I'm 31, and have NEVER had a girlfriend. What are your thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I'm 31, and have NEVER had a girlfriend. I have a ripped body. I assume my face is my biggest downfall. I don't see myself as unattractive or ugly, but I believe I know what my flaws are. I've been told by women that I have a great smile, and very nice brown eyes.

I've heard most people see themselves 5% more attractive than they really are. I don't know what to, or how to think anymore. I have a lot going for me. On paper, I'm "that guy" all the women talk about wanting. I've went on dates, with a few attractive women here or there which made me believe that maybe I don't look as bad as I think. I do not have any friends my age who are girls...so I can't get their input

. I keep thinking that most girls have never gotten to know the real me. Which could be a good or bad thing I guess. In your experience with people you've known who unwillingly stay single...was it mostly due to their personality, looks, or behavior?

It doesn't make me feel good to see those dating shows where the guys are way better looking than me, and they can't find a woman for a long term relationship. Makes me think.."I'm screwed!"

Even though I'm anonymous, its embarrassing to talk about being so freaking insecure. I know doing so gets me nowhere. Guys aren't suppose to think about this stuff...much less talk about it. All I can tell you is...I can't help it. I've fought myself for many years...telling myself I look good...I have great qualities, and to be confident. But, after this much time passes without a gf...you pretty much lose hope that you'll find anyone where you both find each other attractive.

Right now..its the hell with long term relationship...I can't seem to get any ANY type of relationship where a prospect gives me enough time to get to know me! In my mind...the opposite sex has told me through ignoring, that they can find someone physically better than me. Yet, I see women marry guys all the time that look worse than me! Don't even get me started on the 40-60 year old women who ask me why I'm not married, and say how cute I am. I think they're filling me full of BS. What say you?

[Butterfly1002]

Well believe it or not we can't really tell you what is going on because we don't know you, we don't know what kind of first impression you give or what kind of second impression you give (I mean you are anon on here so I'm guessing you don't normally speak openly about this in real life), the problem probably has something to do with your actions since somewhere around date 2 since that's where they all drop off so you have a few options at this point

1) Continue not knowing and become a monk (not a great option, but hey it's here)

2) take what you learn from people's responses here change your approach/personality/whatever and play guess and check until either something works or you give up and come back to choose a different option

3) Befriend a female! Some of us are actually nice deep down and nothing gives a girl more pleasure then helping a sweet guy friend find a girl to make him happy :) or help a douche become a nicer, better person (think about how many women enter relationships wanting to change a guy and make him better) Just be sure to find someone who can be honest and blunt! Maybe even have them spy on you while your on a date...

4) Try and think of a girl who you had this issue with in the past, who, at the time, you genuinely liked, but are completely over now, and tell her that you have noticed this pattern in yourself and you would really like it if she could give you her opinion on why it is happening and why exactly she ended things after 2 dates. Be sure to explain to her that this is to better yourself and that your not trying to be creepy and win her back or anything.

5) give us significantly more details aka everything you can remember about every interaction you have had with girls who you wanted to or attempted to date ever and return to number 2 and see if anyone can spot a problem

best of luck x

[Asker]

Thank you very much! One of the girls I was very much into...told her grandma that I was the classiest, and most interesting guy she's ever met. She wanted to be FB friends intead because we were long dist. She was too sweet to tell me I was boring, or unattractive. We're so called friends, but I'll never see her in person again. I get more hurt when girls don't at least want to meet in person once...than I do if they don't want to see me a 2nd or 3rd time.

[Butterfly1002]

exactly! being turned down the 2nd or 3rd time means it is not your looks so that actually makes it harder to take... Do you really think it is because you are boring? that is a pretty easy one to fix actually cause then you could read books/newspapers or take up a hobby... I doubt you are boring... It sounds to me that at least in the case of that girl it really was just a timing issue because it was long distance (long distance can be so hard if you don't have a solid base already)

[Butterfly1002]

If you don't feel like you are getting the answer you need from this girl seek out another one... It could be that she is being honest though and you are just constantly getting the short end of the timing stick (I always feel like the perfect guys come along just as I move away... but that is probably because I'm very mobile and often move...)

