Why do I lose interest while developing a new relationship?

[amarahorrorstory]

When I start a new relationship, I'm super into the guy, but sometimes I'll start to get bored. Not of him, but the process. It's so much work to get to know someone in an intimate way, like the transition from talking to boyfriend or whatever you want to be. It just seems like this void in time where it's like "are we monogamous? i'm not talking to anyone else, it's just important",
"do you feel like this is serious, or just me?",
what do i need to know about this person before i'm committed,
"do you just want to fool around or we talking like get together and stay together for as long as possible?"
"how is the sex gonna be? when are we going to start doing that?"
"can i tell my friends, or should i just hold off?"

It's just a fuckton of work, like I really like him, but it's at that awkward stage, but is it weird i feel that way? i'm thinking i will feel totally committed when we get there but this stage makes me see his name light up on my phone and I just need at least 20 minutes some days to answer, even if he's just responding to whatever i said. i don't think it's him, it's this process.

Updates

+1 y

lol y'all are so annoying. i didn't say HE was boring, because i'm not even complaining about him. i'm saying i think the "what are we" stage is not fun and i asked why i feel that way. but all y'all dr. phil's who most are single, think i need a real man or that i'm ungrateful, if you can't read, don't reply.

[CaudaVulpes]

Seems like you're starting off expecting things to turn into a relationship. May be looking at the steps as entirely different things. Going on a few dates is not dating, and it's definitely bit a relationship. Sex could be a one night stand, so that doesn't mean a relationship either. If you get to know potential dates or boyfriend in a very informal way, say coffee or whatever, sort of public, nothing private to suggest even subtly any level of intimacy, you gain the freedom of just hanging out, getting to know someone, seeing if he has the attributes you want in a boyfriend: is he faithful, kind, does he love his family, have good friends, stay away from bad people and bad habits, etc. Taking that approach also gives you a greater degree of freedom to let things develop at their own pace. You don't have to have him fill out a hospital form, leasrn everything step by step about his life and background, and you don't have to rush it. It's possible that the relationship itself has become like dessert, tempting, decadent, indulgent, but fattening and terrible if you consume it in large amounts. Instead of consuming the main courses leading up to the rich dessert, taking your time and enjoying the steak and potatoes, you find yourself so ready for the dessert that the rest seems bland and flavorless by comparison to the sweet reward of dessert that you *know* will be good.

In other words, you're looking forward to the comfort of a relation ship, intimacy, sex, familiarity and so on, to such a degree, that you're ignoring the joy of discovering anew human being, at the pace and time you want to. Allowing yourself to have fun and get lost in exploring the unique world and background of another person, our similarities and differences, is the time you should be falling in love, building attraction, feeling trust for them, bonding and laughing, and learning about a totally unique individual that makes you feel great to be around and talk to.

[CaudaVulpes]

Definitely not* a relationship

[amarahorrorstory]

Well. we've been talking since October. I wouldn't say I'm worried about the relationship part too much, if anything I'm trying to push it away, that's too much right now, I'm comfortable with just getting to know him, but I'm just unsure of what we are getting to know each other for.

[CaudaVulpes]

I would imagine you feel attraction and want to keep talking with him, go on dates, have new experiences together, etc?

[CaudaVulpes]

Five months is a long time without definite and steady advancement towards being together, as friends or lovers, even moving towards a relationship, that can be a long time for a lot of people. Personally, unless the girl I was into was recovering from a bad experience or just extremely thorough and particular, I would be full on dating at that point, doing stuff together all the time, spending nights at each other's apartments, taking trips together etc. Seems in a sense like you two are really on cruise control, unless its the norm for both of you

[amarahorrorstory]

we have only met up once but talk consistently, he's in school and we just don't ask each other much because we text enough but we are hanging out this weekend. we just choose not to meet until a few weeks ago. there isn't a lot of push from either of us

[MusicMayhem]

Wanna switch with me? I've had around 50 first dates and only 4 that have gone to date 2. So believe me when I say I'm fucking bored of the process. Of attracting a girl, texting her, setting up a date, her flaking, then trying to come up with another time, giving up on her cause she's the wrong one wasting my time, eventually going on a date with someone else, and dealing with her interrogation on my past dating life and more on the date, then finding out they don't want a date 2 despite very positive signs on the date.

