Girl's Behavior

Why I Revert To Childish Behavior


I would like to speak on why I revert back to child-like behavior. This will be serious so...expect some #Feels


Why I Revert To Childish Behavior.


And a little bit of rain, will make the flowers grow... -Eponine




This is the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world, while she looks so sad in photographs...



Imagine being a young child, living with your father. It's always been you and him, a team, friends for life. He is perfect and can do no wrong. You're five years old, and he takes you to pick up his girlfriend. What's this? He's never told you of her! She's pretty but she's so condescending to you. He takes you with him to go meet her, and suddenly it's him and her now, occasionally including you.



Your father tells you about your mother, whom you see seldom during school and only one week a month in the summer. Your father says to you "your moms a whore" "She doesn't love you" "she is a piece of shit". Hearing this at such a young age, someone who absolutely adores your mother, it breaks your little heart. But it becomes routine, you get used to him speaking of her this way so you just ignore the words he says.



Your father dates this woman, and she moves in with you. She becomes your mom, the one who buys you little toys and dolls, who allows you an extra snack before bedtime or comes in and kisses you goodnight. She is your second mother, yet the one who is there more than your real one.


Why I Revert To Childish Behavior

Eventually she moves in with you and your father into a nice house and has a son almost immediately. That affection she gave you, while your father mostly ignored you...it changes. The son is her child, it's their child, while you're the bastard daughter of a whore who simply lives with you. That's what it feels like. Getting A's on tests and making friends no longer mattered. Then I started getting bullied, for my acne once I hit puberty, my small breasts etc. I was always called "the ugly duckling".



My father no longer cared, he'd ignore me whenever I showed him something I was proud of. Then my father and his girlfriend had a second son. The first brother is spoiled, yells at you and attacks you whenever you tell him "no you can't play with knives", he calls you a whore because you have opposite-sex friends, he tells you to kill yourself because he wishes he never had an older sister.



The baby brother, he's a sweetheart. He places flowers in your hair, hugs you everyday after school, calls you "Cinderella" because he thinks you're as beautiful as she. He makes you feel good, while you're being bullied at school, bullied by your father for taking seconds at the dinner table, or because you're acting a little bitchy on your period (because he won't buy you midol for your crimpling cramps).


Why I Revert To Childish Behavior

(The day my brother put flowers in my hair and began calling me Cinderella. He kept it up for months. This was taken April 20th, 2015. 3 months before I left my fathers, 1.5 years after I attempted suicide. You can read about that here -> https://www.girlsaskguys.com/girlsaskguys/a27648-my-first-time-attempting-suicide )



You begin writing, an escape to the mental abuse all of the bullies and your father have placed upon you. Your father and his girlfriend eventually marry, and she shuts you out completely. she only talks to you to tell you how bad of a job you're doing, or to tell you to do something. Your father does the same, yet he makes it worse. Whenever you got punished (for getting a single C on a test or report card, for putting too many dishes in the washer , for doing something he deems bad), he'd take away all of your stuff.



You couldn't read, you couldn't color, watch tv/movies or play video games or use electronics, So you begin to write. And the writing...it makes you feel alive. Yes you have your sweet baby brother but that's 1/4 members in the house you don't hate. He's only 2 years old for fucks sake! This writing though, short stories, poetry, songs, it allows you to feel free. You don't feel invisible anymore. You feel seen.


Why I Revert To Childish Behavior


Writing becomes your lifeline, the only thing holding you up from falling off the railing and to your death. The only thing that pulls you up and holds you. You've become too grown for someone so young. You've witnessed your mother be beaten by her folly of boyfriends through life, you've been neglected and bullied, you've become so reliant on yourself all you had was you. Till you discovered writing.



I've had to grow up so quickly. I've dealt with so much terrible shit in my life. Being told I was worthless, a piece of shit, that my writing is shit, I'm ugly (everyday for 9 years I was told this, from 1st grade to 9th grade, between 3-8th it was the worst). I revert back to childishness because my father deprived me of a childhood. I never got to go outside and play with friends because I never had any because I was so bullied, and he'd never let me hang out with them when I did make a friend. My father told me if I ever tried to run away (again) he'd make my life miserable, he told me if I ever lived with my mom, he'd never let me talk to my brothers again, I felt so trapped, I was in a world I wished I wasn't apart of.



I developed many issues, but none worse than my self-esteem. I felt so ugly and horrid, I hid under baggy jeans and band shirts two sizes too big. I put on tons of dark make up and I hated myself, everyday I hated getting ready in the morning because I had to look at my body and my face. I avoided mirrors. But I slowly regained a bit of confidence. To this day, my esteem has gotten 5x better than it was before. I no longer believe I am ugly, (although some of you may disagree) but many days, I feel somewhat pretty. If you can't recognize your beauty, it's gonna get pretty damn annoying for everyone else since they're trying to show it to you (It's like in shows where the object is right in front of someones face but they can't fucking see it for some reason and look everywhere BUT there. )



Why I Revert To Childish Behavior

I am not ugly, I am who I am. I have the features I have, the body I have. And I am slowly loving myself more and more for who I am.



I became a survivor of harsh harassment/bullying, neglect and physical/emotional abuse. I didn't wanna live, I didn't want to be with him or his wife, I didn't wanna be here. But I overcame it and now I live with my mother. I have a slow growing collection of stuffed animals, I have 12 adult coloring books, I revert back to child-speech randomly, I get excited over the simplest of shit. I do not act like child because I am immature, mentally/emotionally, I act like a child because I never had a childhood.



I was treated like a child constantly, yet never had the childhood to go along with it. I just wish someone would take care of me like I never was, I wish someone would protect me like my father was supposed to and never did. I am not immature, I just act it.


Why I Revert To Childish Behavior
Why I Revert To Childish Behavior
Post Opinion