Why are guys so shy these days?

Question

Would you approach me at a bar? Why or why not? Why so afraid of rejection? If you do get rejected couldn't you use that as a building block to build more confidence? Yes being rejected sucks and sucks even more so if you find that one nutty loud chick that promptly talks embarrassingly loud in front of all her staring friends. but those girls are one out of twenty and even more so...you survived didn't you? If you weren't already savvy to that type on female you just got another clue on which ones to stay away from and now can move on to all those other pretty ladies. So seriously, is that really the only reason?.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I think a lot of guys suffer from pervert shaming when they are in school. It is very much like slut shaming is for girls, but younger guys often get it just for thinking pretty girls exist. I remember seeing one poor boy ask out a girl in our class. She accused him of being shallow because he didn't know her on a personal level, but already wanted to take her on a date. He was called a pervert and several other names. The other girls in class naturally all had to take the side of the female, so they joined in and called him all sorts of things. All he did was walk up and ask her on a date. For a guy that is new to asking girls out this can be traumatic.

It also makes guys confused on how to ask girls out. Since he has learned it is wrong to walk up and ask a girl out that he doesn't already know, then approaching a woman at the bar and doing just that is impossible. This is why so many guys try to become friends with a girl before asking her out. A plan that almost always backfires.

Also not every guys wants to push a girl to have sex as soon as possible. You take a guy that already wants to take things slow, and his mother, sisters, teachers, and every other female on the planet tell him not to push a girl into going to fast, he gets confused because he thinks going slow was normal speed. Therefore he has to go so even slower so that no progress on the relationship ever gets made. He thinks any move is too fast.

There is a big push to help girls improve their confidence, but if a boy ever shows he has an insecurity, people act like he is a failure as a man, and mock him. There are no good male role models. Well not any straight ones anyway, yet there is no shortage of girl power movies.

Boys just aren't being taught how to be strong men anymore. If anyone even tries to bring up the subject of male role models, it isn't long until a feminist stands up and acts like women have is so much worse that we should ignore all the boys, and only focus on the girls.

GoodManDave · Accepted Answer

That doesn't work that way...

A) How does getting shot down by so many women add to a guy's confidence? You can say "well, I'm closer to meeting someone that will say yes," but that's a faulty assumption for many people. You could justify one girl screaming at you as "wow, what a weirdo. Moving on." But when 95% are going to do that if you show ANY sign of interest... you're probably going to be.

If you actually asked out guys, and you got shot down by 99% of them, would that build YOUR confidence?

I think after a while of getting powder keg responses, as crazy as a lot of these dudes might be, there's gotta be a tiniest hint of wonder "Did I do something?"

Imagine that you're asked out maybe once every half dozen years, if that. Now add in the nerves of just trying to show interest and you risk embarrassing yourself; showing even slight vulnerability (a bad thing); but you still have to do it to have any chance. Let's assume this goes on for years.

Assume you get screamed at any time you try to innocently flirt with a guy. Let's assume even that if you're not hitting on someone, that that guy you touched on the shoulder, or called "sweetie" is going to scream at you and humiliate you... Yes, that guy has an issue, but let's assume you have no idea of when it's going to happen, or why exactly, but you simply know it's likely to happen.

Let's also assume there are issues outside of dating, let's say things are tough in most areas... That makes it all seem worse. If you were screamed at constantly at work, felt unappreciated, and you were stuck, you'd be tired of the lack of romance too.

I'd be skeptical if you said that wouldn't affect your confidence.

Random_chick_2384 · Accepted Answer

Ugh it bugs me. I hate when people are so freaken shy! I'm a really loud and outgoing person and it's so hard to talk to someone when they keep killing the convo. It's not like I'm going to kill u if I don't agree or something!

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

See posts:

Mesonfielde · Answer

"These days"? Was it actually all that different ages ago?

pedro28 · Answer

I agree with what most of my fellow men are saying...

society, girls, etc. i do consider myself a shy guy although everyone that knows me & girls who have talked to me would be surprised if I were to say that...

even though I'm, somewhat shy I've still had tons of success with women as well as much more failure with women than anyone can imagine.. haha

my point in saying this is that what I've learned from personal is that success only depends on persistence as well as you attract what you are...

I consider myself shy because every time I see a girl I like I get nervous.. my legs shake, & my hands get all sweaty, I don't know what to say... BUT I still jump in there & do it anyway.. courage isn't lack of fear but rather being afraid & realizing there's something more important than just being afraid...

but all of this reminds me of the scene from hitch:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CcXer15_vpA&safe=active

PS- if it makes you feel better I'd talk to you if I saw you..

HikerDude · Answer

The problem is that lots of guys have really negative rejections from girls at a young age. This happened to me in high school, and it scarred me deeply. When girls you like tell you that you're a repugnant person, that stays with you for a long time.

