An interesting view on "flaky" girls and interest. What do you think of this conversation I had with my friend?

[Anonymous]

I was talking to a friend of mine who happens to be a girl. She is really hot but is strictly a friend, used to go out with a great guy friend of mine, and she is very unique. She had an interesting perspective on flaking an attraction and girls' interest. We are 23.

Give me your thoughts on the following:

Over the course of the conversation, the topic of dating comes up. I ask, "What does it mean when you meet up with a guy, have a great time, maybe even kiss, but then when he calls you don't go out with him? Like you make up excuses and

don't return his calls."

She replies, "Well there's this guy, Chris; Iwent to high school with; & randomly met him recently really

liked him. I offered him my number. He called me the other night, and asked me

to meet up. I told him 'You know what, I think I actually will. Let me call you

back.' I really wanted to meet up. For some reason I never did though. The

thing is, that I can feel the emotion that I felt when I gave him my number, at

the time that we're talking on the phone. But the second we hang up, poof,

it's gone. Also, I actually have scheduling issues. It's not like this is

someone who I have been hanging out with often; I like him but he is a lower priority.. If he happens to catch me at the right time, I'd

go out with him. But I won't take the time or go out of my way to return his

calls. I don't call guys."

I reply, "So theoretically, you're sufficiently attracted to this guy that

under different circumstances you could have wound up sleeping with him. Or

even gotten into a five year relationship, for all you know. But just because

of ill luck in timing and because he actually believed that you'd call him

back, now you'll never see him again. Is this weird to you at all?"

She replies, "Nope. It makes perfect sense. I don't care either way, because I

have guys available to me at all times so it's my last priority. That guy was

cool and I thought he was cute, and maybe I'll see him again later or

something. I also just give out my number to be social most of the time. It

doesn't mean I have any intentions at all."

I reply, "He could use that opportunity to continue the interaction to generate

attraction down the line, no?"

She replies, "It's happened before. Really I just don't want to meet new guys.

I like being social when I'm out. But if I'm attracted to a guy, I'll probably

flake on him. I've already slept with enough guys (she's nineteen years old,

and has been with five guys), I don't want to sleep with anymore right now. Looks or status don't matter to me; it is not like I am waiting for the most gorgeous or succesful guy. I have higher priorities right now; if the situation is right & I am in the right mood I will meet up with a guy I like or talk to him on the phone. But because I am hard to contact/meet doesn't mean I'm not not interested. If a girl is positive and happy to hear from a guy the guy still has a shot if he plays it cool and non needy even if he calls/texts ofte

Updates

+1 y

it doesn't matter

[tolwayrf]

Your female friend was flaky with the guy in the story. When you phone a woman to ask her out on a date and says "Let me call you back", it's 100% guaranteed that she is not interested.

If George Clooney called this chick and asked her out, do you think she'd say "Let me call you back"? Of course not, because this is George Clooney and the last thing she'd want to do is give George the impression she wasn't interested. In her mind, George Clooney has to beat women back with a stick so if he asks her out, she's gonna say yes or she'll might miss out.

Your friend pretty much corroborated what I said. Filter out all the words and all the baloney and you're left with "he's not much of a priority". Why? Because your female friend has got so many guys chasing her and he didn't in any way stand out.. so why bother?

Let me ask you a question. If you were running a business, you'd get salesmen visiting your store saying "Have I got a deal for you! This new widget I'm selling is the next hot thing and will make you a million dollars! Want to buy it?". Imagine having that conversation with a different salesperson every day. Gets repetitive doesn't it? I am a sales person and call you, asking to make an appointment with you to talk about my product. You're frustrated, you're busy, you're not interested. You tell me "I'll call you back". You never do.

It's exactly the same with girls. And unfortunately girls don't talk directly about their feelings, they talk around their feelings. "Can I call you back" = "I want this call to end now and I'm not interested in hearing from you again".

Ever read The System by Doc Love? He explains all this female psychology. Essentially his message is that you can never trust the words that come out of a girl's mouth because 90% of the time they talk baloney. They tell you what you want to hear ("That's a great idea!") or talk with a lot of ambiguity ("Can I call you back?"), but there is never any follow through.

Doc Love's point is that the only way to judge a girl is solely by her actions. If she doesn't call, it means 100% she's not interested. It doesn't matter if her grandma died or if she was in a car accident. She didn't call, she's not interested. Period. Words don't matter, only actions do.

The guy shouldn't bother wasting his time with this girl anymore. It's a major no-no to let a girl get away with "Can I call you back?". You ask her out for a date and if she says anything other than "yes" or "yes but can I do this day instead?", she's not interested and you should hang up and move on.

Sorry, that's the truth. But you'll never get the straight story from most women. They'll give you a "Oh, I'm sure she was just busy! Call her again and I'm sure she'll say yes!". Load of crap. Two possibilities: (1) she'll ignore you completely or (2) if her normal social calendar has a gap and she's bored, she'll contact you for a free feed and entertainment (and then ignore you). It sounds really cold but this is how it is

[tex151]

I try to tell people all the time that women are lost in their own little worlds, to me seems like this chick is just a flake to every guy she meets. She says she has guys available at all times so guys are low on her list of her priorities. It's funny how women say that hey have guys available at all times yet they're still single hmmm. The reason being is because your friend is full of herself and once a guy catches on they're out.

