Why should a married woman give up her male friends?

Question

I just got married in June... And my husband is a bit more controlling than I would like. How can I get him to be okay with me having male friends, talking to guys in general upsets him even if the nature of the conversation isn't flirtatious. We've been in huge fights, over my GAY best friend who was gay. I think it's jealousy and insecurity on his part, but her is 10 years older than me. But I don't want to divorce, I would like to get him to ease up.

nymphoman · Accepted Answer

Should have dealt with this before the I do's but you can't undo it now.

He is insecure, as a man older than his wife myself the way I see it is that she can start over with someone new and still be considered in a young relationship with a long road in front of them, I would be the knackered old divorced guy with the choice of divorced women.

I too made my feelings clear that I didn't like guy friends in my wifes life (I cleared this up from day one), however I didn't like it because they was guys with bad reputations and general loud mouths and she was fine with this and glad she did, however a gay guy is no problem to me, they are hardly threatening or likely to sleep with my wife behind my back.

Does it mean he has trust issues, yes, does it mean he is jealous and controlling who you can talk to, yes.

To be honest I don't understand why you got married when this will have been the case before you got married, It will have saved a lot of messing around if things go awry due to this problem, you need to be aware he will probably never change his insecurities and need to control who you talk to but you should discuss it with him, it falls down to trust really, he needs to trust you and that may happen over time but don't be surprised if he is suspicious of you.

Tell him you have no intention of going with anyone else otherwise you wouldn't have got married and would rather split up than cheat if it means that much to you.

Tell him you have friends and that's all they are and you are married to him and happy that way but if he tries to control you that it will just result in you leaving him,

A marriage is based on trust, commitment, honesty and love and although you are with all 4 of them key elements he is not giving you trust which you find an insult to you.

A stern telling off for his behaviour using the above notes and it will take shape how it is destined, if that means he can't trust you but will work on it tell him you will give him the benefit of the doubt but want to see improvements in his attitude, even if that means getting him help for paranoia, work at it, do your best and it should settle down in time once he see's you are here to stay.

jimmajam · Accepted Answer

As a former jealous boyfriend, I can tell you that he probably won't change until something major happens to where he sees what is really important. It took a breakup with a very special woman for me to realize my mistakes.

I used to get upset because my girlfriend had a lot of guy friends. She just naturally got along better with guys than girls. I couldn't grasp why she'd want to spend her time talking to them when we could be talking or doing something together. I didn't realize until after that I could TRUST her and that she wanted to spend time talking to them because they were her FRIENDS.

As much as he probably says he trusts you it really is a trust issue. My line was always that I trusted her, but I didn't trust the guys not to do try anything. While this is completely true, it's kind of bullsh*t. If I trusted her then I would know that she wasn't looking for more than friends and I could trust her to shoot them down if they tried anything.

The best advice I can give is to sit down with him and try to point the things out. I'm sure you've done this, but the other option isn't great. The other option is to straight up tell him you can't continue like this if he is going to try and control you. The second option is risky because he'll more than likely get really upset and hurt.

lilnell · Accepted Answer

My husband of 8 years has a female best friend. After spending much time with her, he is now officially emotionally attached to her (see my question). It is okay to have male aquaintences but in my personal opinion, your spouse should really be your best (male) friend. The dynamics between men and women are different than with people of the same sex. You can never be sure 100% that there aren't some deeper feelings and/or attractions involved. It might not be the spouse, it may be the friend. I just prefer to not be in situations that could possibly lead to something more.

I am definitely not judging you, only you know what is right for you in your life! I just know that when you get married, things change. Some are changes that you choose to make and some are just natural changes that just "happen". I hope things work out well for both of you and that you can slip into a groove that is suitable for both of you. Maybe if you both looked at the situation from each others point of view it may help? Maybe if you both bent a little bit and met somewhere in the middle, you could find a common ground that you would both be happy with!

Good luck and best wishes!

Roshell2009 · Accepted Answer

I understand what you are saying but you are not no longer an "I" you are married it is now "we". If your Husband hung out with other Women and said "oh these are just my friends, and oh by the way they are lesbians", would you be happy about it?

