Why would a girl hide she is "kinda seeing someone" and say yes to a date with me?

[Anonymous]

Asked girl out and she said yes. Two days later, she got weird and asked if I was serving that night (I'm a waiter and she works there as well). Never asked before. Said she was getting dinner that night. Didn't say with who. Found out it was a date and she was kinda seeing someone. Never gave indication. Always said she hates her friend group and social circle.

Don't get this one at all.

[_Maya_]

There is always a chance that the arrangement she has with this other guy is that they can see other people. Perhaps they are casually dating. Not my style but there are some that are alright dating multiple people at the same time. I don't really get it but it does happen. If it were me I would be upfront about it. If you aren't cool with that then be honest. Now the other possibility is that she is straight up cheating or willing to cheat on someone she is seeing.

[Asker]

It doesn't feel like there was an arrangement. She just flat out didn't want to tell me until after I asked her out and she said yes. If she wanted to say no, she had an out. I asked about her social life a lot and, like I said, didn't like her friends and even expressed an urge to move away from this state.

Its all confusing because my gut told me she 100% liked me and even co-workers were seeing something between us.

[Altheavas]

Well,
Maybe, try to shift your perspective to it a bit. You guys were not exclusively dating each other.. did y’all have a longterm plan ish?
People are allowed to date more than one person. Why should she narrow her options with only you..!


At least that’s how I think. Make it clear at what y’all looking and expected of each other at the start.

[Asker]

So why did she try and hide things then if she was so open to dating multiple people at once? She wasn't honest about her situation.

Do you think she is telling whoever she is "kinda seeing" about this guy from work she flirts with, has emotional conversations with and even said yes to a date with?

[Altheavas]

Since she doesn’t really know where she stands herself, probably not. Maybe the first guy she’s trynna avoid can take the high road.

[Asker]

I'm a bit mixed up on what you're saying. I do agree that she does seem confused and working through something. I knew about other stuff she'd talk about i. e. the fact she said she always hates her friends and even when I asked if that was a joke, she gave off the impression it really wasn't.

But what do you mean by: " Maybe the first guy she’s trynna avoid can take the high road."

[Altheavas]

The first guy is you, I addressed you as a 3rd person, I’m trying to be less direct or personal with my opinion. I don’t care less about her stands with her friends whether she likes them or not. That’s two different matter.
My opinion is strictly base and about the way she’s navigating her dating life.

[davnerLeL]

sad part is, girls like this ain't rare anymore. loyalty is a delusional concept now. same goes for guys too.

if only people could settle for each other like things shouldve been.

she's trying her luck. she's keeping her options open. quite frankly, if it were me i wouldn't be serious about a girl like that.

i dont want to be someones option anymore. id rather be their only choice.

welcome to reality man... sucks to suck i guess.

[ProbablyClueless]

The other guy isn't totally locked down yet, and she wants attention and a free meal.

It sounds bad, but it's probably not malicious. You've gotta understand that a lot of women look at men as a huge source of entertainment.

[Anonymous]

she's dating other people, because she can, because you two are not boyfriend/girlfriend. and she asked if you were working because it would be awkward for you to serve her and her date. she is being honest about dating around. it's not a big deal to her. if it is to you, then don't go on a date with her.

[Asker]

It clearly is a big deal to her if she is hiding it.

[serious_miss419]

If ur confused and annoyed by it then tread lightly or dodge the bullet. It’s okay to be nice this and that but if she’ll do this to that guy, she’ll do it to you - do you want to be in his shoes?


Or don’t over think it and focus on you. Perhaps she needs to miss her chance with you for karma sake.

[Asker]

I was in the other person's shoes before. Broke up mutually. The two are married to this day.

I'm not saying this will happen to me. I'm not a subscriber to that "if she does it him, she'll do it to you." Sometimes relationships don't work out and another person is more compatible and it doesn't matter when the more compatible person enters.

[NZGirl07]

It seems she is casually dating multiple people. I think the concerning part is her trying to hide that, it's important to be upfront with expectations and what you are doing. That's not very fair to you.

[WhitneySnow]

She likes you but she’s kinda seeing someone. She figured you’d get all weird about it if you knew. And judging from your reaction she was right.