I was overweight in high school and had the temerity to ask a girl I liked to homecoming my sophomore year. The rejection was brutal, and what followed was a month solid of her telling everyone how ridiculous it was that I thought she would go out with me. I got even fatter after that, and I didn't even dream of asking a girl out until this past year. I've lost weight now, and I feel much better about who I am as a person. But my first rejection and the years of ridicule I've experienced as a fat guy has made me very gun shy about even flirting.

Remember, guys aren't bulletproof. We're just humans like you. We have feelings, we get rejected, and often much more harshly than girls ever do. Society largely seeks to protect girls feeling a lot more than guys. Coaches, parents, and teachers usually aren't afraid to criticize young guys, and we can develop low self-esteem if we're criticized constantly. There's even research that shows that kids live down to the labels they're given, so that if you call a kid fat and stupid, he'll internalize the message and become exactly that.

Only about 20% of guys get consistent messages that they're wanted by girls and generally desirable. The other 80% of us grow up feeling that girls are doing us a favor by merely talking to us. So please don't be judgmental. We guys have our own challenges, and we're not shy simply because we're wimps or any of the other overly simplistic labels people stick on us. We're mostly shy with girls because we're damaged to a degree.

Brianc313 · Answer

Girls are bitches and liars these days... plus girls are after ten percent of dudes... seriously all the girls in college and forsure highschool are always chasing guys that are in relationships or have a lot of opportunities to be in one... girls aren't interested in men that aren't good looking, rich, funny, or men that are not d-bags.. I don't get any women, but I am starting to understand that women love competition and want to Nurture, girls don't want the nice guy who reminds her of her brother... majority of male Population is not rich, good looking, or d-bags... dudes realize that these days and this is why dudes go out with their friends and don't even bother with women... I know I won't, I've been told I'm ugly, disgusting and boring, why even bother? That was from a very attractive complete cunt, and a fat girl... Failure isn't worth it, life in today's world has so
Many more responsibilities and stresses, this could be why dudes don't try anymore... also girls tend to guy hop, which some dudes cannot emotionally handle anymore... I have friends with children and have been dumped by their baby mamas... they don't talk to any girls at bars because they are heartbroken... guys don't go after girls when they are heartbroken... I've never seen one of my friends chase after girls after a bad breakup, ever... I wish I could attract women like my friends do, because I know i wouldn't rape, commit adultery, or use physical violence like they have... I see that and I think since I'm a guy that doesent use violence and am not a idiot or jackass I have no shot at you or any girl at a bar bc I fear I will come off boring... which is why I couldn't get any girls freshman year in college and hasn't texted a girl in years... I stay on the phone and listen to girls bitch about how they get raped, but they never give me a chance.

ScruffyNerfHerder · Answer

Guys have no one to mentor them on how to be successful with women because what works isn't PC. They don't learn it at home, male behavior is punished at school either in the form of suspensions or ADHD medication, and to top it off, we live in a culture that rewards mediocrity and encourages people to embrace victim mentalities. As a result, most guys truly, literally, have no idea how to talk with women, deal with rejection, or to have a spine in any area of their lives.

Plus bars are awful places to meet people, lol.

cavmanier · Answer

"If you do get rejected couldn't you use that as a building block to build more confidence?"

I know I've heard some use that logic but that's not how confidence is built. Usually the person will develop helplessness after frequent rejection. I'm not really interested in picking up a girl at a bar though. If I do start looking it won't be there. I'd probably just come across her in life. An issue for me is I tend to not want to get to know a girl unless I already have an idea on her personality.

AverageGuy415 · Answer

Because women seem to have a set mind on what they want.. and if we feel like we dont fit the discription then it would suck to try talking to a girl just to find out she doesn't find you atractive nor does she want anything with you, and as for pretty girls... we love you, we love all the girls but pretty girls are just awesome... but i would only talk to a very pretty girl to feel good.. i would think i wold have a chance because im not that atractive and it hurts to be dumped by a very pretty girl... so dont worry ladies we still think you are amazing we just think you have high standands and even talking to you is great so not all guys that come up for a talk want sex straight up... maybe they just want the experience of talking to you because you look stuning... some guys are more cofident and dont care if they aren't good looking... so its my opinion, i like talking to pretty girls but i dont get my hopes up... im more realistic... im sure i would be better of trying and failing but I don't know... im sorta insecure... pretty girls are great, they are nice sexy and smart but they are trouble lol... but its not ur fault... so keep looking sexy and hopefully the right guy will come up to you one day!!!

oldanddecrepid · Answer

If I were younger and not attached absolutely I would have no problem walking up to you and just striking up a conversation... it's just talking!

I would never do it an bar though... simply because if I need a cup o courage to talk to you, then I am not truly being myself. Plus I want you to have all your wits about you so we can joke around and tease each other without the influence of alcohol :)

I would rather let you have fun at the bar with your friends, as you intended to do in the first place and perhaps start a conversation at the coffee house or something.

