What happens to women who believe they are ugly?

[Anonymous]

Alright, so I'm a black woman, and being a black woman comes with a lot of ups and downs and one of the downs is dating...

All my life, I always believed that I was ugly and no man would ever love me because my hair was too nappy. Even now I don't think I'll ever find a man to love me because of my nappy 4C hair. In fact, some of the hardest things about going natural was knowing that fewer men would be attracted to me and I always worried that once I got into a long term relationship, I couldn't be natural anymore because my boyfriend probably wouldn't like it.

That's right, I believed that I had to go 50/50 at all times in a relationship, wear weave 24/7 to please a man, and get little to nothing in return because well, I'm ugly, why should I expect more?

And that's exactly what I got.

Due to the feminist movement and the general distrain society has for black women, I only went for guys who had little to no money so I wouldn't look like a gold digger and overvaluing myself.

Most of them were either homeless, high school dropouts, and when I met them they had no actual goals to fix their issues because just like me they were all depressed and hated themselves. They also all had issues with black women, one of them even telling me that they 4C hair is ugly despite them having 4C hair.

One even went as far as telling me to kill myself and made fun of me for not having a job at 18 after I ended up in the hospital after donating plasma. I mean yeah, it was pathetic how poor I was but I would never make fun of someone who was in my position at that time.

but I think what really put the icing on the cake was that one of the guys who was struggling to pay his rent, told me that he couldn't afford to go on a date with me so he just wanted to find the cheapest motel in my town to fuck me. After that, I just got rid of his number, as well as all the other guys because I knew that deep down they all didn't give a shit about me and they had no problem making it obvious.

To be honest with you, I'm lucky that I'm still alive since one of them threatened to rape or kill me.

In short, I don't settle for men like this anymore. I don't talk to guys who treat me like I'm worthless. Now the level of toxic people in my life is down to little to none and my life is now so much better without them in my life.

When you don't value yourself at all, you will bring people to your life that'll do nothing but treat you like how I outlined above.

Now, I am single.

I still do believe that I'm ugly, fat, and I'm probably never going to find a guy to love me due to all my physical flaws and my 4C hair, but at the end of the day, I'd rather be single and alone than to deal with toxic verbally abusive men.

Thanks for reading.

[Anonymous]

Okay, for context: I'm also plus size (fat) and black, I have natural hair (type 4a mostly I think though)... except I know I'm beautiful and I would say so do most people with eyes, whether or not they like fat girls. I have pretty high self-worth and confidence. I'm very picky with dating actually, about looks and character, beliefs, and as much as I hate to admit it, class as well. Compatibility is important. I also am not into black men, which makes things interesting. I have had moments of insecurity. So I get you on some level. I will admit that I have never been poor, so class privilege plays a role here as well.

The one thing you've said here that rings most true for anyone, regardless of what you look like : "When you don't value yourself at all, you will bring people to your life that'll do nothing but treat you like how I outlined above."

I'm happy you realized this for yourself, though, I'm so sorry you had to experience that trauma to get here. You should invest in loving and accepting yourself. I highly suggest you start seeing a therapist. Mental health and having someone to talk to on that level are important for everyone, especially if you're struggling with self-worth and this amount of trauma you have been in. Medicaid covers therapy, if you qualify for it. You may have to search for a therapist who takes it, but some do. And that is your answer really - SOME of these women learn that choosing to focus on surrounding themselves with positive messages/media/people makes a huge impact on their own psychology. They choose themselves, in everything, and increase their own awareness of what influences standards of beauty.

I grew up wishing I wasn't even black. I fell in love with history and learned that there are many reasons my version of beauty is not as praised and none of those reasons are "you're inherently ugly." All of them are political and social. I realized in high school that my own self-loathing was passed down from my mother, who inherited the kind of internalized racism and self-loathing that runs back generations for many people of color. Her praise for whiteness, and the world around me, affected me. Coupled with my love for history and politics, realizing this was key to my way of thinking. It was like a light switch turned on and made it that much easier to focus on loving me. Elevate your mind.

