The nice guy trope and it's everyone's problem


First of all, I want to explain what a "nice guy" is because it's a lot different then I think people realize. So here's a bit from the urban dictionary to explain.

A nice guy is either one of two types:

The first being a guy who is genuinely kind and caring. He is polite to everyone regardless of sex, age or race. He has no ulterior motive, i.e. he is not nice to get a reward. He behaves as such because it's human decency.

The second kind of nice guy is the one who has ulterior motives. He believes that because he behaves in a certain way, the world owes him for his actions. He doesn't clarify what he desires from the beginning and becomes angry when he doesn't get what he wants.
"So Steve's helping his neighbour move today."

"Really? I hope he gets a reward".
"Oh, he doesn't want one, he's just a nice guy."

"Did you hear? Apparently, Matt had a fit when that girl wouldn't go out with him".
"What did he do? Insult her?"
"No, he befriended her and pulled a nice guy act."
"What a dick!"

As you can see, they are extremely closely related, and there's really one difference. Motive, yes motive in philosophy, people's actions don't matter as much as their motives. For example, You met this girl at the bar. She's drinking alone and looks somewhat sad.

NOW, if you go up and ask her if she's okay because you're in that situation or you that it would cheer her up or you thought you both could use some company, that's completely fine, and that's what a nice guy would do. However, the minute you start talking to her and let's say you think,

"damn, she'd got a nice rack, maybe I can convince her to go home with me." You've failed; the game is over. Back to zero, you collect no money.

Why? Easy, because you're motive was impure, and also because she's drunk mostly, taking a drunk woman home even when she throws herself at you is a huge rape case just waiting to happen, not to mention it's not very nice to take advantage of people like that.

A nice guy doesn't think people owe him anything, especially women. NICE GUYS do. It's pretty easy, and it says volumes about you as a person, that you're more or less enable to do nice things for others without expecting someone to jump on your dick or pay you after.

I don't know when it became a thing that "oh I'm a tough guy, that's why I'm going to disrespect people all the time, even though I still think they should like me and treat me good" came from but it's time to cut that noise.

Gentlemen, you have to think about your friend who is a "nice guy," is he always trying to prove he's the alpha male, he's always saying he's sleeping with beautiful women, he likes to make fun of you literally anytime you talk about your emotions, even if your dog just died.

Well, that's another problem a lot of men have to think about when it also comes to "nice guys," these are the guys who feel like they have something to prove not only to women but to other men, the fact that some men would call the nice guy trope, "a beta male way to get pussy". It is somewhat dumb (I'm not going to go in on the whole beta and alpha situation or simp situation).

I mean, think about it, you're a decent looking dude you met a woman at the bar, and you don't think about sex with her, you enjoy her company. Over time, you both fall in love and get married in a perfect world, but how does that make him a beta male?

Especially seeing most "nice guys" are the same ones doing the same thing; it just usually doesn't work for them, and then they usually blame the girl from the bar and all women on the planet as well. Lads, I don't why I have to say a thing, but being a nice guy, yes, and that being an actual nice guy doesn't make you a lesser man.

Getting flowers for a girlfriend doesn't make you whipped,

Doing facemasks and movies with your wife doesn't mean your not manly.

Dressing up for your niece as a surprise doesn't make you a beta male.

Society likes to make us think that, and it's unfortunate, you can be kind and thoughtful to the people around you and still be extremely manly. Some of the manliest movie men are Italian men, now I don't know much about the culture, but most of the Italian men I know, they value friends and especially their mothers ( not to say an Italian can't pull a 'nice guy,' they definitely do).

To be really honest with a lot of you, if a man always has to insert his dominance over women, he meets for them to sleep with him. Do they actually want to sleep with him?

Now I'm talking about being intimidating, getting her drunk, continuously asking her out till she breaks.

Now, I'm coming for the ladies. I don't know if it's because of fake nice men that I keep hearing women even in my personal life, say, "oh, he's too nice." I have to say if you are a woman who isn't married and think like this, good luck. I genuinely wish you good luck in dating. There are many guys out there who do the romantic things we complain they don't do anymore.

