Girl's Behavior

My 14 Impulsive Behavior That Ruined A Relationship and A Guy's Interest Before Anything Even Started

Why am I writing this?

I am writing this myTake as I am trying to find someone online and through friends to have a healthy relationship, to settle down with, and to have kids at the age of 27 as all my peers and close friends are taken or married in serious relationships with kids and I feel pressured.

In this process, I have been gone out to at least 2-3 dates with 20-25 guys I met online, and I picked three of them to be the potential suitors and to get to know them rather than wasting my time and other people's time and playing games. Also, I picked three of them to not put all my eggs in one basket.

After dating one of them for 3 months, we noticed that there was no physical attraction, and no common things to talk about or share so we remained friends. In the meantime, I dated another guy, he was great, successful, and I didn't feel any physical attraction but I thought I could like him as I believe that love gradually happens. Yet, destiny got him a job in another city three hours of drive, and we had to part ways. In the meantime I was seeing this another guy, let's call him Alex in short, and it ended up being a 4.5 months "almost relationship due to me ignoring red flags and being impulsive to push him even more away instead of drawing him to me with womanly ways."

More on me, before getting to Alex:

I was always treated to be ugly, unattractive, but academically gifted, nerd, and successful, and often intimidating by my fellow guy friends at first sight. To be honest, I am not a physically attractive person even though I have a nice body, I am healthy, fit, 5'3, 116 pounds, brown long hair, brown eyes, 32B boobs, with a little bumpy ass, yet my face is pretty much filled with acne scars, and I am not necessarily a dressed up girl or fashionable stylish, so I was never the type that guys would die to date, or guys would pay attention to. Also, I was a little shy and introvert around guys. And I was always raised by male cousins telling me that I am ugly, I can only be cute like a puppy to a guy, but never a real hot woman for a guy to date. So I was always with this conscious in the back of my brain.

But I was always confident, happy, direct, honest, not playing games, having self-respect, and focusing on my career as an engineer as I was always successful in school, and never defined myself with a guy. I had always good friends I could rely on and a great family, so I never felt the need that I should have a boyfriend, until I had one and lost him due to distance. My best friends, guy or girl, always told me that I am dependable, trustworthy, always with great advice, honest, fun etc. but I need too long time to open up and trust.

I have never had a boyfriend, and not even a person asked me out until I was in my MS degree at the age of 22, and also I was virgin until 23. I so far had only one boyfriend for 3 years, never had one night stands,or friends with benefits. We broke up because of relationship being long distance in its last year and we both didn't want to sacrifice our careers. After grieving for my relationship for three years of loneliness, and single life, and discovering a lot about myself by traveling, having new hobbies, focusing on PhD degree, I decided that I am finally ready to be with someone.

Now I'm with Alex:

The first time I saw this guy, I felt immediate attraction. He was handsome, kind, but very shy, quiet, and reserved. Yet, when he talked, it was obvious he was so smart. So we ended the date within 2 hours and parted ways to see each other again later. Then I texted him to thank him for the great coffee and conversation night. We continued talking through text, but he got to sex part and talking about that too much. I knew that I should cut all the crap when he got into "sexting" even before a second date, but I was drawn to him. So I continued seeing him, had sex on third date unbelievably maybe because I was out of sex for 3 years. And during first four months, we discovered we were exactly the same person with similar interests, experiences, thing we love. We had a lot of fun, but I ignored many many many red flags Alex pointed out such as me always initiating, him not inviting me to his house, him not introducing me to his friends, him still using dating apps even next to me, him just calling once in awhile or just enough to keep me interested, him ignoring exclusivity talk, him not wanting to take STD test etc. Even though I ignored these signs, my closest three friends who know all blamed me of being VERY IMPULSIVE for Alex to ignore me, not give me importance, to use me etc.

So I compiled my mistakes that drive Alex away or that made Alex never think of getting serious with me or finding me worthwhile to pursue.

1. PURSUING HIM AGGRESSIVELY

I started pursuing him. We matched on Tinder, where on my profile it already says "no hookups", I started conversation. He was not really talkative or texting at all, so I asked him out for a first date. On top, I texted him to thank him for a good night. I didn't let him pay for me for the date. And plus, I asked him for a second date.

My 14 Impulsive Behavior That Ruined A Relationship and A Guy's Interest Before Anything Even Started

2. GIVING TOO MUCH AFFECTION TOO SOON

Yes, I was desperate. I felt lonely. I haven't felt strong connection to anyone except him, anyone I dated other than him. And he was telling me that he liked me and he sexually desired me. So I fell too hard too soon and showed too much affection too soon by letting him stay over, preparing him breakfast, always wanting to see him, changing my schedule to fit with him etc.

My 14 Impulsive Behavior That Ruined A Relationship and A Guy's Interest Before Anything Even Started

3. GIVING TOO MUCH INFORMATION TOO SOON

By the end of first month, he knew everything about me when he didn't need to know all my baggage, thoughts, feelings. Every little detail about myself I gave him basically while I didn't know much even though I was asking questions he was just not really answering and I was ignoring this as a problem.

My 14 Impulsive Behavior That Ruined A Relationship and A Guy's Interest Before Anything Even Started

4. ALWAYS BEING CURIOUS ABOUT HIS PAST LIFE, CURRENT LIFE, DAILY LIFE

Especially when he is not even interested in yours, showing too much interest too soon, and trying to get to know him in every aspect probably made me show him as a control freak.

5. AGREEING A NIGHT IN TOO SOON BECAUSE OF SHEER LONELINESS

Instead of going out to places with him, one day he asked me what I'm up to, and I said I will watch a movie. He texted me "What if I watched with you?" It was an obvious booty-call but my impulsive behavior said "Say yes to him" and I said yes. This ended up with the next point.

