Why do I always lose interest once a guy likes me

[Anonymous]

When I have feelings for a guy, once he comes onto me I immediately lose interest. I seem to like pursuing men and seeing if I can attract them, but the minute they seem to like me as well I suddenly feel turned off and even uncomfortable by them. I've pushed away quite a few men this way and I wonder why exactly I do this. Anyone else experience this, or have some explanation for it ?

[marley86]

Because you are looking for something more than a guy to just like you back, and come onto you. When they come onto you, it seems too simple...so maybe they aren't as special as you thought they were. The bigger the challenge, you feel the better the outcome will come of it. I think maybe you might like the mystery of a guy, and once this is gone you feel disappointed...almost as if you don't want to figure him out. You like that heat, and the rush you get from being around him. When you have no clue whether or not he likes you. You would rather him perhaps hint at it slightly rather than come out and say it. You want that passion you see in movies. But, the truth of it is that a lot of the mystery will go away once you start to get to know someone. Being around him might make you realize disgusting habits he has: like chewing too loud when he eats, interrupting you when you talk, etc. haha. But, there are also some good benefits to this! When he learns more about you he will grow to care for you in ways that aren't as possible when there is too much mystery. So, don't be afraid to let a guy get to know you because it might actually help the passion come back. There is a different kind of feeling that you get from the rush of the long glance you share with someone you like vs. a guy that knows exactly what you want when you are feeling sick. The deeper feeling of knowing he truly cares is a really great feeling. Good luck!

[Asker]

Thank you ! That sounds pretty spot on actually. Well said.

[venividivici]

i very much agree with the first part of her answer.

the second part sounds good too, but I've never been there :]

[JKLivinLily]

I definitely have this problem too. I push and push and chase and the second they admit to liking me I freak out and push them away. I honestly think it's cause I'm afraid and I do think I'm missing out on some great guys with this behavior but it's something I'm working on changing about myself. I read somewhere that it can connect to our childhoods and I can see a relation in my life to that. I'm just gonna put this out there, it's like how my parents separated when I was little and I only got to see my dad a couple times a year. I would push and drive for more time and attention with him but as the time grew progressively longer between visits, it got more awkward and I didn't like what I was getting. I was longing for a father figure but was unhappy with what I got. And when I look back, I can see it correlated with the way I reacted to boys around me. At least that's my problem. Maybe you have a different story or nothing relating to it at all but that was just an example :) I just hope we can get over it.

[Asker]

Thanks for sharing a bit of your story, it provided some interesting insights. Your behavior with men sounds a LOT like mine.

I also agree with you that our childhoods definitely influence romantic behaviors/preferences we have as adults. My case was different than yours, though, in that I received too much affection from male family members.

I hope we can both move past this phase, too.

[stillagoodgirl]

I do the same. Love the chase or fear of commitment . Either way you don't want or aren't ready for a relationship.

I'm trying to change but I just don't take guys too serious anymore like I guard myself from false hope or getting hurt so I try to distance myself

[venividivici]

because you like the challenge or you're afraid of commitment.

i'm the same way.

BUT it'll change once you meet the perfect guy, I promise ;)

then you'll just feel incredibly lucky!

[Asker]

Ah, I keep telling myself that, but it's hard not to get discouraged. I thought I had met the perfect guy, but when he let me know he was interested in me recently, I actually felt uncomfortable. I never thought of myself as being afraid of commitment before, but now that I really consider it, I think you're right. Thanks !

[venividivici]

welcome :) good luck!

[ArtistBboy]

Several possible reasons:

1) You enjoy the thrill of the case (like you've stated)

2) You may subconsciously or consciously worry about commitment going wrong

3) They don't resist you enough to make the chase thrilling.

etc and so forth.

If you enjoy what you are doing, keep it up but realize that at the same time you are breaking a lot of men's hearts and leaving them with jaded mentalities. If you are displeased with this situation maybe you should "up" the quality of men you pursue, they will provide a better resistance for your approach and it may be a little more fulfilling.

~ ArtistBBoy

[venividivici]

for once, I agree with you :)

[Asker]

Everything you said is true !

But admittedly, what sparked me to ask the question in the first place was that I already tried upping my standards (and I have pretty high ones to begin with, to be honest.) For months I've been interested in a man I figured would never pursue me, but he surprised me and asked me out. It actually turned me off. I have no idea what my deal is, but I'll keep what you said in mind. Thanks !

