Why do women lose interest when a man gives them more attention?

[partyboy45]

What is it about this phenomena? Whatever it is, its so basic that a guy may not even mean to give her that much attention and it turns her off. He can have the best intentions and not be needy at all, and she will still lose the attraction. Why? I have lost so many opportunities with really hot women because of this. I also read that women are supposed to do 70-80% of all the chasing for a truly healthy and lasting relationship. Then, the guy said that most women would deny that even though research and even his own clients can attest to that claim.

This is especially confusing for me, because I literally just have never had any women chasing me. Like, EVER! I dont even know how, why, or what makes a woman chase after a guy. Like, how am I supposed to show genuine interest, be smooth and 'cool,' be nice, mysterious, and the bad boy all at once, and then ignore her just enough so she chases me? Its confusing, seems very illogical and has ruined a lot of potential relationships for me. Please share your thoughts

Updates

+1 y

I think a lot of women would avoid answering this for 2 reasons: 1) they dont even understand why or 2) they dont want to admit the dark side of female sexuality.

Updates

+1 y

Usually the ones I am not very attracted to are easier to ignore and be patient with. And usually the women mistake that as the guy being confident or busy doing "better" things, but really its because he is just not that attracted to her and doesn't

[147703]

I personally like a lot of attention from someone I'm dating/in a relationship with BUT there are times when I need some space, and when I need time to myself (I'm busy, with friends/family, have a lot on my mind). When this happens I like being able to have that time without constantly being bombarded with calls and messages. If I were to write down a basic guideline for communication that I think everyone should follow while dating here is what it would be:
A good rule of thumb in general, is if you call or send more than 3 consecutive messages (aside from telling a long story), it's a bad sign. The most you should contact someone in a day without a response, is 3, but the more days that go by without them responding, then it should be reduced to maybe once a day, or every other day.
A challenge that I give to some of my friends who tend to be on the clingier side is this:
Set a period of time, maybe 3 days, where you do not message/call the other person first. Let them come to you. Don't tell them you are doing it, just do it. It will give them space to breathe, and make them realize they want to talk to you on their own. If they do NOT call/message you after 3 days, just say something like "hey how's everything going? been thinking of you." that's it, and wait for them to respond again. Any time you feel yourself over-thinking or over-contacting, repeat this challenge.
Also, confidence is key! There is no need to ask if something is wrong if you haven't gotten a response, you can ask how everything is going, but do not show that you are worried they have forgotten about you because it can lk desperate (especially if it's only been a few hours, or even a day).
As much as we want you to chase us, we also need to be able to have time to reflect and realize we want to chase you back. If someone is serving themselves on a silver platter it takes the chase away and can very quickly become too much. The more someone messages me, the less likely I am to respond.

[147703]

Sorry haha I have a lot to say on this issue. :P hope you find something of it useful! :)

[partyboy45]

Yes, I liked that you had a lot to say and it was informative. I also like that you said "repeat this challenge," as a way to lighten up the anxiety when overthinking about if she still likes me and stuff.

[147703]

I'm glad you found it helpful :) I was worried I may have just ranted a whole lot of nonsense. But I stand behind all of it, because it can be hard to not over think and not worry that something may be wrong, and unless you set a limit for yourself, its VERY easy to just contact left right and centre :P I hope it works for you! :)

[boodafull]

lol We can be confusing can't we but so too can you men & do quite the similar...

Firstly we back off for a number of reasons.

1: your coming on too strong and we get intimidated, maybe the woman has just newly come out of a relationship and doesn't want to jump back into something with you straight away, it can be confusing if she is being all chatty with you and flirting but that doesn't mean she wants a full blown relationship within weeks of this conversation, she's getting to know you.

2: She was interested but then something you said or did turned her off.

3: She met someone else whom she clicked with has more in common with or attracted to.

4: You dont share the same life goals or direction she sees herself going.