Some men buy flowers for their girlfriends without asking. They make fancy dinners. They take you on romantic trips.

But, if you won't date him cause he too nice again, good luck. The idea that a guy is too nice isn't a general complaint about being kind when women say this. It's about the man's masculinity and his ability to be a manly man.

I don't know why I have to say this, but just because he won't deck your face around a corner doesn't mean he's not manly.

If he doesn't take what he wants to form you, it doesn't mean he's not manly.

If he drinks his respect women juice and has many female friends ( not in a "friend" kind of way), it doesn't mean he's not manly.

If he is in touch with his feelings and tells you what he feels (because men have been told all the time not too), it doesn't mean he's not manly

In this video, the manliest man in the room talks about how he loves doing facemasks with his wife o-0 a whole NFL Player, the stereotypical tough not a nice guy, talks about how he actually does a lot of nice things with his wife.

So ladies, I really have to ask is it that you don't want a 'nice guy' or you're just saying you don't want a man like that because you feel he's not manly enough, you believe because he openly treats women nicely, he's a "beta male." It's fine not to want the nice guy but, if you never give the nice guy a chance... well, don't complain when no man spoils you with flowers and don't complain all men are the same when you keep turning down the men willing to do this kind of stuff for you.

Now, don't get me wrong non-nice men do some of these things, but how many of them are assholes, to literally everyone but you, the woman he's sleeping with. If you think about it, logically, it's only a matter of time before he treats you poorly, or treats someone you care about poorly, because he's never had to check himself on his manly man manness.

Not to mention there are old fashion manly nice guys, but we won't get into that.

The nice guy trope and it's everyone's problem
Add Opinion
4Girl Opinion
13Guy Opinion

Most Helpful Girls

  • Mars24
    I do agree, though I would say there is such a thing as being 'too nice'. Like when someone is not at all assertive with what they want or are always accommodating everyone around them even to their own detriment. I do not find this to be attractive and it makes me feel uncomfortable to be around. I don't like friends like this let alone a potential partner. Have a backbone, stand up for yourself, and show that what we both want matters and should be taken into consideration because you have self-worth and also respect mine.
    Disagree 2 People
    Is this still revelant?
    • I definitely agree with that nobody should just be a doormat for other people, however, just being friendly and kind isn't bad either :D

    • Mars24

      No it isn't bad and I definitely appreciate kindness in people. But I guess I associate the wording 'too nice' with being a doormat, but I suppose I could just call it that rather than calling it too nice.

    • ColHathi

      Jeez, now I feel sorry for doormats.

  • JoyGirl
    Interesting. 😊
    Like 2 People
    Is this still revelant?

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

  • Unit1
    Very good! You nailed it right on target.
    truly i am amazed when you tell the girls "good luck in dating" implying the good men will be taken as fast as hot chocolate muffins 😄
    i said it before and I'll say it again - if they think nice guys aren't nice, then they shouldn't complain about being cheated on by a bad boy 😉

    so yeah. Little story time.
    there was once a 20 something year old girl, who told me I'm a genuine nice guy. But as soon as i asked a sex question here, she saw it and immediately turned 180 degrees and told me I'm a fake nice guy like all the others 😂 that girl doesn't know, that almost all men love sex.
    another girl also in her early 20s came with me and some friends to the trampolines. At the reception i know some ladies there and I'm always telling them "good day beautiful dames. I hope you're doing well?" or "good night dames". I like making them smile or giggle and i succeed at it. She however (who we went with to the trampolines) told me she doesn't trust me anymore and i think she doesn't like me anymore 😂

    ah well. One woman, who's also a married mother - when i told her these stories, she told me "gee, who can possibly understand these women?". Yup, for real. Who will? I don't care at this point 😂
    Like 1 Person
    • nerdybutlazy

      I'm happy you liked it. There was a lot of negative feedback on the post, so I didn't look at the comments on it anymore, but I build that last guys finish last. In a sense, they're the ones who end up with healthy relationships when everyone is done playing ages and women in her 30s wondering where all the good men went well most of them are probably already married and happy :D

      The same applies to men who don't want the "good girls" or just the nice girls

    • Unit1

      Yes, correct. They're missing out on something wonderful. But alas, one can't force happiness onto another and frankly if we could we wouldn't do it :)

    • nerdybutlazy

      Agreed, there's a lot of different things and aspects but if someone is just a decent person and you don't give them a chance, it's a loss.