[Asker]

With that girl..I can tell you she was a perfect match in everyway. We actually had family accuaintenances in common. IMO I got the 2nd date just because she like being with me. Before we met the first time...she showed signs of very high interest level. During the 2nd date, I could tell she liked me..but only as a friend. I messed some things up. I was a little uncomfortable dating her where she lived in another state. I'm not boring at all. I just never show girls the real me until later.

[Butterfly1002]

see so there is a completely different problem here I would have never thought of which is funny cause at times I can feel quite the same way (on first impression I'm a cute, little, fun-loving blond which also stereo-typically means dumb, but I speak 4 languages, I have 2 degrees from uni earned in a total of 4 years, and I come from a very smart and political background so far from dumb, but I'd rather enjoy life then try and prove that I'm not a dumb blond constantly and it comes back to

[Butterfly1002]

bite me at times) I think you need to maybe come around from another angle instead of just asking a girl out, try just being friends with a few of them. Get to know them and let them get to know you. Then even if nothing ever develops with them, you will learn how to open up and show your true self to a girl and then you have girls to help you out and be your ally :)

[Asker]

Well, that can be dangerous. If I just be all friendly...i can be considered the "nice" guy..or just a friend. I could also be called passive. Most girls my age, either in real life or online are not looking for long term friend relationships with dudes. There could be 100's of reason's I'm in my situation. I fear that even if I knew what the problem was, I couldn't change. I am who I am. Maybe I'm one of those guys who's meant to be alone. Idk.

[Asker]

I have plenty of girls interested in me..don't get me wrong. Usually, only one out of 10 am I interested in. The rest of the girls who show interest...I'm like hell no!

[Butterfly1002]

what is wrong with friends? I like friends, friends help friends out, I'm not saying be a friend with every girl you meet, but try being friends with some girls (and not the ones that show interest and are a hell no, are there any maybe's in there you could friend zone?). Your only meant to be alone if you value something over a relationship that excludes a relationship in your life (which could be the case, but) no one is meant to be miserable ever...

[Butterfly1002]

You don't need to change who you are, you just need to find a girl who clicks with you, who you can open up to, will be patient until you do, and loves you for you. What you might need to change is how you approach girls just so that you can speed up your search. Also remember slow isn't a bad thing its just a pace, its just is this the pace you want to be at? and would you rather speed up the meeting and rejecting or something else in the relationship?

[Asker]

I'd like to speed up the meetings. Rejectings are out of my control...at least for the most part. I can only do so much. A few girls who are friends would be fine...i just don't want to make a habit of it. Another girl who would have been a great friend turned cold on me fast. She went from inviting me to her house to meet friends...inviting me to go places with her twice...even invited me to go somewhere after our second date. 3 days later she acted like I never existed!

[Butterfly1002]

well wouldn't you prefer to know they rejected you sooner? and you have done some rejecting yourself (you're hell knows to be exact and I'm sure there were girls you got to know and didn't like too) interesting on the girl who was all about inviting you and then stopped... where you trying to be friends with her? was she trying to be friends with you or something more? How did you respond to the invitations? Have you ever asked her what happened or asked a mutual friend what happened?

[Asker]

lol..I'm being rejected so fast now (online) its terrible. We met online. She contacted me and wanted to meet. Met for coffee.Talked for 3 hrs. 1st real date..went to dinner, went good. The first invite I didn't go. 2nd invite, to her house with friends I went. She text me later saying her friends though I was great. 2nd date I invited her to my place to target practice. she loved guns. That's when she invited me again. I couldn't go due to a family member in the hospital.

