So I have for the first time in my life made a serious attempt at creating a romantic and sexual relationship for myself and it has surfaced a lot of new thinking and lessons learned through those efforts that I wish to catalog.
I have always been on the shy and insecure side with the added complication of being highly inclined towards solitary pursuits and having witnessed and been subjected to the results of deeply dysfunctional relationships of other that had put me off the notion that it could be a rewarding kind of relationship.
However, and quite surprisingly, I have found that in meeting with women on this basis has opened up a new facet of my personality that I enjoy the process of discovery enough to weather the pitfalls of attempting this which have been many. I have found that I enjoy women’s company and appreciate what they have to offer in terms of perspective as well as physically.
Being a virgin and entering a dating seen that almost assumes you to be a sexually experienced person has been more than a little daunting and I found initially that I felt compelled to conceal this for fear of what sort of inferences might be made about how this could be the case. And that bringing the subject up would alienate me from the person of interest. But I have found so far that when disclosed in a natural way it has yielded an interesting and sometimes detailed discussion about the nature of sex that seems to have been appreciated. At the same time, while I have warmed to the idea that this status is not a deal breaker in and of itself, it is emblematic of a life that has very few points of intersection with other people’s experiences in other domains that have so far proven to either scare off potential partners or leave them feeling like I am expecting them to take the lead which is not necessarily the case. There is also the fear that they harbor doubts on if I am looking to have a relationship with them or am just interested in finally loosing thus supposedly shameful status. Which has been frustratingly difficult to navigate. Establishing trust that I am not here to satisfy my own selfish desires is one I struggle with. Because while I have no real point of reference on it I am, it turns out, a man with a fairly elevated libido. So managing that instinct is a difficult thing. Especially when considering that i would hardly say I’m innocent of what sex is with pornography being what it is. Which is increasingly offensive and at this point almost intolerable in what kind of sentiment it try’s to evoke on average. Having that ugly knowledge has added an extra dimension to this process. Because I have had to reconcile some of that oftentimes damaging imagery with what I would actually desire in a sexual relationship. Which I am glad to conclude is drastically divergent from what I feared based on how stimulating some of that has been. I have come to the conclusion that a relationship that has a great deal of passion and flexibility in sex is extremely important to me but only if it is reciprocal and vulnerably intimate. I would like to be appreciated for what I have to offer and certainly appreciate what others are willing to offer as well.
As I said, it has been a rewarding and exceptionally painful Avenue of discovery for me and one I hope to find resolution to sometime soon. But I have had to also reckon with and accept that it might not be in the cards for me and need to balance it with progressing my own life independent of others. Lone wolf life isn’t all that bad if you have other interest in life. I try to temper these explorations with that knowledge as I proceed.
i think that’s all I’ve got 😅