My boyfriend of 2 years is studying with another girl. Should I be worried?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We are both in our early 20s. 6 months after we started going out he started studying for his exams with one girl. Every time he takes a class, he finds a different girl to study with (and it is just one). He never studies with guys. I have confronted him about this but he just says that guys are unreliable and that he doesn't do it on purpose. I think the reason why he always studies with one girl is because he loves to flirt. When I met him he was very flirty but he has told me that he is not flirty now because he is in a relationship but I doubt it. I have seen him being flirty with girls a couple of times. I trust him in the sense that I don't think he is going to do anything with these girls but it bothers me that he would still flirt. Every time I try talking to him about it we just end up arguing because he says that according to his definition of "flirt" what he is doing is not being a flirt, that he is just being friendly but to me its more than that. This really bothers me and I don't know what to do about it. Every time I get mad I just shut myself down and this makes him really mad because I won't talk to him. At this point, I just really don't want to fight again over jealousy issues because I know how is going to end up. He would always make it seem as if I was the one over-reacting. What should I do? I really like him but I don't think a relationship can continue when you keep having the same fights because of jealousy and him being flirty with girls. Any advice? It would be very appreciated.

[dweebett]

I think you need to tell him that it isn't his definition of 'flirt' that matters, it's yours if he wants to stay in a relationship with you. According to you, what he is doing is making you uncomfortable. Any guy who truly cares about a girl, wouldn't overstep those boundaries or make you feel bad about them. Explain to him that this is how you feel, and that you love him, but if he continues to make you feel uncomfortable and not care about how this emotionally effects you, things are not going to get any better. Explain that you don't like arguing, but you can't help what makes you feel this way, and he needs to learn to respect that. But also be understanding on his part, because I think girl's are personally more reliable study partners. Make sure to acknowledge the fact that you don't think he is cheating, but that you are worried that he is putting himself in a position where that could potentially happen, and it bothers you.

[Asker]

I have discussed this with him before but he keeps telling me that if he just finds girls to study with I need to be okay with that and trust he won't do anything. He has told me that if I want the relationship to last I need to be okay with the fact that he is going to be around girls (work/school). I understand that because trust is essential in a relationship but the fact that he loves to flirt bothers me.

[dweebett]

I can completely understand how that would bother you. But also, if all he wanted to do was flirt and score with other girls, he wouldn't be dating you. I read your comment below about the girl texting him, and I think that is a little strange. but it doesn't matter what she asks or says, it is about how he responds. If you start to find that he is 'studying' more than he is spending time with you, than I wold be worried.

[Asker]

Completely agree with you! He is not spending more time with her than he is with me. He just has classes with her and they study together for the exams only. I just think that the way she texts him is very strange and flirty and I don't know if the reason why she does that is because that is the way he acts around her.

Most of the time, she just sends him texts saying you wanna study tonight? and stuff like that and he just says yes.

[Asker]

One time they did study until 11 something at night and that time I got really mad at him and he told me he would not do it anymore, that he would try to study in the afternoon with her and he has done that ever since but I don't know there is just something that does not feel right about the way she speaks to him.

Another thing one of those times when she asked him to study he said "yes I've got lots of questions lol" and that made me really mad. Isn't that him being a flirt?

[dweebett]

Woahhhhh there, he stayed up till eleven studying with this girl? That is not okay. Than I can definitely understand why you are upset. And I don't think a girl would be flirtatious unless a guy made her feel like it was okay. Then again, some girl's are freaks. But personally, you need to raise this issue with him, because you are not a crazy person for feeling this way. And if he can't respect you and how you feel? Walk. because there will be a guy who will respect your feelings.

[Asker]

Okay its not as bad as it sounds. The girl is some school program and she got off at 7:30 PM so they started studying around 8PM that is why he got back at 11PM. But still I know it is inappropriate, he shouldn't have gone study with her so late in the first place.

Do you have any tips on how to approach him with this? I have talked to him about how much it bothers me that he flirts with girls but it never works because according to him, he is not flirting, that is just the way he is (friendly

[Asker]

Another thing, yesterday after he got back from studying with her he told me he was going to email a professor to see if he could work with him during the summer or fall. I asked him how he knew about this (professor needing help) and he told me that while they were studying she had mentioned that she had emailed the professor too. This bothers me so much because damn if you know I am jealous of that girl why would you keep trying to do stuff with her.