[Asker]

Three days later I contacted her about a 3rd date. She wouldn't answer the phone, and ignored my text. She finally responded in a texts saying she was very stressed out, and said she would call me the next day. She didn't. 5 days later I text her asking what's up with the silence? She said sorry, but she's too busy to date right now. I hate it when they lie to me. Act like I'm the bad guy. I did nothing wrong. I would friend her

[Butterfly1002]

Did you ask her on a third date after she invited you out? online dating can be quite brutal and she may have thought you were just coming up with an excuse to not see her... If you did maybe just send her a message and say you know that everything is over between the two of you, but you are trying to improve yourself and would really appreciate if she could be brutely honest and say what turned her off and be sure to say you won't judge her or think anything less of her no matter her answer

[Butterfly1002]

if she is online dating, that generally means she is frustrated with the dating world too so she should be able to understand. Maybe get in the habit of sending out like a feedback form of what went wrong in dating me ;) and just accept the fact that sometimes, there just isn't chemistry and no body knows why... sometimes that just happens and you can't let things like that change you, you just have to accept it and try to find someone you do click with :)

[Asker]

She gave some bullarky story about how she no longer had time to date, when I was about to ask her out for the 3rd date. She unfriended me on FB etc.

[Butterfly1002]

Like I said online dating is brutal! I feel like this quite a common occurance in the online dating world. I mean online dating means they knew nothing about you at all and date 2 is really like the first date when it comes to the only world because the first date is really just an introduction (my mom calls it date zero) due to the climate of online dating people have a tendency to call it quits early on over the most trivial of things that are significant it's possible that you not being

[Butterfly1002]

Able to meet up was a red flag for her even though in your case it was legitamite... You can't blame yourself for that sort of thing it just happens and you shouldn't change anything do to that its her issues don't take on her baggage...

[Asker]

I agree.

I call the coffee meeting date..Date Zero.So..we had date zero, date one (dinner), meeting 3(her house with friends), then we had date 2 shooting guns. She kept inviting me to these gatherings, that I really didn't want to go to. I'd much rather spend one on one time for the first 10 dates. Oh well, she's history.

[Butterfly1002]

oops sorry I got a little lost in the date count lol (I shouldn't answer from my phone I can't read properly on it), but yea I wouldn't worry about her clearly that was a her not you thing... so I think we are getting down to you are just really unlucky with timing ha ha if that's the case just be patient someone will get there head out of the clouds to snap you up at some point ;) are there any other cases that you can think of that bother you? and want to talk through while we are on the topic?

[Asker]

Ha ha..Yeah..one more. Girl contacts me on dating site. 2 hrs away. She's very cute, and sound exactly what I'm looking for. We send 3-4 emails before she offers her number for me to text her. 3-4 days later I text her (messed up I know). Anyway..she texts a lot..asking many questions about me. Joking...flirting etc. We text 3-4 days. This was during a holiday were she was with her family, and I was with mine. I didn't want to call yet. She text me asking if I would send her another pic of me

[Asker]

since she was no longer on the dating site, she couldn't see me. I sent one. She did the same. 2 days later, I text her asking when's a good time to call. She told me. I called the next day. no answer. I left a message. 4 days pass...no text, no call back. I knew I was done, but decided to try to get her to talk out of curiosity. I text her asking if she had died. She text back apologizing saying the distance was too far etc. I told her..YOU contacted me! Yes, I have terrible luck!

[Butterfly1002]

haha no worries I love case studies talking through your stuff strangely forces me to face my stuff and work through it along side you :) doesn't mean I'm perfect at them though so don't go crazy and take my responses as fact they are all just opinions! You have the worst luck! Did she say why she went off the dating site? because this once again sounds very much like I her issue because she wanted to talk to you, put effort in to talking to you, set up a time to talk to you and then didn't

[Butterfly1002]

want to talk to you and didn't even bother to tell you. I can almost guarantee that what happened had to do with seeing her family during the holidays. Women get weird around that stuff because we get told things like "oh you'll get married soon and have loads of children" and "Well you would be married by now if you just dated guys near you why are you wasting time on someone so far away it will never work out" really any contact with people with families can be very detrimental to a

[Butterfly1002]

single woman's mental health lol we even get weird about people our age holding kids... I don't know why, but there are so many very strong emotions that get wrapped up in it, even if you don't want kids seeing a cute kid for a woman makes you feel like you have to prove why you don't want one or don't want one right now and if she has voices running through her head telling her all the reasons why having kids is bad for what she is really doing with her life eventually that voice is going to

[Butterfly1002]

start telling her she doesn't need or even want a boyfriend... so bye bye dating site and why bother with a guy who is two hours away... but that's just what I would guess is going on given the layout and timeline of things...

