Sometimes people’s attention make me cringe, like there’s this guy who messages me all the time and he is cute, handsome and nice so sometimes I respond when on the mood, then he keeps telling me about his day, flirts with me and just tells me everything he does, what he is doing, how his day is going, what he is feeling - as if I care. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t know him that close to care about that.
Why does it make me feel negative?
well does he at all ask you about you?
i guess this is why i ask especially online if they are ok with me flirting. if i get a yes i continue as i normally do if no then i cut out the flirting altogether. as long as i get their consent i feel no qualms about flirting. but if they ever get uncomfortable i always encourage them to speak up and tell me then i know to tone it down. Online i mainly just do it for fun lol. And usually also do it with the goal of making them feel good. sometimes i hit a home run and it works well.. sometimes i swing and miss. it happens.
but yeah sounds like he only talks about himself which isn't good.
No, he also asks about me. But sometimes I don’t even respond, that doesn’t stop him to wish me a beautiful morning every day and to message me how his day is going and ask about me as well.
I don’t know maybe me being nice to him encourages him to message me even though I sometimes don’t even read his messages. When I am on the mood, I answer nicely though.
That being said, I am not a good texter, I prefer face to face convos or texting with someone I have already established a close relationship, friendship or so on.
well it sounds like he's interested in you with what you wrote here lol. have you been straight with him yet? like you aren't looking to date or something?
As for flirting, I feel like it should come naturally, smoothly and subtly.
"That being said, I am not a good texter, I prefer face to face convos"
hmm i think you sell yourself short there. you come across to me as someone who thinks about things a lot and often. and you like to express yourself through your words in a meticulous way.
but maybe you mean that you dislike texting and rather be face to face which i do understand. i prefer it that way too.
"I feel like it should come naturally, smoothly and subtly. "
indeed but it takes practice. it doesn't come naturally for some as it does for others.
I asked him to sing me a bedtime song through a voice message on a few occasions cause he is a good singer haha, that’s all.
I just feel good sleeping when someone reads or sings, that’s all. I didn’t mean that I am interested in him especially since he is back in my homeland and I am in China, so it’s just a waste of time for me to talk with someone so far just for the sake of flirting.
"I asked him to sing me a bedtime song through a voice message on a few occasions cause he is a good singer haha, that’s all. "
well... he might be feeling you're giving him mixed signals sooo lol. you may need to be straight with him that you just wanna be friends.
Thank you…
What I mean is that I like nice deep conversations but mainly with people who I already have a connection with.
understandable. feel free to dm me anytime you want another lol.
There’s this 2nd guy he used to record and read me bedtime stories because he had an amazing voice lol.
Now if everyone who reads me a story or sing a song for me expects to date me, that won’t be a good thing haha.
This guy has said he feels like we are a good match and that I am very nice, but I don’t know I just get cringed. He knows I go out partying and he says he feels happy for me, he knows we aren’t going to date, cause we are in different countries. I don’t know what his goal is, haha.
"Now if everyone who reads me a story or sing a song for me expects to date me, that won’t be a good thing haha. "
well it can be seen as an intimate thing to some people sooo lol.
and yeah looks like he is definitely interested.
It always makes me cringe. Attention.
Even with my ex fiance, when he first started dating, he had to seriously go out of his way to get my attention. I was too hard to get. He tried everything, finally he literally didn’t give me any other choice but to fall for him, he was in front of my home every day and night, he visited my workplace to take me on dates, cause otherwise I didn’t text and I rejected his date offers in the beginning.
Then when I slowly opened up too, and developed feelings, I was still avoidant to the point that when we got very close and he even moved in with me he slept next to me for 3 months without doing anything sexual. I just didn’t trust him enough.
The first 5-6 months he made me cringe too. Then I fell really deeply.
oh wow im surprised you didn't freak out and get a restraining order on him lol. some girls see that persistence as a guy stalking them or not taking no for an answer.
For me listening to bedtime stories is just a way to fall asleep :P
My ex fiance did that, sand and read to me, but I loved him so those things were just bonuses.
I don’t have feelings for these guys, I just think they enjoy talking with me and what I get in return is that they do me favors by reading or singing or so on and on haha.
do you tell these guys straight up that you only want to be friends? because you may want to start doing that lol.
Nope, I liked it actually and I encouraged him to do those things haha, because I am so avoidant that the guy who is chasing me must be very very stubborn and should not give up on me while I am sabotaging the relationship.