When you marry you agree to so many things. If he is uncomfortable with your friends, and he ask you to give them up and you say no, what message does he receive? That your friends are more important than he, in your eyes.

His age matters not, he is just asking that you respect his position as your Husband.

The decision is yours, I mean weight the pros and cons and if you find more in common, than not... you will know.

Good Luck and I hope I wasn't too hard on you.

what-do-guys-want · Accepted Answer

sure enough he would have still been controlling before you tow tied the knott...?

and you must of relized, marring him, it would get worse, if you two had not figured this out, adn worked through these issues.

unfortunatly you have just gotten yourself a jelous, insecure, controlling guy.

i have been in your shoes, and there is nothing you can say or do to actuly fix this. prehaps going and seeing someone could help?

but its like the only thing that would make him happy is if you don't speak to any males. am I right?

dont give up our friendship, if that's all it is, and ther eis not sexual chemistry, then why should you give up a friendship?

InquisitiveMale · Answer

Although I don't think you should be forced to cut all your male friends out of your life you need to pull back a certain degree. Maintain your friendships but do so in a much more neutral nature, meaning include your husband in your activities. Unless the guy is as gay as purple grass, you should not be spending time alone with them.

With the divorce rate of young couples is it so surprising trust and jealousy is such a big issue? This should probably have been resolved long before marriage was even considered. He must have shown subtle hints as to a controlling nature beforehand.

Speak to him and attempt to find a middle ground. Things cannot remain the same as they were previous to marriage but they should not change so drastically as to cut apart your life one piece at a time. If he refuses to give up any ground, lay your foot down. Continue to be who you want to be and be with who you want to be with. It will put stress on your marriage so be prepared for some heated arguments, but maybe, just maybe, he will give in or at least give you a little leeway.

Cheers.

DoggyDude · Answer

You need to make your husband your best friend. Its fine for a married woman to have male friends and its fine for them to be many. None of them though should have access to a lot of your time of be asking you out without your husband in toe (nor should you be seeing them without your husband unless its some kind of all girl affair or a very personal matter).

Its not that he wishes to be controlling, its probably he wants to be included.

Now, if I'm wrong here and you offer for him to join you on all occasions and he refuses then the issue is slightly different.

For a marriage to be really successful you both need common friends and or goals. If you have common goals, use those to find common friends (and the same for the opposite).

Neither of you should be repressing the other but both should be wanting to flex to make the other happy.

Make him feel secure in you, include him in everything, make your best friend his best friend.

If he is unwilling to be his best friend, remind him it would make you happy (this might seem low, but its important, he should remind you if your making him unhappy equally).

da5id · Answer

nice answer again mr inquisitive,

guys if you think you can marry, and still retain complete independence on such issues you are wrong, that is not how marriage works in my eyes, it is a codependent system, you give up some freedom for support that you can in turn rely on

also classical problem with big age-gap couples older men will want to settle down i.e. want YOU to settle down, you should talk about your life plans..fast! the things a 20yrs old wants to do are VERY different from what a 30yrs old wants. what you both need to do is bridge the gap, you can't move up 10 years and neither can he go down 10

5 for both of you already is a stretch, but what you have to do is show your lifestyle to him, not exclude but include him, he's not just your means of support and the father of the children he will want very very soon but also your partner for life and that means all parts of it (to some degree)

especially in the first year of marriage it is important to stick together, work out how exactly your future together will be.

more importantly it does not matter that your friend is gay, I guess the thought of having to share you with someone else from now on and in the future might not look so good for him. its up to you to defuse the situation, let them meet a few times so he can make sure your friend is gay and not your f***buddy, and while you take the step you have the initiative, that's when you have to say:

"ok look I am taking a step towards you, now you do the same, everything is mutual in a relationship so, give me your trust and I will not let you down"

a relationship is constant work and that's what you will have to start doing if you want to reap something good

(protip: you are a woman, find out how to talk to him and use it to even the strenght bias due to your age gap)

Littletad · Answer

Ten years older? Exactly how well did and how long have you known him since you've been married. Naturally these would have been signs you would notice when you've been dating for a few months. He does seem a bit controlling, especially over a gay male friend. Your best bet is to stand your ground and tell him he needs to accept the fact that you have male friends. If he forbids you from hanging with men in general, then it looks like divorce truly is on it's way. No offense, but these are the sort of things you should be looking for BEFORE you marry. Not after.

