Why is she digging?

[Anonymous]

Last week a girl texted me saying if she could ask something. She then proceeded to ask me about a couple girls i’ve been with.

Some things were very lowkey and even girls from out of town. But she asked about them.

Now eventually i asked why she even knew those things and why she would ask me.

But she didn’t answer me.

Now today I asked again and she didn’t answer me again and just left me on read this time.

Like why is she digging? I suspect she is into me, but why not admit it?

[HollyK21]

Is she asking about specific girls or just asking how many you’ve been with?

[Asker]

She just mentions names: like did you … with …

[Asker]

I answer honestly but when i ask why she dodges

[HollyK21]

I’m basically just trying to understand whether or not she knew their names. If she did then obviously someone has mentioned something to her, and she’s trying to keep them a secret. But clearly whatever she was told made an impression since she isn’t responding, so I would just back off from her.

[Asker]

I think it’s impossible she heard their names before.
All of a sudden she just knows, and it’s nothing crazy and not a crazy amount. Hers is higher.

What kind of impression would it have made for her to not respond when i ask why?
Things like these happen a lot with her and when I ask for her motive she shuts down.

Like you can’t be that obsessed with such things about me if you’re not into me, I guess.

But she just won’t admit

[HollyK21]

In my opinion once you say this:

“Things like these happen a lot with her and when I ask for her motive she shuts down”

The other line of questioning goes out the window. Basically this is not the only instance she’s withheld basic information from you, with seemingly no good reason behind it. If I were you, this behavior would absolutely be grounds to cut her off. If she can’t open up about the same things she wants to ask questions about then what value is there in that? She wants you to trust her, confide in her, answer all her questions, but refuses to give you that in return.

I understand that romantic feelings are involved, and that you must like her a lot. I understand that you probably wanna see where this goes and don’t wanna let go of the potential that you feel is there. But to ignore red flags like this repeatedly is only asking for trouble, and your relationship with her hasn’t even left the ground. While you’re in this stage of deciding whether or not she likes you, that means it’s soon enough into this connection to cut it off without much emotional fallout. It is so important as an adult to know when to walk away, and I believe now is that time. She has a lot of healing, growing, and maturing to do before she’s ready to date and I can see that from the outside.

[Asker]

Thank you, you speak a truth I’m maybe not willing to hear.
Maybe because I know she can be different and experience that too, but this just gets to me sometimes.
You’re right that this won’t work now. Thank you for your advice and waking me up a bit

[HollyK21]

It’s a truth that’s hard to hear when you have high hopes for someone, and I’m sure you have experienced her redeeming qualities which only makes the situation more difficult. At the same time though, we really have to look out for our future selves when it comes to dating and try sparing our future selves a lot of pain, disappointment, etc if we can.

It’s unfortunate but very evident that this girl you’re talking to has been hurt in the past and never did the proper work to heal that trauma. Now every man going forward, including you, will have to pay for another man’s sins and that just isn’t fair. So I’m glad that you agree it won’t work right now. Also no problem dude, I’m wishing you luck with all this.

[Asker]

You seem very wise thank you!
She has said she is working on it and sees it. But her behavior sometimes acts like she is ready and sometimes does weird shit drives me crazy. Too crazy.

So thank you

[slatyb]

That's strange. If she wants a date, she should just ask for one.

[Asker]

Yeah we have seen eachother but she gets weird about it