If it is the only time or place that I would see you I would simply say... I realize your out with your friends tonight and I don't want to interrupt that, however, if you would like to get a coffee or tea sometime then here is my number, if not have a great evening.

2014raser · Answer

Everyone's going to think I'm crazy, but here's what I think:

VIDEO GAMES.

A lot of guys are gamers. When a guy spends hours on end playing video games his social skills roll downhill HARD. Before all of this technology we have now more guys were able to be outgoing and confident.

Dєѕιвσу · Answer

Girls at bars, pubs are generally unreliable. They come of as attractive goods with limited guarantee and warranties.
Most of the douches go to bar for such women in the hope of sex partners like potential friends with benefits or one night stands. In short, both guys and girls are not reliable for a long term relationship. Of course i am not generalising.

It's hard to be men these days. Every girl seem to have got different idea of being a man. Feminist don't allow a man to be a man.

Anonymous · Answer

I'm pretty shy. I'm not really sure why, but I am. It's bad enough that even when I know someone likes me, I have trouble building the confidence to pull anything. For example, there's this girl I like, and we've been slowly getting more and more physically intimate. Yesterday I was at her house watching movies. We were cuddling, and got really close to kissing. The only reason we didn't is because I was too scared. I couldn't tell you why I was scared. It's not like she was going to reject me, and even at the time it was really obvious that she wanted to kiss.

gobsmacked3 · Answer

I am older ( 43 ), and have always been direct with women, regardless of my intent. I think some men are intimidated by beauty, and are scared to approach attractive women because they think they have no chance. Which sets up a situation for attractive women where they find it hard to attract men when out.

I say this for every time I am out and approach a pretty girl they instantly warm to my confidence, and surety in self

Anonymous · Answer

What @ScruffyNerfHerder said... I would add that we're presented with an image growing up of what women *really* want, which often is at odds with what they're actually attracted to.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=a9XDb0nxSO4

It's worth hearing what she has to say from beginning to end if you have the time.

CuiqueSuum · Answer

Im pretty outgoing. That being said I don't meet new people at bars generally. Primed for bad experiences. I prefer meeting new people sober. I go out to get drunk with some friends at interesting places, maybe get to know some people I recently met, but not to meet new people entirely. In fact, it's one of the few places I don't like to meet new people. Just about everywhere else is fine but places like bars or clubs.

People are drunk, it's noise, and generally things just aren't conductive to forming any type of interest, that's why they are so conductive for hook ups. It's purposely difficult to for any connection beyond that.

Anonymous · Answer

Nervous too and some girls, not all, are intimidating/loud. Think it's a numbers game, or the fear of seeing them again. It also sometimes seems that all the girls at the bar know each other, so it would ruin your chances with any of them.

Boils down to sheer nerves. But guys improve over time. Some also appear to not be single and are hanging out in loud groups where it seems difficult to cut into to.

Could you help me with mine pls? www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q1370383-is-this-flirty-female-friend-into-me-am-i-into-her-why-do-i

sp33d · Answer

If I looked at you and you looked at me with a smile, I would be at your side provoking verbal communication. If you looked like you were annoyed or bored or repelling in any other way that tells me the following:

You don't want to talk to me in which case I won't. You emit a bad aura, you reak of lack of self-confidence and and lack of pride, it pushes me away. I don't like people that are staring at their shoes when they walk along in the street.

Why would I have to stand up with your moods just because?

If you were light-hearted and confident, you wouldn't go through with that masquerade, whether on purpose or just because.

TripleAce · Answer

There not. But over the years the trends have changed slightly. We expect women to also step up and show some courage. As the gap of equality shrinks, it's part of the territory

Men always have to endure the reject or accept. So the question really becomes are YOU afraid...

Anonymous · Answer

All kinds of reasons.

Look at your own terminology for one: "Survived." It's not supposed to be a freaking battle, but it is, it certainly feels exhausting. Then we look at that nutty loud chick and wonder why the confident person is entitled to sit around waiting for guys to approach, while the shy person is expected to make a move. Rejection is the start of it and expectation is the nail in the coffin. I think to myself I don't need this shit.

I can talk to girls and can "go after what I want" but that doesn't have anything to do with it. What I want makes no difference, it doesn't matter.

RinXD · Answer

Ok let me set one thing straight constant rejection does nothing but kill self esteem and confidence. Not to mention a lot of men have gotten tired of women being the ones with out the pressure on their shoulders I mean its easy to say yes or no so there is no pressure on you all. Instead of waiting for guys to approach you maybe you should forget gender roles and approach a guy and put the yes or no in their hands for once.

Outofthegrey · Answer

I just don't like people I don't know. Which is why I don't try to be friends with people I meet on the street or in a public place where I won't be seeing them again.