SkinnerOne · Answer

And you didn't see this in him BEFORE you got married? I mean come on, what was it... did he flip some switch the instant you said I DO and suddenly become jealous?

I am betting if you are honest with yourself you will admit that he gave off signals that should have made you realize his true nature long before you two tied the knot. That being the case why would you expect him to change all that now?

Actually I am betting good money that while you two were dating you just loved his poisessivness and took it as a sign that he really loved you. Am I right?

sumina7 · Answer

Here is what you have to do:

Meet your friends with your husband in tow. Be very lovey dovey with him in front of them. Hold hands, massage him, tell them how great he is etc. Generally make sure that he feels that you are conveying to them how much you love him. This should make him feel secure.

As for your friends, they would love to see that you are happy in your marriage. and love your husband. That he is a wonderful guy and loves you very much. Your friends would also feel very happy. Won't they?

bobair · Answer

Seriously? You got married before settling your relationship issues?

Ridding your friends to supplicate to your husband's insecure jealousy issues IS NOT the path to a long happy life.

Instead you should continue to grow and mature, as you would any ways, and let him know that your friends are not within his sphere of control.

Invite him to challenge his insecurities, so that he too can grow up a little bit. Easier said then done I suppose.

Just DONT give into his craziness because all you'll be teaching him is that it's okay to have a baby tantrum to get what he wants.

Be clear, stay strong, and don't give in. Be a woman with boundaries, friends, and her own decision making strengths.

Good luck,

~ Robby

DrJones · Answer

Sorry, guys, I'm voting with the girls on this one. A married woman shouldn't have to give up her male friends as long as she and they have enough self-control to avoid having an affair. For gay guys, the affair-thing is obviously not a threat, so what's the problem?

In a perfect world, every girl I dated would have at least one honest, reliable, and sensitive gay male friend. That way if she ever needed to talk to a guy about something personal or secret, she'd know she could confide in him with no chance of making me jealous or suspicious :)

rockmom · Answer

in light of my friend's recent trouble, I have considered how her relationship started and 15 years later, he's still acting the same way tho she's never given him any reason to not trust her. I don't want to doom your new marriage but I don't want to doom you to a life of abuse either. if you have concerns youve probably already done some research but here's a link of some warning signs:

link

bitesizedonut · Answer

Divorce is not your only option - try talking things out with him. Seek marriage counseling. Divorce is your last resource in extreme situations (in my opinion). You made your vows for a reason. Remind him about your loyalty to him. Remind him about the vows. Ask him why he is jealous. Are these friends perhaps younger than him - ten years younger? Perhaps he is afraid that you will think him too old if you continue to hang out with your guy friends that are your age.

It may not be a case of jealousy - it could merely be insecurity. Be open and honest and encourage him to do so as well. If a third party intervention needs to happen, have one (preferably an unrelated party - a counselor or something similar).

Reeses-pieces777 · Answer

that's just crazy. you are entitled to your friends. if my future husband condemns me from having ANY male friends, that's just atrocious because I have a lot of guy friends. he might be a little jealous or over protective like you said-controlling. I'd have a talk with him or even get you all to hang out so you can prove to him "nothing is going on" and seriously. nothing is. so he shouldn't worry so much. I'd find it annoying if my guy were to "ban" me from going out with who I want to as FRIENDS. wow. yeah definitely talk to him and hang out together to disprove any suspicious theories he might have.

Anonymous · Answer

First and foremost, you're 20 years old and shouldn't be married. I am sorry to say. You haven't lived a college lifestyle and really don't even know who you really are yet. I know love is love, yada yada but I started dating a girl at 18 and she broke up with me at 23 because she "wonders what else is out there". We had such a strong and passionate love for eachother. Controlling guys are no good. It's going to start with the guys, then when you have a "girls night", you will be checked up on and accused of lying. He will check for new numbers/texts in your phone, check your emails (or ask at least). Jealousy is a deadly sin and a bad thing. Human beings are flirtatious in nature anyway. He sounds like a pretty immature 30 year old with very little life experience himself. All fingers/signs point to a future divorce, I'm sorry to say.

