Just for the record I know there are charming yet sociopathic abusive men (and women) out there. They know how to put on their best behavior in the early stages. Lots of people get duped from time to time.
But occasionally I hear of stories and/or read posts on here from women about obvious red flags when it comes to these guys. But they keep thinking they are going to be “the one who changes him” and they are not.
I can’t nor won’t tell women who to date vs. who they shouldn’t. If you want to chase an asshole then be my guest. Go ahead and take a head first dive into a deep dark pit. But you are accountable for the choices you makes
I get angry when women look for shoulders to cry on after they couldn’t no longer ignore the obvious. They had a chance to get out before things got really bad. But they keep ignoring the signs.
Why? Young women usually have a lot more options and dating viability to their male counterparts (when all else is equal). But will they ever overcome this self destructive lust for so called “challenge”?
I also don’t see how it could of worked out from a evolutionary prospective either. An abusive man isn’t going to be a great provider and protector.
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I think many women do recognize the red flags, but some do not and those are the ones we tend to hear about.
We all made bad decisions while dating and ignored warning signs. Women are not the only ones making bad judgments in their dating life.
I did acknowledge that men can fall into this trap. I have. But who is usually looking for a shoulder to cry one after they get screwed over?
What are the early red flags, seeing as you seem to think you know it all. 🤔
I know the type who do this to women. I’m quasi friends with a guy who admitted to me once that he has cheated on ALL his ex gfs. However he also says he has deep remorse about it and wants to change. I got some of my own problems myself but cheating was never one of them.
I actually sensed he was like that because he has a real hard edged “I don’t give a f*ck” edge to him.
Women find that very attractive too (whether they admit it or not).
So I guess i have that advantage of seeing that objectively vs a woman who is actually interested in him.
There does seem to be a pattern: The abuser is sweet and nice at first, professes his love. Often focuses his attention on shy lonely women who are not used to attention. He makes her feel that he is something she doesn't really deserve.
Then come the flashes of anger - always with an apology "I'm sorry I shouted, but you drive me crazy". The abuser is good at making the woman feel that its actually her fault each time. (many women recognize this and leave - but some won't - valuing the "relationship:" and being insecure believing it really IS their fault.
Then he starts to to isolate the victim. Tries to drive away family, friends. Gets angry, (then later of course apologizes) when she spends time with anyone else. He may try to get her to move away with him - somewhere far from her friends and family.
At some point the hitting starts. Always with the "See how crazy you made me. I just love you so much that I can't stand it when you talk to other men". There is the punishment / reward cycle - he hits her unless she does what he wants. Gives her affection when she does.
Often there is an attempt to get the victim pregnant - figuring that that will make it even more difficult for her to leave.
I've been on relationship groups a long time and this pattern repeats over and over again. Seen it at least twice here. Always hope the warnings will help the woman leave - but no way to know.
by the way, its not always male abusers. I know of one male acquaintance who was abused by his girlfriend following very much the pattern above. She' hit him in public, and people saw its as "funny" not abuse.