Guy's Behavior

Why I Cut..Self Abuse

I’ve never been good at being “emotional.”

In fact, for most of my life I’ve tried to stay away from any sort of drama associated with feelings or confrontations with others. Not to say that I’m not assertive, it’s just that I never thought it was important to react to everything with what I perceived as wasted passion. I’d say what I thought about a situation and that would be that. There was no sob story and no battle. I was always the type more likely to bottle up my emotions than let them pour freely.

emotional girl
emotional girl

However, there came a time in my life when I was so caught up in not wanting to express anything anymore that I lost the ability to feel at all. I soon became numb inside. I wasn’t sure where to turn to believe that I was still real and capable of something so human. So, I turned to cutting.

Cutting was my escape. When I couldn't feel anything on the inside, I’d cut just to feel on the outside. The sight of the blood was cathartic for me. It didn’t hurt—it was a release, a rush. With the right cut I could close my eyes and forget everything. I could take a breath and actually exhale for once instead of swallowing everything.

But with this private ritual came pain. Not from the objects I took to my skin, but from the fact that I had to hide what made me feel so good. I knew it wasn’t right; it wasn’t acceptable, even when it was the only thing I could count on at the end of the day—and my day wasn’t over until I did it.

When I couldn't feel anything on the inside, I’d cut just to feel on the outside.

“Unless we start talking about it and making it more acceptable for people to come forward,” says Dr. Daniel Silver man, Princeton’s Director of Health Services to MSNBC.com , “it will remain hidden.” For some people, self-injury is a coping mechanism that helps release stress, for others it’s a way of crying out. What is clear is that teen self-harm is on the rise.

Psychologist Richard Lieberman, who manages a suicide prevention program for Los Angles public schools, says that counselors and psychologists alike have been “overwhelmed with referrals for these kids.” He told MSNBC.com that one school in particular had reported several fourth-graders with burns on their arms, and another school sought help for “15 hysterical seventh-grade girls” who all had cuts on their arms.

While cutting has become more publicized in recent years—especially in association with Emoculture—it is certainly not a trait associated with anyone one culture or lifestyle. According to SelfInjury.com, even though only 4 percent of the population is made up of habitual self-injurers, nearly 1 in 5 students in high-school and college have tried it.

“Self-injury is not suicidal behavior,” says Jaelline Jaffe, Ph.D of HelpGuide.org, a site that promotes awareness for teen and adults alike who are afflicted, “in fact, it may be a way to reduce the tension that, left unattended, could result in an actual suicide attempt. Self-injury is the best way the individual knows to self-sooth.” However, this self-soothing is a poor coping mechanism.

Self-injury includes but is not limited to:

  1. cutting
  2. scratching
  3. picking scabs or interfering with wound healing
  4. burning
  5. punching self or objects
  6. infecting oneself
  7. inserting objects in skin
  8. bruising or breaking bones
  9. some forms of hair-pulling known as trichotillomania


Self-injury can develop into an addictive behavior and it’s not uncommon that people who self-harm also have a tendency towards other behaviors like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Eating Disorders, or substance abuse problems (SelfInjury.com).

What self-injurers need is a new way of dealing with stress, anger and sadness. Nearly 50 percent of self-injurers report that their trigger emotions stem from physical and/or sexual abuse during childhood (SelfInjury.com). These are not emotions that they want to express verbally, so they find other ways of communicating. However, this communication is not always obvious. Often self-injurers will conceal the parts of their bodies where they harm with clothing or jewelry.

For people who have never inflicted harm on themselves as a means for coping, it’s not easily understood what the attraction to such an action would be. Thankfully, HelpGuide.org has compiled a some reasons as to why self-injurers take the path that they do:

Why People Self-Harm:

  • Self-injury temporarily relieves intense feelings, pressure or anxiety
  • Self-injury provides a sense of being real, being alive – of feeling something
  • Self-injury temporarily relieves intense feelings, pressure or anxiety
  • Self-injury provides a sense of being real, being alive – of feeling something
  • Injuring oneself is a way to externalize emotional internal pain – to feel pain on the outside instead of the inside
  • Self-injury is a way to control and manage pain – unlike the pain experienced through physical or sexual abuse
  • Self-injury is a way to break emotional numbness (the self-anesthesia that allows someone to cut without feeling pain)
  • Self-abuse is self-soothing behavior for someone who does not have other means to calm intense emotions
  • Self-loathing – some self-injurers are punishing themselves for having strong feelings (which they were usually not allowed to express as children), or for a sense that somehow they are bad and undeserving (an outgrowth of abuse and a belief that it was deserved)
  • Self-injury followed by tending to wounds is a way to express self-care, to be self-nurturing, for someone who never learned how to do that in a more direct way
  • Harming oneself can be a way to draw attention to the need for help, to ask for assistance in an indirect way
  • Sometimes self-injury is an attempt to affect others – to manipulate them, make them feel guilty or bad, make them care, or make them go away

“While self-harm is not usually suicidal behavior,” says Jaelline Jaffe, Ph.D, “it should still be taken seriously.” If only it were as easy as telling a loved one to stop their addictive behavior. Unfortunately, it is typically a behavior that needs professional attention and assistance in order to treat. Treatment often comes with therapy, self-relaxation methods, anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication, and for serious cases, hospitalization.

Today, I try not to hold back. I try to be as honest with myself as I can in every moment of my life. Even though I still have the tendency to keep things to myself, I allow myself to talk things out too. I know that it’s better for me to reach out to a friend or my family when I feel like it’s me against the world. Sure I still slip and fall on bad habits and defense mechanisms, but now I can recognize the triggers and attempt to avoid them. I never started cutting with the intention of hurting myself, but I soon realized that even if I didn’t feel physical pain, hurting myself was exactly what I was doing.

What You Can Do

According to HelpGuide.Org, the following steps can be taken to help a friend or family member who is a self-injurer:

  • Understand that self-harming behavior is an attempt to maintain a certain amount of control, and that it is a way of self-soothing
  • Let her or him know that you care and that you will listen
  • Encourage expression of emotions, including anger
  • Spend time doing enjoyable activities together
  • Offer to help find a therapist or support group
  • Do not tell the person to stop the behavior or make judgmental comments – people who feel worthless and powerless are even more likely to self-injure
  • If you are the parent of a self-injuring child, prepare yourself to address your family’s difficulties with expression of feelings, as this is a common factor in self-injury – this is not about blame, but about a learning process that will help the entire family

It is possible to not only overcome the urge to self-harm, but to also find healthy outlets for the emotions that trigger you. I’ve found these outlets by talking to my friends, watching my favorite movies, and painting. Anything that you can do for yourself where you feel like you’re being expressive will help reduce the need to injure yourself. I’m grateful that I’ve been able to overcome this obstacle in my life, and I hope that you can do the same in yours. I know you can.

If you or someone you know self-injures please seek help at:

S.A.F.E. Alternatives 1985-2007
(Self-Abuse Finally Ends)
800-DONTCUT
SelfInjury.com

Why I Cut..Self Abuse
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