[red324]

This is me to a T. Act all excited on the first date, even hearing back from her the next day. I've only been on a couple second dates. I've found they only text you after the date the next day just to verify for themselves that they were good enough for me, not actually because they want to take things further.

[MusicMayhem]

@red324 Haha yeah it's a tough game ey? Recently i get girls repeatedly telling me I'm really funny but then they don't want to see me again, just friendzone me or say there was no connection. Whatever girls are really bad liars. It was because i don't have regular work but i still pay for all my own stuff so what's the problem

[red324]

They love to pretend that someone died, got into a wreck, called into to work. etc. I mean grandma can only die once.

[MusicMayhem]

@red324 Haha. Oh well you can only move on and find someone better.

[amarahorrorstory]

So that's my fault? Because these situations are totally different.

[MusicMayhem]

Well I'm not blaming you as such, but ask yourself what are YOU actually doing to get to the next level with a guy. Cause it sounds like you're waiting for him to take action rather than being in charge of your destiny, then getting frustrated that nothing is happening the way you want it to.

[amarahorrorstory]

yeah it SOUNDS like it to you, cause that's not true at all. I've initiated plenty.

[MusicMayhem]

Well if you had talked to the guy and got clarity on where you guys were headed you wouldn't have needed to post this question cards it would either be yes and you live happily on with him, or no and you find another guy.

[red324]

Just out of curiosity to the OP, how long does it typically take you from the first date to the get to the point where you're having sex and are officially by and girlfriend. I have this problem too where I can't figure "What we are" like you said.

[MusicMayhem]

@red324 never had a girlfriend but for the girls I dated for a few months; sex by date 3-4 and very comfortable with each other by date 5, borrowing clothes, seeing each other 2-3 times a week etc. By date 5-6 it's usually very obvious when one person wants a relationship.

[amarahorrorstory]

@red324 I don't know, I've never had an official boyfriend

[amarahorrorstory]

But again that isn't answering my question. I'm not talking about him, these aren't direct questions that I'm attempting to ask him. I'm asking why is it that I lose interest in this stage? It has nothing to do with the guy as a person

[Breebaerr]

I know EXACTLY how you feel girl. I got out of a serious relationship a while ago, and so not only am I not used to trying to date, but I have the same feelings and thoughts you do. I got lucky with the guy I'm talking to cuz I can say pretty much anything to him and he's usually on the same page. It's something you just have to wait out :)

[amarahorrorstory]

Yeah! The guy I'm talking to is so great! I see a lot of potential but this 'what are we" stage is so uncomfortable and the time it takes makes me want to take steps back for my own safety but I know i'll never get a good outcome that way.

[Breebaerr]

Maybe take a chance and just ask him :) the worst that could happen is you don't get the answer you're looking for.. (chances are you will though (: )

[amarahorrorstory]

we are hanging out on Friday so I'll ask him then

[Sexy_Steve]

Women are always unsatisfied

[amarahorrorstory]

@Sexy_Steve go away, steve.

[Sexy_Steve]

selfish, ungrateful cretin.

[Breebaerr]

LMFAO. Look at this guy 😂 you got some issues bruh..

[Jae6569]

I feel the same way 95% of the time

[AmanoYin]

how do you think we feel LMAO...
anyways nah... the solution might be to open up more, a lot more... the more you open up the faster shit kicks off... skip small talk and go straight for the meat, when that gets boring have fun, but then go back to it...

or try meating actually interesting guys who do more than just facebook.. find people who are into things like guitar or basket weaving or hobby finding, or gardening or something..

[amarahorrorstory]

who is this 'we'? The guy I'm talking to doesn't use social media and likes woodwork. So... I mean, that's kinda, exactly what you suggested.

[AmanoYin]

we is guys... and it was just a joke, relax kiddo, and way it's not good or bad that he doesn't use social media but it's awesome he likes woodwork. maybe you should try asking yourself exactly why you get bored, ask yourself why you feel that way and where it comes from. hope that helps ^^

[amarahorrorstory]

I'm relaxed, I asked a question. I would just imagine it's the same for men and women going into a relationship. I think I get bored because beginning a relationship is such a process I doubt myself.

