I had an awful week and wanted to tell you about it to give you a idea of what studying at university during the pandemic is like.
First off, I will not explain what the situation is like in Germany right now as I find writing or talking about the spread of SARS-CoV-2 unpleasant. I will however say that it is not possible for me to attend lectures offline at the moment.
I have more to do than I usually would.
This is based on a statement three of my professors have made - they are giving us more and more difficult tasks right now as they believe that we can handle it.
I don't feel good, like, at all anymore
I am great at managing my time, but recently, I have not been feeling great at all. This is due to three things:
- I miss my family
- I am seriously deprived of human contact (other than my boyfriend and my room mate, I haven't met anyone for more than a month (I know I am so much better off than a lot of people, so I'm still grateful))
- My flat mate is uncleanly and messes up my organised, clean household as soon as she moves
- I've not been eating well
- I've tried looking after myself better but it doesn't always work
Things are too much
My mental health took a dip when my boyfriend stayed with me for an entire week recently. He had a panic attack (which is why he stayed that long in the first place) and had to recover from that while I had to care for myself, him and do all the chores (like I said, one cannot expect my flat mate to clean, like, ever).
That was simply too much. I told him. I was angry with him. I overslept the next day, didn't attend my lectures and missed out on a lot of important university related stuff.
It's hard for me to ask for help
And then I got my period and felt like I would die.
That changed our positions - all of a sudden I was the one requiring help. We were in bed, cuddling, but whenever he moved, my cramps would get worse and I wanted the bed to myself. He offered to get me a cherry stone thermal pillow - I refused, but it only got worse and when he asked me what I needed I uttered "get me that pillow and heat patches please" with my last little bit of energy.
He left me in the dark, in my bed, which was just what I needed. I was able to convince myself I had to clean while he was gone, and I did, which also made me feel better. I had taken an ibuprofen an hour before he left, it hadn't worked, but all of a sudden, my cramps were much more manageable. When he returned, I wasn't in pain anymore, I could smile again and life looked a little better.
Moving out was a f*cking huge and important step
I have to realise that the last months were so full of life, adventures, experiences, that it simply shifted my "I am no longer living my lavish life at home" depression to now. All I had felt for the first two months after moving out was "oh my god I'm finally no longer living with my family", which felt amazing, I loved life, things were good - and I always knew they were TOO good.
It is what it is
I always knew my mood would crash, it would tumble down, things would get a lot worse.
That's just how life is for me and it's honestly okay. I've come to terms with it. I'm not bipolar, but I experience emotions more strongly than other people, which is exhausting to say the least.
I appreciate that my boyfriend respects that he doesn't always know how to deal with me. It's very important to me that someone STOPS when I say no and that when I ask for hugs, I'll receive them.
I hope that this was somewhat interesting for you to read - I would appreciate you leaving some of your thoughts on this behind.
Are you a student at the moment? How is studying/going to school like for you right now?
Are your children attending school/university? What are you most afraid of when it comes to their mental health?