21 and can't get a girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

I can't get a girlfriend, it just seems impossible, though it's not for a lack of effort. I've tried everything from reading online forums, to changing my attitude, and my approach. But whenever I'm interested in a girl, there always seems to be a disconnect with either me or her that stops anything from happening!

I don't have any problems attracting women initially. I've been told that I'm very very attractive. I think this is true because the hottest girls, wherever I'm at, often linger around me - at the library, bars, parties and girls stare at me every day, throughout the day (so I think this is true). So I meet a lot of attractive women regularly.

But I SUCK at interacting with women (and people in general). I have a high IQ and am intellectually "gifted" so have always had troubles relating to people. I'm a pretty awful conversationalist and just can't find myself genuinely getting into the details about someone's day. I can't tell awesome or emotional stories, I don't find goofy things funny, I can't get beyond boring polite chitchat because I just look at the world differently. I feel like I know what someone is going to say and why they are saying it before they are even done the sentence. To further make the point, when I get tipsy I naturally want to talk about deep-ish topics and debate a bit, but I have yet to meet a women who would put up with this, so I tone it down a lot. This leaves us with boring polite chitchat that neither of us can really get into.

And I'm not nervous or shy, which makes women think I not very interested when I actually am. It doesn't help that women expect so much from me and I have no room to screw up (because of my looks). I'm expected to be some smooth extraverted schmoozer - the life of the party.

And now I don't even know how to move forward with a girl. I feel like I'm boring and can't give them quite enough for them to say yes to a relationship with me. Even when a girl is really encouraging and obvious, I don't even know where to take them on a date or want to do because I'm afraid of being boring. Any ideas? Because if I can't get the conversation going well, girls tend to get to insecure.

I haven't had a good relationship in a long time. It's a tough life.

Updates

+1 y

@anonymous "You find other peoples lives boring." Maybe I do, that's not narcissistic. Why would I objectively care about an insecure girls 'life changing travels' and how she such an awesome person when I can tell she's still the same selfish self conscious person? I mean real things happen, love, sacrifice, altruism, beauty, transformation. Unfortunately most people kind of suck. I can tell there is something genuine to your answer though and it is helpful, so thanks.

[Anonymous]

You know how one of the most common things you'll see posted on this site, is that girls are over thinking the very obvious?

You're kind of in the same boat. You're over thinking what should be simple.

For example, when you say you can't get interested in the details of someone elses day - that has nothing to do with being smart, high iq or boring. That's just a rude form of narcissism. You find other peoples lives boring. So there's something you can work on - you need to improve your skills as a listener. You need to learn how to develop an interest in the inner lives of other people. Not feign interest, but develop a genuine interest.

You can't tell awesome or emotional stories, because nothing awesome or emotional has really happened to you yet in life.

You know how when you get drunk, you want to get deep? You and practically every other drunk college student out there. That's all quite common.

If a woman thinks you're not interested when you actually are, that's a good sign that you need to develop your flirting skills. These are different to conversational skills, since communication with women is something like 10% words, 90% physical gestures.

"I have no room to screw up" "I'm expected to be some smooth extraverted schmoozer"

That's a big deal to put on yourself. I would say give yourself a break here, and don't be so hard on yourself. The only person who really has those expectations of you, is you. If you just give yourself the breathing room to screw up multiple times, you will rapidly learn that other people will just quietly adjust their internal picture of you. "Cute but clumsy" for example, or "Good looking, but introverted". You have to show them who you really are. Be yourself, and stop stressing yourself into trying to be what you're not, just to match some strangers incorrect internal view of what you are, based on superficialities.

"now I don't even know how to move forward with a girl. I feel like I'm boring"

" I don't even know where to take them on a date or want to do because I'm afraid of being boring"

Again give yourself a break here. Try to have more faith in your ability not to be boring. It's a skill, and like many skills in life we make more progress when we assume we're good at it while trying it out for the first few times. Singing, dancing, having sex... these are all things where self-doubt and the fear of being bad, rapidly becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

In my experience, girls love to talk about themselves. More so than guys, I think. Building a conversation with a girl is simply a matter of finding the right questions to ask to give her enough room to talk about herself. Then provided you're attentive and actively listening, you can comment and build on whatever she says. Remembering that smiling is part of that important 90%, she won't come away thinking you were boring. Ideally, she'll come away thinking that YOU found HER fascinating. And a lot of women really dig that.

