If a guy is scared of getting hurt, will he push you away and be mean?

[Anonymous]

i was talking to this guy for 5 months, we were really close but then whenever I asked what we were he flipped out. I know he cared about me because his friends told me and his actions as well. we ended things a month ago because I wanted more and he said he was too emotionally attached and didn't wanna be attached. I know his last girlfriend hurt him bad. we hooked up last week and then I didn't hear from him, I said something to him about it and he said we shouldn't hang out anymore because its just a booty call. I can tell by the way he looks at me that he still likes me. is he acting this way and calling it a booty call because he doesn't wanna get hurt, and get attached? he's NOT the kind of guy to use a girl in any way, he was brought up very well. why is he acting like this?

[hisangel]

Decided to post a longer answer here instead of in the comment section:

To the question asker, yes it is possible. Attachment issues have a lot to do with trust. People with attachment issues don't really trust anyone. Even if they say they do, they won't act like it. The problem with it is, he has to want to get over it. Until he does, he just wants "casual" cause it makes him feel comfortable. Pushing him into anything will push him away. Freedom is more important than love to people that have trust problems. Even if they don't say it, it's how they act.

You need to understand the things you will do to try to help him get over his issues are the very things that push him away. In your mind you are going to think if you show him how loving and trustworthy you are, he will stay. But showing him that will build intimacy in him, that is the feeling he pulls away from. It's like this. The man I love, we had the most intimate, the most loving sex I have ever had in my life one night and the very first thought I had when it was over was "We need to break up." I didn't even know why I felt that way. I just did. I was uncomfortable with the closeness of the situation. I didn't break up with him cause it woke me up to how bad my attachment issues are. But any traditional thing you can do isn't going to work probably cause he is going to misread it as you needing him too much.

All I can say is let him be. He needs to decide on his own if he wants more. People who don't push us and don't need us are the ones we like the best.

To Wolfie, I have seen several people like this, not just a couple boyfriends. Myself included. Some people do develop attachments and some don't. The way you do it, speaking from personal experience, is not being impulsive. It's choosing not to call up the person you want to out of the blue. Cause you finally realize you will stop talking to them again in 3 days. It's getting with the person you love and waiting out the bad days. You will pace like a caged wolf sometimes. There will be really bad days where you want to just throw up your hands and go "OK I'm out!" But you literally have to just push throw those days cause the next day you will probably not want to leave as much. I wish I could say it's just changing your mindset but it isn't. It's a day to day thing that I have been doing for years now with the same man and I still want to jump ship half the days. What makes it easier is finding someone who doesn't push and doesn't chase. I like that your name is wolfie cause I think people with this issue are like wolves. They aren't dogs that you just love and accept you cause they are just naturally that way. They are like wolves that stay with you cause they want to. You never really own one. If you can find a girl that says "Ok I'll let you come back when you ready." It will make you want to stay with her. Cause you'll stop thinking others are too needy and it will let you realize that you want them.

[Asker]

You make such a good point! so is there anything I CAN do to make him come back? I really do miss him...

[hisangel]

If he does truly have attachment issues, he probably has a lot of regret about pushing relationships away (or he will one day). People that have the problem deep down want to push others away but have them come back. We don't' want to be intimate but it touches us so much that someone wants to be intimate with us. But I can't really advice that you should do that cause I can't say it will work out great. If I could say 'Stick around for 4 months and then he'll be yours!', I would. But that..

[hisangel]

Isn't always the case.

Just letting him know you are there for him is probably the only thing I can think of. Cause anything forceful will probably just push him away.

If this is an attachment issue, you have to look at it like someone who is on drugs. Until they are ready to change, they are going to steal money out of your wallet, no matter how much you love them.

[Asker]

So will giving him space and not talking to him (since summer is coming up) will that make him realize if he does miss me?

[hisangel]

I think there are people that will just say "I'm too attached" as an excuse but I believe there are both men and women who sincerely mean it.

But I do have to say, in my experience, these people have had some severe trauma in their lives. Enough where they don't respond the typical way. It's not always true but people who are molested, beaten, abused in some way as children, can have severe problems with attachment because they simply do not trust anyone.

But what is important to see is that even if he is one of the people who was traumatized severely in life, then he does sincerely mean 'I am too attached.' He does mean, 'I don't want to be attached'. He may go back and forth about it. Because he is human and still wants love. But what that means is, if he is one of the people who struggles with being attached, then your life is going to be a rollercoaster. One day he will call you up and then he won't call you for 2 months. He may really want to be with you but it doesn't mean he is going to treat you in any way that is going to make you feel loved. You might have a really bumpy road of intense pain when one day he stops calling completely.

So whether he really feels too attached or not, there is going to be a lot of pain for you because you want to be attached. I know sometimes we want to help fix people of their problems but if you want to help him get over attachment issues you have to dedicate yourself to many painful years of this kind of thing till he feels comfortable. Telling him you love him every now and then doesn't do it.

So for the sake of your heart, I think it's probably best to take him at his word that he just wants sex.

[Wolfie]

@hisangel,"One day he will call you up and then he won't call you for 2 months. He may really want to be with you bt it doesn't mean he is going to treat you in any way that is going to make you feel loved."

Omg, That is exactly how I behave around girls I'm in love with. Judging by your explanation you've been with a boy like this. Has his behaviour/attachment style normalised by now? I need to know for myself if I could ever have a normal attachment style.

[Asker]

So basically it IS possible he loves me and just can't admit it because he is scared so instead he is acting like a complete d***?

[hisangel]

To the questiom asker and Wolfie, I posted a longer response above. Just in case you missed it. ;)

[Anonymous]

It is normal for humans (not only guys) to push those away that they like.

Your best bet?

Approach/Reaffirm, until he feels safe enough with you.

Safety is non-obsolete in relationships.
On unconcious level safety is always required for any kind of intimacy...