6. GIVING SEX TOO SOON

Yes, I had sex on third date, too soon, in my own place. I should mention that I am not a believer of "woman should hold for sex" because I know that as a person I bring a lot of things to table when I choose someone to be friends with, and I think love starts with friendship first. Also sex doesn't create interest, or liking. You cannot build a palace of love on sheer lust. I knew all those from fiction I read, and from my one and only relationship/love experience.

Coming back to early sex without anticipation and just for sheer lust, it was terrible, because I only had one partner and I totally didn't have any confidence. Even though I was excited, in the middle, it went terribly wrong because I suddenly started feeling myself horrible, having doubts about whether I do things correctly and I lost control when I was on top and popped the condom, and it was broken. It was terrible for both of us. I was so nervous in the next encounters we had as well because of my inexperience and because of the fear of him not seeing me again due to mediocre sex.

My 14 Impulsive Behavior That Ruined A Relationship and A Guy's Interest Before Anything Even Started

7. MAKING HIM PRIORITY AND EXPECTING HIM TO MAKE YOU PRIORITY TOO SOON

He was the one who always arranged things around his schedule. If I had something on Friday but if he says only Friday is available, I was cancelling to be with him, and then I was expecting him to do the same. When he was not doing, I was getting mad, and I was basically being passive aggressive trying to hurt him with my words. So I made myself too available, too flexible for him with a schedule revolving around him.

8. PUTTING ALL MY EGGS IN ONE BASKET AND MAKING IT SO OBVIOUS

He was obviously on all dating websites regularly, but I was making it obvious that I like him and I only date him, and only have sex with him. I didn't give a bit of doubt, a bit of jealousy, a bit of curiosity if he was sharing me with others.

9. NOT LETTING HIM MISS ME AND ALWAYS MAKING AND INITIATING PLANS

I was freaking out if he didn't text me for four days or to plan something. I was always inviting him over during the week, and always tell him to come see me and I miss him. Never let him stray a little and think if he misses me or not.

10. INTRODUCING HIM TO MY FRIENDS TOO SOON

I did it without him even letting me see where he lives, with whom he lives, and introducing me to his best friend. And the second time I told him that I won't change my schedule but he may join me with my friends, he said he doesn't wanna meet more of my friends because he was kind of freaked out as he implied, that it means I want to plant for future too soon.

11. ALWAYS QUESTIONING AND BEING SUSPICIOUS IF HE IS LYING

I made it too obvious that I don't trust him with my words, and I questioned every single minute of his day, or week, and I constantly asked if he is having sex with others. I said I am too concerned about STDs (which is a good thing if it were the truth because health is important but...). Even though we were protected ALWAYS, my honest real concern was not my health but not to be replaced by another woman. He knew or at least noticed that this was my insecurity and I looked like a control freak, desperate for sex, and clingy.

12. EXCESSIVELY STALKING HIM

We were not even friends on Facebook, I acted cool about that. But it drove me mad, and I was checking him everyday, his friends, his ex girlfriends, the girls he became friends with. It drove me crazy. On top, my stalker-ish behavior showed me to him and to his friends as a "Person They May Know" and he mentioned he saw my Facebook on his list. I was humiliated.

My 14 Impulsive Behavior That Ruined A Relationship and A Guy's Interest Before Anything Even Started

13. BEING COMPLACENT

If I want to go to a place let's say hike, dinner whatever, if he didn't feel like, I always agreed a night in. Or just drinks at a pub I always go. I was too complacent, lowering my standards for him, and I was always settling for what I was given by him, not what I deserved or what I thought I deserve.

14. BEING A DOORMAT

The longest I went without contacting him was 3 weeks. After three weeks, I saw his location changed to another state (his hometown) and I was so curious what he was doing there as his parents no longer live there. I texted him. He immediately replied as he always did and he even gave me details of where he is, why he is there etc. Then I told him to come over when he is free and he did. He fucked me and left or he fucked me and stayed over until he is bored. He even used Bumble and Tinder next to me, where I acted like stupid and I didn't see it. This always happened the same way. I let him walk all over me like a doormat because of my impulsive behavior telling me to do so.

My 14 Impulsive Behavior That Ruined A Relationship and A Guy's Interest Before Anything Even Started

CONCLUSION

Now after all these mistakes I made, and one more passive aggressive session, I know he won't see me at all as he texted "Maybe another time" as a last message. And I know that he won't text or see me, neither will I be texting. I disrespected, humiliated myself, and let him treat me like I am a useless desperate woman, which is true that I am desperate for love.

I am writing all these mistakes for women like me, who just focus on career, and never had enough experience by the age of 28. I believe that all these behavior are learned by attractive, easygoing women who fooled around when they were 19 unlike me just focusing on college, and not having enough confidence in terms of love life (not career). But unlike all these women with a ton of experience, and conscious, I had one awesome relationship for three years, where I got proposal but couldn't go for it. I did not have any one night stand, flirting, playing mind games, dating kind of experience. I tasted love, and I knew how great it was. I went for being single three years, and I thought I will be tasting love again as I really liked this guy before ignoring all red flags and plus me being impulsive and pushing him away.

Now I am back to my "focus on your self-improvement and your career" stage again, but with more experience. Thou, I feel really bad that I never had a chance to create a nice environment for something, some love to sprout. Yet, I am happy that at least for future if there is another chance, I will not be making these mistakes.

I do not like to keep these mistakes to myself. I just want to help my fellow clueless women in dating out there.

Thanks for reading my story, and my wall of writing.

My 14 Impulsive Behavior That Ruined A Relationship and A Guy's Interest Before Anything Even Started
Post Opinion