Girls, my female best friend is super possessive?

[Kratoszz]

Ok so I'll try and be as coherent as possible. We've known each other for around 12 years now since high-school. We weren't really friends, quite the opposite actually at first I made her cry when I first spoke to her (we laugh about it now) Fast forward to the present. We've been getting closer over the past 5-6 years and even closer within the last year.

I don't have a problem with this she is an amazing person and we always have a great time. But it's affecting my dating life. She already has a boyfriend of almost 10 years. She is as I said in the title a little possessive? She says she is ok with me getting a girlfriend and such but everytime I try and get anything started it doesn't last cause the amount of attention that she wants. It's always ended up scaring potential partners off. I can't even call anyone else a best friend or she gets all bent out of shape. She does require a lot of attention which I probably shouldn't be giving her in the first place, I'm not sure.

I know that I can't just continue this way though. I came here seeking advice on how to navigate this situation, and maybe shed some light on why she is this way? How would i go about bringing this up to her?

[HollyK21]

You need to set some healthy boundaries, and stop feeling afraid to do so. She’s acting like a territory girlfriend, and it’s just not ok for her to interfere in your romantic life to the point she’s chasing off other women when she’s in a relationship herself.


For it to be such a long relationship, I’m sure you treasure your relationship with her, don’t want to hurt her feelings and really put her on a pedestal. But when is enough enough? When to do tell yourself “she is in a relationship yet preventing me from having one”? She needs to respect you as a person, and not medal in your life how she does. You also need to put your foot done and stop letting her run things when it’s not her place. Otherwise you will keep missing out on opportunities and trying to please a woman who isn’t yours.

[HollyK21]

Sorry for the spelling errors but I hope the message relays the same lol

[Kratoszz]

I got the gyst of it lol
I hope I was clear, she doesn't interfere directly with any relationship or the starting of one. It's just the frequency in which she wants to talk or call that ends up being an issue. Even though I make sure the person I'm trying to date or am dating is priority above all. They can't quite get over the hurdle of her wanting to talk multiple times a day. I think putting people on a pedestal is too detrimental, I hope nothing I said came off that way. It's just I respect her a lot yknow? This is the only problem in the friendship. It almost feels like she doesn't actually want me to be in a relationship for whatever reason...

[HollyK21]

Even if she’s not directly interfering, she’s still impacting the relationship you’re trying to build with other women in one way or another.

I want to play devils advocate and not assume she just loves the attention you give without wanting a relationship (although this thought is prominent lol). So instead I’ll form my opinion around the idea that she’s just used to your dynamic as friends, to which I’d say you need to start implementing a change.

It’s similar to when you have male friends who are used to you being a bachelor, and expect the accommodations you made as a single person. That means being more readily available to hang out, play wingman, talk about dating other women, and whatever else transpires between single people. Change is hard, it’s an adjustment, and your friend may take a little time to accept your life as a non-single man. But it’s an inevitable change that she needs to respect, that means not prioritizing conversations with her, less phone time, talking so much during the day, like you wouldn’t be able to do that anymore.

A good friend will adhere to these changes. In fact, she should be having those expectations of her boyfriend instead, and not you.

[Kratoszz]

Ok, thank you for your time I appreciate it. I'll talk with her about this the next time we hang out.

The only part I'm confused about is the last part about expectations? What should she be expecting from him? The conversations and such?

[HollyK21]

Precisely that. All of the attention she “requires” should be coming from her boyfriend, not another man. There’s no way she should have so much of your time that it affects your dating life, and if she wants that from you because she isn’t getting it from her relationship, then it is probably an issue for him and her to address. Honestly I imagine it is a bit of a problem, I mean she’s been a girlfriend and not a wife for 10 years, if they haven’t locked it in at this point then there are surely underlying issues (unless they don’t believe in marriage or care for it, I know that’s the case for some couples as well).