That girl thinks she has guys wrapped around her little finger and if she chooses to hang out with them she will, it shouldn't be like that and no man should put up with that crap either, but so many do and this is why they are terrible with women. I never have, never will play that game with a girl, it's a waist of time for me when I could be out there getting another girl's number. So instead of sitting by the phone waiting for her to call back which she won't the guy does what he keeps calling her back. That makes you look like a desperate puppy, and this makes her think I have this guy I can do whatever I want with him, I know that if I want I can call him up and he will jump at the chance to go on a date with me.

A girl attempted to try that trick on me and it didn't work, I called her she didn't call back so I just said whatever and I found another chick, so then a few days later she called me and wanted to hang out and I said oh I see you only call me when you want to hang out with me, and she goes yeah that's how it is deal with it, and I said nope sorry not going to happen but maybe just maybe I won't be busy in a few days and if I feel like I might call you up and see if you want to do something but don't keep your fingers crossed cause well I am busy man and don't have time to play your little games.

[Asker]

No the point was not to be fixated on one girl but that you could be playing the field and be persistent with a few girls but in a cool way. and give the impression that you are busy, etc. I guess it depends on if you have known a girl for a long time but never had the chance or the desire to pursue her or if you just met her at a bar.

[princess25sarah]

Haha hell yeah! Props to tex151!

I hate people that play stupid games. Just be straight out and up front. Why do people have to "prove" themselves or be constantly available for you? Lame!

And NO ONE should put up with it. Guys or girls. F*ck that.

[sassygal4]

Ha, that's perfect! Some women tend to have guys available at all times. We don't need to make that ONE guy a priority. I don't give my number out all the time though. There has to be enough interest for me to do that. At some point too, I've decided I just wanted to be single and just because there's a guy that I might like doesn't mean I'll stop wanting to be single and start a relationship or even attempt a relationship. I get asked all the time why I'm still single and my reason is mainly because I want it that way. I've met guys that I've been attracted to, but I just didn't feel like doing anything about it. And since men are not my highest priority, I too will meet up and talk if and only when I have the time. It's all about the way men approach me too. And, I've also met men who were just like this too. But I understand that sometimes their priorities are different too and so I don't sweat it too much.

[Asker]

So it's not hard to resist sex for months at a time, if men are not the highest priority and you want to be single?

I always had the feeling that a gorgeous girl, even when single, always has a few guys on the side having sex with her every so often; like her EX or some player, I don't know. I guess girls think differently and I guess, especially at the turning point in the early-mid twenties they are not so interested in sex the way guys are.

[Asker]

She also said that if a guy calls/texts her all the time like, for example, 3 texts and a call in one day, then every few days or weeks, as long as he is not leaving creepy messages and she has enjoyed spending time with him in the past or responds in a nice way: there is never (unless it is extreme) a number of calls/texts that is too much; she said she will just not respond, get back to him later, or something and think that she will get in touch at some point, in the back of her mind.

[sassygal4]

Yeah, I mean it depends on the girl really. There are times when I NEED to have sex and that's different, but a lot of the time I'm so busy doing everything else that I don't think about it too much and if the situation isn't right, I'm not going out looking for a guy. I've had points when I've had a guys on the side too, but again, that's not priority at all. That just kinda happens when it's convenient. I've never felt the need to go looking like I think a lot of men feel.

[sassygal4]

Yeah, that's true too. I've definitely done that. Its all about the approach. I don't mind getting phone calls or texts. Clearly that's a sign that the guy is still interested. As long as when I get back to him, whenever that may be, he doesn't act all upset because I've taken my time to respond, I don't mind it. I think (and correct me if I'm wrong) this is a difference between men and women. Men tend to think that if a woman does this, she is being needy, desperate, or clingy.

[Asker]

So when you NEED sex; what does that exactly mean?

a vibrator? the first guy who approaches you? a guyfriend?

is it some random guy who excites you?

so calling often in a funny/nonchalant way is a good thing? Like if I never get pissed that she isn't picking up and am always funny and where I don't care what she thinks?

I just like keeping in touch with people and sending funny texts, etc. With girls I like I am always unsure because of the idea (maybe myth) that if you contact a

[Asker]

Girl too often it is an instant turn off. I think if it is a girl you just met obviously it is a little intense to get a bunch of calls/texts before you respond.

But if you had known the girl for a while and/or from school (not in a "let's just be friends way") and had common friends or something or were in an activity, whatever, ...... it seems logical that calling/texting a lot is fine as long as it does not sound "needy" or that you are upset she is not responding/wanting to meet up

[sassygal4]

Most of the time, it's a vibrator. Now, if I happen to meet a guy that I'm really attracted to physically, when I absolutely NEED sex, then yes, that guy will be it. But it doesn't really happen often. Never just the first guy who approaches or a guy friend though.