I told him from the beginning that I was interested but I needed time to open up. I think he got the hint. He was the most stubborn man I’ve met, I’ve ruined things numerous times and he was still there, that’s why I fell for him.
He wasn’t a creep and he was the type of guy who is usually chased by girls, he doesn’t have to do a thing. But I liked to get this extra attention from him, that gave me no space to run away, cause that’s what I always do with men. Always escape when I notice they are catching feelings.
yup that is definitely avoidant right there lol. and he sounds a little like anxious type with how you're describing him tbh. i was thinking he might be secure but i don't know. secure people usually don't chase. they pursue yes but chase they usually don't do. there is a difference between those two things
In the end our roles swapped l, I became anxious and he became avoidant. That’s when we broke up, he liked me when I was avoidant haha
would you say dismissive avoidant or fearful avoidant? dismissives usually intentionally sabotage the relationship because they can't handle feeling genuine love usually. often by starting fights over petty things.
Fearful avoidants usually just end up ghosting or not communicating at all because they are scared of these feelings.
But I changed because I loved him so much I didn’t want to hurt him anymore, and when I was avoidant I always acted like the mist spoiled girl in the world.
He liked that though. He fell for me when I was the worst version of myself and when I became kind to him, he slowly fell out of love.
I guess you should always stay yourself, never change for anyone, that’s one more good lesson right there and yep, I am avoidant I think, that is why I have this username ever since I was 17 and made my first GaG account haha
I am anxious avoidant, I don’t ghost, I just get so scared at some point that mess up everything and act really bad to sabotage my relationship, mostly it’s unintentional. I just feel like doing though. In truth I am very kind.
huh i didn't know you been here that long.
"I guess you should always stay yourself, never change for anyone, that’s one more good lesson right there and yep"
well i agree to a point, never change for anyone... but if you want to change do it for yourself only. because at the end of the day you are in charge of yourself and your mental well being.
It comes from early childhood. I spent summers in our summer villa, there I had a boy chasing me when I was 9 haha, I had a crush on him, he was 11. He fought for me with other boys and won, then he came to me and said he loved me and asked me if I felt the same.
I said “yes”,
Then he said we were a girlfriend and a boyfriend since then and he kissed my cheek. I freaked out.
Run home, called my mom and went back to my hometown without telling this boy anything, I was just freaked out to love someone.
That’s been my story ever since, with every boy or a man who ever started catching a feeling, I disappeared, emotionally or physically.
Once when I was 14, 15 years old popular basketballer fell for me, I caught feelings as well, he was shy and I was shy but we spent some really nice evenings together. One day he accompanied to home and before saying goodbye he said he wanted to say something, I knew he was going to say he loved me, I freaked out, changed the topic, then he leaned in to kiss me, I put my head away, I liked him so much though, then he whispered that he loved me.
The next day I stopped talking to him lol, he started having a depression for a year and totally changed as a person. Probably didn’t understand what the hell just happened.
As for me, I liked him so much, I was scared that I would fall head over heels. I actually had a crush, and reciprocated his feelings but I was so scared couldn’t control my behavior.
I wasn’t here that long.
I was here from 17 till 20 and then came back at 25. 20-25 those were my happiest years.
yeahhh definitely avoidant behavior. and usually this stuff starts when we are infants. it comes down to how our caregivers responded to us when we needed them. if they sometimes ignored us we become anxious, if we were completely neglected or even abandoned we tend to become avoidant.
so i would guess something happened when you were a baby and one or both parents just couldn't be there for you as much as a baby needs. doesn't mean they are bad parents or anything, just circumstances happened to where they couldn't attend to you at times.
what do you think? do yo know how it was for you as an infant? your mom ever tell you?
I know where it comes from. My mom suffered from Bipolar disorder, one day she was the sweetest mom in the world and the next day she was the most neglectful, not as an infant, that was my whole childhood. Every day I was scared what kind of mood she’d wake up on.
However, her sweet self was so sweet and selfless that he could literally be the beat mom on those days and the next day she would act like a monster.
She was suffering from a bipolar disorder, I made peace with my childhood and don’t blame her anymore.
But her coldness made me avoidant to love and physical touch, at some point in childhood I felt extremely uncomfortable to tell anyone I loved them or to hug anyone.
Even when my mom wanted to say she loved me or she wanted to hug me, I didn’t hug or say anything sweet anymore.
I remember when I first told her I loved her I had a hard time saying those words, I was 16 probably. Then I repeated that often, to get out of my comfort zone and to learn how to express my feelings.
