I'm in love with this girl but she's got a boyfriend - What do I do?

[Anonymous]

OK, I first met this girl about a year and a half ago in one of my classes. We started out as friends but got really close during the summer and... I love her

I care about her more than I do about anyone in the world. I'd do anything I could for her. Like, I just thought of her as a friend at first but the more we hung out, the more I realized that I really like her. In the summer, we used to hang out like every other day after she got off work and the days we didn't, we talked on the phone for hours or texted until we fell sleep. A lot of the time our hanging out was just like watching a movie while laying on my bed but they were some of the happiest times I've had for as long as I can remember.

She makes me happier than anyone else in the world and just talking to her on the phone can cheer me up if I'm having a bad day. With my past girls, when I was talking to them, I would just like zone out and be like "when will she quit talking" but with her, I listened to everything she said. I was interested. Just hearing her voice or feeling her like when she hugged me when she left was enough to put me in a good mood for the rest of the day. She's beautiful and even though I've been with girls before, there were days when I thought "eh, she looks... meh" but... I've never thought she looked bad at all. Her eyes are beautiful, she has a cute face, and she's pretty much the prettiest girl I know. She's adorable.

I thought we were really close to getting together (she wanted to hang out on my birthday as just us), but school started and we weren't able to hang out much and when I finally tried to make a move, she went on a date with someone else. I asked the day after she did (since it was just a date) but apparently she only dates one person at a time. She got mad because she thought I wasn't respecting her (she apologized right after though) and we took some time apart from each other for about two months.

We're talking again but she's got a boyfriend now and it just hurts me so much to know that they're together. I'm friends with two of their best friends and they both say that I'd be better for her and that I'd treat her better, that he's the kind of guy to get with a girl one week and dump her the next for another. I know she really likes him right now but.. I just can't see them lasting long.

We haven't hung out and we barely talk anymore but I know she still cares about me some (she got me a birthday present three months after mine) and I still love her. Them being together just hurts me so much...

Updates

+1 y

and I just feel like she only went to him because he lives closer and had a car. I didn't when we were hanging out and I live about 30 minutes away and he lives about 3. When classes started, we really couldn't hang out just because she went from 5am-6pm

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+1 y

nonstop from waking up to getting off work each day. She'd have to go out of her way to come to my house and she always had hw and since he lived really close and could come to her, they could just get closer...

Updates

+1 y

I wanna get with her and I truly do think she is the one for me so... What can I do? I don't see them lasting long at all

[justanordinarygirl]

Wow, I'm sorry to hear. I know it can be difficult. I'd would say that you should just keep talking to her as her best friend. Become buddy buddy with her and share personal stories with her and etc.. just so she knows that you trust her and you expect her to trust you too. That way, as time builds on, you've earned a good spot on her, so to say, 'list'. She'll eventually end thinking about you more, leading up to who she'd rather date (you or him) and move on to you. Just let it flow. Don't push it though. My favorite saying is "What's meant to be will find it's way." And it's absolutely true. If it's not meant to happen, there's a good reason why it didn't.

As for telling her how you feel, maybe you can do that in an indirect way. Don't be direct about it right now. Example, say things like, I don't know, "I hope I meet a girl like you one day.." <- okay, that might sound lame (hahaha) but tweak it up your way.

Hope I helped! Have a great one!

-JOG

[Asker]

I think we're already pretty buddy buddy though... We did a lot of that in the summer and I pretty much thought we were already together (just not official)

I mean, we were gonna hang out for my birthday and she kept on being insistent on it being like" just us" and us alone and stuff like that.

And I gave her a Christmas present about painting landscapes( she's just learning. She loves painting and they're her favorite kind). Think that might have helped me?

[Asker]

And I just noticed something... You were tlaking about who she'd rather date

She's with him right now. They're boyfriend/girlfriend :/

[justanordinarygirl]

Yes. That gift was a great idea. She should know now that you care about who she is.

Perhaps she's dating this guy just to see your reaction. If she kept on insisting to hang out with you and only you, I think deep down she has feelings for you but is to shy to express them.

In my first response I didn't mean for you to get that impression. I meant that she'll evidently realize that she's making a mistake dating this guy and not you.

[Asker]

I wish she was dating him to see my reaction but they've been together for two months and I asked her to hang out a few days ago like we used to and she was just like "well.. I should probably ask _______ first"

And just wondering, but does it sound like love?

[justanordinarygirl]

Let her bring him along.. I know it might hurt you to see them together but if you want to see her you just might have to do that.

Well, love means a lot of things. But think you're definitely on that level. :) Aww!

[Asker]

I considered it but... I just can't

I wanna hang out with her like we used to. I mean like, sure we'd be alone and since she's with someone, that may be sort of a cause for worry for her boyfriend but I wouldn't do anything to go between them. I respect her too much, I just wanna see her and just have fun like we used to :/

[Asker]

and I just wanna say that I've broken down and cried a lot over the past week or so

Just thinking of them spending time together for Christmas/New Years has really hurt me... If that's just thinking about it, I'm worried how much actually seeing them would hurt me

[justanordinarygirl]

Okay, here's an easy way to approach that question.

Call her, talk to her about memories you guys had together, eventually leading up to that question. If she says that she has to ask him first, just let her. He's most likely going to say no (tell her that if she says she has to ask him). Tell her he doesn't even have to know! It's not like you guys are dating right now or anything. You're just friends. He has no worries to worry about. Tell her to trust you!

Make sure you tell her those things.