What should happen between you and her is creating a much more platonic relationship to where it has little to no affect on future prospects. That means less availability on your part, and her understanding the transition which needs to take place. It will also be better overall for your woman’s peace of mind. Maybe it’s hard for you to understand, but personally having dated a guy with a super clingy female friend, it’s very uncomfortable and creates doubts/insecurities about their relationship in general. You shouldn’t want to put another woman through that on your friends behalf.

[Kratoszz]

Ok thank you for explaining, I just want to make sure I'm understanding correctly. We are going on a trip here in the next couple of days so I will talk to her about it then, and see where it takes us.

To touch on the not being a wife thing. It's a big deal for her, and for his sake I hope he does it soon. Otherwise it's gonna be a shit show.
To be clear I don't want to put anyone through anything like that. I have always made it a point to be open and prove that we are just close friends, but ultimately it never works. I know why, it makes sense I don't blame them but it does kinda suck for me.

[HollyK21]

No problem! The marriage thing is disheartening, but being completely honest with each other, I think the writing is on the wall.

As a man, how long does it take you to know if you see enough potential with a woman to make it official? A few months if not sooner, right? If the answer is yes, then let’s take it to the next step. Say you’re in a relationship with that woman right, and you love her to death and see a future with her, realistically (and between us) how long would it take you to propose? Would it be more than 5 years? I highly doubt it, because you won’t waste 10 years of time beginning your future with the woman you should already know whether or not you want to marry.

So for your friend, even if she doesn’t want to face it, I think she knows deep down he won’t commit on that level for one reason or another. It’s hard to walk away when you love someone though, and she’s already put so much into that relationship, probably has a lot of hope for change, and walking away will feel like such a loss.

In your position, have you ever had romantic feelings for her at some point over the years? Maybe now you’ve just settled into this close friendship after realizing that’s all she will offer? I ask this because your feelings towards her seems to surpass that of just respect. There has to be something that’s deeper (even if it’s not there anymore) which allowed you to miss out on other opportunities by adhering to her needs. I can respect many people, but it would take a much stronger emotion to be in your position.

If that is the case, I think this all really comes down to fairness and what you deserve. It isn’t ok for her to have it both ways, getting all of your attention but be unwilling to leave her relationship and be with you. Meanwhile she’s preventing you from creating meaningful relationships outside of the one you have with her. It’s controlling, selfish, and no longer ok.

[Kratoszz]

I would definitely know after a year into it if I was serious about wanting to marry someone. I feel so bad for her having to wait so long and for no reason essentially. Whenever she'd bring it up in the past he would shut down and not talk about it. At one point she asked me to talk to him about it, but we've never really gotten along well so that didn't work.

They've had a serious rough patch the last year or so and she's came close to leaving a few times but has never pulled the trigger. This last time a few months ago seems to be his final chance. He's changed and been more attentive and there for her etc, but still not even talk of a ring and even though all these things have changed for the better she still seems skeptical. Because to her if there is no ring then the change isn't serious. (Sorry for ranting about that, that's not even why I posted here lol)

We're also both just really weird people. We don't have many friends, and even fewer we open up to. So in a way we've both found comfort in each other in that aspect. As for romantic feelings and such. I mean obviously I'd be lying if I said there wasn't anything there. However I always try to keep it in check. If she were to be single at some point I'd love to try and pursue her, but that's not in the cards and I've accepted that. It does raise a lot of questions with how close we are though. She will tell me everything and vice versa. Her boyfriend obviously doesn't like that and for all I know part of the reason he hasn't proposed yet is because of our friendship.

When it comes to trying to date now I'm still looking for someone for something serious because I realize that it's not something I can wait around for. I know it may not seem that way from the communication between the two of us, but I promise you when I say that whenever I'm courting with someone they are my top priority above everything but family.