Once again not you, just unlucky ha ha have you tried dating not online? maybe go back to that lol... One thing I have noticed is that these girls are all really into you, but how did you really feel about them? Only the first one really seemed to be someone you felt

[Butterfly1002]

really strongly about.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Obviously your not going to feel strongly right away about everyone especially when it starts online, but maybe there is something to the fact that so far most of these women you like, but not intensely...

[Asker]

yeah the first girl was perfect. She was the one who actually asked when we could meet. She was easy. The girl 2 hrs away got off the site because her subscription was running out. I swear girls who are far away are more apt to email and text than those who are closer. I never send a 2nd email if I don't get a response for the 1st. Good idea? Online dating is too convenient. In seconds, I know 90% of what I need to know. My buddies say I need to get laid, then dating wouldn't bother me so much.

[Butterfly1002]

Yea makes sense I definitely wouldn't send a second email if you didn't get a response lol and your buddies may be right ha ha but if you don't want to just go out and get laid you could try the other option and have a month without dating at all just enjoy your life as a single wonderful human being who doesn't need anything more then himself. Any girl you meet during this month is only allowed to be a friend and that is it... Just one full month where you aren't allowed to think about dating

[Butterfly1002]

Also on different note entirely lol your lovely Ms. Perfect, have you tried reaching out to her and actually being friends? I know it was probably painful at first, but wouldn't wouldn't you rather have some of her in your life then none at all? How do you know you will never see her again? How do you know that deep down she doesn't feel the same way?

[Asker]

Many months after the fact we were talking on FB. I knew I didn't have a chance, but I wanted to get her to say it. She kept telling me if I happen to be in the area (3hrs away) to let her know and we could catch up. After about the 2nd time she said this..I said I doubt I will ever make it down there, however, if you're interested in being my "best friend" I would work to make that happen. She replied..."that's not going to happen". At least I got my answer. She lives further away now.

[Butterfly1002]

interesting did you use the quotes around the words best friends when you said it to her? cause that might have been a turn off...

[Butterfly1002]

I totally get what you mean though I have perfect guy from my passed (lives conveniently on the exact opposite side of the world from me) and I got him to kinda say it once... and I could live with that it was like all I really wanted and needed... and then he took it back... and then since then nothing... for a while I was OK, but strangely (I just moved back home and visited the town we met) and suddenly I'm not any more I want a solid answer back...

[Asker]

No quotes used. Strange thing happened yesterday. Four days ago found this girl on a dating site I don't normally frequent. She was cute,and we're a perfect match. We think similarly, and enjoy the same things. I sent a email. No reply. I was very surprised. Last night I was on another site, and saw she was a new member. Sent her an email with deja vu in the subject line. Then I wrote, You look very familiar...have we met before? To my shock, she responded. Explained she was on XYZ site...

[Asker]

and didn't like the guys on that site,so she created a profile on a new site. She really didn't show any interest...by being flirty, or asking a question about me. I'm pretty sure she didn't view my profile. I'm clueless why she would bother resonding to a goofy email, when 4 days ago, she ignored me. Women are very strange creatures. lol lol.

[Butterfly1002]

Haha yes we can be quite strange, from what I've heard men generally have one internal dialog going on where women have about 5... I don't know about the guy side but I know there are plenty of times I have been thinking on at least 5 things at once lol and when you have so much running through your mind it is easy to get messy. On the best friends thing that's weird do you think maybe she was being sarcastic? Or just didn't feel a spark with you?

[Butterfly1002]

On the latest one she didn't seem very interested and she told you that she was turned off by the guys on the last site (which may mean you should not be on that site if you think your one of them). Guys often think that if they are the one good guy in the group that women will be more attracted to them. It doesn't work that way we have already closed the vagina shop at that point the game is over. We may appreciate you not being like them and be friendlier towards you, but because you were

[Butterfly1002]

Originally mentally grouped with those guys, we aren't going to bother opening back up the shop for you... She sent you that message to be friendly. Nothing more. Generally if you hang around garbage you start to stink even if you aren't garbage yourself and at that point all you are going to attract is flies. That girl thought the guys on the site you are normally on we're garbage. So my advice is if you want to attract a girl like her, get off that site :/

[Asker]

Ha ha ha! You kill me! Vagina store..lol. She was a member of that site too! From my point of view ...women didn't not represent themselves good on that site either. I told her ,girls on XYZ site made me question the direction of the female gender. Kinda through it back at her..lol As far as best friends comment with first girl...she knew I meant a serious relationship.

