So I have for the first time in my life made a serious attempt at creating a romantic and sexual relationship for myself and it has surfaced a lot of new thinking and lessons learned through those efforts that I wish to catalog.
I have always been on the shy and insecure side with the added complication of being highly inclined towards solitary pursuits and having witnessed and been subjected to the results of deeply dysfunctional relationships of other that had put me off the notion that it could be a rewarding kind of relationship.
However, and quite surprisingly, I have found that in meeting with women on this basis has opened up a new facet of my personality that I enjoy the process of discovery enough to weather the pitfalls of attempting this which have been many. I have found that I enjoy women’s company and appreciate what they have to offer in terms of perspective as well as physically.
Being a virgin and entering a dating seen that almost assumes you to be a sexually experienced person has been more than a little daunting and I found initially that I felt compelled to conceal this for fear of what sort of inferences might be made about how this could be the case. And that bringing the subject up would alienate me from the person of interest. But I have found so far that when disclosed in a natural way it has yielded an interesting and sometimes detailed discussion about the nature of sex that seems to have been appreciated. At the same time, while I have warmed to the idea that this status is not a deal breaker in and of itself, it is emblematic of a life that has very few points of intersection with other people’s experiences in other domains that have so far proven to either scare off potential partners or leave them feeling like I am expecting them to take the lead which is not necessarily the case. There is also the fear that they harbor doubts on if I am looking to have a relationship with them or am just interested in finally loosing thus supposedly shameful status. Which has been frustratingly difficult to navigate. Establishing trust that I am not here to satisfy my own selfish desires is one I struggle with. Because while I have no real point of reference on it I am, it turns out, a man with a fairly elevated libido. So managing that instinct is a difficult thing. Especially when considering that i would hardly say I’m innocent of what sex is with pornography being what it is. Which is increasingly offensive and at this point almost intolerable in what kind of sentiment it try’s to evoke on average. Having that ugly knowledge has added an extra dimension to this process. Because I have had to reconcile some of that oftentimes damaging imagery with what I would actually desire in a sexual relationship. Which I am glad to conclude is drastically divergent from what I feared based on how stimulating some of that has been. I have come to the conclusion that a relationship that has a great deal of passion and flexibility in sex is extremely important to me but only if it is reciprocal and vulnerably intimate. I would like to be appreciated for what I have to offer and certainly appreciate what others are willing to offer as well.
As I said, it has been a rewarding and exceptionally painful Avenue of discovery for me and one I hope to find resolution to sometime soon. But I have had to also reckon with and accept that it might not be in the cards for me and need to balance it with progressing my own life independent of others. Lone wolf life isn’t all that bad if you have other interest in life. I try to temper these explorations with that knowledge as I proceed.
i think that’s all I’ve got 😅
Most Helpful Opinions
I can see why you are a virgin. Not trying to be harsh, but the way you talk in this post, reeks of someone who has little social awareness.
You are overthinking this WAY too much. And the way you talk in this post makes it so hard to understand. You talk in a way to make yourself sound smarter, but you end up alienating yourself by making a simple subject way more complicated than it needs to be.
You want to have sex. Go have sex. You want the girl to not put a bunch of labels on you, then don't tell her. It's not required. Tell her after you have sex, then be cool about it, so she knows you aren't gonna be a psycho about it, cause she took your v card.
Your 30, you have time. Stop thinking so much about it, and just go have sex. It's really not this huge thing that you are making it out to be. If you just do it, then you can move on to other parts of your life. Who wants to be alone their whole life?
Respectfully, I don’t sense your intention to be anything other than harsh. You have loaded a great deal of negativity and assumptions about my intention in writing this. If it’s simple for you that’s great and I’m happy for you. For me it’s a different matter. Your point on social awareness may have some bearing but I communicate how I do and wouldn’t change it so as to be understood by someone with a vastly different point of reference. I don’t particularly care about labels or being alienated. Being alone is absolutely fine. Company is welcome to me only provided I don’t feel pressure to filter my thinking to stay in someone’s good graces. Sex as well. I can see it being something extremely satisfying but only provided there is a strong mental connection. Taken on its own I don’t feel it will do much for me. I would much rather feel comfortable on my own than conceal any part of me to be in relation with another. That to me would be a true loneliness. To each their own though.
Sometimes the truth is harsh. I don't know you, I don't care about the outcome, I don't care if it hurts your feelings. You got 100% truth, take it or leave it. Sounds like you prefer the way things are.
But if that was really the case, would you be on here seeking the opinions of others? Are you really ok with it, deep down? Or is this just one of the things you tell yourself, so you can get through the days?
Someone who refuses to change any part of themselves to improve their outcomes is not brave or being themselves, they are choosing to isolate themselves instead of adopting a few social norms. No one is telling you to be with someone you don't want to be with.
