Thoughts on relationship from a 30 year old virgin.

Up yours website let me post my fucking thing
Up yours website let me post my fucking thing

So I have for the first time in my life made a serious attempt at creating a romantic and sexual relationship for myself and it has surfaced a lot of new thinking and lessons learned through those efforts that I wish to catalog.

I have always been on the shy and insecure side with the added complication of being highly inclined towards solitary pursuits and having witnessed and been subjected to the results of deeply dysfunctional relationships of other that had put me off the notion that it could be a rewarding kind of relationship.

However, and quite surprisingly, I have found that in meeting with women on this basis has opened up a new facet of my personality that I enjoy the process of discovery enough to weather the pitfalls of attempting this which have been many. I have found that I enjoy women’s company and appreciate what they have to offer in terms of perspective as well as physically.

Being a virgin and entering a dating seen that almost assumes you to be a sexually experienced person has been more than a little daunting and I found initially that I felt compelled to conceal this for fear of what sort of inferences might be made about how this could be the case. And that bringing the subject up would alienate me from the person of interest. But I have found so far that when disclosed in a natural way it has yielded an interesting and sometimes detailed discussion about the nature of sex that seems to have been appreciated. At the same time, while I have warmed to the idea that this status is not a deal breaker in and of itself, it is emblematic of a life that has very few points of intersection with other people’s experiences in other domains that have so far proven to either scare off potential partners or leave them feeling like I am expecting them to take the lead which is not necessarily the case. There is also the fear that they harbor doubts on if I am looking to have a relationship with them or am just interested in finally loosing thus supposedly shameful status. Which has been frustratingly difficult to navigate. Establishing trust that I am not here to satisfy my own selfish desires is one I struggle with. Because while I have no real point of reference on it I am, it turns out, a man with a fairly elevated libido. So managing that instinct is a difficult thing. Especially when considering that i would hardly say I’m innocent of what sex is with pornography being what it is. Which is increasingly offensive and at this point almost intolerable in what kind of sentiment it try’s to evoke on average. Having that ugly knowledge has added an extra dimension to this process. Because I have had to reconcile some of that oftentimes damaging imagery with what I would actually desire in a sexual relationship. Which I am glad to conclude is drastically divergent from what I feared based on how stimulating some of that has been. I have come to the conclusion that a relationship that has a great deal of passion and flexibility in sex is extremely important to me but only if it is reciprocal and vulnerably intimate. I would like to be appreciated for what I have to offer and certainly appreciate what others are willing to offer as well.

As I said, it has been a rewarding and exceptionally painful Avenue of discovery for me and one I hope to find resolution to sometime soon. But I have had to also reckon with and accept that it might not be in the cards for me and need to balance it with progressing my own life independent of others. Lone wolf life isn’t all that bad if you have other interest in life. I try to temper these explorations with that knowledge as I proceed.

i think that’s all I’ve got 😅

Thoughts on relationship from a 30 year old virgin.
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  • wtf636
    I can see why you are a virgin. Not trying to be harsh, but the way you talk in this post, reeks of someone who has little social awareness.

    You are overthinking this WAY too much. And the way you talk in this post makes it so hard to understand. You talk in a way to make yourself sound smarter, but you end up alienating yourself by making a simple subject way more complicated than it needs to be.

    You want to have sex. Go have sex. You want the girl to not put a bunch of labels on you, then don't tell her. It's not required. Tell her after you have sex, then be cool about it, so she knows you aren't gonna be a psycho about it, cause she took your v card.

    Your 30, you have time. Stop thinking so much about it, and just go have sex. It's really not this huge thing that you are making it out to be. If you just do it, then you can move on to other parts of your life. Who wants to be alone their whole life?
    LikeDisagree 3 People
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    • string43

      Respectfully, I don’t sense your intention to be anything other than harsh. You have loaded a great deal of negativity and assumptions about my intention in writing this. If it’s simple for you that’s great and I’m happy for you. For me it’s a different matter. Your point on social awareness may have some bearing but I communicate how I do and wouldn’t change it so as to be understood by someone with a vastly different point of reference. I don’t particularly care about labels or being alienated. Being alone is absolutely fine. Company is welcome to me only provided I don’t feel pressure to filter my thinking to stay in someone’s good graces. Sex as well. I can see it being something extremely satisfying but only provided there is a strong mental connection. Taken on its own I don’t feel it will do much for me. I would much rather feel comfortable on my own than conceal any part of me to be in relation with another. That to me would be a true loneliness. To each their own though.

