What do you consider controlling behavior in a relationship & what do you consider to be red flags of controlling behavior that will ONLY escalate?

[SakuraBlossoms87]

Controlling behavior never descalates, anyone who tells you that it does is an idiot. It can be managed but the only way to descalate actual controlling behavior is to LEAVE that person.

And controlling behavior is insidious.

That means it starts with minor things you don't really think about as being controlling or a problem and only ever escalates.

[RangerBlue22]

The sneaky thing about controlling behavior and jealousy is people can mistake that as “oh they love me so that’s why they are so obsessed about what I’m doing”. I see women fall for this crap but to a more limited extent men can too.

A true acid test is how the other person reacts when you firmly establish a boundary. Do they own to being wrong and apologize? Or do they get pissed off, refuse to apologize or even worse gaslight?

If they do the latter it’s time to draw the line and walk away. That’s where things get toxic and even dangerous in some scenarios.

[SakuraBlossoms87]

@RangerBlue22 You are very right a LOT of women fall prey to that. I have just gotten back into the dating scene after 3 years absence - I was overseeing an entire medical facility & during COVID barely had time to myself how could I date - and a number of guys who try this tactic are alarming to be blunt.

I've had men who I haven't even gone on more than a coffee date taking the liberty to phone whenever they want without asking first. Like literally will randomly call and it's not like after regular 9 to 5 work hours it's suh as noon or 1 or 2pm.

I am very secure in myself so such controlling behavior is, of course, a blackmark against them.

Many insecure women would indeed knock it off as "they care", they "love" me, etc.

But as you said reality comes to light when you set boundaries.

One guy video called me in the middle of the fking day. And when I said I'm sorry I can't do a video call - for one I had confidential information on a board right behind me - he essentially threw a tantrum. I mean when I said sure we can talk 15 minutes later he NEVER took up the offer. It had to be on HIS terms.

[RangerBlue22]

The issue is most women still expect men to take initiative and be the “confident” (which is increasingly an ambiguous term). So men have take risks and there are tons of variables. However I agree that behavior you described above was inappropriate.

Anyway I was told years ago that I should “show confidence”. Approach the girl, smile and be very direct. Ask for her number and if she gives it to you wait a few days then CALL her (not several times a day of course) vs just texting her. Texting was considered passive communication (beta behavior).

But in 2023 how often do men and women communicate on phone calls early in the dating process? Sure it’s easier for the guy (because he is usually initiating) because he has time to think about his what he says in the text. However it’s also easier for the girl to be wishy washy and blow him off. However if she really did go on a date with him she might end up liking him.

Anyway I am totally not giving those aggressive (and controlling) guys any excuse. But what is considered confident and sexy to one girl can be controlling and overbearing (even stalkerish) to another. There is just seem to be know common baseline standard to what is appropriate yet attractive on how men should communicate nowadays.

Digital technology has screwed all this up.

[RangerBlue22]

*There is no (universal) baseline standard for what is appropriate yet attractive in dating. Decades ago these was less of a problem.

[Anonymous]

Everything is controlled, right down to what you wear.