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I'm 23m my girlfriend is 21, her family lives about 30 minutes away while mine lives several hours away in another state. At least once a week, she gets invited to go out to dinner or their house and she invites me to go with her. I don't mind doing dinner or lunch every once in a while but it almost always turns into a 4+ hour event. Everyone in their family is afraid of the Dad, a lot of things happen without him knowing because they are afraid of what he will do. He has tried to use me to embarrass his own son to the point of his son crying(with some kind of pictures, he's not a pedo or anything but I don't know what they were) Instead of anyone calling the Dad out for being out of line, they just told the son to do what the dad wanted. To but it bluntly, that p*ssed me off and I found it very disturbing that he would do that to his own son and how silent and obedient the family was, not even his wife stood up for the son. I don't think he does any physical harm to anyone but there must be some kind of verbal/emotional consequence they are afraid of. My father would never do that me and if he crossed the line that far someone would have stepped in. I didn't... I'm not sure what the right thing to do was, but I don't think a boyfriends say will do anybody any good. One of her sisters has a mental disability which I know is nobodies fault, but they encourage her to sing at the top of her lungs and act wild at restaurants and dinner and then they think its cute and sometimes have her do another song. The singing is pretty bad to say the least and it really does get to my nerves to hear it but the fact that they encourage that behavior (I know I shouldn't judge on how to raise their children again, but come on there is a time and a place for that and I'm pretty sure it isn't at restaurant.)
All this added up is pretty taxing for me, afterwards I feel drained from just trying to sit through it and act like none of it bothers me. I really don't like seeing them every week because of it.
Do I tell my girlfriend all this? I know she will get offended about the part about her sister and probably ashamed about her dad.
Should I just make excuses not go? I can put up with it to a degree, but not every week.
What would you do? Or am I just being inconsiderate?
All this added up is pretty taxing for me, afterwards I feel drained from just trying to sit through it and act like none of it bothers me. I really don't like seeing them every week because of it.
Do I tell my girlfriend all this? I know she will get offended about the part about her sister and probably ashamed about her dad.
Should I just make excuses not go? I can put up with it to a degree, but not every week.
What would you do? Or am I just being inconsiderate?
Updates
+1 y
Thought I should add, it's not just those two reasons I mentioned. Similar things happen every time that always create a really awkward situation. When the Dad doesn't go it's usually not as bad. Her family is nice to me, I am respectful, but its hard.
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
0Opinion
You are NOT an ass. I am sure that your girlfriend is far more aware of her fathers behavior than you are and would understand how you feel about it. I don't think it would be a terrible idea to talk to her about it, if you have a healthy relationship she should be sympathetic toward how you feel and work something out with you. I'm sure she would think its fair if you only went every other week, it should not be an obligation to go every single week... who knows, she may be overwhelmed by the atmosphere and take comfort in talking about it with you. She may only want to go every other week also, it may bring you two closer for her to know you stand on common ground about the whole thing... talk to her about it ; be gentle. :P
She has told me a lot about his behavior, she often says things like: "I love my dad but..." I think she still wants to see him every week though. Unfortunately, I'm not very good at laying things down gently or sugar coating and she cries easily. She will tear up often if we talk about her family. She said her mom is very depressed, her other younger sister wants to move far away, and her brother is treated like crap by her dad. It's a sensitive subject, but she still likes to see them often.
Well if she wants to see him every week, it shouldn't mean you have to. Every two weeks is reasonable, that way you are still supportive and involved but also comfortable. Tell her that because you love her so much, you care about her family as well and it bothers you to watch the circumstances her father puts them in. Say you find it hard to sit back and let him treat them all that way, and you think its better you keep yourself uninvolved for the sake of your relationship with her. :)
remember that every family is different, they aren't all going to be like yours, except that people do things differently and it could be A LOT worse! but, with that said, it sounds like you're getting close to the end of your fuse and you could use a break from her family. I would probably make an excuse for one week, see how you feel, and try talking to her about it after taking a break from the situation. good luck, I hope she understands and you both find a happy medium.
Just compromise with it. Don't go every week, but at least once a month.
I can do that but how should I go about doing it. Would it be better to make up excuses, or just say I don't want to go and tell her why?
Well first off if you choose to make up an excuse, don't lie, if she finds out you lied she will probably be pretty mad. I would probably choose to tell her why, but be nice about it, not super blunt.