It was early August when I first saw you and it took my breath away. For an instance, I was on cloud nine. You were heaven and I have found a peace of mind. Unfortunately, you were in love with someone else.
It was one rainy afternoon a couple weeks later that I was walking up the stairs and you lifted your head up waving at me. A tremor rattled my senses, unable to piece together imagination and reality. I neglected your attempt to be friendly for I was too contained within a whirlpool of thoughts. After a while, you came in the hallroom exactly where I was, both waiting for our classes to start. I could feel you staring at me, even though I was too shy to look directly. Your gaze speaks to me.
You tried smiling at me and communicating with me but I always turned you down. Deep down, I was scared. Scared of how strong my emotions were for you although the only language shared between us were our eyes. It terrified me of how much I liked you, almost as close to destruction. You were clearly disappointed and your ego bruised, but I won't be apologizing. For you caught me in this catastrophic tumult.
I remember when you were telling your friends how pretty I am and I wish you didn't, for it only pushed me afar. Because I was drowning more and more into you in my whole heart, I could not bear to get acquainted with you in reality. Whenever you were close to me or sat beside me, I could feel electricity rushing through my veins, numbing my brain from thinking and my mind from working properly. I don't remember how many tests I flunked because you were a vortex swallowing all formulae and definitions. I am not mad at you though.
It had been 8 months, so many things had happened and you still continued staring at me, turning your head back in class to look at me. It was ecstatic on one hand, on the other hand it was torture because I had fallen so badly for you. I decided to make a change.
I contacted one of my distant friends who I knew you were friends with. I told her everything and asked her to confront you. You caught me off guard, without denial, when she later texted me and said that you apparently denied everything. It was a stab in the heart. I finally made up my mind to knock you up on insta and you effortlessly said you never attempted to interact with me in any way. I cut conversation right away but after 30 min you text me again asking whether I was sure I didn't want "further clarification". I immediately denied, saying I was okay with it, when I clearly wasn't. You then switched to other topics and talked to me. I shouldn't have strung along,but I did anyway, and what I was fearing came true ofcourse. I had this strong feeling of happiness that I hadn't felt for so long I have almost forgotten what it felt like to be genuinely happy. I mean I laugh a lot and crack lame jokes all the time, acting overall cringey, don't get me wrong. But how you made me feel talking to you was clearly a whole lot more than that. I barely slept all night. I was so happy my mind was playing all sorts of music and there was no room left for fatigue.
The next day, at the exam hall, you were constantly blocking my way and giving me these long stares with a listless expression on your face. I was baffled and you did it more than once. Since you said nothing to me, I left.
I had the desperate urge to talk to you again but I was getting too dependent. In time i remembered my plan, to end this. I knew I was digging out a grave for me but I liked you too much. I decided to send you "offputting" and kind of "taunting and cringey" texts so you'd start disliking me and will never stare at me. Done as said, you ignored my texts but I knew you were reading them. So it was working.
Then I blocked and unblocked you. I thought it was over but dead wrong I was. For this cutoff killed me, murdered me brutally that night. All the time,I was pleading in my mind for you to text me again, tell me sth. All the time I was wishing things would change, that there could be a happier ending to this. But truth is, there wasn't even any ending, and that's ten times more painful.
I have said a lot of hateful things about you to my friends out of anger and believe me, I never meant any of it. In fact it hurt me,my own self to even say such malicious stuff about you. It annoyed me when someone would speak negatively of you, and it still does.
Even after all this, you still stare at me and sometimes smile at me. I don't know if this is a game to you, because I recently got to know you already have a girlfriend. Just a couple days ago, in the exam hall, you were turning back constantly from the very first row to stare at me sitting at the very back, instead of staring at your girlfriend. I don't know what you want, I just wanna let you know this little game of you is killing me.
I never told you I liked you. I never will. Perhaps, you'd never know and that will be fine.
What Girls & Guys Said
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1Opinion
You went to the trouble of writing this, so you might as well share it with him.
I can relate to this; I once liked a guy so much I pushed him away, I hurt him so badly. We both knew we liked each other and we both laughed at our same stupid jokes, through the flirting and teasing we both couldn't admit we liked each other. I got scared when he started to confine in me because he was the kind of guy to have a mask on, and he let it down and I cut him off emotionally when he needed me most. I hurt myself by pushing him away further when it was getting too serious when deep down inside I wanted to be with him. Shit hit the fan and we got distant, and I got desperate. He said he was leaving and I said I don't say goodbyes; just like that he dropped me and left me. To this day I'm still wounded; and that was three years ago.
Deepest sympathises for you <3
That's what girls do