[Asker]

Why am I "weird" for not liking being lied to as if you'd like being lied to? Seems like you're more upset at me not liking that than het actually lying.

[WhitneySnow]

No. I’m not upset with you. I’m just saying it seems natural to me why she’d do that, given her situation. I guess I was just surprised you seemed so confused. That being said, I agree with you. She should’ve told you the truth right from the beginning.

[Asker]

Do you think its possible, given there is an 8 year age gap, she assumed I didn't like her like that until I asked and I "rocked the boat" a bit?

[WhitneySnow]

That’s very possible

[Asker]

I guess this is my last question but everyone has said I was in the right to be honest. But was I right in saying that the dishonesty wasn't right to do and that I asked her out because of feelings developing? We were talking for a month and I didn't love bomb her.

[WhitneySnow]

Sure. You had a right to ask her out. And I think she does like you back. She’s just kind of seeing somebody.

[Asker]

I am sorry. I keep finding new questions to ask as they come. As you can tell this one is the most confusing girl I've met. I just 100% knew this girl liked me. How can I proceed with her? Obviously things will be awkward for a bit. I'm still hurt and she knows my feelings. I'm not going to wait around as an fyi.

[WhitneySnow]

That’s a good question. Maybe you should reach out to her, tell her how you feel.

[Asker]

I did reach out last week after it happened. Since then, its been awkward between the two of us. Obviously. Small talk is easy. Conversations are hard. She doesn't avoid me and still asks for my help on things. I still even made her laugh.

[WhitneySnow]

That’s great!

[Asker]

Is it? Everything feels restrained. I asked about school and she answered the questions. I tried to go back to our conversations and stonewalled. Her laugh felt restrained like she wanted to laugh more.

I did quit and came back. I had other stuff going on as well so it was a perfect storm of crap and thought I needed to be home more anyways. The one co-worker she is always with was oddly sympathetic to me and said "we don't really want you to quit." Her old friend from high school was also prying into why I quit even after I gave a reason.

[WhitneySnow]

It sounds like she’s resisting her impulse to like you and distancing herself from you

[Asker]

How should I break through the awkwardness? I expected it and I expect her to take some time to process things.

For some reason, I just have this instinct to stick with her. Keep my options open though.

[WhitneySnow]

Just stay friends with her and see what happens. Let her make the first move romantically.

[Asker]

How do I stay friends if its super awkward? That's not worded like I want. I just am curious on if the small talk and making her laugh a little bit each time I see her is the key.

I don't think she would have laughed if there wasn't something there. Even when she asked me for some small help. She would have avoided me completely I feel like.

[WhitneySnow]

I agree, but she might also have decided to stay with her boyfriend and be just friends with you. Stay friends with her, make her laugh, smooth over the awkward parts and see what happens.

[Asker]

Its funny you say that as she didn't even use the term "boyfriend." She did keep this from me and has routinely talked about how she hates her friends and wants to move away.

I guess its possible but she still said yes while seeing someone so there seems to be some fractures in the relationship.

[WhitneySnow]

That is true. But still, stay friends for now and let her make the first move romantically.

[Asker]

I have no choice. I don't believe in the term leading someone on as it feels very sexist (?) when used (usually by men to describe women losing interest). I'll always point out that they have lost interest in girls that they were texting and they'd always state it was different.

I don't believe this girl lead me on. It doesn't make sense as she did have an out she could deployed at any time if she felt the relationship between us was getting too heavy. She didn't use the usual out card. That's the part I keep circling back on. Also, our date was centered on a old hobby she was going to get back into for the first time in years as a gift she was going to give me for my birthday. Why even say yes?

[WhitneySnow]

I do think she still likes you. But just don’t push her before she’s ready.

[Asker]

I 100% think the same. And I won't push her. I'm sure its a bit awkward for her to know when someone likes you 100% and to know that you hurt said person.

I'll keep my options open. I am friendly by nature and I 100% don't think she is malicious, evil or made for the streets. Maybe young, stupid and confused but that's not insulting, just she is at that point in life. It would take work to forgive her for the untruthfulness but I understand people make mistakes.