[AmanoYin]

in my personal experinece... i'd say i'd gotten bored when i realized i wasn't really interested in them or we weren't doing much except normal everyday getting to know you as you say or normal bf/gf things... but the most interesting experience i had was when we both clicked it off really well, and just got to know each other by accident... i mean not every person you find will be able to kick it off with you but it is possible to look for it... i hope that helps.

[skel47]

I've never done what you suggested in your comments in quotes, I've never asked my partner is this monogamous? Etc. You dont have ti ask the questions if you can read social ques. He should give off the vibe if what he wants as you would too. I must be in a different world but never once have i had to do that.

[amarahorrorstory]

They're not real spoken word questions. I don't turn to an SO and say that, they're things I wonder. I just don't assume in a relationship, I'd assume we are monogamous, but I never asked.

[skel47]

Yeah right makes more sense. Just do what i do and just hang out casually as often as you like gives you the more info into their daily decisions and what they are like.

[skel47]

And yep we're annoying thats what you get for posting a question on a opinions forum :)

[amarahorrorstory]

i'm not speaking directly you dude

[Ghost_Woof]

Well if you have doubts about your relationship status already that is red flag #1 he's not making it clear he wants to be monogamous with you. As for the process it sounds like you like dating players and you have to get over that phase and date a man who wants a real relationship.

[amarahorrorstory]

but i feel like this going into a lot of things. again, IT IS NOT HIM. I dislike the "what are we" stage. i never asked anything about being monogamous, nor does he express any signs of him wanting to be with anyone else, it's just something that crosses my mind. And for real, all these dr. phils' assuming who I date are getting annoying, there is nothing even remotely playerish about this boy. He's a timid, introvert with a love for working out, smoking weed and woodwork.

[Ghost_Woof]

Ask him straight up then if you what to know?

[gavacho2014]

Why are you in such a hurry? A good relationship takes time. The #1 reason for divorce is that people say that the other person changed but the fact is the time wasn't taken to get to know each other in the first place.

[amarahorrorstory]

I'm not rushing. I just want to know if we are going in a more committed or casual direction, that's all. The "what are we" stage usually is early on.

[gavacho2014]

How long have you been dating this guy? If it's less than 3 months, he may not have any idea of "what are we". Has he expressed feelings for you or you for him? Talk with him. Sometimes you just have to speak up about things.

[amarahorrorstory]

We have talked since like early November, but only met last month. So it's hard to push something we you only talk on the phone. So we are meeting again tomorrow. He seems open to the idea of a relationship, but I don't want to assume anything.

[gavacho2014]

That's a good start. You shouldn't assume anything ever. There is nothing wrong with laying out the terms with him because you both should know what to expect. Enjoy every moment you have together.

[mystintri]

Sounds like you're meeting guys who aren't guiding the relationship. They're on the unknown train with you.

What happens when two people don't know where they're going / they're counting on the other person to know?

[amarahorrorstory]

this isn't what i'm talking about, i'm wondering why the 'what are we?' stage throws me off

[mystintri]

Ah okay, I didn't see the last paragraph.

I mean, I think it's entirely normal to get bored of certain parts.
I also think you're looking for too much meaning behind it. Could you find out why? Sure.
Do I think it's practical to do so? No.

I'll tell you what bores me during the dating process. Meeting up with the girls I'm getting to know when I'd rather be working on my projects. Why does it bore me? I'm a bit more invigorated by my work sometimes.

And actually, after sharing an example of myself, it's possible that you get bored of the fact that there is communication needed. Maybe you wish it was less mechanical.

[chupachups90]

Hate to break it to you but relationships are always work and it will literally only get harder when you get married. Maybe you just aren't ready to do all of that yet?

[amarahorrorstory]

Well, sometimes I wonder that, but I think it circumstances that are beyond my control that make me feel that way. Rather the person themselves or even how I feel as a person. So that stage of seeing what we are gonna do, makes me fee like "if you want to back out you have to now" if though i DON'T want to back out at all.

[OreoMilkshake]

I've never had a relationship but it's because of exactly what you are referring to, I get what you mean. Not only that but it makes me feel kind of sick if someone is too clingy or won't give me any space

[amarahorrorstory]

No I don't feel that way, I like how frequently we talk, I just dislike the "what are we" stage

[OreoMilkshake]

Ohhh okay, i've never had that feeling but then again, i've never been at that stage before.