[HollyK21]

Nah, don’t even think to put that on yourself lol if he hasn’t proposed, it’s because she just isn’t “the one”, and is somewhat of a placeholder until that person comes along. I’m sure that’s hard to hear since she’s your friend, but I genuinely think that’s it. He does “better” to get her off his back, then slowly reverts to his old ways. It’s a repetitive cycle, and unfortunately I think the only way he’d propose is if she rides him hard enough about it, which is not the way she should want to become anyone’s wife. Especially when she has men like you in her life who I’m sure she knows would treat her better.

In regards to that, I think it’s great that you can acknowledge your feelings for her. I figured there had to be some level on emotion deeper than respect. However, I do think it gets in the way sometimes. Like even if you are prioritizing the woman you’re dating, it’s more a matter of comfort when it comes down to it. I remember in my mid 20s, being on and off with a man who had a very close/clingy female best friend. Yes he did prioritize me in some ways, but the way he’d pretty much jump when she said jump, be there at the drop of a dime for all her phone calls, hanging out with her and her family, and so on, let’s just say I understand where the women you try to date are coming from. I’m sure it’s hard for you to understand, but we see it.

All this to say, you may not need to have a conversation with her about your relationship now, because there isn’t another woman in the picture at the moment and not really something to address. Instead, once you start dating someone, show the change with your actions, because that’s really what matters more than words. Treat her as you would a normal, platonic friend, so she understands that out of respect for the new woman, you can’t be there at her every beck and call, or so readily available because she needs attention. It’s a healthy, fair boundary that needs to be set whether she likes it or not.

[Kratoszz]

Why be in a relationship for 10 years if she's not the one yknow? I am sadly in agreeance with you on being better temporarily. I wish that the circumstances were different. I'm not trying to say I could or would do better than him either. For all I know I could be worse but ig I'll never have to worry about finding that out lol

I 100% get where you are coming from. And I'm sorry that you had to deal with something like that. I'm not as bad as being available all the time. But with her anxiety the way it is I do try and be there for her, because she doesn't have many people who can calm her down. That's what I meant by attention.

I still think I'm going to have this conversation with her. But im not sure, I need to have a few talks with her I feel, and see how things play out.

[HollyK21]

Relationships take work no matter what, so even if you weren’t like the best boyfriend ever 100% of the time (which is impossible for anyone, we are flawed beings lol) I feel confident you wouldn’t be stringing her along like this. Yes 10 years is a long time, but honestly I think it’s a matter of convenience and familiarity, amongst other things. Is there love on his end? Sure, there has to be some level of it. But for a lot of people, it’s just easier to stick with what you know until the right thing comes along. Rather than going through the introductory phase with several women, he’d rather stick with your friend, where there’s no major issues, he’s getting all the perks of being in a relationship and he’s able to keep her at bay about the marriage thing.

It’s definitely sad because I’m sure you’ve tried helping her see the light at one point or another, and I think in some ways she knows he won’t marry her, yet she can’t seem to turn him loose, worsening her anxiety and any other personal issues all the while. I’m sure it’s hard to see on your end.

I’m glad you’re not as bad at being available all the time, but still, it isn’t your job to be that person to support her through these bouts of anxiety, at least not to the point where it’s scaring off other women. You may not realize how much you adhere to her, but clearly something about your dynamic makes your prospects uncomfortable and leave altogether. So if having a conversation about all this is something you think would benefit at this point in time, then there’s nothing wrong with doing so. Here’s hoping she processes things the right way!

[Kayla45]

Some girls are just like that, it's probably some biological hormone that makes her feel/act that way. Normal.

[Kratoszz]

I mean I'd understand possessiveness moreso if we were dating or something. It's just weird, I've never really experienced a friend act this way.

[Anonymous]

Does she have other male friends?

[Kratoszz]

She doesn't have many friends to begin with. She has a very small circle. She has one or two but they are a bit older and from work.

[Anonymous]

She sounds a lot more than just a friend.

[Kratoszz]

I mean nothing has ever happened between us, so I don't think that rings true at all.