How can I ask out my guy friend?

[katestar]

Do I like him?

Updates

+1 y

You know that I've been trying to forget about him. But I'm not seeking romance now. I'm focusing on dance studies. If I remember him. I'll forget about him. Even though he's a good friend. Now. I can't forget about him. I'm not ready to have any feelings for him now. If I do. I'll ignore him.

[HollyK21]

We talked about this the other day at great length, and you’ve also spoke lengthily with others about this topic as well each time you repost it. So I’m just curious what sort of response would make you satisfied? In our conversation, you told me that you’ve already confessed your feelings to this guy friend, and unfortunately he told you himself that does not want to be with you. So what more can be done? You don’t want to move on from him because you’re hoping he will change his mind one day, even after 10+ years, and you won’t accept what he’s told you. So what are you wanting?

[katestar]

I do want to be with him as friends.

[HollyK21]

I genuinely think that’s great if you are fine with friendship. But if you are ok with being friends, then why do you keep asking how you can confess your feelings or ask him out?

[katestar]

I have to figure this out without letting him know that I'm in like with him. I have to ask him why he turned me down.

[HollyK21]

Well you already know you love him, not like him, you told me you knew at 19. If it were just a crush, you wouldn’t have waited for him all this time, or still choose to wait for him and not date anyone else. So maybe those feelings are something you just need to come to terms with that you can move on to the next step, which is asking why he rejected you. There is no right way to ask that question, because no matter what you are going to be afraid of losing him or him turning you down again. It’s really scary. But if he’s truly your best friend, then you should feel comfortable enough to open up and ask these questions. I think having closure from him directly will help you a lot.

[katestar]

I've chosen that long time ago. Since I was 14. I've loved him.

[HollyK21]

I know you love him, you’ve already said you do. That’s why it’s confusing when you post this question and ask “do I like him?”. Now I think your next step show be asking why he turned you down. But Kate if you don’t have the guts to ask, or you don’t want to mess anything up, then there’s no reason to keep asking what to do. You have already decided.

[HollyK21]

**should be

[katestar]

There is a song that will change my mind about my feelings for him.

[HollyK21]

Kate you aren’t answering my question, and I say this politely. You know you love him right? So why do you keep asking if you “like” him?

[katestar]

Of course I do love him. It's just that I'm scared of that. Liking him is a part of the crush.

[HollyK21]

To be more clear, I guess I’m just trying to understand what answers you’re looking for that myself and others have not already tried to answer. Like you specifically asked in your question “do I like him?”, but you already know that you do. You’ve asked how you can tell him you’re interested, but you already have and you got your answer. Do you see what I mean? You’re asking for resolutions to things you’ve already said and things you already know.

[katestar]

Really? I was scared to tell him that I'm in love with him when I was 14.

[HollyK21]

Maybe you haven’t said you love him, but you have told him that you are interested, and he turned you down, right?

[katestar]

Yes. I've told him

[HollyK21]

So what are you wanting to do now?

[katestar]

Maybe I should plan to win his heart.

[HollyK21]

Or just ask why he turned you down in the first place. If he has his reasons then winning his heart won’t work, it would actually drive you further apart for not respecting his wishes.

[katestar]

You have a good point

[HollyK21]

Be brave, ask the hard questions. Because I think actually hearing what’s going on in his head will really help you understand rather than trying to make sense of it on your own. I’m sure it’s not a conversation you want to have, but you just can’t dive into making some big scheme to win him over or change his heart when you don’t know why he turned you down in the first place.

[katestar]

You're right about that. I don't want to ruin our friendship by winning his heart. I just want to talk to him about what happened. That's all. I'm okay with us being just friends.

[HollyK21]

I think that will be the best thing. Hopefully he can give you an answer that’s satisfactory or brings you peace of mind😌

[katestar]

Yes. If I do that. He will think that I'm interested in him.

[HollyK21]

So start there. You can’t make anything else happen romantically if he isn’t on the same page.

[katestar]

You got a good point on this one. We've been friends for 21 years

[HollyK21]

I do remember you mentioning how long you’ve been friends. Do you see each other often or do anything that implies he’s interested?

[katestar]

Back when we were teenagers. We see each other as friends. Nothing else. We have a good friendship over the years. And then things changed. My feelings for him were developing.

[katestar]

And by the time I was 22. And he was 23. I realized that he cares about me as a good friend.

[HollyK21]

I’m sure that means a lot to you. Do you have a method in mind for how you want to ask why he just wants to be friends?

[katestar]

Well. Anyway. He wants to be friends with me because he was homeschooled

[HollyK21]

That doesn’t make sense at all Kate. Is this what he told you himself?

[katestar]

He told me that he can't date me and he can't marry me. Friends don't marry each other.

