Am I overreacting? Friend "ditched" me at party.

[Anonymous]

My former best friend is now in a serious relationship, lately we barely text, barely meet up, ...we don't really hear each other anymore. She doesn't really ask me to hang out anymore, maybe once, maximum twice a month. I totally understand the fact that she wants to spend some time with her boyfriend, a lot of time, but I feel ditched. I usually ask her to hang out, she usually says "no, my boyfriend...". Just like yesterday. She asked me if I had something planned, she wanted to hang out but she had to ask her boyfriend first. So that last part gave me jitters but OK. We decided to go to this party, me, her and her boyfriend. At the beginning everything was OK, then a friend of hers (who can't stand me and I can't stand her) came to talk to her so I turned around and talked to other people. Then I turned around and I didn't see her anymore, I waited half an hour, standing there by myself, trying to have fun and dance, after half an hour I still didn't see her. So I went home and texted her that I'm home and I would pick up my stuff with her tomorrow (I left some clothes there and I wanted to pick them up today), now I was prepared for a range of answers: disappointed, upset, mad, sad, ... But she didn't even reply. I don't really know how to feel about this, I came home last night crying because it hurts getting ditched by someone you felt was your best friend...

Updates

+1 y

She came by to give me my stuff back, she asked me where I went last night and then she talked about what she did when I was gone, never asked if I was OK or upset or anything.

[Anonymous]

You're not totally overreacting here. I mean yeah it really sucks, so yeah points to you there, and yeah, points go to her and her boyfriend, because as you said it's understandable if she wants to spend more time with her boyfriend. So in that alone you would have been even, and I might have thought you were overreacting.

However, what concerns me is how you said she needs to ask her boyfriend first. I mean what's the story here? Does she need to ask his permission? Does he keep her on a short leash? Is the reason she's cut off from friends his doing, or is it hers? This is what has me concerned. See, if it was her choice, there's much less of a problem here (though still a problem) but I suppose I'll get into that later. If it's him though, there is a SERIOUS problem.

If he's the one choosing whether she goes out or not, that's a fucking problem, because a guy shouldn't be controlling what his girlfriend is doing, like that. If she wants to go out, socialize, see her friends, that's her choice, not his. The same goes for if he's telling her who she can or can't see. Her choice, not his. In which case I would strongly advise you talk to her about that, and try to wake her the hell up. Get her to realize that something is horribly wrong, because if he's controlling her, her life, and who she does or does not see, then this will turn ugly fast.

Now, if she's not being controlled, and this is her decision, how much of a problem this turns out to be ranges on why she's choosing to ditch you. If she's doing this because she thinks it will make him happy, she's doing it for the wrong reasons. If she's doing it because he's clinging, or whining that he misses her, this is a bigger problem. But both could be worked out, if you can talk to her about it, and approach her the right way. From there, what you tell her is different.

If it's to make him happy, I suggest just telling her how you feel. Maybe tell her you miss her, and how you're hurt. Perhaps tell her she's not being the best of friends, that you've been feeling neglected, and anything else you're feeling. Maybe also find a space to tell her that she shouldn't have to spend all her time with him to make him happy.

If he's clinging and whining, then this is still kind of controlling, it's just sort of pathetic too. I mean like above, she shouldn't have to be with him 24-7 just to keep him pleased. Still for the wrong reasons.

There's another possibility to this though. I hate suggesting it, because I really don't know you, so it might not apply. (So don't take this one personally) There is also the possibility that you're not a great friend to her. I mean maybe she is/was your best, but maybe you weren't hers. I've known people who thought they were great friends, but really all they do is exude negativity, or make other people feel like crap, on some minor level that eats at them. It's worth exploring.

I don't know what's going on, but whatever the case, you need to talk to your friend.

[Asker]

It sucks because she asked me to go out with her, tells her boyfriend that they have to make up some rules because otherwise they would get into a fight. She told him she doesn’t fancy him just going off somewhere then and she doesn’t know where he is. Well, she did that to me. If she doesn’t want me to come with her, then she shouldn’t have asked me. I wanted to have a good time, but then all of a sudden she’s off, God knows where she went, I waited half an hour for her to get back, but she did

[Asker]

, I waited half an hour for her to get back, but she didn’t. She knew I was standing there by myself, she never texted me or anything. I totally get the spending time with the boyfriend thing, but is that a reason to ditch a friend? I know I was one of her best friends, we hung out every weekend, talked on the Phone, texted, but then they got serious and I didn’t hear a peep from her anymore. It’s just that he has bad friends, so she doesn’t want him hanging out with them.

[Asker]

if he does, he gets a curfew. She doesn’t want him going to bars, so then she feels bad that she would go. It’s always: “I need to discuss it with him” or “I don’t wanna go out because he can’t go out” (yes, because she doesn’t let him). I have other friends in serious relationships, they just go out all together and I’m totally fine with that, I get along with them and when we hang out it’s always fun.