    • wtf636

      Sometimes the truth is harsh. I don't know you, I don't care about the outcome, I don't care if it hurts your feelings. You got 100% truth, take it or leave it. Sounds like you prefer the way things are.

      But if that was really the case, would you be on here seeking the opinions of others? Are you really ok with it, deep down? Or is this just one of the things you tell yourself, so you can get through the days?

      Someone who refuses to change any part of themselves to improve their outcomes is not brave or being themselves, they are choosing to isolate themselves instead of adopting a few social norms. No one is telling you to be with someone you don't want to be with.

      But your lack of experience and overall attitude will make it so when you do find that woman you love and check all the boxes, you won't know what to do with her, and fuck it up.

    • Usersnames

      I do agree that OP is overthinking it, but disagree about the 'You want to have sex. Go have sex.'.

      As a fellow wizard (30 year old virgin), I can confidently say that we're already kinda numb to sex. If we can endure 3 decades without sex, what is another mere 10 years?

      Wizards are human too, at this point in life personally I'd want a suitable mate and company rather than sex. OP, if your main objective too happens to not be sex, then don't think so much about sex.

    • Show All
  • heavymetalbrotha
    Kind of sad because you could stumble your way into some sex, so none for 30 years is almost an achievement
    Like 2 People
    Is this still revelant?
    • string43

      Haha! Sad is definitely a word I have a special relationship with. Sex in and of itself feels like it would have been easy at any point in life were I to just alter my standards even slightly. I may have built it in my mind to something it could never be. There have certainly been opportunities to do so. But for what ever reason every time it’s come around I have run hard the other direction. While I would hardly call it an achievement it has allowed me to feel at ease with myself in being alone. At this point I can’t help but have high standards. Doesn’t mean I won’t cave in at some point, but I need a certain amount of mental connection to feel like its something worthwhile. Sex is instinctual. You put two people in a room for long enough and it seems like it will just happen. There are other elements that are harder to come by. At least for me anyways.

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • Explorer91
    This is just my interpretation from what I read.
    There seems to be a lot of fear you feel. And that fear is almost like a monologue. Writing what could be, what should be, what wasn’t, what might be. And this is great and all but reality is rarely what we actually think it to be. It is what it is. And sometimes you just have to go and live it.
    The fact you are a virgin at 30 is not what would be the problematic element here in dating moving forward, it would be having to explain why you avoided intimacy with other people for so long. And I’m guessing to some extent emotional intimacy too.
    this Would red flag a lot of “normal” people. So you have to understand your probably going to attract some unusual people. Don’t allow these encounters to put you off coming out of your shell. Because this will happen for a while. It will take some time to fix the consequences of being so stagnant for so long. But if you want to start living life a little more as others do and start to enjoy the standard things others do for yourself now. Be patient and know it will take time.
  • TwinTonyz
    Damn, women don't even wanna comment on this subject. The implications...
    LikeFunny 2 People
    • Bel88

      Oh damn, I left a comment :(

  • Bel88
    What? Could you repeat that?
  • Joker_
    Thanks for your thoughts, virgin
    Funny 2 People
  • Anonymous
    This is why so many men lie about not being a virgin, otherwise they would never lose it. The girl finds out and dumps him, he is technically not a virgin so he can move on sexing other girls now that he knows it is not such a big deal.

    This causes many women to just be used for sex, because someone who hasn't slept around before marriage or married the first person they had sex with is seen as a loser. Unless the person they married is also a virgin woman, but that doesn't exist unless they are underage which is disgusting.
  • Anonymous
    Sadly this is not unusual and not unheard of
    LikeHelpful 3 People
    • string43

      Yes I would expect not. But it certainly can feel that way for how private a matter it has become as time has progressed. Use it or lose it does seem to apply but in a much more ironic way than that saying initially suggests. I’m learning to laugh about it and not take my interest in it super seriously even if it’s a very earnest goal. Thanks for stopping by.