Choose to heal and build yourself up by choosing yourself over every one of these mother fuckers out here in these streets. Do you have educational goals? Nourish that, follow that career drive, move to that city you want, etc. Get involved in hobbies or community activities that interest you. Take classes. Make new friends and focus on the good ones who affirm you and bring positivity to your life. Tell yourself that you're worth everything and can do almost anything until you believe it. That's how this works. You were told you are ugly by society, if not people in your life directly. It was beaten into your mind throughout your life and now you believe it. It takes time to undo that, but the work you put in is so worth it. It's not easy - it means resisting the culture around you that feeds that negative messaging. It's not easy but it feels so much better, you'll move lighter in the world over time and your confidence will radiate around you. Start with embracing the body positivity movement, focusing on media that affirms black women's beauty (insta is a good start), and start talking to a therapist. THAT is what SOME women who believe they're ugly do. They change the source of the problem - their minds and perspectives.

[Opinion Owner]

I'm all about some makeup and fashion, but I actually never liked how I looked done up when my confidence was low. I found that I couldnt even handle being in any spotlight when I didn't love myself - I wanted to disappear and be as invisible as possible. Now you can't tell me anything, but the thing that has changed is me. I'm actually heavier than I was years ago and I would have never had the nerve to even try to be cute before. It's weird how that works. How you carry yourself and move with ease in who you are is like night and day when you accept and love yourself. That impacts who is attracted to you a lot, and you can be more present with those men instead of being in insecurity overload wondering why he even likes you. That can turn away a lot of men.

[Opinion Owner]

No amount of weight loss or makeup will help you without self-love and self-worth. I have slim, conventionally beautiful friends with silky hair and no self worth either and they end up in horrible relationships too. I have a few in mind and I have never once envied the caliber of men they attract beyond maybe looks (and a lot of times, not even that) or the quality of their relationships. Abuse, disrespect, manipulation, rape, etc. I've seen it all. The crippling insecurity too. Being conventionally beautiful honestly means a lot less than we think, when it comes to happiness, self-love, and romantic love. It's not nothing, but when you look at the lack of self-worth and the relationships many of these women are in, basically it's not much. You might have a harder time gaining tons of attention, but some people will like you. Not all attention is good. Attracting more men means nothing if they're not worth your time or simply not compatible. The beautiful part to all of this is that confidence and the way you carry yourself when you are in love with and accepting of yourself are sooo attractive. A lot of men like plus size women, and many don't. Accept it as a simple fact, and not a determination of how much you are worth, how much you will love and adore yourself, or what kind of love you can find. Not one of these dudes gets to determine your future. there are all kinds of people in love. Step outside girl. People who look all kinds of ways find love. You really have to make this show about you and what you want and showcasing yourself in your best light - that includes personality and character.

[Opinion Owner]

You don't have to set your standards to anything you don't truly want, just so you appear to not be a gold digger. You set your own rules for yourself, according to what you want and you value most. And as you acknowledged, when you learn to value yourself and focus on that, you learn that you definitely do not deserve to be mistreated or abused or raped or disrespected. Good luck to you, my dear. Wish you the best and I hope you will choose yourself, no matter what you do to "improve" your looks.

[myTake Owner]

Thank you.

Hopefully I'll build myself up soon. Right now I'm single and somewhat Happy

[Opinion Owner]

Being single is wonderful! Enjoy this time to yourself!

[Alex_988_2]

i ve a question (opinion owner), when you said you are ugly then why did you remain so picky? explain

[Opinion Owner]

@Alex_988_2

I never said I was ugly. I said I was fat. I don't think many people would say I'm ugly tbh.

I'm picky because I can be. Why not? I think everyone should be picky. Maybe not as picky as I am, but if people focused on more compatibility factors in the beginning, we would have fewer disastrous relationships. You should care who you get into a relationship with. I'm not interested in dating just anyone. If I'm not physically attracted to the person, it's just not going to happen. Likewise, I wouldn't want anyone who wasn't attracted to me to date me.

But then I also care about the other important things too - lifestyle compatibility factors I care about (are you a drug addict, party way too much for me (read: you drink a looot, might be an alcoholic), never like to travel, etc. I don't mind different hobbies, but some differences could be an issue). I care about job status and stability because I want to get married and maybe have a baby. Being broke isn't great for that, generally. Things like that do matter unfortunately.