[Opinion Owner]

Sounds like she's the one who's controlling him, then. Controlling him, but also trying to be "fair" by placing those constraints on herself.

Am I understanding this right?

[Opinion Owner]

Well, if I'm close, then I think you're screwed. Because there's no good way to tell her how to run her relationship. I think you're going to have to wait for it to fall apart, and believe me, if she's doing things the way you said it, it's going to crash and burn. Either he'll break the rules of his curfew, or he'll just get fed up and things will explode.

But yeah, for now, it doesn't sound like there's much you can do.

[Asker]

She puts up with it every time, it happens almost every two weeks that she's upset about something he did or said, they have quite some fights but "they love each other" so they stick together. I know I lost her, I already talked to her half a year ago about how I hate it when she ditches me for him, that I miss her and I miss hanging out with her, that I understand that she wants to spend a lot of time with him but she should understand me too, that I lost my best friend.

[Asker]

I'm just wondering if I'm overreacting about last night. She asked me to go, we go with the three of us, an hour into the party, I'm all by myself for half an hour because God knows where she went off to, so then I went home, I texted her about my stuff, she didn't even reply.

[Opinion Owner]

You know where she's going wrong? Pretty much as I said. A person can keep with whatever friends they want. It's ultimately their choice. Trying to drive a wedge won't help. She shouldn't try.

[Opinion Owner]

As for this curfew nonsense, I frankly think the most she should be allowed to do, is ask him to give some heads up to where he's going, and that applies to him, too. But keeping an eye on him, keeping him on a curfew? No. That's just nuts. Let the man see his friends, and trust he'll make the right decisions.

[Opinion Owner]

Which brings me to my point. Trust.

She needs to trust him. I don't know what kind of "bad friends" she's talking about, but the ones I hear about most frequently (from women, on this site) are the kind of buddies who do things like go out to bars, casinos or strip clubs, or they'll say these kinds of bad friends are the kinds of guys who will try to peer pressure him into cheating somehow. Am I right?

[Opinion Owner]

Well, assuming I am, that brings it down to trust. It's not about these guys -- these "bad friends" -- It's about her boyfriend. She needs to trust him. She needs to trust he'll make the right decisions. By not blowing all his money. By not doing things she'd be uncomfortable with. By not cheating. Y'know. The right thing. She needs to trust he'd do the right thing.

[Opinion Owner]

If she doesn't trust him, then why is she with him? If she doesn't trust him, then she needs to end it. She needs to break up with him, because in the end the alternative will just make them both, and all of both their friends, miserable.

[Asker]

She won't end it because she loves him. There's no trust, and I'm not gonna meddle in their relationship, she knows how I feel about it and that's that. I'm talking about last night, not their relationship. Their relationship is their problem, and unfortunately, mine since she won't go out.

[Opinion Owner]

As for you...

No, I don't think you're really overreacting, although if this kinda crap has been going on for half a year, you can't be surprised by it either, right? Still, no, you're not really overreacting. Your "friend" is in the wrong. I suggest you make new friends. Better friends. Friends who remember who THEIR friends are. Friends who treat you right.

As for your friend...

I say if she ever comes to her senses and ends it, I think you have every right to give her an earful.

[Asker]

Thanks, I'm not really surprised by it, just really hurt and disappointed. Even the fact she doesn't bother texting back is rude, let alone ditching me at the party. I don't think she'll end it, she loves him, even though they don't have a good, stable relationship, but that's her deal, she knows how I think about it. Thanks for your advice. I do need new friends, I have some good friends at uni and I'll just spend more time there.

[Opinion Owner]

Good idea. Spend time with them. Seems like the healthy thing to do.

As for your "friend", yeah seeing as she's past six months, it's less likely her relationship will end soon, but I still think it will likely fall apart eventually. Oh, and the longer it takes the uglier it will be when it happens.

[Asker]

I know, she doesn't even want to live with him in the future so I don't really see a happy ending here. Oh well, I know it's mean of me to say, but I really don't wanna be there then, she doesn't know me when she's with him so she shouldn't know me when it's over then.

[Opinion Owner]

I hear that. I've been in your place. I've just sorta said "Screw it" and let friends like that twist in the wind. Let them sit in their own hell, and see how many friends stick around when they finally wake the hell up. I am pretty sure I won't be there. At bare minimum, I'm not waiting.

[Opinion Owner]

Also, in this instance I agree with the other guy's last comment. You want your stuff back, go get it, and then just break off contact. You'd have your stuff back, so you should be done.