I also hope that, given you're younger, you understand to establish boundaries early on with a guy. I don't think she is not interested but if you and guy are friendly but you're not interested, ensure he knows the boundaries. Two girls I am good friends with at work did that and we are able to be friends who go out. I asked one girl out for drinks and she said "we can go to this sushi place. My boyfriend works as a bartender there." Message recieved loud and clear.

[Asker]

That's not supposed to be mansplaining or anything but just understand how guy's work. Always assume we are interested in a relationship if we are heavily talking.

[Asker]

Hey, its been two weeks and I have some small updates. The awkwardness is still there but improving. We can make small talk and she asks questions. Nothing close to what we once had but its been easier to talk. However, this girl is confusing as heck. Last weekend, she said she decided to begin working all weekend because "she is bored" and this weekend, she told me spent Thanksgiving "all alone." I'm not sure what to make of all this and it seems she is going through some stuff behind the scenes. I'm just not sure what to make of this.

[WhitneySnow]

Just let her take the lead in your interactions. She probably feels more comfortable that way.

[Asker]

so why tell me these things? Under every other circumstance, I'd ask her out.

[WhitneySnow]

Because she’s conflicted. She does like you but she’s also seeing someone.

[Asker]

How do I continue to approach the situation? She could ignore me like she did but she keeps telling me those loaded statements and I never have an idea how to respond. Why do you think she says those statements? Gauge my reaction?

[WhitneySnow]

Just ignore the loaded statements. That forces her to either give up or become more explicit in the hints she’s giving you. If you’re right, she’s clearly playing games with you, and you don’t wanna get involved in that kind of drama. If you make her get more explicit, at least you’ll know for sure she really likes you.

[Asker]

Everything I said is true but from my perspective. I'm merely asking because of how confusing this girl is and see if people have thoughts. I have asked girls from class, they rejected and I moved on. I don't need her approval.

What makes the scenario confusing is the fact she is warming back up. She doesn't need to. A lot of girls don't do that when a guy states their feelings. It may have been better if she did just reject and ignored me like she was doing lol

[WhitneySnow]

I still think she just wants to be friends

[Asker]

Well. There is a problem. I don't want that.

I guess the only path is for me to cut her off sadly. If that's what she wants. I won't be able to look at her as a friend.

[Asker]

I actually don't know what I want.

[WhitneySnow]

Don’t cut her off! Be her friend. Sometimes friendships blossom into romance, especially since she already liked you liked you once before. And even if she doesn’t anymore, friendship is worth something on its own.

[416chick]

Something is more than likely missing in the relationship w whoever she is "kind of seeing." Whether it be emotional support, or attention, but something is that isn't missing w you.

[RavVid]

Arranged earlier I presume. Then she realized you might see her on a date or worse waiting her table with her date. Awkward

[Asker]

This is my theory but I'm unsure how to proceed since not only was she backed into a corner with that but so was I and I revealed why I asked her out and that keeping that hidden wasn't cool. I don't regret saying how I felt at all but now its awkward but I can still make small talk with her and make her laugh.

[RavVid]

Well you now know she is deceptive. If your objective is a long term partner than she wouldn't seem to be it. Sort of cheated on you before the first date :)

If she is more a bit of fluff to you well maybe it is survivable.

[Asker]

I know she's had her fair share of issues and based on conversations, she doesn't have a lot of people who actually talk to her.

I don't think she cheated or is malicious. I think she is just young and got backed into a corner of having me and someone else.

She had a way out if she didn't want to go on a date with me but she said yes. Its been awkward since then but she doesn't avoid me but seems like she wants to say something.

[RavVid]

She could have also said she wanted go somewhere else than where she worked for dinner.

I guess you can just see how it plays out.

[Screenwriter]

Called "hedging your bets." Guess she's trying to find out who she prefers from the choices she has.

[DextroShade]

She belongs to the streets!

[Giralashowdown134]

My friend also did that she just wanted to be sure, she wanted to pick the right guy. And we girls often want many options so that we don't pick the wrong guy but after we found the right one it's only him

[LiamJHayden]

"Kind of seeing" sounds like no commitment to be exclusive has been made.

[FreyaRed]

You're probably second choice, forget it.

[RedInnocent68]

Could be undecided. Needs to foil to decide.

[Staximus]

Run like hell

[Iron_Man]

Not loyal