*Disclaimer: Not everything you read on the internet is actually true or legit. But this totally is.
I've seen many takes trying to help unsuccessful nice guys™ and bad guys™ to become good/real men™ instead. So I've decided to make something similar for women. :D Although this is for women only, I am honestly doing guys a favor by trying to transform unapproachable women into actual wife material.
Well spoken and well-mannered
A good woman does not use vulgar and inappropriate language. She does not use these words: f***, s***, b****, n****, crap, stupid, damn, vagina, eeewww, creep, asshole, jerk, douchebag, dumbass, stop, I have a boyfriend. etc.
Instead, she uses more ladylike expressions such as: love, dear, honey, handsome, sugar butt, sexy daddy, ouh la la, hhmmmmm, yes, could you please, thank you. etc.
In addition, good women always shows men that their chivalry and compliments are greatly appreciated. When a man catcalls you, a "thank you" and a smile can go a long way in showing consideration and appreciation for the valiant efforts of good men.
Well dressed
Good women do not dress inappropriately. They are aware that wearing a micro skirt and a tube top can make men feel uncomfortable in public. But they also do not overdress or pay too much attention to fashion, because confident women are aware and not ashamed of their sex appeal. So good women show a reasonable amount of skin of their most appealing body parts.
Feeling comfortable is not as important as feeling attractive. Because the more attractive you are to men, the more comfortable you will be with yourself.
Annoyingly positive and pathologically optimistic
A good woman always smiles even when she doesn't feel like it. It goes without saying that being sad, angry or worried are not an acceptable option. A good woman is optimistic, not realistic. So you should never worry about the risks/consequences of your actions or think about the "bad intentions" of men.
Being happy sends positive vibes and happiness attracts people. So the bigger your smile, the more approachable you will be.
Generosity and kindness are woman traits
A good woman is generous and donates at least 10$ a month to charity. She is also generous when it comes to sex or displaying her generous curves.
In addition, a good woman never says no and she always puts others before her own needs. She will sacrifice time, passion, dreams and ressources in order to satisfy the man of her dreams.
Do NOT eat your emotions
Good women do not try to eat their emotions with snacks. They exercise and burn their emotions away. And if they do eat comfort food they vomit it right away. How much of your fat are emotions that you were too lazy to burn?
Feminist and proud to still be considered unequal
A good woman is a radical feminist. Sure, everyone believes in equal rights but the good woman feels the need to wear the label to feel special and above others. She is very in your face about her convictions and constantly generalizes and demonizes men. This is a defense mechanism to keep all the genuinely nice and honest men away and attract only the Real/Good men who obviously lack any respect towards their silly ways.
Manipulative men are a more exciting challenge for manipulative women and they usually have bigger testicles. A man listening to or agreeing with a feminist would not be standing up for himself or his gender and therefore be a complete turnoff. So good women use feminism as a test to see which men would make the best and most resilient partners.
Talk a lot
Yes, men love women who always have something to say. It doesn't matter if you are interesting, intelligent or boring because chances are real men aren't even listening to you anyway. So just keep talking.
Interrupt or be interrupted
A good woman interrupts others while they are speaking but does not allow others to interrupt her. This is because a good woman is above others and she is aware of it. She feels self entitled to attention. She pretends listening to others but mostly listens to herself.
Being inconsiderate is also a turn on for some guys (i.e. the guys you care about). Men who like arguing will become impatient and verbally violent towards your disrespectful behavior. Take this opportunity to slap them and engage sexual intercourse.
Dishonest, tricky and hard to get
A good woman plays games. She does not make it obvious that she likes or dislikes a man. She always tries to make them paranoid and she enjoys playing with a man's heart. The more hearts you break and the more guys you reject, the more powerful and desirable you become.
Unreliable and unpredictable
A good woman procrastinates and is never on time. Arriving on time would be showing impatience and make you appear overly desperate. It is important to keep men constantly anxious, wondering and worrying about everything. It also makes them feel happier and hornier when they finally see the women arrive on the scene.
Although it is encouraged to be late, sometimes you should also arrive 1 hour in advance to "mix things up" a bit. This is to keep men confused and surprised, as your occasional punctuality will be more impressive and mysterious to them. It will also make them feel guilty for not arriving earlier themselves.
