Why am I writing this?
I have no reason to, I rarely/never come to this site, it's 2:35 am (and counting), I should be in bed, but still... why am I writing this?
I want to say "I've had a lot on my mind lately" but that would be a lie, I've always had a lot on my mind. I want to say there is something particular that has happened recently, but other than a few outings with friends and other random things I have done it's all been pretty casual & routine (I'm also pretty desensitized at this point).
So again - why am I writing this?
When I first made an account on here almost 5 years ago I was going through some personal turmoil over some events that occurred between myself, a girl, girls and a friend as well as seeking advice on that and my insecurities over my appearance/style along with many other things. And oddly enough I'm going through the motions with another series of events that are somewhat the same but with a different cast of characters, as well as a different version of myself... A lot of that past drama seems trivial now and has been replaced with duplicates more or less the same.
But that isn't why I'm writing this
*It's funny, I've had thoughts from time to time about coming on here (or some other forum site) and sharing a story about transformation , progress and success but I don't feel like I've accomplished that yet - even though I definitely have in some ways "grown" but not enough to my liking/standards
**It's also strange to look at the past and try to figure out the future, I use to do that all the time but now it feels like I'm trying to eat soup with a fork - you can't move forward by constantly looking backwards
Reclaim Yourself - that's been a reoccurring theme for me since the fallout of the summer with my personal pursuits and the company I worked for all going down the drain at the same time but that phrase "reclaim yourself" has been bouncing around my head more and more but yet I still am struggling to follow through with that statement. In order to grow you need to change, in order to change you need to let something go, sometimes more than you want to.
It's 12:08 pm, I didn't finish my thought last night and decided it was in my best interest to go to sleep and continue this in the morning (so I guess now)...
Also - I still don't know why I am writing this
I feel like in retrospect compared to who I was 4/5 years ago I've developed the will and stubbornness to just push forward and move, not so much because I want to but more so out of necessity, because I really don't want to stay where I am at and I certainly don't want to fall more behind. But I feel like I have said this before, like plenty of times before so this is nothing new.
So why did I write that?
let's throw all the cliches in one paragraph and ditch the pretence - It's 2020, it's a new year and a new decade but is it a new you? I don't know, that's yet to be determined, as I start to feel the effects of the double shot espresso I chugged down my throat like the random 20 & 30 year olds I spent NYE with, wandering the streets of the downtown nightlife of the city, I can't help but feel this is all played out - because it is. NYE's resolutions like other personal declarations are useless, what really counts is the actions and the things you learn, experience and discover along the way. I want to say that I'm putting all my effort to accomplish my goals but that would be bullshit, the only thing I am doing is putting in some effort compared to the zero/nonexistent amount I would put in the past, so I guess that's growth or maybe maturing out of necessity? I'm not sure, either way I'm still overthinking it.
What I do know is some of my problems of the past still plague me, here they are in point form
- I still struggle with with my creative pursuits & creative identity, I have learnt/grown a lot and acquired a lot of gear and equipment for music recording, writing, performing (and video editing) but I still don't adequately utilize my time, and lust more for new toys rather than using what I have *it's complicated* but I need to focus myself and put in the work rather than think of excuses
- I'm 30, and soon to be 31 in a month & a half, I'm still very dependent on my family more so my parents and my father, I'll begrudgingly admit I live at home - I work and pay bills though so I'm not a complete man child haha but I still don't have a good enough job to support myself without their help - I could move out but I'd be struggling way worse than I am so I'd rather live with the embarrassment of being at home and working towards something bigger & better while I still have this luxury ***having anyone to rely on is a luxury, if you didn't know that - now you do
- My mental & physical health still fluctuates, I'm not in horrible shape but not the greatest, definitely no where near what I use to be when I was skateboarding and rollerblading and playing multiple sports, I notice my knees ache from time to time but not in a debilitating way (not yet) I really just need to go to the gym more (or at all) and eat a little bit better *portion control* my mental health is definitely a lot better than what it use to be and I plan on keeping it that way
- Friends, I've gotten really good at meeting new people and making new bonds, there once was a time when I was practically a ghost, but now I'm invited out to things weekly either directly or indirectly. I've also learned to remove people from my life if they overstep my boundaries and become to destructive (if they become abusive, if they are extreme alcoholics, if they betray my trust... etc) so I am proud of that but I still feel a "me against the world" attitude based on past experiences
- Relationships, as good as I've gotten at making friends this category has made little progress in comparison and it frustrates the hell out of me (is it my appearance, is it my style, is it my lack of career, is it that I still haven't found proper independence, is it lack of luck... is it all of that and more?). I'm not sure what I have to do in order to change this but I have some ideas and I'll just have to act on them and see what happen. but the way the dating world operates these days I feel I'm better of focusing on other things - like creative pursuits, advancing my career and improving my overall self
***I posted a link to the song Timing (acoustic) by Bilmuri. if the link didn't work I suggest YouTubing it
So why am I writing this? Was it to make a public declaration, was it to gather my thoughts, was it to get feedback/opinions from strangers, was it all of those? I'm not sure and I'm not sure if it really matters, everything is in passing, and this is nothing new, and if any of my personal and vague rambling was useful then great.
I can't think of a better reason for why wrote this so for the sake of not sounding anymore repetitious I'll end with this...
Why are are you reading this?
thanks, have nice day