Am I wrong to be worried/upset?

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend and I planned a trip to the beach as our time together—just for her and me (we did have her sister and her sisters boyfriend tag along). However, she was on her phone constantly, always texting her "friend." I don’t mind her texting people, but it was literally all the time.

At one point, we're at the pool, and she asks me to keep an eye on her phone to see if her friend, let's call him David, texts her because he's almost there. I thought, "Who is David?" When I asked, she said he was a friend going to the same college as her. I thought, "Okay, maybe he's chill, and there's nothing to worry about," because you can usually tell if a guy is after a girl. My girlfriend has a ton of guy friends, and I'm fine with most all of them.

When he shows up, he’s always by her side, acting like a puppet to a master. The way he talks and the things he says made it clear he has intentions, if you know what I mean. After dinner, he finally leaves, and I tell her that his presence made me uncomfortable and that I don’t really like him. She says she understands.

Later, we're watching a movie on her laptop, and she goes to get something. Her phone notifications pop up on the laptop, and I see she's texting him everything I told her about feeling uncomfortable. The next day, she invites him again without saying a word to me, knowing it bothered me. I only found out minutes before he arrived, and she acted like it was the most normal thing ever.

I tried to bear with it, but when we got back to where we were staying, I went to our room, expecting some time with her alone. She never joined me. When I checked the living room, she was sitting next to him on the couch, so close they were touching. I walked back to the room, feeling really frustrated. She texted me, "What's wrong?" and I responded, "Where are you at?" She replied, "Well, my friend is here, so I'm going to spend time with him." At that point, I decided not to poke the sleeping dragon.

Updates

1 y

1st Update
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So I thought after things had cooled down a bit and we all got back from the trip, I would bring it up to her. So I did. I first started by saying I had a few things I wanted to talk about and if we could talk in private. She agreed. I started by asking; "How are we doing?" She responded with; "I don't know." I asked what had been bothering her and she responded by saying she was upset that I was "moody." And to be fair, I rarely am "moody." I tend to see the best in things.

Updates

1 y

1st Update Continued
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I've been trying my best through the last few years to do so. But this time along, I let it get the best of me and overthinking took the wheel. So I responded to her saying I was "moody" because David had shown up unannounced, some guy friend I didn't know and for a moment overthinking got the best of me, so I felt down and went quiet and didn't participate in much (do note that I am prone to sun poisoning if I am exposed to direct sunlight for more than 30 minutes).

[RebelinSteel]

Why did you not have a polite but quiet chat with the guy friend, it’s simply making sure he clearly understands ground rules. There is nothing wrong with a girlfriend or even a girl friend having male friends or even non straight girl friends. There is a thing called trust in a relationship, also respect, and communication, I fall into the trap at times of having girls I have known for years as friends when I’m dating and don’t think that carrying them on my back, shoulders on way back from pub or other messing around could be classed as sexual, as it’s not, however I have had girlfriends quietly mention that some of it was a bit too much, soon sorted and we talked it through.
Ditto if she had guy friends I might talk to her or just simply make it a tad obvious that while she was his girl friend, she was 100% my girlfriend.
I’m worse as the guy friend when on of my girl friends is dating, as I’m protective lol, last year a boyfriend of one of my friends reminded me he was her boyfriend, I said fine. But mess her around and I would bury him in a hole some place. (A tad pissed atm, a few ciders)

[Asker]

Yeah, I talked to her kinda about it, but I feel like I couldn't get what I'm feeling across. she just keeps insisting that any feeling I have is just a lack of trust. so I dont know.

[RebelinSteel]

Tbh you don’t really need words, another guy should readily pick up on he’s potentially poaching and to back off.

[Asker]

reading this again later. after having a talk with her. she doesn't want me to do anything like that around her friend because she doesn't want him to be "uncomfortable." she said all I was being was untrusting. I admitted that at the time I definitely was struggling with overthinking and it's been something I've been struggling with for a while, I asked her for her support and advice for future and for current moment. but she refused. She said it's my battle to do alone, and she shouldn't have any part in it. and I agree with that but to a degree, I told her I wasn't asking her to solve all my problems, I was just asking for her to support me and maybe understand that I'm not perfect. she's been upset with me and has all together stopped calling me. she texts me, but practically 80% less than she did before the trip. while we were talking, she kept holding with an iron fist. that she has done nothing to apologize for. I never asked her to apologize. although one thing she said bothered me slightly...

[Asker]

... I had asked her: "it felt like you wanted and did to spend more time with him than me." and she replied with "You're right, I did. because you we're being moody and he knows how to make me laugh." I honestly didn't know how to respond to that so I left it at that and moved on to the next thing. although as we talked it felt like she wasn't at all acknowledging my feelings, not just over the weekend but at the moment. every time I would bring something that had bothered me up, she just shut it down immediately and said that it was me either not trusting her or responded with return fire like she was trying to fight. I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to talk. after bickering about it, I decided I wasn't going to get through to her this way at all, and I shut it down, I just said okay to everything she complained about until the topic subsided. and I haven't seen her since the trip, and she hardly texts me anymore. if she does it's on snapchat and just a photo with no text. rarely, including her face. I make no complaints to her and have just sucked it up since we last talked.