[Butterfly1002]

Haha then why were you wasting your time on XYZ lol (and please let me know which one it is so I never bother joining lol)

Hmmm interesting on the best friend comment...I can't tell you what was actually going on there, but she probably did not take the best friend comment to well because you weren't respecting the fact that she (at least at that point in her life) wanted a friendship with you. For many women, if you can't be my friend, you aren't going to make a very good boyfriend...

[Butterfly1002]

Why did she move away in the first place? Has she had many boyfriends since them? Were any of them serious? What were they like?

[Asker]

She's dated around some. Moved closer to parents. She had been near relatives. She had just one serious boyfriend who went to war, and came back messed up in the head. She has issues...cuz she's got too much going for he to be 26 and single. Okcupid sucks. I put a profile on there because its free. I don't check it out often. That sucks you think this recent girl isn't interested. Guess I'll see if she emails me again. Not sure I agree about being friends before the bf.

[Asker]

Update. Recent girl did email me back. Answered my questions...even ended the email with a LOL. However, again,she did not ask any questions. I'm tired of her emailing me without questions...so I asked her out for next week! LOL

[Butterfly1002]

Well her intrest could have changed since you have now told her that you actually aren't part of that group, but it could go either way... Fingers crossed for you though.

Was the original girl dating when you where trying to be friends and how close was it to the longer boyfriend time wise?

[Asker]

The other girl had been out of the serious relationship for one yr. She's okay with being friends. She told me I would be a great catch for someone..etc etc. She told me I was the first guy she's ever met that didn't try to constantly text and call her...which she liked. Recent girl responded to my meeting request with "Um Maybe". I swear..woman are crazy! lol

[Butterfly1002]

Don't say crazy lol because then you have lost the ability to understand them and see that there is a method to their madness lol OK so the new girl, it's good that you broke out from the old dating site group but she is definitely apprehensive which like I said before is normal, in her mind you still could be part of that group, but a small part of her says that based off your comment you could not be, but that statement could have been a bluff so she is safer to stick by her no... Remember

[Butterfly1002]

Your competition is very good at telling a girl what she wants to hear in order to get her into bed. The best thing you can do is stay genuine and don't set off her bs detector and if you do by accident and she cuts you off understand what she is dealing with and the risk she is taking by accepting your offer. It is true that girls want a relationship/sex just as much as guys do, but no one wants to be lied to and guys have for years gotten these two confused and thought they have to trick a

[Butterfly1002]

Woman into bed... The problem is we don't mind the bed it is the trick that we don't like... I would also say in your case try to be a bit more open to showing her the true you. Yes you want to get to know you, but if she is online dating, she is probably getting bored of talking about herself and wants to talk about you...

On the old girl, I would say a year after a serious relationship still could have been too soon for certain girls especially when it had to do with a guy who went to war

[Asker]

I always give each new girl the benefit of the doubt. I don't put them in a box with other hoes...lol. I responded by saying: "You get the Carly Ray Jepson Award for most original, and peculiar response to a question." Bottomline...if she wanted to meet, she would have agreed...any other response is just as good as a NO.

[Butterfly1002]

And came back messed up... When a significant others' personality changes to the point that the relationship ends, it's more like dealing with the death of a significant other then an actual break-up. Knowing that their relationship had a lot of emotional stress would explain why she would not be willing to promise you anything if you visited... Or wouldn't want a relationship for a while in general...

[Butterfly1002]

Ok so no for you from the new girl... See you are doing some rejecting ;) lol

[Asker]

The past girl shouldn't have been on a paying dating site if she wasn't ready for a relationship.