And then I care deeply about compatibility on political views/worldviews and beliefs. Plus personality and character.

Not enough people think about who they choose as partners. It's not always easy. I had to walk away from a situation where the guy and I had way too much chemistry but no compatibility. That will have you rethinking shit you know is stupid to even consider.

[Alex_988_2]

hmm... maybe you are right

[CherryRoseChampange]

Hey hun, black woman here as well. I'm sorry you felt this way about yourself for so long and that you were treated so poorly. NEVER let anyone (including yourself) tell you you're anything but gorgeous. You hair type is beautiful, your skin, and everything you were born with is beautiful. You embracing your natural hair is just amazing as wearing wigs or whatever else.

Take time to get to know and love yourself for who you are now. It's okay not to be perfect. Embrace that, because it gives you room to grow. Which is a challenging but liberating journey. If you don't like certain things about yourself. Such as weight or where your life is currently. Work on changing them. Just know that no matter what stage you're in you're amazing for simply being you.

Become the person you'd want for yourself and I promise you. You will find someone who loves you for you. But you have to do it first or people will treat you however they see fit. When I was going through a hard time and I didn't believe myself to be beautiful. I had to remember when it's all said and done.

NO ONE will look out for me like I will for myself. No one will love me like I can love me. When I took time to work on those things I was actually prepared for when love from others came into my life because I could love them correctly. I could pour into it their life instead of just pulling out. It's easier said that done but once you achieve it, you'll feel a lot of weight lift. That's a strength and beauty that will shine from inside to the outside then to your entire life , and it's something no one can ever take away from you.

[mattthefatbat]

I'm 18 and a black guy with type 4c hair and find this relatable honestly. I believe 4c type hair makes you more relatable to some, and not all men are verbally abusive. I think you'll come across the right guy you'll love soon enough. I'm also am thankful you don't let guys treat you that badly anymore. I also have to be honest when I was younger I always had a crush on women who could take care of my hair and that had the same hair as me. and also also I always liked girls that were ok with being a little bigger because it reminds me of most of my family and some friends, and I used to be chubbier so it made me feel at home.

[myTake Owner]

I'm a little chubby :p

[mattthefatbat]

hehehe me too a little :)

[myTake Owner]

Someone named dog followed you

[mattthefatbat]

bestest comforting hug giver is what I believe chubby girls are

[myTake Owner]

Oh ;p

[mattthefatbat]

lolol I haven't seen dog yet

[mattthefatbat]

well I think dog is nice

[Aaron_Stone]

More you narrow down no of desired partners more the trashy people you get.
Instead of jumping right into relationship try finding good people.
be friends with them , grow cirlcle of your good friends.
you will definitely find someone who will love you
More you blame yourself for looks more cold you will look, more socially awkward you become.
If you try to find gems in trash you will never get one.
Be open stay happy😁

[myTake Owner]

Yeah but I always felt guilty for going after the guys I wanted because I was afaird of being seen as a gold digger by others, plus since no one else wants guys like these they're easier to get with.

[Aaron_Stone]

Are you changing millionaires or something to be called gold digger?
Aren't there average guys available?
It's can be construction worker, clerk, technician, plumber, police

[Aaron_Stone]

correction :- chasing

[thehottiein513]