      I'm happy you enjoyed the mytake :)

    • Show All
  • bluetoblack99
    It’s too bad women have a hard time distinguishing between the gentlemen (nice guy #1) vs. the manipulator (nice guy #2).

    Nice guy #1 wants to get laid just as bad as #2 of any other good or bad guy. But he knows that he’s going to risk rejection no matter what nice things he does. It is also true he treats everybody well whether he’s attracted to them or not UNLESS they antagonize him first.

    However women are supposed to have stronger intuitive abilities than men. Why do you use such vague terms as “nice guy” to confuse the hell out of everyone?

    But the problem is a nice guy is human. He’s going to have moments where he makes mistakes, gets angry, lies under pressure, says or does the wrong things. He’s usually more conscientious about not doing that. But it’s inevitable for him like anyone to make mistakes.

    The bottom line is get away from categorizing and labeling. Once you assign a label than every proceeding action will be influenced by your perception. You will give more leeway to “assholes” when they misbehave and actually take a rare kind moment from them as a huge deal. Then you will expect all sorts “nice” things from the nice guy. But he gets pissed off or disappoints you then you will magnify the mistake.

    People are more complicated than labels. Women claim to be more “fair and open minded” then men. But is it I see them usually making quick and hasty judgments on people?
    Like 2 People
    • nerdybutlazy

      Personally, I try not to judge but maybe that's just becuase of the profession I want. I do see a lot of girls like assholes and I would like to say it's a phase society more or less teaches women, "if a man isn't bossy and possessive he doesn't love you", which is extremely false. However, it teaches men to be bossy and an asshole becuase that's what women want which again is also false.
      Personally, I've never really liked assholes, I've only really date gentlemen and I guess I like to hold all men to that standard but, regardless thank you for your comment and I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner

    • Women can start but judging individual actions vs. quickly assigning a labels.

      I know there is a minority of women out there who have better sense. I’ve dated a few of them. It’s just sad though that so many too quickly embrace any “feeling” they have about somebody as 100% truth. There is no “your truth” or “my truth”. There is just THE truth.

      If you fall for an asshole and he screws your over then you have nobody to blame but yourself.

  • cth96190
    I used to be the first type of 'nice guy', who was motivated by common decency.
    The way that women responded ended that.
    My status as a life-long borderline incel aside, I became tired of being told about my toxic masculinity when I held a door open, or of the 'women can do anything' and toxic masculinity spray that I received a couple of times after I saw women struggling with a tyre on the side of a road.
    I was not engaged in some bizarre plan to get into a female's loins by helping her. I was being a decent human being.
    Self-evidently, women, as a collective, do not want that.
    Now, if I see a woman in distress (that includes mortal danger) I will probably keep on walking.
    Last year a saw a female being bashed by her imported Third World bad boy/psycho of the week. I knew the relationship status because I had seen them walk past an hour earlier.
    As a karate black belt, a former soldier and a licensed security guard, I could have ended Jamal's story in a second. Instead, I just watched.
    Why should I deprive that stupid young woman of the full fruit of her choice in male company?
    Bottom line: she picked him.
    LikeDisagree 3 People
    • Unit1

      Let me guess. You wouldn't risks a sexual harassment complaint by ending her abusive boyfriend there and then because she'd side with that bad boy.

    • cth96190

      That too.
      When bitches burn the coal, they are own their own.

    • Unit1

      I don't blame you.
      Every decision counts. Self Responsibility is not just a word. Some never learn. As long as its not my problem. That's one way how to separate the winners and the losers.