[Asker]

No..no..i didn't reject new girl. I was saying because she said Umm maybe...that was just as good as a NO..She obviously doesn't want to meet at all.

[Butterfly1002]

She didn't say no, she didn't give you the answer you wanted so you are taking it as a no... So you are the one making it a no, not her. It is perfectly normal for her to be unsure as I already explained before.

On the past girl: dating and a relationship are two very different things, yes dating can lead to a relationship but it isn't gaurunteed! Often women re-enter the dating world before they are ready for a real relationship to help them get over their past, figure out what they really

[Butterfly1002]

Want, and practice dating again. It doesn't mean she wants a full fledged relationship or even friends with benefits as you where proposing...

[Asker]

Whoa whoa...I didn't propose FWB! LOL..I said I would be willing to be her best friend. You know..like when to married couples call each other their best friend? That's what I meant. Why would YOU tell a guy who asked to meet...Umm Maybe? I didn't quite understand your explanation. I think its because she's not interested..or didn't like the meeting place.

[Asker]

Edit: like when two married couples

[Butterfly1002]

I'm not saying you we're saying friends with benefits, but it's possible she interpreted that way...

I would say maybe if I was feeling uncomfortable with the situation, but not to the point to say no... She doesn't know you, she is probably uncomfortable (refer to previous messages about mental grouping), but you have made a point to separate yourself with what made her uncomfortable... But was it legit? We know, but she doesn't... She probably wants to feel it out more before giving a

[Butterfly1002]

Definite answer. Think of it this way you say yes he is a creep you could be raped, murdered, or worse find out to far in he was lying and deal with the heart ache of that. You say no, you loose the chance at a relationship with a real guy who fits what your looking for. Or you say maybe and can collect more information, most importantly how he reacts...

[Asker]

Her saying Maybe, makes her look foolish IMO. Like she's playing games.When someone asks a girl a simple direct yes or no question...and she says maybe...wow...thats weird. What am I suppose to do with a Maybe answer?

[Asker]

Well...all the exuses you made for her won't be an issue. ONE...we would be meeting in public TWO, all she had to say is ...can we talk on here some more first? I mean...saying maybe with out an explanation is aweful! Just leaves me hanging..and wondering WTF? If all I was going to say in an email is "um maybe" I wouldn't say anything at all.lol lol lol

[Butterfly1002]

Yes but that's your opinion which means that you are doing the rejecting at this point... Not her rejecting you :). It's perfectly valid, but it shouldn't be included in your mental pile of girls who accepted you and then quickly rejected you.

I would say (completely my opinion here) would be to send her a message saying something along the lines of OK no worries I can totally see how you wouldn't want to meet up with some dumb guy who you met on OK Cupid and I understand and respect that

[Butterfly1002]

(Especially after experiencing te girls on OKcupid) but I can tell your not like that and was hoping you would recognize that in me especially since we both care a lot about (shared intrest here). If you ever change your mind, want to talk with someone about (a new shared interest), or just share an OKcupid joke let me know because I would love to get to know you better :)

[Butterfly1002]

Aww thanks for the best answer :)

[Asker]

No..thank you!

[canuckfarmgirl]

Even if you think it is, it probably isn't looks as you said you can get a first date. So it has to be behavior or personality. Are you a fun person to be around? As in do people (both male and female) want to be around you? Are you affectionate or are you keeping your hands to yourself at all times? While I'm not saying you have to kiss on the first date, you should at least hug her. If a guy won't hug me, or touch me at all (respectfully of course) during a date, my interest drops. I might go on a 2nd date to see if it improves but if I still don't get a hug at that point, I'm gone. You can be doing everything right but if there is no affection, interest drops.

Overall, guys tend to care a lot more about overall looks while girls consider height and weight. Because when the lights go off, that 6 inch purple scar down the left side of his face can't be seen anymore (that might just be me though, I'm not all that picky about looks as long as he's my height/taller and a healthy weight). How are you at communicating? Can you bring the “real” you to the table within 5 minutes? If not, work on that. Some mystery is fine but you want to build a connection right away and to do that you need to be able to bring out who you are without any effort.

As for being unwillingly single, low confidence/very insecure in both genders, looks in girls and lack of ambition/effort in guys.

