This is the first time I'm confessing these things to anybody, and the first time writing one of these. technically I'm confessing to nobody. Due to anonymity I can still discuss with others of what I've shared. Sorry if this gets boring, It's not going to be about how I'm a sociopath or yet another war about sexism(That's all I see in the mytake section). I know what you're thinking, "Why would I want to know about some random guy bitch about stuff on the internet" In no way am I bitching, I'm so thankful for such an easy life I've had. It's more for me than you, again It's okay if this get's boring for you. Without further ado let's get started!
I'm a black 16 year old straight male with a lot on my mind, and I just feel like sharing with another soul just once even though I should be comfortable sharing it with others. I'm filled with stress these days and even if I don't like to admit it, sadness, anger, insecurities, and love. I'll tell you why.
Father and Son
I love my family, but I have to confront that we're not exactly the ideal "American" family. I mean we're not even white lmao
My father
My dad was a gangster from the Caribbean, he couldn't speak a word of English and he met my mom in a hotel. Now they knew each other well, but they didn't have a relationship at all. Unfortunately he had already made a family, settling down in Baltimore, Maryland. That's all I know about him. I never got to meet him, and no he didn't die in some gunfight or like in some action movie. He died peacefully working at a hotel. He's actually one of the reasons of my deep insecurities of myself.
My mother
My mother has had a rougher go than most people especially me. She's the one person who'd support me through thick and thin, literally. I've always felt bad as I was obviously not planned, but she's loved me all the same. However she did have this nagging feeling to keep moving to find better jobs, and as a kid I never was able to keep friends especially know about the culture. As a black kid moving place to place with no exposure to the culture I would soon regret all of this moving when I grew older.
You might ask "what is the culture?" I'll get to that soon
My siblings
As I said before my father had already made a family with a Latina and they had kids before I was created. Of course I've never met them, and I don't think about them much. Do they think about me? I hope to meet them one day at least.
My son
Let's talk about what I said earlier about not knowing the culture. What I mean by that is what it means to be black, I grew up moving place to place, mostly meeting white people, and when I had moved to NJ into the hood I was finally surrounded by chocolate people. Though, I did not fit in at all. I was 12 and I wanted to be hard, but what did I know? They would call me oreo, until I grew into it and when I did it was around the time I learned my pa was a gangster, I thought that was the coolest shit. I wanted to be like him. So I tried, so hard. One thing I did have in common was that I was poor like the kids I met, and when you're broke you get bored.
I'm skipping a lot of things but basically I met a girl, and she made me into a man in the back of a taco bell. a year later she had told me about the baby she aborted. She told me it was most def mine cause I was the only one she did the nasty with. I didn't know how to feel about this, I was so confused, the only thing I wanted to feel was anger, because boys were taught not to cry. So my wannabe thug attitude got even worse.
Dreams and Nightmares
Once I got into high school, I kinda cooled down. I went to a boarding school in Maine, with other kids from cities like me, and I grew self-conscious of myself because they were what I wanted to be, the kids in NJ were the wrong crowd, we had done horrible things just to be bad. This was different.
When I got to this school I fell in love. I found the most captivating beautiful thing that was called basketball, I loved it. I wanted to fly like mike and be in the NBA one day, but reality looms ever closer
As my junior year is about to end I imagine the life I'll live with the grades I have it breaks my heart each time. How could your self worth be quantified into a single number? Could I even get into college? Could a dead-end hood rat like me go anywhere? Despite all the doubts, and everyone around me being skeptical even my friends, I move on, picturing somehow I get somewhere even though I've only played for two years.
One thing I'd love to do is to be able to sing and play piano, and other instruments infront of my school, but I've been to busy to learn how. I really love music and I'd like to perform my favorite songs. Like Stevie wonder's Another Star, and other songs. Of course I'm too shy to sing or attempt to when I'm listening to music.
Insecurities
Remember I told you about the culture? Well I'm afraid what I really am. I'm too black for the white kids, and too white for the black kids. Even though I don't have white in me lol. There are stereotypes about black guys I would like to uphold, like how black people can dance -I can't, or at least I'm too shy to, I know some stuff, but not like my friends, and I'm too afraid to admit this or even address it. Not to mention of my Caribbean heritage I know nothing about. I hope one day I can truly join them, with just being okay with myself.
Romance:
Ah, my so called love life. Just like any guy I'm a sucker for girls, and I'm the biggest chump out there, I've been told I'm attractive, but I'll believe when I see it. I've had quite a few crushes, most of them didn't end up well, except one. Actually that didn't go well either but I was really into her, her parents were from Ghana and she was god's gift to this world, she looked like Nakia from Black panther, but bigger eyes, and braids. Her lips, skin, her voice, her body... I still think about her. We lasted two months, and she wasn't about getting intimate. I had only cuddled with her once. She was a muslim, so it was against her parents to have a boyfriend. Funny thing was that she liked a white guy, and I didn't trust her. Looking back her personality was the only downside, I just didn't know her well. Now I have a crush on her best friend whom I've known longer, and I've been friends with for awhile. Even though I've been contemplating if she had similar feelings, I'm sure she doesn't. I'm just waiting out the storm until I don't have these feelings for her.
Conclusion:
While it may seem I'm being negative I've had it easy and I'm thankful for it, I hope that I grow out of my fears, and play basketball in college. I hope I get over my crush. I hope I get laid and become a man, a real one. Not saying they're one in the same. I mean just growing into myself. I struggle to show feelings because I believe guys shouldn't be sensitive, and I think a lot of guys hold whats inside. I hope you enjoyed this, or I hope it wasn't too boring, thanks for reading the whole thing if you did.
P.S yea some of my headers are references to songs
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
2Opinion
Its cool that you shared all of this. I can relate to a lot of what you're going through. I think that if you feel the need to change yourself, being more gangster, doing things you're not proud of then you're sorrounding yourself with the wrong people. Try figuring out what people around you make you less of a good person than you can be.
About girls. You have already been intimate with a girl but most likely the girls you are conected to haven't already. Try finding a girl you like and want to be with her because of who she is, and not because she might want to have sex with you. After you found her reach togethrr the place where you're ready to have sex. It will be 500 times better than just a random girl you have a crush on.
I want to share with you that my dream was to perform in music as well. I started playing guitar 3 years ago and singing 2 years ago. In about a month from now im doing my first big performance. I have to tell you, its so worth it. When you get really good at music and start singing or playing infront of people, and they actually like what you're doing, it boosts your confidence. I really do reccomend that you start learning.
I wrote a lot and i can write a whole lot more. I hope some of this can help you. To sum up, the way to deal with the fact that you aren't happy is to work really hard to change your life. You can get dissapointed a thousand times but it sounds like you do have motivation in you. So br brave and go and change stuff!
and please use protection
dont worry I figured out the protection part
Wow, that's a lot of stuff to deal with, and what an effort you made to organize your thoughts.
I can't relate, but great take!