  • joeblow123
    We see the nice guy crouching in the grass starring at his prey. His prey, the female suspects, nothing is wrong. Slowly he sneaks up on her and then he pounces. Once she is subdued and restrained he begins the courtship process.
    Like 1 Person
  • anonChineseMale
    Interesting take on this. I can attest to this I have fallen into that pit hole of being a fake nice guy at some point around high school. However, not to the point where I manipulate them. I think for me at the time looks were probably the first thing and then personality second. It's kind of a blur right now looking back on it now. I think for me what was happening is that yes I was nice and became friends but advancing any further than that has never worked out. Whether a girl liked me at the time and I didn't like her or vise versa. We offer each other to stay as friends but because emotions were high and we couldn't handle the tension the friendship never really lasts after the confession and rejection of affection. In terms of dating someone and not from the... I guess friend zone... Is tough for me because I take a long time to build that emotional... Trust and affection? Like I trust and love my friends probably too much especially girls. Like one time... She got into a car accident... And she wasn't legal to drive at the time... Said she needed money. I had 800 and another friend (girl) also gave her like 800. She said she was going to pay it back but didn't. I have known her for like 3 years, felt like we were close but not really looking back at it and we don't keep in contact. So the money wasn't all paid back. The other friend that gave her money cried near the end of high school as we were graduating and it was her money to go to Japan. I gave her the cash she lent to our friend. I didn't ask for money back. I liked her too however I wasn't in the position to say or do anything because I knew she was going away for college too. So was I a fool to lend money sure. Did I have ulterior motives? Yeah I wanted them to like me. I was never upfront with my feeling because I know from past experiences that it recks my friendships. And I value them more than trying any harder or letting them know that I like them. I guess it is a bit traumatic for me, so I have to affirm that they are just friends and nothing more. And I have to figure out this dating thing we are all consumed with. So yeah guys can be nice with ulterior motives, it's hard to see, and it maybe unwanted development but we can't control it. But I get that there are fake nice guys out there however I think the difference is making it clear what the motive is. Nice guys that points out they would like to date you from the beginning is much better than down the line because I feel like it shows that the relationship was just to get into their pants kind of deal. While it maybe true in some cases, this kind of stems from the Media and stories we are fed. The reality I come to form is... That off the bat, although awkward for me is to seek information. One are you dating anyone? If not then I have some interest in you and would like to take you out. If they are dating someone then I would proceed to talk about the relationship and how it is going and how they meet. I am usually faced with the ladder. Which sucks however I get a good story out of it. Do we become friends that hangout down the line? No not really. If I avoid the first question about whether or not they are dating, I tend to be better off becoming friends.

    That's my experience at least.
  • Alyssa11
    Interesting thing I learned there!

    I don't know but I hear that men NEVER do anything for a woman without an ulterior motive...
    Disagree 2 People
    • well hopefully now you'll keep an open mind :b

    • Ryfyle

      Most of the time I do nice things for folks cause they're slow and/or indecisive. Secondly, few remember the kindly stranger...

    • Alyssa11

      @Ryfyle Of course. I mean doing something for a woman - e. g. you have a homeless female friend and you offer she stays at your apartment, free of charge, until she can find a place. Like apparently there's always an ulterior motive to get her to sleep with him once she gets the chance. Maybe that's a biased opinion based off of a certain group of guys!

    • Show All
  • Simplismilez
    My thing with nice guys is that if they're too nice then I worry that it's an act. My first real relationship was with a narcissist who abused me. And in the beginning he layed it on thick. And I fell for it. So now when someone is too nice. I get scared and run from that person.
    • Im really sorry that happened by first boyfriend was kind of the same, I'm sure you'll fine someone who will love and respect you

  • bamesjond0069
    The bigger the dick the more pussy a man gets. You can thank women everywhere. Im usually the biggest dick everywhere i go but i buy a girl flowers and open her doors and stuff. But i expect to be treated right too or ill dump her in a heartbeat.
    LikeDisagree 6 People
  • Liam_Hayden
    Nice guys are kind. "Nice guys" are selfish manipulators.
    Like 1 Person
    • nerdybutlazy

      Correct :D and thank you for not giving me back talk

  • Celtero
    Oh my sweet summer child, everyone has ulterior motives when they're being nice, even if it's just so they can view themselves as good, deserving people.

