At 29 years old, I have never had a girlfriend. Thoughts on this?

[kaysay]

The reason is low self-esteem. But why? I have analyzed everything, and I know where everything stems from, and how it propagated, similar to a domino effect. I clearly see that all my feelings link back to my early days. When I was growing up, in school kids used to make me feel like I was less than them, insulting my appearances, just having something negative to say. Even teachers made me feel crappy by saying things in front of the class, that made me feel marginal, they made me feel inferior to them. School brought me a mix of bad experiences including sexual assault by a staff member once. In junior high school, girls started calling me names, that got stuck to my mind. In high school I received less, but my self-esteem was so shambled that even when a girl liked me, I would put an invisible wall around me, and ignored her. In that instance my mind would tell me that I shouldn't be happy, and therefore, not accept a girl who likes me, even if I like her. Basically, an overwhelming emotion would manifest over me, and would not let me open up to a girl, even though I wanted to initially. This was like a defense mechanism on autopilot, with good intentions to keep me safe from hurt, but instead it hurt me more by keeping me alone. My mind just repeated/repeats these processes like a program every time I came/come across a girl I liked/like or a girl that liked/likes me, that I 'am just a garbage bag to a woman, and therefore, I just felt/feel that it was/is pointless to approach and express myself or to except one. Although, I had every now and then in the past make small courageous attempts at talking to a girl or asking one out, but not enough; In my life I had probably asked out only six girls. Another thing, whenever a girl looks at me in a negative way or if I perceive it to be, it just gets me really bad, because it just reinforces the negative feelings.

Updates

+1 y

It's just pathetic that I was/I' am like this. Maybe at 17, 18 or 19 years old it was cute, but now, it is just awkward at this age I think. I believe it raises red flags to the opposite sex if I told one that I have been single all my life. I 'am going to also confess something extra, that couple of years ago, I did see some prostitutes, I had lost my grip, I never wanted it to have gone in that direction; It has added an extra bolder on my shoulder.

Updates

+1 y

Also, I do get suicidal tendencies on and off, and has been going on for the past six years or so. I have never been happy much in my life, and yes I get it, I need to be happy to make a girl happy. Over the years my personality has changed slightly, probably from depression. I recently got health insurance so I 'am looking forward to seeing a mental health professional. I just feel that I missed on so much opportunities to enjoy my youth, all those moments that I could have shared, lost.

[MrOracle]

Are you looking for a solution, or just someone to commiserate with you? If the latter, well, there are plenty of people who have been through similar things as a kid/teen (myself included). I got over it when I finally got so angry that I stopped caring what ANYONE thought of me (parents, teachers, church, peers, etc.) and ended up fighting back against my bullies. Win or lose didn't matter (I generally won), because simply the fact that you're willing to stand up for yourself and fight back is what makes the difference.

Nothing is going to change for you until you decide you've had enough, and that you're going to "release" all of the anger and disappointment and animosity you feel, and that you're going to stop caring about what others think of you. When you no longer CARE if people see you make a mistake or say something stupid or whatever, THAT is when you can move forward. If you choose to continue to dwell on this, then you'll be marching in place forever.

It's only too late to change when you're dead, but the sooner you change, the happier you'll probably be.

I didn't realize at the time that the reason I got bullied as a kid was MY fault - not because of anything I did, but because of what I DIDN'T do: I didn't stand up for myself and DEMAND respect, and defend myself, with violence if necessary, when I wasn't given that basic level of human respect. By failing to do that, it really WAS my fault. Yes, I had reasons for not standing up for myself (the way my parents taught me things, well-meaning but horribly incorrect), but at the end of the day, it was ME who failed to stand up for myself.

You are no different. You are the root cause of your problems, but also the source of the solution. No one else is going to come along and fix this for you, so if you don't start taking a big role in a solution, then no solution will ever come to you.

[kaysay]

I agree, I should have had more resilience and less cowardice.

[Anonymous]

So you know where the problems are, but you haven't addressed them yet to overcome them... and you're wondering what your problem is? To me, that doesn't make a lot of sense. This is the 3rd question within an hour that I've answered by basically saying "if you are aware of your weaknesses and insecurities, why aren't you addressing them?"

It seems like it's a pretty clear theme that people allow their insecurities to rule them. They run and hide from their insecurities because of that fear and because they can't stand the bit of discomfort at the first attempt to change things. So while these insecurities cause you frustration and sadness, they're also familiar to you. So if you're like most other people (chance is you are), you revert to feeling this way since it's how you've been for the last 15 or so years. It is your version of normal.

But instead of addressing these things in YOURSELF first to build a solid foundation for other areas of your life... you skip straight to trying to ask girls out. Again, why? YOU have issues with YOURSELF. So why are you trying to add a girlfriend/fling/whatever on top of an already shaky (or non-existent) foundation?