I am very sweet with my friends and was very sweet with my ex fiance though, when I fell for him.
I am also very sweet to people who need me, children and elderly always think I am the sweetest person in the room.
These days my mom has changed, she recovered and she regrets greatly but it’s okay. I don’t blame her she had her problems.
I feel sad for her.
The person who was always sweet to me was my dad and my brother. My dad worked a lot and was often gone though, so it was my brother, for many years he was the only person who I felt comfortable to say “love you” and who I felt comfortable to hug, because he was the one who was always there for me.
At this point, the reason I try not to hurt men is that I always think they are someone’s brothers. He’s my soft spot.
ahh yes i see now. explains quite a bit. and have you ever sought therapy for any of this?
Sure. Yep. But I think it’s too deeply rooted to me and probably needs longer therapy to get rid of this pattern.
I am a bit cold hearted and very avoidant before I fall for someone, then I am totally the sweetest person in the world. Isn’t everyone the same in this matter?
no some people fall differently. secure people are not scared of those feelings at all and usually embrace them when they arrive. they communicate this openly and with confidence usually. so for them its different.
for me as an anxious person i tend to say it it of fear of them leaving rather than real genuine love that i've noticed.
And as you just explained the avoidants types are cold when it starts getting real. so it is different depending on the attachment type you are
Didn’t know you were anxious.
Do you think you are in a way like me? Because I feel like I might be anxious avoidant instead of just straight avoidant. That’s just my thought, I might be fully avoidant though judging from a perspective of a third person.
umm not so much unless you find yourself getting anxious and blowing up your partners phone because you suddenly feel like they arre gonna abandon you lol. thats how i can get sometimes.
although i don't blow up phones anymore thankfully. but the anxiety still comes to me still.
and yeah when i feel love i don't shy away from it i embrace it but sometimes i say the 'i loves yous' more out of fear of them leaving me then out of real genuine love. if you do that then maybe you are like me. but you said you run or shy away when things start getting real and i definitely don't do that.
In my relationship I was super avoidant in the beginning and very anxious towards the end.
That’s what makes me think I am anxious-avoidant.
yeah you can display attributes or qualities from different styles definitely. we aren't all nicely snug in a box of course. and it can fluctuate too. like you can be totally secure in yourself but get in a relationship with the dismissive avoidant type and suddenly you find yourself becoming anxious as hell because those types don't communicate well or start fights over small shit lol.
In the beginning he was the anxious one, always worried I would leave him, I made it my goal not to fuck up this time and not to hurt him cause I knew I was capable of that and his love was so sweet, genuine and vulnerable I didn’t want to hurt.
In the end, we had problems and I became anxious. However, when we lived together I was the avoidant one, I got anxious in the long distance relationship, in the real relationship I was the bad girl and he was my sweet boy always trying to win my heart and always worrying maybe he wasn’t good enough for me.
I think that one is more suitable for me, ldr messed up our dynamics, that’s why we broke up in the end.
When we were together, I was never jealous, I knew he was 1000 percent mine and even found it annoying to a point but loved him so much that I still always assured him of my love and often told him I loved him to assure and give him confidence. Haha how could I imagine he would be the one ending up hurting me.
So why do you think being an LDR messed things up for you guys? is it because you couldn't be physically intimate with him and you need that for it to work?
He was so anxious I would leave him that at the beginning of our dating, he quietly checked my phone and saw me flirting with other men who I dated at the same time as him.
He didn’t even confront, didn’t even say a thing. I quit talking with all the men and dating others when I guessed I seriously had feelings for him.
But he only confessed years later that he saw all these messages and he knew I dated others in the beginning and he didn’t say a word, when I asked why, he said he was scared I would leave him for checking my phone…
The fact that he was so anxious of me leaving him, made me feel more trust and love to him and I was more gentle with him. Of course I never dated or talked with anyone as soon as we became serious about our relationship.
LDR messed up our love life because my love language is touching and his love language is serving, he “served” and I made sure to always make him feel wanted, because that’s how I expressed and received his love, when I knew I had all the power on his body, I was confident about our relationship.
When this dynamic was lost, I was anxious who he was spending time with cause he wasn’t with me physically.
I would often call him and ask to strip down for me, but online sex can never replace the real one. So the whole dynamics was lost.
Serving not like sexual serving, lol. He was quite dominant. It’s just I expressed my love through touching, sex, kissing and so on.
yup thought so. physical touch is so important for people in relationships. when its not there the relationship can easily go south super quick.