Made for home
A good woman is not afraid to get down on her knees, use her hands and get dirty! Good women have few passions, little ambition and are mostly interested in staying home and cleaning the house. She does not see the interest in pursuing a male dominated career or any carreer for that matter. Because she knows good men will provide for her needs.
One mean cooking machine
A good woman isn't afraid to spend most of her time in the kitchen. In fact cooking a good meal for her husband makes her feel empowered and in control of his diet.
Be natural and be yourself
Men dig natural girls (as well as naturists) so don't be afraid to just be yourself and follow your most basic instincs. Unless of course being yourself means you are not being a good woman. Then be a good woman instead.
Negative/Evil types of women
Finally, now that we know what a Good/Real Woman is, here is what you should avoid being at all costs:
Tomboy girls™
Tomboy girls™ are too masculine which is a turn off for real men. In addition they are fake and hypocrite and do not make good friends or good partners. Because tomboy girls™ are typically only in it for sex that's why they have so many guy friends with benefits.
Girly girls™
Girly girls™ are too cute which isn't a good way to provoke a boner. They are selfish and close minded because they only care about their boring girly stuff (e.g. makeup, fashion and chick flicks) and show no interest in masculine hobbies like sports, cars, action movies, death metal music and video games.
Hippie girls™
You know the annoying vegetarian granola kids who think chanting and dancing will save our planet? Kum bay ya, my Lord, kum bay ya, O Lord, kum bay ya. Down with capitalism, save the whales. etc. Hippie girls™ are delusional, full of themselves and arrogant. They believe in a utopia which means they are disconnected from reality. They only pretend to be selfless and kind but they are not genuine like the Good woman.
Asian girls™
Asian girls™ seem quiet, submissive and friendly on the outside but are quite mischievous in reality. They usually only want to steal white girls boyfriends so they cannot be trusted.
Cold girls™
Have you ever smiled to a girl and she didn't smile back? She is a Cold girl™. Cold girls™ are not worth anyone's time because their standards are too high. They are snobs and don't understand how to act like a real woman. The next time you see a cold girl™, give her the cold shoulder.
Cool girls™
If you ask a girl to do something and she does it, she is a Cool girl™. Cool girls™ may seem attractive on the surface but are actually quite monstrous on the inside. They are only pretending to be cool in order to please you and be your friend. That means they are ill intentioned and bad/obvious manipulators which makes them not cool at all.
Note: Not to confuse with Cool Chick Carol™ which is the epitome of a Good/Real Woman™.
Fat girls™
If a girl is overweight/chubby, she is a Fat girl™. They should be avoided because Fat girls™ are known for their gluttony, negative whiny attitude and lack of self control. They are not interested in being healthy so why should healthy guys be interested in them?
Shy girls™
Nothing is a bigger turnoff than a girl who turns red and doesn't talk a lot. Shy girls™ are only pretending to be shy because they always want to on the receptive and passive end of a conversation, and they expect men to do the talking for them. Being shy shows weakness and imperfection and nobody wants that.
Outgoing girls™
Outgoing girls™ are too intimidating and disrespectful. They don't know when to leave a man alone and they feel entitled to unwanted conversations. They are trying to be friendly but their extravertedness is quite emasculating. Let the man decide who he wants to talk to. If a real man doesn't approach you, it's because they think you're not worth their time. And that means you are not a real woman.
If you feel like you are one of the negative/evil types above, then I implore you to question your personality and ask yourself: "How can I improve as a person and become a better manipulator as well as a more attractive woman?"
To recapitulate
14 tips to increase your luck with guys:
- Be well spoken and well mannered
- Be well dressed
- Be annoyingly positive and pathologically optimistic
- Be generous and kind
- Do not eat your emotions
- Wear the feminist label proudly
- Talk a lot
- Interrupt or be interrupted
- Be dishonest/tricky and play hard to get
- Be unreliable and unpredictable
- Clean
- Cook
- Be natural and be yourself
- Don't be a negative/evil woman
Thanks for reading. I hope this helped a few women understand how to become better human beings. ;)
(If you haven't guessed already this was a satirical parody)
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