    And honestly, it's just not a discussion worth having. "Is he a nice guy or a... 'nice guy'?" It's a dumb internet term that has no clear meaning. I'm just going to go the route of saying that many men can be deceptive and manipulative when trying to get women to be with them. No need to make it confusing and accidently insult men who are trying to be kind in order to attract women.
    Like 1 Person
    • see here's the thing i didn't insult anyone and it is something to talk about i keep seeing men post " oh why won't women date me" and women posting "why aren't there any good men out there"

  • Reaperbot666
    • most modern good guys have 2 options in life.
    • go your own way and opt out of dating. since the chances of you landing a girl are slim. because many woman would rather be with. the "bad boy" for the thill and excitement they offer. even if they know it is for a limited time frame. but on the bright side he'll get to keep all his wealth and resources. while do things he enjoys to do.
    • or be put in the "friend zone" by most girls you meet. with almost no chance at a relationship or sex with her. which you then become like one of her girlfriends or just another shoulder to cry on. when the "bad boys" she was with cheats on her, abuses her or dumps her. possibly even leave her with a few kids. to now have to raise by herself or find some schmuck to help her.
    Like 1 Person
    • Sir I just made a whole mytake to support the nice guy... if she only wants bad boys then you need to go find yourself someone who wants a nice guy. I don't have all the answers

    • much of what it means to be a nice guy. comes from being a more traditional male. who has more traditional male behavior. which much of that is viewed as toxic today by modern feminists. so many guys who are more traditional look for a more traditional female. so many just opt out of dating all together if they can't find a worthwhile partner. or they become a bad boy to get laid more often.

    • I don't really see what that has to do with my mytake I did write about the fact women need to realize that a lot of guys are nice but we don't give them chances however, times have changed and the reality is most women are now asking for different not to mention that most of what comes from a tradition male passes off as nice isn't necessarily true. I mean the idea that this man needs to provide and protect is great but the reality is I don't want my boyfriend to worry all the time. It's individual if a guy feels he can't find a woman that matches his values so he changes, that's his issue, not a woman issue.

    • Show All
  • Ryfyle
    Holy shit, this article feels like it just came from 2014. Secondly No matter where you fall on the people spectrum, I wouldn't approach anybody sad at a bar. Sad turns mad pretty quick and depending on the town a fantastic way to get shot and stabbed.
    Like 1 Person
  • DonCachondo
    "damn, she'd got a nice rack, maybe I can convince her to go home with me." You've failed; the game is over. Back to zero, you collect no money.

    Why? Easy, because you're motive was impure, You could easily make your point without the sex-negativity, you know...
    • nerdybutlazy

      Sex wasn't necessarily the motive, the motive of talking to someone while they're upset and easy to take advantage of was the bad part, I don't really care if people have sex with someone from the bar however if you're taking someone home when they're emotionally a wreck for the purpose of sex, regardless of that person's gender that seems pretty predatory

  • b5fan
    The main thing you are missing here is the following:
    EVERY non related male who talks to you thinks about having sex with you. Period.
    EVERY male friend you have wants to have sex with you. Period.
    Understand that truth and you will understand men better.

    If they say anything else I guess it's the nice guy act...
    Jubilee is full of feminist propaganda designed to make men the servants of women.

    I refuse that role.

    Your understanding of consent is whack as well... it sounds like you think if both people are drunk, the woman is all over the man, and they have sex it's rape. That's simply nuts. For if a drunk woman can't consent neither can a drunk man. By that definition they raped each other.
    Disagree 4 People
    • you couldve just not looked at the post if it bugs you that much

    • Ryfyle

      This the fucking 90s again?

  • soleil6997
    Not this rubbish again! Stop confusing people - call it 'a nice guy' vs 'the fake (or the connived) nice guy' so we are all clear from the start what you are on about.