[MikeK]

Um, his boredom of listening to people's daily activities INDICATES THAT HE IS LISTENING! How does that classify him as a "narcissist"?

[Opinion Owner]

He's not really listening. He is dismissive and predictive about what they have to say. If you can't tell the difference, I suspect you suffer from the same malady.

[Anonymous]

Hello Sheldon Cooper :))

I see you are the genius guy when it comes to talk to a girl. But girls are not "attracted" to those types of guys. In fact, trust me, girls like it when they are a bit dominated by the guy. Which means that you have to look down to them a bit, and 'play/prank' them with words. Now I know it's hard for you because this is not your personality. But here's my solution.

When you see a girl or you are dating her, try to realize her weak points. For instance I am in finland, and it's cold nowadays. And when I see that the girl comes in from outside and her face is red, I joke with her that "hey, I see you had a cold weather outside. But no worries, you finns are already resistant to this eskimo weather, right?" :)) [Note that my original nationality is Hungarian]. Try to tease her a bit. Or it happens that blond girls here complain about it that "I go to a business school but maybe I am just a stupid blonde" Then I say "don't say this, you don't want me to take your driver's licence, do you"? :))

And don't worry where to go. The point is that you enjoy it. Whenever the girl sees you are enjoying, then she also feels okay. Don't bring her to radically guys' place, like smoky pub on the first date. Anyway the point is that take her to a place where you can keep her entertained. It is even okay I guess if you show her your favorite playstation game and tell the storyline in a fabulous way. They would find this cute.

[Eriss]

Are you in college? You should be. Anyways sounds like you're the kind of person who may need more than a first impression or date. Join a coed league of some sort. That way you have many chances for interaction before during and after the event invite the team out and go from there. You may end up with a girl or two hanging out after everyone else has left

Vavi has many coed teams kickball is easy even if you're not athletic and even if you're not intended in the females on your team, it'll give you practice interacting with women

[UnicornLobotomy]

First, you aren’t missing out on family and divorce court. You sound a bit like I was, but I was also an athlete and usually looked like it. This made it easier for me to be extroverted when I was tipsy and I dived deeper into politics to the point where I’d have a group of people raving at slamming beers or throwing shot glasses by the end of the night. Sometimes only going out with one person or no one at the beginning of the night. Since I too found most people to be as if they were back ground filling NPCs made to make life seem more real, thats it, I would make it more exciting. Gotta get 4 stars and get the national guard called in you know what I mean?

That was stupid and childish dangerous and impulsive. I swear I’m not a sociopath but I sure lived as if I was one in my 20s after a bad divorce and family court. Women will attach to you if you learn to be extroverted and be the life that the “party” is lacking. However, its best to wait until you have money to get into a relationship anyways. Last and most importantly, women who are 21 flirt with me know more than they ever did and I’m in my thirties and I rarely go out to bars parties and never go to clubs. I stay in shape, drive newer cars, and dress better than in my 20s (if I’m not in my usual working clothes).

You’ll have more options later bro. More attractive and more interesting women who are your age now will be more real with you and interested in you when you're 27-35. Just stay in shape and save money.

[NoBull]

First, we're more likely to say something that will screw up our chances with girls than not. So feel good you're not on the other side of the pendulum.

Second, you have to find things that you like about and are proud of yourself. Write down a list if that helps.

Third, try to realize what you're feeling emotionally--other than feeling bored. Then, listen to the emotions the girl is putting forth. Try to empathize.

Fourth, I'm sure there's simple things in life you enjoy. We all do. Talk about those things. Once you've isolated a girl, you can drop some of the philosophical stuff but relate it to your future career or ambitions.

[MikeK]

I have a difficult time too man - and I'm 8 years older than you are...

College chicks are a pain in the ass... many of them are lesbians, many of them have awful taste in culture, and many of them only want to study and not drink or have fun... I look at these "organizations" to meet people in college like "extra-curricular" activities in high school: The cool and fun kids aren't doing them - they were out getting drunk and high...

Granted, I also have the age gap to contend with, but I notice other guys in their early 20s are experiencing similar problems... Cyndi Lauper was wrong (Girls Just Wanna Have Fun) lol

[Anonymous]

You say you haven't had a good relationship in a long time, well to me that implies you have at least had a girlfriend before, if you were able to get one that shows you can get another one

[swt36b]

hey take your time it will come to you!i hope soon.

[Anonymous]

One thing I have learned is that if you are looking for your prince(or princess), you have to be patient.