[Asker]

Wow..thanks. I'm not an overly talkative guy. I don't consider myself boring by no means. I'd rather focus on being a listener at first. You and I would never make it to the 3rd date..lol. I never touch a girl unless I'm kissing her on the 2nd date. Most guys touch way way too soon. I don't care to be that guy. She can touch me all she wants. I will kiss her after every date beyond the first. I don't like to show the reall me until the girl has earned it or I'm ready to share the real me.

[Asker]

I don't try to be a fake version of me...but more of a reserved version of me. Especially meeting for coffee the first time.Now..get me outdoors in my element...and you will se a totally different guy. What's sad. Other than my cousins, and older girl friends...no girl has spent enough time with me to see what I'm truly like.

[canuckfarmgirl]

Well, if you like the outdoors, why go on a coffee date at all? I had a guy take me to a hunting expo for a first date, it was awesome, best first date I've been on so far. Mind you I got a wicked sunburn LOL. But I got to see who he was and he got to see that I was interested even if I knew nothing about hunting prior to meeting him. You need to present yourself in a way that makes girls want to get to know you better. Why hide yourself at all?

[canuckfarmgirl]

Well, okay, if you kiss them on the second date, that's fine. All I was trying to point out is that affection is an important part. And yes so guys try to take it too far too soon but if you don't do anything at all, it can leave a girl wondering since quite a few of girls are used to guys trying a lot more than a kiss at the end of the first date.

[Asker]

For online dates where we've never met in person...I'd rather do a coffee (meeting) date so we can talk..learn and see if we like each other. Kinda hard to talk at a hunting expo. I figure if she finds me interesting enough after the first 1-2 dates, she'll stick around for the 3rd. Then we can have some fun. One time on a 2nd date I took a girl who loved guns...target shooting outside. Date was great. 3 days later she lied, and pretended she never knew me.

[canuckfarmgirl]

You can talk at a hunting expo, trust me, I'd met him online. But if coffee makes you more comfortable that works. Activity dates can take off some of the pressure. Are you doing the exact same approach each time you date someone or have you tried different things? It could really be something you do on those first one or 2 dates that makes a girl walk off.

[Asker]

the meeting date, or date zero, is the coffee date. I really don't feel like I need to jump through hoops to prove myself until after we've kissed once. What happened to the days where being with that person you were interested in was more important than where you went, or what you did?

[canuckfarmgirl]

Sometimes, where you went or what you did can make things more comfortable. Being with that person, yes that counts but if I'm not comfortable, that doesn't matter. It's a bit of a catch-22, it shouldn't matter, but it does. Why do you feel you need to prove yourself at all?

[Asker]

I don't feel I need to prove myself. I was making the point that a girl should not base her decision on whether she wants to see a guy after then 1st or 2nd date because they went on a simple date. To me..if the date itself becomes more important than the person...you're with the wrong person.

[canuckfarmgirl]

I see your point. You did say you were a different person outside doing outdoors things. How reserved are you on your first dates? And what makes you a different person outdoors?

[Asker]

More of my personality comes through naturally if I'm doing a hobby or activity outdoors. Indoors where we're sitting across from each other I"m more reserved ...I think everyone watches themselves more closely early on. All about comfort. My biggest issue is getting somone to email me back, or meet in person. It's like pulling teeth!

[canuckfarmgirl]

Comfort is important, so maybe you can move the coffee date to a park bench? Then you're not sitting across from each other. I usually just end up sitting on a truck tailgate. Online communication is hit and miss, but if they don't seem keen, move on.

[udolipixie]

What are your thoughts?

I think that possibly you're overestimating that you have the qualities all the gals talk about wanting since it seems you only perceive yourself as solely having physical flaws. I also think you're likely not "so freaking insecure" as you seem to think.

In your experience with people you've known who unwillingly stay single...was it mostly due to their personality, looks, or behavior?

In my experience it depends on the gender:

- for gals who unwillingly stayed single it was their looks since it seems guys are solely/mainly concerned about the outer qualities

- for guys who unwilling stayed single it was their personality and behavior since it seems gals are more concerned about the inner qualities

What say you?

