Why do I lose interest in a guy when he seemed interested in me too?

Question

this had been happening for quite sometime. I liked a guy but when the time comes that he said he liked me, I seem to loose interest on him. I tend to avoid him and such. when in fact, not too long ago, I had a slight crush to him. I tend to turn them down for I feel nothing special to him (so it seems).

honestly, he is the third guy who asked me out. the third guy whom I liked until he said he liked me.

jdcpa · Accepted Answer

I used to be on the same boat

Don't worry about it, it's gonna go away with time.

I was at the same point in life. I used to be indifferent to girls and the opposite sex. No desire for sex, no desire for love, no desire for relationships. But at the same time, I had all these girls trying to get my attention, having feelings for me, and wanting more.

So in my head, it was always a question of if they liked me. Even though I wasn't interested in doing anything with these girls, I just wanted to know, for myself, for my own self-esteem, if they wanted me. How much control & power I had over them. And when I got what I wanted (that information), I was content. They were of no greater or further use to me. They had validated my self-esteem, comforted my insecurities about how sexy & desirable I was, so why risk ruining that? As soon as I got the validation I wanted from them, my motivation for entertaining them dropped to zero.

That mentality was my bread & butter. I wanted to be the one being pursued, not the one doing the pursuing. I wanted girls to chase me, I didn't want to be the creepy loser at the bar trying to bribe girls with drinks just to give him 5 minutes of talking-time. I wanted to shoot people down, make them feel rejected, so I can tell myself that I'm too good for them, or they're not good enough for me (rather than risk being rejected & unable to positively rationalize it for myself). I was insecure. That was insecurity talking. Controlling my mind, my actions, my feelings, my dating life, my loneliness, my emptiness, my unhappiness.

It wasn't until this 28 y/o girl seriously pursued me, when I was 20. Her technique was fascinating. Her charm & seduction was brilliant. She knew how to work a man, how to stroke ego, how to flatter, how to make me feel great. She literally got me from a point where she would text me and I would ignore it, dread answering it, responding to her, calling her, or making fun of her behind her back to all my friends.. to actually liking her, going crazy about her, constantly thinking about her, and really enjoying being in a relationship with her.

What left an impression on me, was how boldly she would compliment me. The things she would say. "You know how to work a woman, you know how to touch a woman, you're like god's gift to women, you must be the best lover in the world, I love how you can read my mind, you're one sexy motherfcuker"

I realized I was afraid to compliment, because I was afraid to "gas-up" the girl I was talking to. Doing so would make me feel as if I was boosting up her value, but she wasn't returning the favor (so I'd be lower in a relative sense).

But all of that was insecurity. And honestly, as soon as it left my system. Holy sh*t. I was a new person in every sense of the word. I'd make people feel great; that was my emotional gift to them. And I liked pursuing, because I made people feel good. And I was no longer afraid to feel things for others, and accept love.

bobair · Accepted Answer

Three lessons here ...

1) You're being immature and impulsive. This is actually okay at your age. That's how you learn about the world, social etiquette, and you find out what makes you happy. As you grow, mature, and experience men, you'll start developing a better understanding as to why you do what you do. Be patient.

2) Attraction isn't a choice. You can't choose to feel the way you do, it just happens.

3) Attraction is tension. When there is no more tension, the attraction fades. Dramatically when you're young. This tension happens when you don't know if he likes you. This unknowing causes you to stress, and FEEL tight in your body. You will label this "attraction", or a "crush."

But as you start answering the "unknown" answers you're seeking (does he like me? will he kiss me? what will he say about me tomorrow?) your tension will fade away.

You like a boy but you don't know how he feels about you = tension (attraction.)

You discover he likes you = no more tension (no more attraction.)

This is why I tell guys to take it slow with girls they date, because dating causes the tension to fade, and the attraction to fade.

You'll likely meet some joke who finds you both amusing, cute, and annoying all at the same time. And you'll discover that you can never quite get his full attention. This will cause you great grief, and you'll likely start obsess. Then you'll be SURE he's the one, simply because you can't win over his affections.

You'll be chasing a guy when they usually chase you.

Then you'll say, "Oh, he's sooo unique and special!"

But three years later you'll find out you were just being silly, and that he's a dork like everyone else. Then you'll turn 30 and you'll fall in love with some geeky mechanic who's a great boyfriend and lover.

The end.

~ Robby

My blog ( link )

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

im the exact same way. and I don't know really. personally, I think its because I really enjoy that very first part of it all. when you two go back and forth on giving each other signals and stuff, "does he like me, how does he see me". it gives you this excitement of not knowing what's gonna happen or be said and that's a lot of fun. they give you a challenge. that's the chase.

but once its confirmed that they indeed do like you and would like to really get to know you better, all the fun is taken out of it. it is no longer this casual playful seduction. and that's where it gets boring to me. plus the fact that I'm still very cautious about who I allow to really get close to me. and in order for a relationship to be good, you're gonna have to end up letting that other person in more. which I know I'm not ready for. so that's another reason.

youre just not ready for a relationship at the moment. and neither am i.

eh, just know that you're not alone hun.

and this doesn't make you a bad person. you're really young still. you will most likely grow out of it within time. the more you grow mature, comfortable and sure of yourself, the less you're likely to keep this up and actually allow yourself past just the games with a guy.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I used to do it too. I actually ended up dating people I was no longer interested in because I felt bad about sending mixed signals. Recently though I met a guy and that all changed. I'm so in to him...