“Yup, thought so” - what did you think?
yeah as i said. physical touch is pretty vital for people in relationships. it does add up why that relationship suddenly failed. life just got in the way it seems and separated you two.
Yep, when I came back he didn’t meet me, saying he was scared we would have sex hahahaha
Who is scared of sex? He was just scared he would fall for me all over again
pretty much. im guessing the sex was amazing hehe
I was a virgin when we got together and he was a virgin too. Can’t say I was that great, I was just learning, I am sure there are girls much much more skilled than me, we were both newbies.
However, one thing I know and I am confident about is that I am a freak and extremely open-minded with the right man, he would never get bored. I always had some new ideas. We only had sex for about 5 months of when we lived together and we managed to have lots of adventures during this time. I don’t think that’s something that will ever change because sex is my way of showing love and that’s why I don’t sleep with anyone other than my ex, I can’t, unless I am in love with them. But when I am, I love to make it the most memorable experience for me and him.
Him, though… I can say I had a very good effect on him, since he waited 2 long years of his 20s just to meet me again.
But can say that I have a feelimg he didn’t meet me because he still had feelings, if he didn’t have feelings he wouldn’t be scared to meet.
That’s for him to find out though. Whenever the love phase of his new relationship goes away, he will realize he fucked up. It’s a matter of time and experience, I always thought it was unlucky that I was his first girlfriend because he would wonder what are others like, I am the type of girl, men value later on in life. And yet he met me and let me go.
I was his fiancé and I loved him so much not only waited for two years loyally but also flew the half of the earth to be with him again.
I supported him in anything, I built him up to be a successful man he is today, accepted and loved at his worst not only at his best, when he messed up bug time I was his partner in crime, always telling him we’d figure out and he had my back. Having my back is an amazing thing because there are a few things I won’t do for love.
But I guess I loved him too much, he didn’t need that, he appreciated it better when I didn’t care that much.
there are *fee things
Typo again
Yeah this new relationship is likely just a rebound. Itll be over pretty soon.
He obviously likes you and wants a girlfriend. Which isn't bad, but what he is doing is trying a little too hard for your attention and he's just coming off as annoying at this point.
But you're not perfect in the situation either. If he's getting on your nerves and you find his flirting to be cringey, then why do you let him message you? If you don't care about his day, his life, or who he is, why are you not just telling him that you don't really want to hear from him anymore?
It’s only cringe when they’re barking at the wrong tree and they’re trying so hard for things to happen
Simple. If you were attracted to him, you wouldn't cringe.
Opinion
11Opinion
TBH You shouldn't feel negative because for Starters he is giving TMI, He seems very insecure looking for approval from others vs being confident and self reliant in decision making. Hopefully he hasn't sent you any unwanted D*ck pics, if so don't feel bad to delete and block Just Saying
Do you think maybe he is trying too hard or you think he is trying to play you, or maybe you are just fresh out of a relationship so you are still somewhat frustrated, or maybe you just get it too much and you are becoming numb to it
No. Because to me "flirting" is deceptive. And I'm not a deceptive person. I think most women who flirt are cringe. Because most the time I can tell if they're full of it. And I'm laughing on the inside that they think they're actually accomplishing something.
I have a better question, why do you keep him around them?
Is it doubletalk? Borden? Validation?
Keep around where? I barely message back.
I like him more than the ones who I never respond at all.
When I am bored I text him back. But these days I am never that bored. Last time I replied 10 days ago.
Ah no my bad, just 7 days.
Of course I see flirting as something cheap and inappropriate. Irrespective to what the world says about this.
Good question. I flirt with a girl at work and we will talk about work. Anything personal she will not answer. Yet I don't ask anything too personal anyway. Is it because of the guy you don't really react?
It doesn't, if the flirting lands, it lands. Some things just don't work.
Yes but that’s because I’m just super awkward and don’t know how to flirt back.
It only makes you "cringe" when it's coming from someone you don't want it from.
Yes. Flirtatious behaviour and personalities are not appealing.
Not usually, but then I am rarely the target of it.
you just not interested, flirting is only cringe if you really not interested in my opinion
Nawwh I feel for him
Lonely Fans type
Yes, I relate so much to your post 🤚
Yes, it often does.
I've never been flirted with, so no.
You want to change that?
There isn't anything I can do. I'm highly unattractive, getting plastic surgery is too expensive, and then I'd be lying to them.
uhh yes
If it's overdone 😬
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