My First Time Attempting Suicide



I'm going to write about the first time I attempted suicide. If it wasn't for my best friend and my own mental strength, I wouldn't be here today.

Trigger Warning: This take includes talk of mental illness, self harm and suicide. If you suffer from a mental illness or are suicidal, I suggest you see a therapist. If you need this warning, don't read my story.

When I was 12 years old, I started writing. I sat down at the computer and began writing a story of a little girl running away. The reader along with myself, didn't know what she was running away from. Once I finished, we found out she was running from a monster chasing her. Little did I realize that in three years, I'd be running from a monster of my own...a monster called depression.

When I was around 13 and 14 years old, my fathers abuse began. I was an innocent girl, I was writing and I was getting all good grades in school. My father slowly began to push me to the outside. Taking his wife's side with everything yet coming to me behind her back to tell me why, which only confused me more. He'd call me ungrateful if I was tired after school and wanted to take a nap.

Eventually it worked up to me not being able to write anymore-I lost the will to- and I couldn't even do my homework. He'd keep me so busy, chopping wood or doing something "manly" outside with him to work on my "muscles" that I eventually didn't ever have time to do homework. Once my grades started slipping, he took away everything I could use as communication, he made me do more work around the house/outside and he treated me like shit. He'd slap me every now and then and he'd call me small insults like a "little bitch" and "ungrateful asshole." I couldn't stand who he was becoming and I couldn't stand what he was turning me into. Everyday I wanted to run away. And this was in the beginning with the light shit too.

My First Time Attempting Suicide.

By the time I was 14 almost 15, the insults and slapping became worse. He'd even spank me, whether it was with his hand or his belt, and he told me "You're writing is stupid. Don't ever come to me with a story you wrote because you'll never be an author. Your dreams of travelling the world is a piece of shit." That was the moment my heart broke for the very first time, and that was when I began to realize how big of an asshole my dad was. I was beginning to hate my father.

I ended up resorting to self harm by this time. I'd light a lighter until the metal was unbearably hot and I'd touch to my inner thighs. I'd do this almost 12 times a day by that time because I was so depressed. I didn't cut/really burn myself because if anything happened (I was always optimistic) I didn't want to leave too many marks and if I did leave markings, I didn't want it to be too noticeable.

I was still living in the city at the time as a freshman. I was bullied all of my school life, I had one good friend who only became my friend in 3rd grade simply out of pity. She was my best friend though and all I had. She would walk right into my house and I hers.

My First Time Attempting Suicide

One day I had enough. I was terribly depressed but my father believed I was simply trying to get attention. No shit! That's all I wanted! Some positive attention but I wouldn't use depression as a way to get attention from my own father...that shouldn't be what I'd need to do in the first place. On that day, I was just sick of my life.

My father takes Tylenol like it's candy, so we had a large 500 bottle of them, along with Ibuprofen, Midol and Excedrin. I knew exactly what I could-and needed, so desperately needed- to do. I grabbed all of the pills I could, even the leftover sleeping pills. My heart was breaking as I replayed my fathers words...and fists...over and over again in my head. "You're a stupid twat." "I fucking hate you Jade." "If you tell anyone I've left marks on you, I'll make your life fucking miserable." Too late Dad. My life is miserable already. Because of him, he gave me abandonment issues, trust issues, anxiety, depression, and severe self esteem problems. (Now that I live with my mother she wants me to see a therapist because of the mental issues my father gave me.)

When I was home alone the following day after school, I made sure to go in my room and lie on my bed after swallowing a large mixture of all the pills I could find. I took as many as I allowed myself, which ended up being over 100 of all of the pills I could find in the house. My best friend, we'll call her R, came into my house because she knew they weren't home because their cars weren't there.

My First Time Attempting Suicide

R came upstairs and as I was laying in bed, allowing the pills to do their job, she came into my room. She saw me laying on my bed and didn't think much of it. R began talking to me about how she was gonna go down to Texas this weekend for a family thing. Almost immediately she realized what was next to my bed (something I tried to hide) 3 of the pill bottles along with one shoved between my bed and the wall.