[justanordinarygirl]

That might sound little to cheesy but make convo leading to those memories and then everything else I mentioned above. haha

[Asker]

I thought about that but the fact that it'd be so insistent made me afraid that she'd think I'd be trying to be too pushy or something

[justanordinarygirl]

How many times have you asked her already and what has been the time range in all the times you've asked her? In other words, have you asked like 5 times already this past month?

If you feel that you're being too pushy, cool it down a bit. Just talk normally and don't ask to hang out. Have normal conversations. Wait a while before you ask again... or make a group thing. I know you just want it to be just you and her but you're going to have to gently get to that point. Know what I mean?

[Asker]

I've only asked the one time but the fact that she said that really hurt me when she used to always ask to hang out

[justanordinarygirl]

How long ago did you ask her that? You're definitely not pushy then if it was just once! haha.

I know it can hurt but you just have to face it. It's what's happening. Cope with it. You can do it. Trust me. I myself wish I could talk to someone I like but have absolutely no contact info. :/ I just met him at a conference last yr, saw him this yr. He lives in another state too.

[Asker]

About two weeks ago

That was the last time we talked. It was when I gave her that present. I was hoping that just by starting to talk again that maybe we could just hang out together instead of with him. I'm trying to avoid that more than anything

[justanordinarygirl]

Text her and be like, "hey how are you? I haven't heard from you in a while! We need to catch up sometime!"

[Asker]

What about havign a conversation and then asking? Like asking her how her Christmas/News Years were and possibly finding out how they're going (since I don't see them lasting long and most relationships end at this time of year) and then asking to hang out?

[justanordinarygirl]

OH MY GOSH - DON'T tell her that you don't see them being together for long... She'll get mad at you. I guarantee that. Ask everything else! That's a good idea!

So here's a list for you to mention (hahaha) :

-- Christmas

-- New Years

-- How's her relationship (and that's it! lol)

-- How's school

--ask her away the question you've been wanting to ask! I have to get ready for work now. If you want you can message me and I'll get back to you later.

[Asker]

I wasn't gonna say that lol

Its just a feeling that I have and its why I'm hopeful lol

[blufrenzy93]

Leave her be. It's never good to come in between a relationship, no matter how bad you want the person.

[Asker]

Well I wasn't gonna go between them... I respect her too much to do that

I don't think they'll last long at all so I was hoping that she'd give me a chance if htey split up since I think she liked me and I just waited too long

[blufrenzy93]

If and when they do, then feel free to pursue her.

[sss1111]

Dude, I'm sorry to say for right now, she is definitely into this guy. No one knows the future, but she is right and you have to respect her decision. Trying to get her, tell her this stuff is just going to make it hard for her and she will push you away. Love hurts, not always but when it rains it pours...I know what you are going through right now. It sucks. But, you have to accept the fact that she likes this guy, whether you are better or not. It hurts, but for right now you need to focus on yourself. The future may hold something great for the both of you but you have to accept it. It is what it is and you can't change that...I know it sounds bad and it's probably not what you want to hear. If you keep pursuing this you are just going to hurt yourself further and it is going to crush you. I've seen friends lose their mind and lose everything because of this. I don't want to but for now you have to move on as tough as it's going to be...

[Asker]

I know and I am respecting it. I'm not trying to do anything right now and I'm happy that she's happy but I just wish it was me... EVERYONE I've takled to about this has said from what I've told them that she was into me and that I just waited too long and that they could see us together (including her friends)

We can't even hang out right now apparently when we used to all the time. I seriously do think we'll end up together and I see them splitting up soon but waiting is just so hard...

[sss1111]

that's what I mean though you can wait...you have to focus on yourself. You will lose a lot of you life if you don't

[Asker]

I'm trying. I'm going to school, hanging out with friends, and basically doing what I've always done. The only difference is that we're not talking or hanging out like we used to :/

These next few months are when most breakups occur so I'm thinking if it will happen, it'll be soon

[sss1111]

Don't hold your breathe

[Asker]

I'm trying not to. I just have a really good feeling that I got this if I can get the chance

[confused415]

Aw this is so sweet :]

[Asker]

yeah it is :/

what do you think though?

[confused415]

I think you sound like an incredible guy, but sometimes she needs to figure that out for herself. It sounds like everyone on the "outside" thinks your the best for her but right now, your in her friend department. Let her realize how your the best and continue to be her best friend. It might take a long time to realize that your the one meant to be with her, but until then, let her make mistakes and come to you when she needs you most and let her come around, I promise she will.

[Asker]

How do I let her know that?

And I wanna try to be her friend (like I asked to hang out), but when I asked to hang out, she was just like "I gotta ask _______" and then she said we may al be able to together... I wanna hang out with her but I don't think I'll be able to hang out with him

[confused415]

You need to give her space. Remain a friend, but a friend only. Let her continue her relationship and come to you when she needs you. I gurantee she will come to you once things get bad, and be waiting with open arms. But you need to respect her and him and when she wants to hang out, she'll let you know.

[Asker]

I wanna give her space (since she has a boyfriend right now) and I'm trying to be a friend, but I just wanna hang out as just friends and the fact that she has to ask him worries me :(

[confused415]

well you could always just let her know how you feel and take ir from there.

[Asker]

I'd thinkt hat kill whatever chances I have though... I mean, I think she really likes him

[Asker]

Would telling her be a bad idea?

[confused415]

well it will help you from killing yourself inside. go with your heart babe :]

[Asker]

I just don't know what to do... Part of me wants to tell her but part of me thinks that's a bad idea. Part of me thinks that waiting will do it...