[stillagoodgirl]

Good point

[DJKlaasJan]

In my own opinion, I think its because at first sight, you are really interested in them and see them as challenging if you get them interested in chasing you but when they do, either they were not much of a challenge as you would've expected . You wanted them to chase you and you them but they just went for it and didn't play the little game that all girls & boys play where one chases the other, but once one of them loses interest, the other one backs off and tries to spark that interest again which leads us back to square one. Where you have feelings for them again.

[Asker]

The way you worded things made me laugh, as you really show how childish the whole "chase" part of it is. Even so, it's the only part of relationships I seem to like ! Thanks for your input.

[Littletad]

Seems like you crave the attention or the chase more. It's actually very common that many girls are like this. There is such a thing as karma though, so I think you could be voiding yourself of a great guy or a great relationship. The only one who can change this, is you.

[Asker]

It is refreshing to hear that many people are like this. I hear what you're saying about karma though, I'm sure I probably pushed away some really great guys in the past, and that's not a great feeling.

[clyde7777]

I have kinda experienced this too. Its part of the power cycle. Humans need to set goals and attain them in order to feel powerful. Then they move on to another goal. It sounds like you may want what you can't have but once you have gotten what you think you want it is not as appealing as you thought. I have done this to a few girls. It always leaves some bad blood between them and I so I try to avoid it.

[Mesonfielde]

Because you don't actually like them as a person, or individual; you don't find them valuable as people.. Which is sort of sad... Appreciation and admiration would give them worth, and then you'd be happy that they want to "come onto you".

[Asker]

Hm. I'm not sure I agree with this, but since I have no answers myself, yours is something to consider.

[venividivici]

the thing is if you really like a guy (who has obviously not shown interest in you right away), you feel like he's hard to get...meaning that he's not the type of guy who would go after just any girl and therefore is less likely to cheat on you in a relationship.

you'll want him more and more, wondering why he doesn't compliment you like others etc. and even though he's spending time with you and being really kind with you, he never actually SAID he's into u, you can just feel it somehow...

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way! At first I see a guy and I just drool over them and once they give me their attention I loose interest and feel uncomfortable around them and when they talk to me. I feel like I'm wasting good relationships but this always happens someone please help

[Sandara99]

omg I need help with that too! I'm 25 now and I hate myself so much. I ran away when the guys (who I'm interested) start showing interest in me. Even if I used to like them so much, and when they finally asked me to become their girlfriend, I chose to say "no" coz felt uncomfortable. I hate myself so much and feel so bad coz I was the one who started the chase. I really need help.
But I think we ourselves are the ones who can help us change. Some people say that I just haven't found my true love. I have no idea. May be I just like living in fantasy and the reality isn't fun to me. I still don't know how to fix it. I need a relationship counselor or something. sigh

[Teahhhhhh]

I do the same thing!!! It's weird!! I think personally I'm just scared of getting attached and then getting my heart broken..

[brianccc]

Well I wish it wasn't like that but it is, I honestly have no logical reason besides the fact that some girls minds work like that

[Anonymous]

Oh my goshhh I do this too and its honestly so frustrating, I have never been able to full on get into a relationship with anyone because of this, it's honestly really frustrating. Oh well...

[Jager66]

its because your narcissistic, its a very serous mental disorder

[Anonymous]

I'm the same way. I feel like maybe it's our brains telling us maybe we shouldn't be with them after all. Maybe if we really love someone then we will realize we won't feel that way towards them. I don't know I just hope that's what it is ahah

[Anonymous]

you are a daddy issues masochist. abusive father i suppose? you lose respect for a guy when he becomes lovey dovey for you.. .

[arashmenalagha]

because-you're-an-asshole?

[Asker]

Wow, what an insightful and mature answer.

[arashmenalagha]

lol-others-can't-really-answer-why-questions-about-people-unless-they-know-them-the-answer-i-gave-you-was-a-joke-but-you-took-it-too-seriously:(

[Asker]

Most of the questions on this site are of this nature. I'm mainly curious if anyone else has a similar experience to this. The answer you gave me was pointless.

And English isn't written with hyphens between each word. I'm sure you'd save yourself some time by not doing that. Just saying.

[arashmenalagha]

my-space-bar-is-broken:\

[venividivici]

in that case your jokes suck.

and yes, some people can answer questions about other people's state of mind.

it's called empathy.

[TinyPlanet]

Ask yourself
Do you like them or do you like the idea of them

[Anonymous]

I'm a bit like this as well... I hate it :(

[Tphilly187]

just cause