Often times, we feel like we have the right words to say to someone who is experiencing a loss, a disappointment, or a shift in their every day reality.
When people are going through life altering situations, it is best that we try to be there for that person the best way that we can.
One of the ways we can do that is to show empathy for that person.
When you show empathy you are putting yourself in the person's shoes and you are seeing things from their perspective.
When you allow yourself to do that, you will realize that words that seem harmless, can actually be words of hurt in disguise because of the pain they will further cause the person that is hurting.
This article is in reference to those that are experiencing:
-The loss of a loved one.
-Emotional pain from daily verbal abuse (ex. bullying),
-Emotional pain from rape.
-Long term relationship ending/divorce.
It will get better.
Yes, things may get better but at this fragile state in mind this has got to be one of the most insensitive things to say. I am dealing with the here and the now, the future will come in due time. In this moment, just let me feel what is all too real to me.
It could be worse.
Literally any situation can be worse, but what are these words supposed to do for the person you are saying them to? When you tell someone "It could be worse", you are undermining the extent of their pain. Yes, things could be worse, but don't I have the right to feel the situation I am facing for what it is?
Just because some people may be worse off than I am, does that mean I haven't the right to cry?
Why should I feel guilty for my pain, my sorrow, and my agony?
Do not feel that way/Do not cry.
When you tell someone not to feel a certain way or not to cry, you are expressing to them, that it is not okay to show emotions. Every one has the right to show the way that they feel.
Often times, people tell others "Don't feel that way", or "Don't cry" because letting out a flood of tears is seen as negative in our society.
We are encouraged to show every other emotion besides sadness and hurt.
No, we aren't supposed to cry.
We're supposed to "appear strong."
We're supposed to act like all is okay, even if it isn't.
Why should I pretend?
Why shouldn't I feel this way? Don't I have every right to?
Never tell someone not to feel a certain way, they have every right to their emotions!
I know how you feel.
Do you really know how that person feels? Every one handles pain in a different way. Perhaps, this disappointment, pain, or grieve means something deeper than what you assume it to be. Just because you've been through a similar situation, does not mean that it affects the person in the same exact way.
For example:
My mother recently died.
You lost your Mother sometime ago.
You feel you can relate to me because you also lost a parent.
However, you must take into account that you NEVER know someones relationship with the person that they lost. You only know the relationship you had with your parent, so with that being said, no you do not know how this person feels.
You do not know their history with that person or what they have gone through together.
Every relationship has its own uniqueness.
You should be over this by now, that was a really long time ago.
So, there is a set date and time on the clock that I am supposed to be over this? If I'm not, then I am looked at as abnormal or one who is carrying this on far too long? Again, I state every one handles pain and loss differently, some people grieve a longer time than others. Some people never get over the pain, time doesn't always erase all wounds.
Be strong!
I am strong. I've been strong my whole life, just because I am at my breaking point why does that mean that everything I've done is magically erased? Crying, doesn't mean I am not strong, it means I am human.
Sometimes there really isn't much you can say to someone who is going through a life altering event. Sometimes you just have to be there for that person, and offer them touch (ex. hug, a shoulder to cry on, a pat on the back, an ear that is open to listening).Allow the person to pour their heart out to you. This is a release for them. Let them talk, don't interrupt.
If you choose to say words, use those that have compassion and empathy such as:
I am so sorry for your loss.
I will extend my support out to you. I am here for you.
These words do not undermine their pain. It doesn't tell them to numb what they feel. It allows you to show that you are empathetic and have compassion towards their situation.
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