Basically, it means you're not quite ready for relationships but at some point you will be. It may take some time though.

coolbeens · Accepted Answer

This is why I let my boyfriend chase me.  I don't always agree to see him when he asks me to, and I make sure to spend loads of time with my friends, so he is aware that I have a life outside of him.

markml · Answer

In the past, there have been a number of girls I would have liked to ask that very question to!

Seriously, you need to try hard to answer that question yourself, because if you can't figure out the answer, how can anyone else? It sounds very much like you don't really know who you like...

If I had to conjecture, I'd say that it has to do with "wanting the unobtainable". The psychology is that as soon as something becomes obtainable, it loses its values to you. I guess this can apply to a lot of things, but there seems to be a tendency for some girls to apply it to guys. You're always turning down guys because you're always expecting someone better to come along, and eventually you'll realize that you've turned down a lot of great guys for no reason at all. You're young enough to correct this mistake now, but if you keep it up, you risk ending up alone!

An important thing to realize is the difference between reality and fantasy. Crushes usually fall in the realm of fantasy. They're things you dream about that you don't really expect to happen. Don't get me wrong...I like dreams a lot...but not to the extent of rejecting reality. It sounds like you're more in love with the fantasy than anything that could ever be real. But we should consider ourselves very fortunate to have any aspect of our dreams mirrored in reality!

Guys don't have this problem as much, because we've learned that being successful in life means trusting our initial instincts! If I see a girl I like, even if I later realize she isn't right for me, I'm not going to rewrite history to pretend that I didn't like her. I'm going to trust that there was a reason I did like her.

Don't second-guess your feelings. You either feel there's some potential chemistry or you don't...it's that simple. Don't tie it to your mood or anything that's liable to change day-to-day. Trust that if a guy catches your attention, it's for a reason. Doesn't mean that he's right for you or that you're right for him. There are a lot of objective things to consider that are independent of your subjective feelings, but if you're only focused on reading your own mood, you'll miss out on what all those objective things are. Perhaps, the right question to ask yourself is not "do you feel anything for him" but "CAN you feel anything for him"?

The other thing is maybe you're afraid of getting into a relationship, or there's something holding you back. Just you know...take some chances...

max_turner · Answer

It's girls like you who give so many guys complexes; seriously, these mixed messages, trying to earn your trust, trying not to be too forward, but forward enough to still have a chance...and then girls complain that all guys are turning into bottom holes!

Are you sure you really 'liked' the guy in the first place? Or do you just like 'playing the game'? How can you dismiss someone before you've even given them a chance? As you're still under 18 it might just be a phase that you will eventually grow out of. But truthfully, it's not only affecting the guys, it will affect you too; you asking this question is evidence enough to say you're starting to think something is a little off centre.

Anonymous · Answer

bobair,

I just want to say you really did nail that one.

Its just that you are young, you want the chance rather then the partnership of the relationship. You will one day get a bit older a bit wiser, and you will see what you truly want in a person. This takes time like everything in this world. You just need to be patient, then one day you will find who you are meant to be with for the rest of your life with. But again be patient, because all good things come to people who wait, sometimes you do need to be a bit ambitious, but its just a good saying to go by.

Blackkid · Answer

The thrill of the hunt! Well, it's not abnormal, though it will sell you short in life in regards to marriage. You might just grow out of it. There's a certain inclination towards liking people that may not like you back that certain people find exciting, when that is resolved the relationship dissolves.

Jonny_ · Answer

Its a lot about the chase, you want someone a lot at the start... they may show interest, either way the excitement of it wears off when you see someone different, a different challenge. it probably just means you would like a confident guy who isn't afraid to take his chance when he has it, you don't want to be wasting your time waiting around for something that may or may not happen.

Anonymous · Answer

this has happened to me before (on the receiving end). I know you can't help it, but know that it hurts to be the guy in this situation, especially if he was shy as a kid, like I was.

you naturally prefer a challenge. hopefully you'll grow out of this by the time you want to settle down because older guys will NOT tolerate that like young guys will.

loverorbestfriend · Answer

Perhaps you like the allure of the unknown...that is, if a guy doesn't show you interest your interest is piqued...'why doesn't he like me?' and then when he shows interest your interest is popped...no curiosity, no interest, no like, bye bye...yeah?

adroit · Answer

thats a thing that you perceive and think

but think before you say no

u cud hurt someone dearly

think what will happen when someone will do the same to u

learn follow and enjoy with people but think before crossing lines

shes-a-lady · Answer

im just like you! im was wondering why I do it too :-/

stillagoodgirl · Answer

Youre not ready  for a relationship atm. I'm the same and I don't know why

Anonymous · Answer

I do the same thing too. It could be that since you know you can have him you don't want him and/or You like the chase

carlwizz · Answer

you sound gay to me love

swagger · Answer

This is in laymans terms "The Cock Tease"

Why do I lose interest in a guy when he seemed interested in me too?

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