[amarahorrorstory]

I usually don't get this deep either.

[J4Zzi3]

... well lots of guys who is player think like that? The fun when they hunt coz it's challanging? When they get the trophy there isn't much of challange after

[amarahorrorstory]

no, that's not my issue.

[Kaju4l]

It happens, it’s normal. Seems like you don’t like uncertainty or unpredictability. I’m guessing here but are you a Scorpio?

[amarahorrorstory]

No, Gemini, I'm surprisingly flexible.

[Kaju4l]

Flexible how? Like accommodating?

[amarahorrorstory]

no i mean geminis are supposed to be flexible

[Kaju4l]

Word but yeah, what you’re going through is normal

[magic30]

Sounds to me like there is no excitement. You need a man to always keep you on the edge or you become bored and then your out.

[amarahorrorstory]

he isn't boring though.

[magic30]

He may not be boring but like you said you are bored with him. Do you even know what you want? If the fireworks are not popping you need to keep looking and you will know when it's right and that is when you can't wait to see each other all the time. That's when you will know.

[amarahorrorstory]

Again, my question isn't about this particular guy. It's about the "what are we" stage and everyone is assuming i'm saying i don't like him

[Masselin]

I lose interest if they have a lot of distance, if nothing happens, or if we are just too different.

[amarahorrorstory]

I think we have great chemistry, we just keep it light because we have only hung out once but have been talking for months. So we aren't at a spot where we talk about that yet.

[Masselin]

That's the distance part. Long distance relationships don't give you a feel of the person as a whole. Their tendencies, other things that only come up in daily life conversation.

[amarahorrorstory]

he isn't long distance. we live two/three towns apart. like 25 mins.

[Masselin]

This is weird but until you start spending repeating days together there's not really going to be a lot of "chemistry"

[amarahorrorstory]

Maybe for you. Many people meet and connect right away.

[Masselin]

You guys can have similar ideals, or things in life but I really can't say I've met anyone and done well with them after a relationship that originated over the phone. Maybe that's just me. I'm not a great example for your life, we are not the same.

[amarahorrorstory]

But we do hangout in person? So I just don't see your point

[ozzmanzig]

Because you have conquered that mountain and are bored. You still can have short meaningful relationships but you should warn them first that you lose interest fast

[amarahorrorstory]

No, this has been resolved. As stated, I do not find this guy boring.

[ozzmanzig]

Ok good questions, i will stop your test now. Thanks

[JesseTheMan]

Insert all the "He's boring. You need a real man who can take care of you. Hmu bb. I'm a sibgle guy from India but I promise you I will treat you right."

[JesseTheMan]

Lol I was right... 😂

[amarahorrorstory]

Yep! Like none of the men are answering the question but dissecting this guy none of them have ever met. Gotta love it here.

[JesseTheMan]

Haha yeah. It's pretty predictable lol.

[sbj78]

You don't like to be in a long term relationship or relationship with commitment. Just have a casual relationship.

[amarahorrorstory]

I've never been in any relationship. I don't care which one he wants to be in. I'm cool with either. It's the phase of unknowing that I'm talking about.

[VV3ZZY]

I would be greatful. I dont get many opportunities for love.

[amarahorrorstory]

that's not my fault. i never said i wasn't grateful, i just don't like the "what are we?" fault.

[VV3ZZY]

I dont like labels either ;)

[tesela]

You need to form a stronger relationship with him not only through looks but through personality other things

[DamnMan]

You are young and probably the type who's not into the type of relationships you're currently seeking. Try something different.

[someguykev]

Your spoiled and self centered, try to care about other things

[amarahorrorstory]

wow, you're bursting with great qualities, kev.

[someguykev]

Thank you

[rockrewls]

Maybe you should just stay single...

[amarahorrorstory]

because i really like him?

[rockrewls]

Then put in the effort true and lasting relationships take hard work...

[amarahorrorstory]

it doesn't mean i'm not putting effort, i still keep up with conversation, i just get bored of waiting to get farther into it

[rockrewls]

Patient you aren't... Wait you must... Yoda!!

[dragon9669]

You're being bored to death

[amarahorrorstory]

I don't find him boring at all.

[dragon9669]

You need to read your own story then

[danielmeegan]

Expectations get in the way