[Asker]

Oh, and I have no contact with her friend. the trip was the only time I had seen him or heard of him. also. there is another thing. her birthday is Friday. and we were going to have this whole thing and then I was going to sleep over with her. she told me the day before yesterday, that he was also staying the night. i honestly only met this guy twice, hardly know him, and I know it's not my place to say anything but come on. I honestly feel kinda betrayed. but she didn't do anything wrong persay for inviting him. it's just she knows how I feel about him and it feels like it was done out of spite.

[Asker]

I tried to update the question with the full story after the talk we had but there wasn't enough space to do so.

[Asker]

Its on reddit, in r/relationshipadvice, it has the title of Struggling with My Girlfriend's Close Friendship on Our Beach Trip, what should I do?

[meepmeeperton]

Uh, a college girl with mainly male "friends" is kind of a red flag right off the bat. But she's obviously not being respectful of how you feel at all bringing this guy around and if she's going and having alone time with him that's suspicious to say the least...

I don't want to be that guy that just tells people to break up over every little thing, but I would strongly consider it in this situation. Talking about it maturely and then doing the opposite the next day and acting like nothing is wrong is terribly gaslighty behavior that will just get worse. If you try to talk about it again I'm pretty sure the same thing will happen again.

[Asker]

Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate you taking the time to consider my situation. It's tough because I care about her, but I also can't ignore how her actions make me feel. I think you're right that it's important to address this again and see if things can change. If not, I might have to reconsider our relationship for my own well-being. It's good to hear an outside perspective, and I'll definitely keep this in mind moving forward.

[meepmeeperton]

Yeah buddy you might be a little too open minded to perspectives for your own good. You will end up taking women who treat you like shit seriously and playing their games.

[kylee2437]

A lot of people here called you insecure, but I’ll tell you from my experiences, a woman that have a lot of guy friends typically lack boundaries, are too nice and don’t realize when a guy has feelings for her. She’s focused on having friends, she doesn’t realize that quality of friends matter more than quantity. Totally up to you on what you would like to do, but you were bound for this to become a problem because she lacks boundaries

[kylee2437]

To answer your question in full, I think it’s totally up to you to decide on whether or not the amount of guy friends is overall an issue and will forever be an issue. If it’s an issue, I would recommend breaking up with her because there’s no way a woman like this can realize she does lack boundaries up to a certain extent without throwing you under the bus of being insecure, kind of like the other women in the answers did.

[Asker]

Honestly, from what I've seen and what we've been through, that makes a lot of sense. I appreciate your advice. Thank you.

[kylee2437]

@asker absolutely! And a woman that has boundaries will drop a friendship that is complicating her relationship on her own time. I did this for my boyfriend, and it was nothing against this guy friend, I told him I valued his friendship but I’m not willing to complicate things with a person I want a future with. It’s something where if someone wanted to , they would.

[Abbycado]

Wow talk about insecurities. Fuck. I’d drop you like a bad habit.

[Asker]

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I understand that different people have different views on situations like this. However, I was looking for advice and support rather than judgment. I appreciate your honesty, but I think it’s important to address concerns in a relationship rather than dismiss them. I'm trying to navigate this situation the best I can, and I'm hoping to find advice that helps me communicate better and understand what's going on.

[meepmeeperton]

Yeah he's "just a friend" and they're just "studying" alone together. She was moaning loudly because she stubbed her toe.

[Abbycado]

Yeah, keep those girls on tight leashes. We can't be trusted to make decisions. That’s why I consult a man for everything I do. 🙄

[meepmeeperton]

@Abbycado I like that you're focused on your arbitrary agency to make a decision, rather than the reasons behind why one might make that decision. Why would a girl in a committed relationship spend personal time with another guy and ditch her own boyfriend to do so? Oh, I guess because she's a free woman that can't be kept on a leash. What was she doing with him? Probably playing chess.

[Abbycado]

@meepmeeperton do you have proof to the contrary they weren’t playing chess? No, of course not. It is that fuckwit mentality that we can’t be trusted around another guy and that I can’t spend time with a guy friend and have to be on duty when the boyfriend needs me.

[meepmeeperton]

@Abbycado The opposite happened in this situation though. The Asker's girlfriend left him to be on duty for another guy. Prioritizing other men in a relationship is gonna cause problems no matter how stubborn and dismissive you are about it.

[kylee2437]

Another girl perspective that is opposite of this, it looks 100% bad when a woman is picking another guy above her boyfriend to do stuff with. I think opposite gender friends is something that needs to be discussed amongst partners and if they can’t agree with each other, the relationship is never going to work. He has a right to feel some kind of way, because he doesn’t need to accept a woman putting other men above him.

[Abbycado]

XD what a joke. That means anytime the asker wants to throw a hissy fit about her having a guy friend, he can just claim “she is prioritizing him” XD

[kylee2437]

@Abbycado she’s just going to to through relationship to relationship before she realizes the amount of guy friends she has is problematic to keeping any relationship. If he did this with friends that were women, she would be angry. And don’t say she wouldn’t be because there’s plenty of young women that get pissed off when their man likes another woman’s picture on social media. You have to pick what’s more important, and if she values these friendships more than her boyfriend’s feelings/ opinions than this simply isn’t going to work.

[Nikki1989]

Damn, you sound so insecure and a lot of work. Good luck keeping any woman.

[Asker]

Thank you for your constructive criticism.

[noohair]

That sucks. To me, she sent a clear message. You are not the top priority in her life. Is this what you want? Sorry, I would not have been as civialized as you were.

[exitseven]

Dump her ass. Do not pass Go. Do not collect 200 dollars.