[HollyK21]

So then you genuinely already have your answer, girl. He told you that he can’t date you or marry you, so there’s no way to make him fall in love, and you shouldn’t want to manipulate him into that anyway. You told me before that you are ok with being friends, so then you have to stop seeking romance. Accept his answer, so you can move on. I’m not saying don’t be his friend, but just stop waiting for him to be your boyfriend, when you already know the answer.

[HollyK21]

It would be really unfortunate to see you post about this again. We spend a lot of time talking about it, and you’ve spent time with others as well. You can’t say you accept his decision, then keep asking for ways to change his mind or make him love you. Maybe professional help like therapy would help you move on.

[katestar]

I can't move on. I can't accept that.

[katestar]

You're right about that.

[katestar]

If I move on. I don't get to fall for him.

[HollyK21]

You have to try. Because asking repeatedly for ways to make him fall in love with you, when he has already said he just wants to be friends, is selfish and manipulative, and you are not that person. I know it hurts a lot, but it is what it is, whether you want it or not. We could sit here all day trying to stir up a plan, but it would be really disrespectful to him. So please try to stop seeking romance, for your own sake.

[katestar]

I'm not seeking romance. I have to know why he turned me down. I'm focusing on ballet studies. That's all. I don't want to be the girl he knew.

[HollyK21]

I was telling you that before, about asking why he turned you down, and first you said you wanted to ask, then you told me he said it’s because you’re friends and friends don’t date. So it’s a bit confusing for you to say you know, but you don’t know as well? Anyway, I don’t want to talk in circles. If you want to have a conversation with him then I genuinely hope that talk gives you the closure you seek. I think it’s great to direct your focus on your studies. Hopefully the distractions help you move past these feelings for him.

[katestar]

What if I can't fall in love with him? What if I'm going to mess up? I'm a dancer. Dancers don't fall in love with actors. That's all.

[HollyK21]

Didn’t you just say you’re not seeking romance?

[katestar]

I'm not at all. How can I fall in love with him? He's a jerk. A heartbreaking hobbit jerk who turned me down. Even though. If he wants to talk about something. Well. He might as well he will forget it.

[HollyK21]

So why ask “what if I can’t fall in love with him” if you aren’t seeking romance?

[HollyK21]

This is starting to feel like trolling Kate. I don’t want to point any fingers because this sounds like a genuine conversation but unless you’re struggling with some mental issues, there’s just no way you should be jumping around in conversation like this with people and think it’s normal.

[katestar]

I'm sorry about that. It's just that I'm angry and upset and hurt about the rejection.

[HollyK21]

I completely understand, but all you can do is have a conversation with him, explain your feelings and get a better understanding as to why he rejected you in the first place. All this stuff about him being homeschooled, actors don’t date dancers, etc etc... these aren’t logical reasons for adults in their 30s. He should be honest with you about his feelings, and so you can get closure. From there if you choose to convince yourself that you can’t move on and you still want to make him fall for you, then no one can stop you. But I don’t think it’s a good idea at all.

[katestar]

Actually. I was 29. He was 30. When he told me that. I was shocked and surprised. I wasn't planning to react like that. I've loved him. Now that you told me that he doesn't want a girlfriend. I get it now. Maybe you are right about that. I'm sorry about telling you this. I thought that my life would be nice if I had a boyfriend by my 30s. It turned out that I was being silly.

[HollyK21]

No need to apologize, I was feeling very confused about where you were going with this and trying to get to the root of the issue so I could give you advice that actually helps. The most helpful thing I can say is that you can’t depend on the milestones to make your life nice, like getting a boyfriend, getting married one day, etc. Instead, you find little things that bring you joy, and altogether those things make you excited about your future. Right now you are focusing on dance, so keep your focus there. If you have other hobbies, explore those too. Make new friends, travel some places, and just live a life you can feel excited about. I won’t say anything about romance, because I know you’re struggling with feelings for your friend. But I genuinely think that when you can accept he doesn’t want a girlfriend, you can heal and grow. You have to try though, not just brush it off as “I’m not ready to let him go, I can’t”. There’s nothing to hold on to because he’s not yours. Enjoy your life as a single woman, and they right person will come along who actually loves you back. That’s what you deserve.

[katestar]

I can't believe this. Just maybe he will understand that he will regret it for the rest of his life. Turning down the girl he cares about.

[HollyK21]

Maybe, but you can’t be too mad at him. He cares about you but as his friend. I understand as teenagers maybe things were different, but a lot of time passed between them and when he was 30 and you 29. Maybe those feelings left over those 10 years, and that’s just life.

[HollyK21]

I think being angry and mad at him will only hurt you more, because he didn’t lie to you or use you, he was upfront about just wanting friendship. If anything it’s ok to feel hurt because you wanted more, but don’t be mad at him. It just isn’t fair.