[Asker]

I won't be waiting either, I know she'll have a lot of drama with him, there was a lot of drama and there always will be. But then I'll feel bad if they would break up and I wouldn't be there, but then again, she's not there for me as well... I just hope she'll text me back when she's home, I want my stuff back, lol

[Asker]

I don't know when she's home, so I texted her last night to tell me when, so I could pick up my stuff. I'll text her again tonight, if she won't answer I'll call her, pick up my stuff and then I'm kinda done.

[Opinion Owner]

Is it easily replaceable? If so, there should be a point where you should just decide to cut your losses, if this stuff is replaceable. So ask yourself if it's important, or if it's just the principal of the thing.

[Asker]

It's replaceable, just some make up and clothes and a pair of shoes I kinda really want back.

[Opinion Owner]

Well at least you know that it's replaceable.

[Asker]

Got my stuff back :) she dropped by but never apologized about ditching me.

[Opinion Owner]

Sounds to me like you two are done.

[Asker]

Yeah, she doesn't know I'm upset about it. I am done, let's see when it'll hit her I'm upset

[Opinion Owner]

Might take a while. Though I'm pretty sure if you turn down enough of her invites, she'll get at least the tiniest bit of a clue.

[Asker]

I hope so, I'm horrible at letting people know I'm upset with them about something.

[Opinion Owner]

Well, you know, she might not. She might be completely stupid or self-absorbed. Then there's the chance she'll notice but not care. I figure it's best I tell you that too.

[Asker]

If she doesn't even care, then why should I waste time talking about it? I told her once that I don't like it being pushed aside for her boyfriend and that I miss her and miss hanging out with her. Nothing changed, and after last weekend I'm really p'd off.

[Opinion Owner]

I hear you. Anyway, sounds like you're done. Either give her crap, or be passive aggressive and just decline her invites and leave it at that. Whatever the case, consider this done. Your friendship. This topic. I think it's done. Everything. Don't you?

[Asker]

I'm afraid so... Just sucks that this used to be my best friend and she just treats me like this because of a boyfriend who isn't even her "prince charming" if that exists.

[Opinion Owner]

Well, going on about it isn't going to help you. As for whether a prince charming exists, who knows? There are decent guys out there. That much I can say. Not all guys suck. Not all girls suck. Still, as for what you're going through, it sucks, but that's life. It can happen. Golden opportunity to make new and better friends, so you can either keep keep going on about it, and continue complaining about it to the internet, or you can live your life.

[Asker]

I'm not planning on drowning myself in sorrow, I got better stuff to do. If she misses me, she'll come back. If she doesn't, I'm even more done. I got other friends I can and will hang out with :-)

Thanks for the advice!

[Opinion Owner]

You're most welcome.

[gonyr]

Tell her how you feel about it. If she doesn't give a sh*t than find new friends or a boyfriend.

Se probably doesn't even realize she's doing it. Or her boyfriend is controlling and doesn't let her go anywhere

[Asker]

No, he isn't controlling at all. She doesn't let him go out because of his bad friends so she feels guilty if she goes out so she'd rather stay in. People think it's easy to just go and find a boyfriend, I don't think it is. Thanks for your answer though, maybe I'll talk with her about it, again, I already did that half a year ago, didn't make any difference then...

[gonyr]

Well one more time can't hurt. Ad she should just bring him along. Or stop telling him who to hang out with too

[Asker]

She brings him along, but he doesn't like places that are too crowdy, he can't drink because then he'll start fights and gets kicked out, he's quite aggressive with her too then. So she rather stay in with him and invite me to feel nice and awkward or she goes out with her sister and her boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

I don't think she should have to "check with her boyfriend" every time she wants to hang out with you. That is ridiculous! I understand they want to spend time together but she should also being spending time with you as well.

She clearly ditched you at the party, there is no excuse for that! I have gone out with guys I was talking to and my friends before and have never ditched either one. If anything I go out of my way to make my friend not feel like the 3rd wheel or the guy to not feel like 3rd wheel too.

Now you know she is not reliable especially when she is talking to a guy. Of course if they break up then she will be all about hanging out with you again. If she is your friend and you like hanging out with her there is no harm in doing so but just do not try to put yourself out there as much and hang out with her when its convenient for yourself, not always her! Hang out with her on "your terms" and try to hang out with other friends as well to get your mind off of her. Also maybe see if her boyfriend has a guy that they can set you up with! You never know :)

[Konnour]

Get yourself a B.F. too?

...or/and other friends. It's obvious she doesn't even care about your existence

[Asker]

Easy to say get a boyfriend ;)

I have other friends, in serious relationships too so we don't meet up that often but we still meet up and I still hear them. Oh well, now I just want my stuff back, I'm kinda done with how it's going lately.

[Konnour]

Go and pick it up? And then you're done

[Asker]

I got my stuff, she dropped by to give it. She never asked if I was OK or upset, didn't apologize for ditching me, I bet she doesn't see it as something I should be upset about :/