5: She has a bf but isn't happy and goes online seeking to see if there's anyone else out there who will make her happy, laugh, smile again someone whom will give her attention the things he's lacking...& meets you chats everything is going great then bang she's no longer speaking to you and pulled away unexpectedly without cause and you know nothing seriously happened to her as u see she's still active online
but when you've asked for her number or to meet up etc she's turned cold, she's hiding something and yes it could be her insecurities whuch is a big part of it when u meet a man if she is worried about something she doesn't feel confident with herself/body but a good percentage of that too is partner issues and sometimes theses women really are online genuinely unhappy want to leave this guy they are with but are scared or have too many ties with him & seeking if there's anything better out there before they take the plunge and she could like you very much but within that time of your getting to know her things could of improved with the man she's currently with, hence why she's become disinterested.

[Prof_Don]

From my experiences all u say is spot-on; this deserves best answer.

[HopelessRomantic2119]

Could you elaborate more on the first point you made? I think that's what happened between me and my ex. We were exclusive for 3-4 months and I had really started to fall for her. She was very insecure about her looks and always "jokingly" suggested I had other gfs because she was insecure and wanted to hear that she was "my one and only". I had suggested moving in together in a few months and while she said she was definitely interested in that, I later found out from her friend that the idea of that scared her and contributed to us breaking up-- even though my ex insisted I didn't do ANYTHING wrong.

[Anonymous]

Guys who give constant attention are usually trying to force women to validate their existence. It isn't about liking the women, it's about neediness. You'll know if you're doing this if your interactions are more one sided.

A normal conversation will INCREASE attraction and interest if the girl likes you. If she isn't into you, she isn't into you. Trying to force it gets convoluted and awkward.

Playing hard to get is basically a way people avoid the truth to themselves so they can live on the illusion a bit longer.

[partyboy45]

"Playing hard to get is basically a way people avoid the truth to themselves so they can live on the illusion a bit longer."

What did you mean by that?

[Opinion Owner]

When two people like each other, everything feels natural. Comes games and overthinking are kind of a way of avoiding the truth that if the persona really liked you, it wouldn't be so hard.

[Opinion Owner]

*complex games

[partyboy45]

YES! TRUTH!!! Great answer, but what about in the very beginning when you're both getting to know each other. Does this rule apply then?

[Opinion Owner]

You want to give strangers appropriate emotional space. So don't imagine the intimacy to be greater than it is. For example: Texting someone off and on all day when you're really close can be ok, because you have a built up a history and routine. Texting someone you just met this frequently is like trying to force the connection. Shorter, less frequent interactions with people you don't know well isn't playing hard to get, it's natural.

[partyboy45]

Well, what about in situations like passing by someone at the gym and just exchanging glances? How would it apply in that situation?

[Opinion Owner]

That person is basically a stranger still.

[partyboy45]

Yes, I understand that. I mean in that situation when you're both strangers and jist checking out people you pass by in public. What is too much attention?

[Opinion Owner]

Following them around without making conversation...

[partyboy45]

Well thats not what I meant...

... As in the girl is walking north, and the guy is walking south. They cross paths and he looks at her but she doesn't look back. there's no eye contact. But then when the guy ignores her, she looks at him and seeks eye contact. Whats with this phenomena?

[26ukdude]

I have no idea, one minute ignoring a woman makes her more needy, the next she doesn't bother.
Likewise giving her attention makes her want to hang out more sometimes, but other times it has no effect.
I really have given up trying to understand them its like trying to make sense of the Universe.

[GrowStrong]

have you got any articles or anything we could read on this theory? sounds interesting. but yeah i think your right if you show too much of an interest they feel like they already have you in a way so dont need to try as hard then are less interested. it sucks...

[northernligths]

I think some women loose interest because too often a guy becomes spineless and will do any and everything for this girl and he barely knows her. This is a turn off. She knows she can manipulate you to do things for her and that's boring.

Its funny but the girl you are not attracted to is probably the girl who won't screw you over. But you want the hot girl and the hot girl may come with consequences. She more than likely has more than one guy chasing her so she doesn't really have to be nice nor does she care if you are nice.

[partyboy45]

Yes, it goes both ways. But what I dont like about your answer is where you say, "She knows she can manipulate you to do things for her and that's boring." This reflects a huge difference between how men and women think, because no man would ever think about manipulating a girl like this. Maybe wooing her to have sex, but not exploiting her feelings for 'things.'