I say perhaps it's not your due to your looks that you've been ignored since guys of various looks get into relationships. As well as it's highly doubtful that the opposite sex has been ignoring you and more likely that the type of gals you desire have been ignoring you in which case possibly it's time to reevaluate what you have to offer and what you want.

[Asker]

Interesting points of view. I'm the guy who's classy, funny, respectful, honest, smart, affectionate, and displays self control. I assumed these traits are attractive to women. I'm interested in being a giver in the relationship and marriage. Without expecting anything in return. I want to protect her with my life...Love her with all my heart, be a great husband,& dad who raises children who will shine bright in this dark world we find ourselves in. Thought that guy was what women want.

[udolipixie]

Egh nowhere did I state, suggest, imply, or mention those qualities aren't want gals want. So I'm unsure why you're commenting on what you thought was the guy gals wanted.

I stated that you're possibly overestimating that you have these qualities or that you have them to the extent you believe you do. Sort of like how often guys claim how nice they are when they either they aren't nice or they aren't as nice as they think they are.

[udolipixie]

Have any of the gals you desired stated you're classy, funny, respectful, honest, smart, affectionate, and display self control or that you'd be a great husband and dad? If not then it's quite possible you like it seems most guy are overestimating what qualities you have.

[Asker]

At 31, I'm well aware of WHO I am, and what qualities I possess. You'll just have to trust me.Yes, women have mentioned those traits, minus the affection. I normally only get 2 dates with girls I'm interested in, so affection doesn't become a trait I get to express. Everytime I meet someone who wants to see me beyond 2 dates...I happen to be less than interested myself.

[udolipixie]

You stated "women have mentioned those traits" by women do you mean the women you desired and dated? If not other random gals words are likely meaningless and could be fluff to soothe your ego.

Perhaps to the gals who are rejecting you past 2 dates you don't have or don't seem to have the qualities you think you do.

[Anonymous]

You could have no game, no flirtation skills or something like that.

You could stink of desperation. Your mention of insecurity indicates that somewhat.

"the opposite sex has told me through ignoring, that they can find someone physically better than me"

But girls always ignore guys. They wait for the guys to approach them. Are you actually doing that?

[Asker]

What I meant was all through school...if a girl was interested in a guy. The word would get out. Either by her friends or other means. That never happened to me. Interested girls...show interest in different ways. If the guy isn't picking up on the signs...she may not approach him, but she sure won't ignore him. Yeah, I may sound desperate, but I don't not show it in person, or otherwise.

[Opinion Owner]

So you don't approach girls.

Problem identified anyway.

[Asker]

I do approach them. Both in person and online.

[Opinion Owner]

Then what do you think the problem is? No social skills? Poor flirtation skills?

[Asker]

My head tells me I has to be something physical since very few cute online girls show much interest. Do you believe that overall, the caliber of people who show's interest most often is a clue as to how attractive you really are? For example..if "5's" show more interest than girls who are 8's...that probably means you're around a 5? Its very rare to see a couple that don't look close to equal in the looks department.

[Asker]

edit..." tells me IT has to be...

[whattothink]

Seems like you are doing something to scare people off. And if you are desperate people smell that and run.

[Asker]

I know looking desperate is bad. Even though I'm starting to feel it on the inside, I don't dare show it on the outside.

[Anonymous]

Go to an escort already

[Asker]

I'll die old, stoned, and alone before I do that.

[Opinion Owner]

I know a guy who lost his virginity at age 27 to an escort and he doesn't regret it

[Sdibi2016]

Hey Pal, I"m in the same boat your in only difference is I'm a little younger, I'm 28. Don't do the escort thing, I did it out of desperation and it leaves you feeling horrible knowing you had to pay for it and just your call but I say don't do it.

[Asker]

@sdibi2016. Thanks. If i"m going to have sex...I want to be in love with the person. If I'm going to sweat my butt off...to please her during sex...she will have to love me...and I'm never paying! LOL. Yeah..I can imagine you would feel bad later. I don't want to weara condom either...so a escort is a no go for me.

[Cromartie]

It's behavioral.