[Anonymous]

Unless he's studying anatomy, then no, I wouldn't be too worried.

I know, I know, they'll be alone together for hours on end. He's naturally flirtatious. What if a girl falls for him? What if he "slips" and starts making out with her? ALL the romantic Hollywood mush starts rattling around in your head and cause you heartache.

Bottom line is that you either trust him or you don't. If you don't, you walk away from him. If you do, then stop reading the responses to this thing, turn off the computer and go enjoy the day.

In fact, either way, just turn off the computer and get outside. You're young and the world is your oyster. Tag a guy and ask him to hang out with you. Make sure your guy knows you're going to hang out with a guy friend. See how much he likes it.

[Asker]

Thank you for your comment, it was very helpful. I do tend to dwell on the romantic Hollywood and think he is just going to be flirting with this girl all the time.

However, I don't believe that I am completely nuts. He is a flirt as I said before but she is also one. Last night after he came back from studying with her from one to 5 something, she texted him around 7PM to see if he wanted to go study at 8:30PM too. I don't know what to make of this.

[Opinion Owner]

No, no, I didn't imply that you were nuts, lol! Girls (myself included) always jump to the dramatic process of overanalyzing. I just had this convo with a friend of mine last night. We all just have to stop engaging in the drama. If something doesn't feel right, get some space from the guy, no matter how long you've known him.

SHE definitely has something on her mind. I say tell him you're going out with X (whoever your sexiest guy friend is) a few of the nights that he's busy "studying" w her.

[Anonymous]

Yes,fighting over the same thing expecting a different reaction from him will only make him run. Youve said your peace. Maybe find yourself a guy study buddy and see if it fazes him. If it does maybe he will have a better understanding of how you feel.

[superdudeman]

Tit for tat

See if studying with another man bothers him. If he does, then he will either know how you feel or not care.

Its like judging him by his own standards.

I totally agree with this.

[Asker]

I agree with what you are saying too but here is the problem. He has a very different approach of dealing with jealousy. Even if I am working or studying with a guy and that bothers him he won't show it. He has never told me he is jealous of something I am doing with a guy. This is so because I am a very nice girl, I had never had a boyfriend before him, I am not a flirt, and I am very respectful with other guys because I don't wanna give the impression that I am interested in them.

[Asker]

He knows all of this and he doesn't ever get jealous because he knows I am not going to do anything that will bother him. Even if I say I am going to study with a guy, or I am working with a guy or whatever it is that involves a male, he won't get jealous. He fully trusts me but I feel that I cannot do the same because of his history of being a flirt.

[Anonymous]

So he was the flirty type when you met him? Would you even have got together with him if he hadn't been that way? Sounds like you're trying to change him, IMO. Trying to change your partner is unfair and a waste of time IMO.

[Asker]

I don't want to change him. If you are in a relationship you need to respect your partner. You can be flirting around as if you were single.

He has even said this, that he would flirt around and talk to 5-6 girls at the same time when he was single and now he doesn't do that. I would talk to guys too and now I don't do it. We are not trying to change each other, we are just respecting each other.

[Anonymous]

If you have been together for 2 years then you have to learn to trust him.

[Asker]

I keep telling myself this but it is very hard when you are with a person that likes to flirt and you are insecure.

[Anonymous]

Just trust him.

If you can't, find another guy.

[Anonymous]

Case in point of why I don't date.

[Asker]

Completely agree with you. I used to think that way too but then I ended up falling for him and all the troubles that come with having a relationship started to appear.

[Opinion Owner]

Someone is always jealous, no one trusts, everyone is disposable and replaceable, nothing is ever good enough. I mean what's the point? You can't love someone you don't trust.

[Asker]

Yes you can, I do love/ trust him and I love our relationship, everything about it, I just don't like the fact that he flirts.

We barely argue, the only problem we have is this. This is why I wanna do something about because I would not like our relationship to end for something so stupid.