TeamEdward611 · Answer

i'm sorry but...why did you not realize this before you got married?!?!?

Jealousy is a big issue a lot in relationships. I don't understand what he thinks is so wrong with you hanging out with a guy that's gay. He really needs to get over it. But you have to also look at his perspective... has he been cheated on before maybe? He may just be worried of loosing you. There is no need to argue. Don't raise your voice. Just sit down with him and have a nice conversation about how he feels when you are with other men and what you can both do to somehow make both you and your husband happy with the way you resolve this issue

irissistable · Answer

you got some real problems girl..

one of the things about realations ships is.. never give up your girlfriends and friends

4 your husband! look at it this way.. if don't have any contact with your gfriends any more.

and you breakup with your husband in a few years.. then you don't have nobody to fall back on ..

and talk to. force him to ease up.. it's your girlsfriends..

from your gfriends point of view.. they are thinking oww she doenst want to hang cause she has a man and we aren't important to you anymore...

when the day comes when you will need the the most ,you will have to search 4 other girlfriends to lean on. exept if they are willing to help.. those girlfriends are hard to find.:)

but my advice is .. always have your girls.

and he his guys..

dominant realitionships never work out,.

succes ,

me

Titi18 · Answer

You sound just like me, I just get married in June/6 and my husbend is crazy when it comes to jealousy he's always qustioning what am doing who am I on the phone with and what happend when I went out today? Its crazy and its really annooyyyiinngg. I don't bleam you. Every time I talk to him about his extra jealousy he start telling me its because of how much he loves me and cares about me, that's why his this jealous, and honstlly I belive him.

dont let him go over something stuppid like that.! he made me stop talking to my guy friends! and I egreed because I love him too, and I would pick him over anyone. because I know he deserve it. and if your husbend deserve it too Then who cares about the guy friends :)

Anonymous · Answer

Your husband is a control freak. Sooner or later he may get worse and even violent.

I currently live temporarily in a women's refuge, this is a classic trait of ALL the abusive husbands I have heard about from several women who have sufferd somestic abuse.

I advise you to do your research on controlling behaviour and get out as soon as you can, or better still, kick him out first, men like this do not change.

Grow in your own confidence and self-esteeem you are worth more than this, NOONE has the right to tell you who your friends are, your husband thinks he owns you now you are married. I don't think you're an object, do you?

Watch out, BEWARE and look after YOUR needs first. A man who loves you for you will accept and like that you have your own friends. He thinks you are his possession.

TexPlayboy · Answer

If he is ten years older than you, then he is old enough to know better. So he is not likely to out grow this behavior. You will not change him. So give up the guy friends or look for an exit strategy from your marriage.

It sounds like he is projecting how he acts on you, meaning that he does not trust you because he is not trust worthy. So aside from his controlling issues, he is likely to also be a cheater.

Good Luck,

James

stktder · Answer

Men and women are made for sex. No matter how much you try to be just friends, there will be a weak time in your lives until something happens, unless one of you is gay. I know it sucks, it is good to have friends of the opposite sex, up until you get married.

sealevel27 · Answer

this is why the divorce rate is so high---people buy into the hollywood glamor of romance and marriage. that's not the reality of it. marriage is a massive change in how you live your life. you give up a LOT of personal freedom and liberty.

look at a 48 year old person who has been married for 15 years. Chances are VERY slim that that person has close opposite-sex friends.

if you want to have a young person's life, then you shouldn't have gotten married. marriage isn't fun.

lefthand · Answer

Anything that can go wrong goes wrong in isolation. Really bad relationships systematically cut off your outside contacts until there is no one left to tell you what you are experiencing is out of line. This behavior is not a positive indicator of future bliss.  If he persists in the behavior, make sure you have a clearly marked exit plan.

Why should a married woman give up her male friends?

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