At the time I was only 90 pounds, I never ate much besides a dinner every now and then because my father made me hate how I looked and would make fun of my weight. So it was no surprise she was able to pull me out of my bed, I was too weak at the time to try to fight against my cheerleading-softball playing best friend. R rushed me to the bathroom and she made me puke up the pills. She forced me to puke, as in she shoved her finger down my throat till I was dry-heaving after have almost literally puking my guts out.

Sobbing her eyes out, she held me when it was all out of my system and gave me a large cup of water to drink. She pet my hair and cried to me, and I explained to her why I was so depressed, to the point I wanted to die and I couldn't even tell her.

Once she googled how to take care of me and did everything she could, we sat in my room and talked about everything going on until my father came home from work after picking up my brothers from their grandparents.

That was my first suicide attempt, I've never told anybody about it before. R and I were the only people to know until now, now that I'm sharing it with you.

My First Time Attempting Suicide

R, thank you so much for saving my life. You mean the world to me, even if we don't talk anymore. I'm always going to be here for you like you were for me. I love you <3

My First Time Attempting Suicide
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  • lightbulb27
    R is an amazing friend and person. you are very fortunate to be alive.

    Here's a great quote to motivate you I heard recently: "The area of our greatest wound is likely the area of our greatest contribution". That means, that wound (father wound) once put into perspective and healed will unleash a powerful you that will change and improve others... maybe your mytake is doing that.

    Your mother is right, get therapy... not drugs... but work through the pain, emotions, and get a good perspective on it. You had a very sick father and that will totally mess up your relationships. if you want references to see how bad let me know. Women derive their sexuality it seems from the male role model, so unfortunately, as much as you hate your father, you likely are to be drawn to men like him and the cycle repeats...

    Find God. here is a great sermon on a much better father to replace that one...

    Is this still revelant?
    • I agree with that quote! I like it a lot, but I do not believe it is true for my specific situation.

      Also, she wants me to just talk to a therapist, but I may end up needing something to help my anxiety. My anxiety and depression is far better than before but it hasn't gone away. My depression doesn't hurt me as badly as before, and my anxiety is still mild but I can help myself easier now. Also, I know about that but I'm actually dating a guy opposite my father currently. I don't deal with men who treat me like shit because I used to, and I now realize how much it hurts me.

      Also, although I respect your religion, God is not the one for me. I am Pagan, and honestly, Nature and my mother are the ones that are replacing my father. Thank you very much though. <3

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • Cosytoasty
    So sad, I don't really know what else to say - it's impossible for me to comprehend. I mean I was beaten many times as a kid, but that was due to discipline rather than sheer spite. It must have been horrific for you. The part about your friend put a lump in my throat, God bless her.
    • Thank you very much for the empathy, but my father also said it was to "teach me discipline and respect". Good lot that did him, yea? It was terrible but my life is 100x better now.

    • Cosytoasty

      I'm glad you're in a better place and I apologise for making a comparison, I only got it when I actually did something really really bad, which isn't the case for you. Thanks for sharing this with us, it's certainly made me think hard about how I'm going to bring up my own kids.

    • Well that's different, and even then he shouldn't "beat" you. Abuse does not equal discipline even if it is only when you did something really bad. Don't be sorry, you tried to connect. And of course, I figured I'd share my story to bring light to it.

  • SovereignessofVamps
    Your friend sounds amazing!!! This story is so harsh... why do you think your dad only started the abusive behavior when you were 13 and not before? I'm curious about why he had Tylenol so much... but do you still live with him now?
  • orphan
    was ur father drunk or on drugs? how can you say that to anyone really... sounds so contrived just to hurt your feelings. i wonder if he actually believed it.

    glad you're still here.. stick around for awhile please.
  • LiveFreeorDieHard
    if life is about surviving and reproducing and if the mind does everything it can to survive becuase its instinct. Why does it sometimes think that scuicide is good. shouldn't your brain push you to become numb to what other people say to help cope so that you can survive. Just wondering, why sometimes the mind decides it better to end it all then keep pushing for some people out there.
    • blondfrog

      Well that actually does happen technically its just that going through something that traumatic is hard to suppress. Everyone suppresses some memories all of us humans have bad memories to some extent so we as humans suppress them. That's how therapist are able to make people cry they know how to make you repress your memories (bad).