But your lack of experience and overall attitude will make it so when you do find that woman you love and check all the boxes, you won't know what to do with her, and fuck it up.
I do agree that OP is overthinking it, but disagree about the 'You want to have sex. Go have sex.'.
As a fellow wizard (30 year old virgin), I can confidently say that we're already kinda numb to sex. If we can endure 3 decades without sex, what is another mere 10 years?
Wizards are human too, at this point in life personally I'd want a suitable mate and company rather than sex. OP, if your main objective too happens to not be sex, then don't think so much about sex.
What do you disagree about? If you are numb to sex or the idea of it, then why should it matter who you have it with? Just go find someone and get it done, out of the way, so you can get it off your back and move on with your life.
It's great that you are having fun with being a virgin by calling it a wizard. But it just shows that you don't take life seriously, and you need to grow up. Women don't think it's cute, and most don't want to sleep with a virgin and be his first.
Sure you can go another 10 years, and be a 40 year old virgin. You think it's gonna be easier to have sex then than it is now? Wrong. That's 10 more years you don't know what you are doing. And even more pathetic that you have gone 40 years without someone touching your dick, when you obviously want it to happen. You are just scared. A little boy, who is waiting for some mother figure to come in and show you how it's done.
It's fine that you just want companionship and love, but guess what is a part of that... sex. No woman is gonna stay with you if you are not fucking her, or terrible at it. No matter how good of a person you are. So you can either sack up, and go out there and learn. Or you can be a virgin for the rest of your life, and never know TRUE love. Good luck with that "Wizards"... lol
String43 here although why exactly is a good question.
Wtf is an apt title for someone who would offer an opinion on a highly subjective matter as the 100% percent truth. I think, although I cannot know, your concern is with sounding harsh and inflicting injury. You’ve continued to make assumption without the curiosity needed to engage in what I would consider good faith.
I made this post primarily to work through thinking on a sensitive issue to me that I struggled to see a future in without compromising core values of honesty and integrity in the process. The issue of not disclosing sexual history is a big one because at least in my little experience the topic does come up as the prospect gets closer to reality. It’s never been that I jump the pour my insecurities out on an unsuspecting victim but when faced with an organically moving conversation I tell the truth. That is the dilemma that made me feel like writing this post. Lie whether by omission or direct is not something that would seem to set a firm foundation to build a relationship on. If a girl rejects me on the basis of her own insecurities on what I might be thinking instead of asking me directly; that’s a sure sign I should look someplace else. The target is not sex but intimacy and that elusive love word you’ve alluded to. Which, you will no doubt be disinterested in knowing, I have in fact found through full disclosure and honest direct communication with someone who values those traits.
Also I’m just going to leave this last thought. Sex is not that complicated it’s fairly easy and I dare say intuitive, evolution almost guarantees it. The difficult part from my perspective is the unbelievable amount of baggage people of both sexes bring into it. Which is reinforced and added to through every sour relationship. Which it seems for most is significant. Just my opinion though fwiw 0
@Lune143 Well I think it's interesting that you are telling me "what sex is" when you have never had it...
So you don't know WTF you are talking about.
You have made sex this monumental figure in your life, that you will never be able to conquer, with the attitude you currently possess. My harshness is not to hurt, but to help. You obviously lack someone in your life that doesn't accept your EXCUSES, I can tell just by the way you talk. You are a scared child, and no one wants a scared child.
Sure I could be wrong, but again I don't care... You can die a virgin for all I care. I'm just trying to point out what is keeping you that way. And you would rather explain why your way is ok, rather than listen to an honest opinion.
Sex is intuitive... spoken like someone who has absolutely NO experience. Sure every woman is different, and some things are intuitive, but there are things you HAVE to learn from experience. Would you let someone fly you in a plane, cause they have watched a few youtube videos (porn), and it seemed pretty intuitive?
I realize that is an extreme example. But it is just to prove my point, you don't really know what you are doing. You have just seen it happen on your computer.
I obviously wasn’t explicit enough in my answer. But that statement was made after having a sexual experience the first one in which I did in fact find the mechanics sex to be natural and obvious. Sure there was some awkwardness but having approached it from a standpoint of honesty in my lack of experience helped to put pressure off feeling like I was expected to have the skill needed to land an aircraft or something. A fortunate analogy since I happen to work in aviation and you know what the biggest and most disastrous failure comes from? Pretending you know something that you do not.
It feels like the emphasis your highlighting is a need in a partner for a level of sexual prowess out the gate to establish a deep connection. If it’s a relationship where sex is not the core element but an enriching aspect of it. Sex will happen frequently enough that I will have time to build a “skill set” that can be increasingly rewarding.
I think we’re probably done here. Neither one of us seems capable of being understood by the other. Thanks for chiming in. I do actually appreciate it more than the half a sentence statements that are more common here.