Embrace your pain and insecurity, because they are the big flags telling you WHAT is wrong and WHERE it is. Golf would be a lot harder without flags telling you where the hole is. It's the same concept here- how fortunate it is for you to have these flags pointing out the problem areas to yourself. That's half the battle, and it's already done for you. So why aren't you carrying on with fixing the problem areas?

These areas cause you pain and discomfort, but they're also going to be the reason you improve yourself (assuming you actually do). Your pain is going to be part of your prize one day, your product. Don't hide from it, embrace it.

[kaysay]

At this time in my life I' am currently in school, majoring in electrical engineering, my grades are great, so I 'am happy about that. I guess that is one way of building my foundation and confidence.

[Opinion Owner]

Yeah, that's good. However I'd still be concerned there. What if you fail or don't get the grades you were pushing for? What if you don't land the job you were planning on getting?

The key to all of this SELF-confidence and SELF-esteem are highlighted in all caps lol... the SELF. The more you rely on external things (even things you are participating in, like school), the more dependency you're creating and the more you're risking feeling low on yourself through no power of your own.

What do people do that aren't in school for electrical engineering with great grades that they're happy about? How do they dig themselves out? THAT is why relying on yourself for as much of your own attitude as you can is what makes you capable in any situation that comes your way. Rather than saying "School has made me confident, but I'm afraid of surfing because I've never done it".

It's the difference between dependence vs. independence

[kaysay]

Thank you, I agree, I will embrace, and work from within, and make small progressive moves to improve myself.

[prettygirl13]

Well you know sometimes things happen for a reason is all I can say. I hope that one day you can be able to forget what happened to you when you were younger and improve your self esteem and one day you will be able to make a girl really happy and she makes you happy.

[kaysay]

Thank you

[prettygirl13]

Welcome :]

[taintedbayle]

I'm 25 and I never been with anyone before. Not sure what the reason is tho xD
And I'm kinda scared of growing old all alone TT^TT

[kaysay]

Do you go out? just give a casual smile at any guy you find interesting and they will probably approach you. Or you can compliment an article of clothing they are wearing, and they will respond most likely.

[taintedbayle]

Not that much but I really haven't found anyone that catches my attention. And I'm shy on top of that.

[kaysay]

I hope you push yourself, and turn things around.

[ThisDudeHere]

I don't have any advice but I sincerely hope that tings turn out for the best for you, dude. I'm in a similar situation, albeit a decade younger, but I think I can imagine how you feel.

All the best to you.

[kaysay]

Thanks for the comment, I hope that you make strides in improving, and not wait to long to realize.

[Dansexuall]

Dude, buy a book called The Game by niel strauss and read more into the PUA community, your problems with women will be overcome so easily you will laugh about it.

[kaysay]

Thanks, I will Google it.

[tl656]

You shouldn't feel bad at all. You're a wonderful person. You could get a lot of girls if you tried. You da bomb.

[KHaskins]

I've seen these cases before. Hell, I WAS one. This kind of feedback isn't going to help.

[kaysay]

Thank you

[kaysay]

Thank you man.

[tl656]

You're welcome.

[Anonymous]

I guess I'm in a similar situation, just not as old yet, I'm only 21. How old were you when you started seeing prostitutes? Anyway I don't really have any advice, sorry.

[kaysay]

Sorry, I did not respond to your question on time. I think I did not make it clear in my question, I had stared it at 24 years old, and in a span of years after i had seen a few, However, later I had to force myself to stop, because I did not want to become addicted to it. Prostitution, strip clubs, and exotic massage parlors are not good, because they can become addicting really quick, especially for someone who is deprived of affection or love. It is like a drug, think for example, someone who tries crack or heroin for the first time. Before they take their first hit, they understand it is wrong, but they still do it, because they lose sight when they are under such influence, that influence can be an array of factors, few of which can include pain or any sort of displeasure in their life. Try to stay away from all of it, I think staying away from porn is also a good idea, until you have a girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

I also have never had a girlfriend, but I'm 36 :(((((

[kaysay]

Sorry, I hope you over turn things for yourself, and find someone you love.

[Opinion Owner]

Thank you

[Anonymous]

i know of a guy who did not get his very first girlfriend until age 32

[Anonymous]

All girls would think that would be creepy and a turn off. I'm just being honest.

[Anonymous]

this seems to be an epidemic, look up Frank Kermit

[kaysay]

I will look up. Thank you

[Opinion Owner]

Ya he says he knows of guys in their 40's and some even 50's who are still virgins

[Opinion Owner]

here is a YouTube interview of him:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HnOd3vtq0to

[Opinion Owner]

and another one:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPDCSb0hvRI