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The Regrets of a Dude Who Shouldn't Have Any Regrets

The Regrets of a Dude Who Shouldn't Have Any Regrets


I know, I know, my life's pretty sweet and I shouldn't really be whining retrespectively. Just let me have this one moment of melodrama - I'll be back to calling sloots ugly and giving shit advice momentarily.

I regret not spending more time with my Grandfather. My Granddad was one of those guys who you just couldn't imagine a way to improve. My faint memories of working on his hoopty El Camino and drinking this weird brand of coffee (I was a kid, drinking coffee felt rebellious) he used to buy are honestly some of the most treasured memories I have. Frank Olsen was the man who made me believe all my waffle about how humans are essentially evil spiteful hateful creations was bullshit - he was an honestly, truly good man. As the years went by and I got wrapped up in my own life and friends and hobbies, trips to Granddad's got more and more rare. Then one the phone rang and just like that, this wonderful man was gone. I still remember the last time I saw him - I took a road trip in my recently-bought car to go visit (he lives out of state, part of the reason I saw him so rarely). I remember him telling me I wasted my money on that 'Slope Box' and should have bought a Chevy instead. Ignoring the casual racism I told him I'd smoke his El Camino next time I saw him and we laughed and he gave me a beer. I'll spend my life wishing I had that race - a chance to have one final few moments of that safe, comfortable feeling I always got around him. That few more seconds. Some time to say what I never did - 'Granddad, you're the greatest man I ever met; a better man than I could ever hope to be - and I'll miss you more than you could ever know. Hope you're up there smoking a doob with Bob Marley - I'll be down here trying to be the guy you made me believe it was possible to be'.

I regret all of the mean, spiteful things I did in the name of 'getting even', or 'revenge'. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that hate breeds hate. My ex cheated, so I casually sent her parents our sex tape and sneak-attacked the dude she fucked. Did I feel better? Well, marginally after I beat the shit out of the guy, but no. Not in any meaningful way. All I did was create more hard feelings, more negative energy. I honestly think I'd feel better about it now if I just let it go. I'm not a man who finds letting shit go easy - especially when I let my guard down and let someone in, and they betray me. But I wish I had. It's easy to talk about how Alpha you are, shitting on anyone who does you wrong, but what does that really make you? It just makes you a pettier version of the cunt who pissed you off to begin with. It's a destructive impulse - an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

I regret that I constantly play by double standards. It's like I could never choose what kind of man I wanted to be. One day, I send some random GAG girl $800 to move out of her dad's home so he can't beat her anymore, the next I make a bitch cry for my own amusement. It's weird. I have the capacity to be such a good person, but I routinely ruin any good karma I've collected by acting like a cunt on the regular.

I regret how I let my entire personality form. I'm a fake person. I stick on an expensive suit and hop in my Lexus and pretend to be some higher being who's better than all the other jeans/t-shirt Civic drivers. Everything is a distraction from the fact I fundamentally don't understand myself. I study and work every hour I can, take drugs, drink, fuck, drive like a dick - all just to not think about the fact that, despite my narcissism and arrogance, I don't particularly like myself. I'm terrified of being real, because that lets people close. My buddy commented that I'd ruined my chances of getting a girlfriend in college by being a shameless slut for a year - the point being, that was an entirely deliberate move. I have massive trust issues that I don't know how to fix and I spend every day wishing I could rewind back to when I was 15 and thought I was going to marry the cute girl I just met. Back to when I was a bit less fucked up.

I regret letting YouTube ruin my friendship group. Making car videos for a job probably sounds cool as fuck to people who don't do it. Let me tell you, YouTube is divisive and causes so much beef it's unreal. Last year one of the guys who featured on the main channel left to make his own channel - and the fans split. Seriously, there are thousands of comments wars by fans of the two channels. The guy who runs the original channel got accused of keeping the money for himself (he doesn't, he uses it to pay the mortgage on the huge house he bought for his co-stars) and ripping everyone off; people have showed up to our meets and talked shit and tried to start beef. It's just a hateful comunity. I feature on both channels pretty regularly but my heart's not in it anymore. It's became about helping my friends make a living, rather than what it was when we were kids, which was some guys slamming their Miatas and drifting in parking lots and generally having fun.

So yeah. There's my chainsmoking-and-Radiohead-melodrama splattered out onto the page for you to read, ignore or judge me on. Image unrelated, not me, but still cool.

The Regrets of a Dude Who Shouldn't Have Any Regrets
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