Yeah, I like keeping in touch with people too and sending funny texts. It's the same for me too though. If it's a guy I'm interested in, I don't wanna seem desperate or needy so I refrain from doing it so much, but that also has to

[sassygal4]

Do with the fact that men are different than women in this respect. And yeah, definitely always play it cool, even if you're not. Nothing is worse than having a guy act pissy just because you didn't respond. I mean, if we eventually get back to you, that should be good enough. At least that's how I see it and that's how I feel about guys who do the same. If they eventually get back to me, then there's no reason to not be cool about it.

[princess25sarah]

I don't know. I agree with some parts, like the being attracted when I'm with a guy but otherwise don't feel anything one way or the other. In which case, why would I want to go out with the guy as anything more than just hanging out casually?

I want to be with the guy that lingers in my mind, that I can't wait to see or hear from or text. That's the guy I'd wanna be with over just a cool, attractive guy I flirted with but don't have any feelings toward one way or the other.

[Asker]

Are there times when guys aren't a high priority at all? any guys that is?

[Asker]

This girl who is a family friend and I grew up with told me like 8 months ago or so that we could maybe be together but I would have to work for it because just sex is meaningless to her. she had a boyfriend at the time. she has been single for like 3-4 months. I contact her sporadically and she never seems to be very responsive but always positive. when I persist we end up talking and she is so happy to hear from me and apologizes for being flaky. I am busy too but I don't know whether

[Asker]

To push the issue and try to talk to her often and set up a meet up; like call often but without sounding pissed or needy. She is super busy and has family commitments and loves her close girlfriends ans is having work problems. It just makes me feel awful to think that other guys might be fuc*king her right now and she doesn't want to see me. because I am good with girls but don't have feelings for many of them. I want to go out with her and not even to rush to sex but take it more seriously

[Asker]

And give it a chance; after a few dates I will know if it is going to happen and if she subtly rejects me I'll know; I just hate living in limbo because I think we need to giveit a shot because something good coudl come out of it; I am not obsessing but I just don't want to fuc* random girls I meet at bars anymore.

we have known each other and our parents know each other, so I can't tell if she is letting me down easy in more of a nice way than other girls. the weird thing is that she

[Asker]

I always seem to catch her at a bad time or vice versa but she always says "i would love to or we are going to meet up soon; see you soon, etc.

[princess25sarah]

Ok so figure out a time that's good for both of you. Call her on it. Say "well if you wanna get together, how about you let me take you out on a date?" Make her commit to a time and if she flakes then forget about her.

[Techan]

Sorry but your friend sounds like a 10 year old with A.D.D...

That all sounded to me like she'd see a guy and be like "Ooooh Shiny!" Then reach out to grab it and if a rubber ball rolled by her path she'd run off after it going "Ooh! Cool ball!"

[Asker]

I think you misread the passage

[Techan]

No, I read it twice. And I don't see her justifications as valid... just stupid. It makes her sound like she has A.D.D.

[sassygal4]

Hasn't there ever been a time in your life where you didn't want to be with anyone or didn't feel the need to go out looking for someone? That's all she is saying.

[Techan]

Well yeah... but that's not the part I was referring to... She made it sound like she could be attracted to someone and be all for going out with them, but then for whatever stupid little reason she wouldn't pursue it. It didn't sound like she was saying she wasn't looking for a relationship and didn't want to go out looking for someone. She sounded like she was saying that she could be attracted to a guy one minute and completely forget about him the next minute, which sounds immature and

[Techan]

Impulsive to me

[Asker]

Guys def. crave sex more than girls do but that's a good point. she is basically saying that she is interested in a guy but he is not a huge priority; it could work out if she decides to go out with him and the mood is right but does not spend all day thinking about him; she gets so much male attention that she knows that if she wants to see a guy she can, so she is not making a special effort and also doesn't want to seem to easy, probably I am guessing; this I did not ask her

[sassygal4]

Like men don't do this all the time. Women are always complaining men don't call. Some just lose interest quick or they find someone better or whatever their reason is. Sometimes men aren't looking for the same thing a woman is looking for. It's the same thing with women. If finding a man is not a priority, then no matter how attracted she is to him at first, that doesn't make her want to pursue it.

[Techan]

That's fine if she's attracted but doesn't want to pursue a relationship or pursue the guy at all... she still shouldn't give out the impression that she IS interested in that. I'm sorry if you know guys that play games like this too, I wasn't trying to make it a gender war at all. I personally have never done this and think it's silly.

[princess25sarah]

I agree with Techan. It's stupid. If you're genuinely interested then go for it. But don't lead someone on.

People always feel on top of the world when they don't wanna be in a relationship and someone is dumb enough to be into them.

But the second that person wants a relationship they can't find anyone that they're 100% into that wants to be with them. It's the ying and yang of the world.

So I guess karma bites them in the ass eventually anyways.

[metaldave20]

shes right, as bad as it sounds to us, she's right, I won't explain why, cause she explained it pretty well, but yeah