Sweetie please listen to me I am also a black woman first off never let anyone Rick your opinion of yourself you look in the mirror every day and you tell yourself how beautiful you are if somebody feels like they don't like you guess what they don't have to be a part of your life you can go okay and your point and move on black women are beautiful we struggle with her hair or wait and all the other crap we have to deal with do not lower your standards to deal with nothing men black or pink blue whatever don't lower your standards because you are afraid of what they think I wish somebody would tell me I'm ugly and cut my hair and I'm fat man they would have a problem when I was done talking everyday can you get up and get dressed know I'm going to say you can better look in the mirror when you get up nobody take a shower do you and then look in the mirror and you know what I'm beautiful and keep it push you have to tell yourself 3/4 times a day grab a beer and be like you know what I'm still cute and it's only 9:30 in the morning keep your self-esteem up don't let somebody build yours you build your own before long people are going to be mad because they know she's bougie as hell because she thinks she's the s*** then you have that problem is always going to be a problem I've been told I'm Erika guess what I don't care cuz I'm the s*** haha and nobody can change that because that's my opinion of myself and anyone that will make fun of anybody for any reason is it worth being around you can walk away you can void amount you can you come out you don't have to be around negativity you are beautiful inside and out you remember that you tell yourself that everyday I tell my daughter every day now she's a little busy but guess what people make fun of her and she's not because of her complexion I'm like she's the doctor she's a daddy's color she's beautiful hair and she's going to be that way why because I didn't steal it in her everyday I'm sorry we didn't have that fortunate upbringing but you can instill it in yourself now looking in mirror when you finish reading this and tell yourself you're beautiful and you keep telling yourself you're beautiful and so yous can't stop laughing cuz you couldn't know she's right I am cute trust me is how you feel about you how you feel not how they've tried to make you feel and you have a beautiful personality you beautiful inside and out anyway beautiful people look better than when they think and beauty is not just outside it starts within remember that I'm just saying

[honestGUY45]

Holy shit, try some punctuation.

[Mishan97]

You are not ugly because of your hair or your skin color. That's such a hard thing to ingrain because society pushes down this eurocentric idea of beauty, but you just have to remember everyone has a unique type, and just like there are guys who are into indian, hispanic, white, middle eastern women etc, there are plenty of guys whose type is black women. Black women have some of the most coveted features that people get surgery for such as, thick, pouty lips, high cheekbones, big butts, etc. Focus on your beautiful features instead. As for your hair, do not think of it as nappy. 4c hair is very versatile and there are lots of beautiful protective styles you could do. Look up youtube tutorials on how to style 4c natural hair and once you learn how to style it correctly, you will fall in love with your hair. In order to find a guy who will treat you right, you need to gain confidence and stop believing you are ugly. I am sure you have many great qualities, and charisma and confidence attract more men than looks alone.

[Zzsleepy]

I had to really think about my how I am going to reply. First, please watch and be aware of the narrative you are giving yourself. Like what I saw someone else have previously said, that is a self-fulfilling prophecy. And I doubt you are ugly. As a black woman, I understand the likelihood of you being fed the narrative that because you are 4C and have some weight on you that you are ugly. I want you to look at yourself and tell yourself that you are beautiful. 4C is one of the most beautiful hair textures I have ever seen. My youngest sister is 4c and she loves it and nurtures it.

Please do some soul searching. You have already taken the initiative of staying away from these toxic men and now you must get rid of the harmful mindset that you are feeding yourself into.

As a theatre nerd, there is a song that came in mind. It is from The Color Purple. If you don't know already, Celie is a character who has been abused, had her children taken away, and was told all her life that she was ugly.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/VKtFfqinmWo

What hits home is that she ends the song with "I'm beautiful." I hope you will one day say this to yourself and believe it. ♥

[DonDino]

First of all I don't know you and I don't know how you look. But I don't care about this. I empathize with the history you are telling; all humans sometimes have this negative patterns of thinking.
You are creating your self-fullfilling profecy:

You say about yourself that you are ugly, fat, etc. And then proceed to say no one will want to date you. You are throwing negative messages to yourself. Of course then you go for people that are not in a good situation, because you have told yourself that you don't deserve people that are different. You have to look at that. You have built that frame that makes you go for those people.
Now, look at yourself, do you care about you? Do you love you? Do you want a life that makes you happy? I bet you do.
I don't buy the rubbish arguments you are using to keep yourself restrained in that shit of reality. And I hope you stop buying them.
Search for what you value in your life, and I mean what makes you happy. Work on things that you feel can be improved and try to enjoy the journey. Love yourself, this is your life, you will die some day, you choose what story you want to put mental energy in building. Find positive and constructive ways to think about your life, don't fill your ship with water (chosen negativity) or it will sink.