    • Well yea, it should but that isn't always the case. My father fucked with my mind a lot. He'd say "If you left to live with your mother, you'll never talk to your brothers again." and "If you tell your mom then you're never leaving this house again" etc. I felt trapped, I felt as if I had two choices; to stay with my father and be miserable or to kill myself. I tried running away before when I was 14 I believe, (a little while before my attempt) and the cops found me. I couldn't deal with my father so I believed that suicide was the only way I'd get away from him.

  • Prof_Don
    OMG it sounds like your dad was an awful human being. Fortunately your friend knew what to do during your suicide attempt to save you!

    Your writing is so good! Glad you are still amongst the living to share your talent, Jade. :)
  • TinyHope
    Thank you for sharing Jade.
    Your dad is an absolute jerk.
    But you have an angel friend and nice writing skills.
    It's great you worked through the depression :)
  • Ginnyweasley97
    Very brave of you to share your story. 👍 Good take and glad you're still here.
  • archiz
    some people just don't deserve to have kids...
    bravo great take and stay strong bella <3
    • I agree. I don't want kids for many reasons but the main fact is I don't want them because I don't want to treat them at all the way my father treated me and my brothers.
      Thank you very much darling, I appreciate it. <3

    • archiz

      don t say that your experience might have the opposite effect and make you a great parent.
      you re not your parents, period.
      and you re always wlc :)

    • I'd like to believe that but the thought will always be with me, especially once I start having sex and if I ever get married. I know I'm not but people have two options (usually) to be like their parents, or to be completely different. Most of the time, they choose the wrong one.

    • Show All
  • blondfrog
    So sorry you had to go through that. Do you think maybe that's why you are attracted to women because your dad was a abusive towards you? I hope he rots in prison.
    • Well I'm attracted to anyone i find attractive regardless of gender. But maybe.

    • My mother thinks I seek out peoples (especially mens) approval because of my father. That's apart of why she wants me to go to a therapist

  • takumii
    Failed at committing suicide too? What a failure.

    Jk lmao
    Parents - the sooner you get away from them, the better.
    • blondfrog

      I was gonna say dude lol that would have been low even for a troll.

    • Lol yea my exact thoughts when I was writing this tbh.

      But yea I know. Parents aren't always that bad. He was, but not my mom.

  • vekin
    Very courageous to share you story here. Thank to God you have such a friend.
  • ejx629
    That was a very powerful story. I'm so glad your friend was there for you.
  • Iron_Man
    I am so sorry to hear this I would have neer known this by seeing your pic alone. Are you well now?
  • Dog19
    Oh my god, I just know your gonna win. :(
    • I don't care if I win anything or not. I just figured sharing this story would be worthwhile. Winning would be nice but it isn't necessary for me to be happy :)

    • blondfrog

      Who cares if she does its $25 lol getting upset over a stupid contest when someone pours their heart out like that is just pathetic.

  • Waffles731
    I'm glad you got help
  • Dred1614
    I hope you're doing better now.
  • TheLovelyMaddie
    I started crying. 😊
  • bcromartie
  • Anonymous
    Committing suicide is just about the most selfish thing you can do.

    You leave people behind that love you, but that's not it; if you hate your life so much, then put it to use for someone that *will* have use of it. Join an organisation as a volunteer, or go in the army. You don't want to live anyway, so you also have no reason to care about not wanting that.

    Only cowards commit suicide. It's the easy way out.

    If your life is such a mess, then go and sort it out. Everyone has problems. Literally. You aren't special.

    And yes, I have been there, and I 100% know what it's like, so you don't have to throw that argument in.