Also, the girl Im not attracted to may still screw me over. Just like the hot girl with more than one guy chasing her may not screw me over. But one thing I know for sure: the girl who likes me, I would never manipulate or take advantage of for ANYTHING. Maybe make out or be playful, but I certainly wouldn't sleep with her or get her to buy me shit, or elaborate favors unless I wanted to be with her.

[northernligths]

People are people no matter what. Men are capable of manipulating women just as much as women are able to manipulate men. Its great and noble that YOU don't do this. But it doesn't mean other men do not. You have good values but not all men are like you.

There are quite a few dead bead guys who live off of women, have no job, drive their girlfriends car and have no intention of bettering themselves. I have seen it. The reverse is true to.

[bdpayne3]

I like a lot of attention from a guy. But there is a bad kind of attention. Like if we haven't been talking that long and your already having strong feelings it will scare a girl. That shows you'll be really clingy and no girls wants a guy who needs to know where you are 24/7 and who constantly feels the need to text you even when you don't reply. But personally I don't like to chase a guy I think it should be a equal effort. Most girls (which aren't the kind even worth being with) like to have to chase guys who honestly don't even want a relationship because they like to change him and all that and be the one girl he finally gives attention to instead of going with the guy who wouldn't make her do all that to get his attention.

[partyboy45]

You said exactly what the guy in the article said you would say. But if what you say is true about women chasing after a guy to change him, to conquer and feel victorious in winning his affection... then does that not in itself show that women should be the ones chasing? If thats the case, then why aren't the women asking men out on dates? We have this cultural ideal that the man has to court the lady, and show her affection, give gifts and do favors, but research and even our experience shows that thats not what women want and that doesn't make a woman feel any passion toward her man.

[EnyaAries3000]

Really, relationships need to be a two-way street. If a man keeps showering a woman with attention and affection, it gets boring, but not for the reasons you think it does. In that case the man wouldn't be allowing the woman to show affection back to him. He's not giving her a chance to show him how much she likes him. Also the same way around, if a woman shows too much affection for her man, he's not going to have a chance to show her how much she likes him. For a relationship to work, both people have to actively be chasing each other, and when that stops, the relationships seems to dissolve. If you try to chase a girl, then go for it, but if she doesn't show interest in you after your chasing, she may just not be that into you, and that's perfectly fine.

[daybydaydreamer90]

ok, well I don;t know about every other woman BUT... a while back I was hanging out with this guy who was awesome, bubt I think what kinda had me backing out of a potential relationship was that he was showing me "relationship" gestures like buying me expensive gifts before we were even together. it was something best reserved fro when we got serious. Also textinf me too much, becoming jealous don't do that.

[BertMacklinFBI]

it depends on how you're giving the attention. if you make it seem like you'll be there for her every call at her toes and feet then she doesn't even have to try to get your attention and it would just bore the shit out of of her.

[decemberxblue]

In my experience, I did the best with girls who got the least amount of attention, and sporadic attention. I wasn't deliberately doing this, I just wasn't very interested in them.

[partyboy45]

Same here, usually the ones I am not very attracted to are easier to ignore and be patient with. And usually the women mistake that as the guy being confident or busy doing "better" things, but really its because he is just not that attracted to her and doesn't really care if they date or not.

[decemberxblue]

"And usually the women mistake that as the guy being confident or busy doing "better" things, but really its because he is just not that attracted to her and doesn't really care if they date or not."

Exactly!!! If I could give that BA on your own question, I would.

[partyboy45]

Thanks, I will put it in the update so others for sure read it

[lulu1793]

She's maybe just not that into you cuz when a woman is interested she will go for what he wants

[partyboy45]

that hurts, it tells me that hardly any women are interested in me. I know better, I see women checking out guys all the time and taking double takes. Just not at me

[Anonymous]

Does it honest to god really matter why?

The only question you should have is if it's true. (Which it is.)

Don't try to figure out women. Women are the only ones who understand women.

And all women hate each other.

[Strider90]

What you say in the first part is something that happened to me countless times. Usually it goes back and forth until she loses interest in you.

[Tractorbeam]

Women only want what they can't have, or haven't already got.
Once they've got it, they don't want it for long.

[pancakee]

a lot interest is so boring.

[Adorable-velocity]

The thrill is in the chase.