[MissDawn7961]

just because you think that you are ugly does not mean that males perceive you this way ! for your feelings are that of what you see in a mirror and not necessarily what males see when they look at you ! if your hair is nappy , then cut it short to make it easier on you to maintain and manage ! if you feel that you are ugly , then use a little make up to highlight your good features ! if you are over weight then wear loose fitting clothes to where your over heaviness is not seen so much ! then open up your heart and become a good , loving , kind , forgiving and compassionate woman ! this type of woman should be far better then those - snobby supermodel women - who seem to only spending their time looking in the mirror to make sure her make up is just right ! Thanks

[RaindropSweetie]

Honey, let me tell you... It doesn't get much easier being paler, thinner, with straighter hair, or non-feminist!

There's always this idea that the grass is greener. It really isn't. Close your eyes and imagine your idea of the most perfect looking woman... Guess what? Someone's caused a woman who looks like that to feel exactly the way you do! It might be hard to believe, but I have spoken to so many women around the world from so many backgrounds and walks of life. No one is immune! The only thing I have ever seen preventing these feelings is having the good fortune of being born into a family that can instill a person with a backbone full of unfaltering confidence, pride, standards, and self love.

Even men are not immune.
Famous people are not immune.

[DorkVader]

I'm black as well, fat, single, but happy with myself for the most part, and working to change the things I don't like as well. We're all works in progress and sometimes ugly and beautiful are perceived differently through different eyes. I'm no great beauty, but I look like my mom, so to me, I'm beautiful. So while you are single, enjoy who you are. Learn to love yourself better, and treat yourself good! Don't give time to people waving red flags in your face. You deserve better than that sis. Let those men waste some other fool's time.

[MackToday]

So called "diversity" did this. Being a minority and around a bunch foreign looking men with different hair than you have. Your hair is natural , you've just picked up on beauty standards of a bunch of foreign races. In Africa everyone's hair is like yours, there are people there who have never seen a non black person. You need to learn to love and respect your race. I don't mean march around with a gun yelling black power or something that didn't work out so well for us whites but in a positive way.

[Keyboardkat]

There's a principle of psychology that says that the kind of person we choose for a mate for ourselves is a reflection of how we see ourselves; in other words, what we think we deserve. A person with low self-esteem will gravitate to partners who are not exactly high-class. And the reverse is true as well. So the question is, why do you have low self-esteem?
Who told you you're ugly? And if someone did, why do you believe them and internalize it? Why should you let others determine what you think of yourself? DId your parents treat you as an "ugly duckling"? Was it some other woman who told you this? Or are guys telling you this? If it's the latter, seek out a different kind of guy! If it goes back to your parents, then you may need therapy to get rid of it. And believe me, there are a lot of guys who prefer curvy girls to thin girls! I personally think a woman should look like a woman and not like a broom handle!
Finally, believe you're beautiful and you will be!

[AppleBlueberry]

I actually like when girls don't think they themselves are attractive, it makes them more attractive.
Now look, there ARE GUYS OUT THERE WHO PREFER BLACK WOMAN AND THEY ARE NOT BLACK.

Please don't give up. There's 7 billion people on this earth. Have a more positive attitude. Just focus on having a beautiful personality and being sweet and considerate. Listen. There was this girl who I was not attracted to at all and she wasn't my type. I would never imagine getting with her. But I got to know her and she persisted on me and she eventually melted my heart. Then she became the most beautiful person in the world to me. My eyes literally changed and she 'looked like a different person.'

Personality is so important! Her sweetness and consideration for me melted me. Have some hope, girl! :) PLUS, if guys wanted to make love with you, then you gotta know that there are men that ARE attracted to you! Just be patient. :)

[AppleBlueberry]

There's a post RIGHT NOW, a little under yours called "WHY I LOVE BLACK WOMEN"

SEE? GO READ IT!

Some people like chicken, some people like fish! It's what makes the world go round. And you know, I realized something comforting a couple days ago.

There are 7 billion people in the world... If just 0.01%... I didn't say ONE percent... I said ZERO POINT ONE percent, of them are in love with you …. that's SEVEN MILLION PEOPLEL. And that's all that matters! WHY? BECAUSE, When you're in a relationship, DONT YOU ONLY WANT TO BE WITH THAT ONE PERSON? You're not in 10 relationships at once, right? I mean, the usual person who wants true love. Only wants 1 person at a time.

