Flaky woman. She flakes on plans SHE initiates?

[Anonymous]

Been through a lot with this woman. I just don't understand what is going on.

She initiates all communication.

After her flaky ways, I stopped asking her to do things about a year ago. I leave it up to her. Through most of this year she was pretty good about following through. But still flaked occasionally.

We have grown closer over the past few months, but she has been very busy. Recently we saw each other and I could tell she had high anxiety around me.

Just before that she asked me on a date. She cancelled last minute.

She felt bad and offered to come spend a few days at my house. She cancelled last minute with the excuse "I emotionally can't do it today. We will plan it again soon."

Then last week she brought up coming over again. We planned it out and had follow ups every day up to the day she was to come over. She called me telling me she wasn't feeling well around the time she was to leave. She told me she would get through it and be on the way, but she never showed up. Later she made up this excuse she fell ill and had to go to the hospital.

I called her out on this and she assured me she wasn't lying. That she was honest and things just happened at the wrong time. I told her to call me when she figured stuff out and was on the same page as me. She told me we are on the same page, life just threw a wrench in the gears.

My guts says she is lying, maybe the anxiety thing. I just don't understand why SHE proposes these things, then flakes. It isn't like I bring them up and she agrees to not hurt my feelings.

[TheStatenIslandFairy]

Is this a girl you met online? Maybe she really wants to hang out with you, but gets too nervous and backs out. It's really easy to fake confidence over the phone and computer (just look at trolls).

That or she's just genuinely busy. I never set up a date with someone I don't actually want to hang out with, so she must like you and might be too busy or just nervous/scared.

[Asker]

We used to work together on a side job. She quit after about 6 months because it operated off her normal schedule and she couldn't justify traveling to it anymore. So this all began in person. There was a mutual chemistry between us and that led to us getting to know each other on the job, and that led to outside of work interaction well before she quit.

Maybe it is worth something, but sometimes I think the chemistry gets lost in communicating on the phone. As I lose interest due to her ways, I can see more clearly the rare times we do get together face to face the chemistry is still strong on her side. It is usually after meeting up that things become "different" for a while. She will go through a phase of contacting me more than usual, have bigger ideas (not plans, but ideas), then usually that is followed by a spell where she kind of falls off for a bit. Maybe go a week or so before calling again.

[TheStatenIslandFairy]

That sounds really emotionally draining on your part.

The real question here you should be asking yourself. Do you still feel something for her? Do you think she's worth the heartache? If no, then don't stress yourself over it. If yes, maybe try setting a date at her place, that way she can't back out because you're coming to her.

[Asker]

I do have very strong feelings for her. But I do feel her actions have sort of tarnished her in a way. I feel a persons word is very important and when that person habitually does not come through, how can I trust them on more important matters?

I have offered to come up her way. Once she was open to it, but then changed her mind. She told me it was due to her currently having to live at home with her parents while she gets on her feet. She wants to "get away" from them and whee she lives. I suppose I could try it again.

[Asker]

PS- Possibly worth mentioning. I have met her parents and they really like me. So I don't think me showing up to their house would be a big deal to them. But I know that they are the types that go to bed early and don't like people moving about the house after they go to bed. So, that could be a reason why she doesn't want to do that.

[TheStatenIslandFairy]

Wow. Maybe a break is exactly what you need until she moves out. I really wish I could have helped. If it makes you feel any better, I don't think she's doing this to hurt you. I think she's just not ready for a relationship, but just doesn't want to let you go.

Good luck, and I hope things work out for the best.

[Asker]

I believe there is at least some truth to that. She has told me that she has spent her entire adult life jumping from one relationship to another. That she knows she is codependent. During this most turbulent time she has been getting help for that, because I suggested she did so. There are things going on currently that are part of her therapy for becoming independent. It is taking up time and she asked me to be patient. I have been. Perhaps these episodes have more to do with all that? Maybe she knows these situations will bring her close to getting into something she is being told avoid until she is literally on her own? I don't know. I just assume when a woman wants something bad enough, nothing will stand in her way.

[TheStatenIslandFairy]

That's true for most women, but you say she has codependent issues she's working on?

Maybe that's the real issue. Her thrapist probably doesn't want her to be in a relationship right now, but she still finds herself running towards and has to stop herself. That could be why she sets up dates and cancels. She likes you, but knows it's better for the both of you if she works out her issues before anything serious happens.

I know it's tough to have to be so patient, but of you feel you could really like this girl, just give her a little more time.

[Asker]

You are likely right. There has been evidence of all that. There have even been times the flake happened literally after a session. I used to hear a lot about these sessions, but that has waned. One time she began expressing her feelings for me and she told me "I need to do this right. I will not half ass this. I need you to accept that. I can't make any promises. Just bare with me while I get through this."

I will give it some more time. Perhaps the circumstances are different than the usual. I guess I have to learn to take her word for things and look at the long haul, not just at the present. I just hate the feeling I am allowing good possibilities pass by. I am surely not getting any younger.

[TheStatenIslandFairy]

I completely understand. It's just as tough for you as it is for her, I'm sure she knows this.

Though sometimes the hardest things you go through end up giving the best rewards. All the support and love you give her, she's going to notice. You're absolutely right about looking at the long haul. You're going to feel so happy and it'll be unbelievably satisfying when you two can finally be together.

[Johnyoo]

She's toying with you by the sounds of it... she knows she can do it, and it's fun to her.

Stop being so available for her!

[Asker]

By available, do you mean do not answer her calls/texts? That is pretty much all I do. I will return a call occasionally. Send a reminder text maybe once a month. But otherwise it is all her.

[Asker]

PS- This fact is not lost on her. She has pointed out several times over the past 6 months or so that she dos all the contacting. That if I ever doubt her interest in me, remember she is the one that does all calling and texting.

[Johnyoo]

If she asks you out, tell her you're busy and then say 'We can go next week instead" ... You need to take the reins.

If this doesn't work, you need to be up front and ask her why she's playing around with you.

[Anonymous]

She's either really busy or is insensitive.

[Asker]

I know she is really busy. We both are. Add to the fact we live a couple hours apart makes getting together difficult. But why go through all the planning just to not follow through? If she isn't interested, all she has to do is stop initiating these plans. At least that is what I tell myself.

[Opinion Owner]

Tell her that and break it off between you and her. But keep calm when angry you don't want to regret saying stupid stuff in an angry moment.