That's 0.01%!!! 7 million. God will find the right one for you. If God is the arranger, then you have nothing to worry about, just be patient. :)

[Serenity2014]

I can definitely relate to this. I live in probably the most racist area of Texas. All my life I have been told I’m not pretty or not good enough. And the very few times I do meet someone who seems like they’re interested in me, they don’t want anything serious. It makes me feel terrible. Like I’m not good enough to be someone’s girlfriend... I’m still struggling with that now but something that has helped me is staying focused on a hobby or passion. It makes me feel better and I feel happier knowing I can pursue something without anyone getting in my way.

[lightbulb27]

A lot of black women with hair like that get married. I cannot comment on how attractive or not you are. I've seen unattractive people get married... So there is some chance. There's also very attractive people NOT married. Go figure.

you are so right on what you wrote... your self image and beliefs guided you into the hands of similar people. You have the smarts to somehow navigate your way out of that to a better place. That alone makes you downright amazing!

You can still have an amazing life, one that you don't regret, where you live to your true self and give and make a difference. Many before you have and so can you.

[EABsTUQ]

I keep seeing post like this. The interesting thing is that the black girls that I have been most attracted to were the ones that wore their hair natural. Afros basically. I don't know what to say to women like you anymore. Wish I could make a difference for you but only you can save yourself. I'll leave some videos in place of the words I usually type.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/G-r_BmqQf2Uhttps://www.youtube.com/embed/eIdHyqB-mE0

[Lliam]

First, kudos to you for getting the toxic men out of your life. You are worth so much more than that.
Second, black is beautiful, sweetie.

Keep pursuing your dreams. May you be happy, healthy and prosperous.
I hope you find a nice guy who loves everything about you. You're obviously a good person who has so much to give. <3

[pokefan117]

I don't know man, black women may strighten their hair because they're insecure but they're still beautiful. For example I find Tasha from power attractive. I even find serena Williams attractive. That big giant booty might increase her beauty but still. 🤣

[myTake Owner]

Thanks for defending me

[pokefan117]

Be proud of yourself and how you look. White supremacy makes us all insecure at times but you mustn't listen to evil.

[sdrawkcabosmi]

That made me sad to read 😟
I wish you didn't think that you had to change yourself for someone to love you. Don't change your hair or yourself just because someone hates themselves too much to accept you for who you are. If you make positive changes in your life because you love yourself, people will notice this.
Personally, I prefer when black women go natural with their hair. It's foxy 😍

[ThatGuy133]

I think it's petty someone wouldn't date you because of your hair. But I'm glad you aren't letting that shit get you down. Definitely don't settle for the fuck bois. Those fools will use you till you resist and they'll piss off and on to the next one.

You'll find someone.

Good luck

[Vencam]

I think your story really gives a new meaning to the saying "best alone then with bad company"
Anyway, please do not kill yourself. There is something worth living for everyone, even if sometimes it's hard to find. Wouldn't it be the biggest regret ever to die without having experienced true and mutual love, after all?

[zaetmi]

No my lady don’t say that, every one in the world must hv a purpose, so u need to find out ur purpose, whtever you look like that's not important, wt u can do that's important, do something special, you will find your love. Don’t feel upset, u hv everything but you need to use it properly. Never lose hope, its never easy to find a real love, i still never find someone who can love me. I was like you... best of luck...

[roy_ricky09]

Not saying you are ugly, but remember this. And decide what's better.
"When you're ugly, and someone loves you, you know they love you for who you are. Beautiful people never know who to trust"

[myTake Owner]

Yeah

But I'm probably never going to find love

I just wish I was uh never born

[roy_ricky09]

If I was there I'd have said Shut up! For saying that. Make better choices and don't compare yourself with others.

[roy_ricky09]

Are you talkative one

[myTake Owner]

Lol yeah

[roy_ricky09]

Then that's awesome. I love talkative people. No offence if you'd like you may DM me.