Besides, I heard that approaching strangers is how you get raped, and I don't want that.

PT1911 · Answer

I think it's "creep shaming"

Like I may find you attractive, but if you don't find me attractive, I'm a creep, and vise versa

so basically I never approach because I always assume she would be creeped out

Chris011 · Answer

Yeah I've noticed that. I can relate to it though because I used to be pretty shy myself. I guess they don't want to look stupid in front of everyone, so that's why they don't approach; that's my reason.

genericname85 · Answer

why you ask? because feminism!

how the fuck is a guy even supposed to behave? it appears to me that you can only do it wrong...
if you´re nice you end up in the friendzone.
if you´re a douche, you´re a sexist asshole.
the question is: what do women nowadays even want? they don´t know anymore!

singlebee · Answer

Well this maybe because of being shy... I have never approached a girl before... well that's why I am single!!! But now I am gonna do that... Sometimes I even think I don't look so good that the girl would reject me cause of my looks or something...😐😮

allaboutnothin · Answer

Its because u are gorgeous! Most guys would be intimidated to even say hi... and fear rejection... also a guy would think such a beautiful female would definitely have a man in her life... and lets say you were in a bar and were talking with a guy (not a bf) thats another sure situation that a guy wouldn't approach you because he would feel inadequate.

BennyH93 · Answer

It's just the amount of times I've been rejected while approaching girls at clubs, I just don't really see the point. I'm not the type of guy that looks for one night stands, I just like to make new friends and get to know people. But then again, clubbing is not normally my thing. I just try to focus in college most of the time.

AlwaysBelieving · Answer

It's a combo of what the anon poster said about "pervert shaming" and what @pedro28 said. Add to it that some gals seem more unapproachable these days, and it's a wonder how humans got around for this long.

I admit I'm shy, I'm also working on it.

Jamaluddin · Answer

That is not how it should happen I guess. It is like throwing your arrow into the dark to the target. Girls should give out signs of approval or it would be tough for a guy.

alexander1991 · Answer

I'm a guy and I don't look for women at bars clubs or parties. why is it that guys always look for women at those three places don't they know that those type women aren't any good.

Anonymous · Answer

When you're walking on the street minding your own business and random girls tell you you're ugly and to not even look at them. When you sit alone at lunch and you hear the girls at the other table comment on how you look. Yeah confidence isn't exactly that high then

DerMaisknabe · Answer

Because women are crazy nowadays. :-P They lash out at me if I directly show any interest and then get mad if I don't show any. I mostly just leave girls alone now; they're not worth the trouble.

I_M_LEGEND · Answer

i pick girls up or try to probably more than an average guy.  not about being shy, she's gotta make me interested because it is work so it has to be worth it.

Applefan1 · Answer

Would I approach at a bar, I am thinking hek no! Yes I am afraid of rejection as that is what I get all the time. It feels like in my case there is no girl for me.

Octavion · Answer

I don't go to a bar to hit on people. I think bars are where you meet the worst people to date. I go to drink talk to friends and watch them painfully try to pick up on a chick...

tmac725 · Answer

Yeah why these days? Lol but some guys just are. I worked at my aunts salon for a while (before I shaved my head lol) and that experience took away all the anxiety, I guess, of approaching a girl.

Northeast106 · Answer

I probably wouldn't approach. Women are usually guarded when it comes to strange men approaching them, so your not usually received nicely. Most of us have learned this a few times the hard way, I sure have.

p0rtis26 · Answer

I do not go to bars, but I am not afraid of rejection or approaching women. They can't do anything to me. Guys just don't ask girls out like they used too.

JSmuve · Answer

Ya, but how do we know you want to be approached in the first place? Not every chick wants to be approached at all hours of the day by all manners of guys.

Ophidia · Answer

Do you want me to presuppose that you're a genius, or at least above average, anthropologist before answering this question?

Kshppatel · Answer

Its one thing if you get rejected by women but its entirely different if you are rejected by your own family who is supposed to love you and be your support system

Dansexuall · Answer

If i saw you at a bar you'd be in a taxi back to mine within 5 minutes :)

Bandit74 · Answer

There's a lot of shy guys nowadays? 0_o thank god!! I thought I was the only one :))

Byakuyarko · Answer

I'm shy of approaching girls because I look like a confirmed sex offender... I'd rather be alone than in prison

PDitsME · Answer

there are many type of guys... you maybe like shy type of guys... change yo way of thinking coz shy guys are bore LOL... its ol mental

MyUsernameRules · Answer

I do but I've always been rejected so I don't do it anymore.

Sjeggy · Answer

i would approach women in bars, it's just a pity that i don't know where to go :(

Anonymous · Answer

Your right and wrong. Rejection leads people (motivated people) to improve themselves. Self improvement gives you confidence, not other people. So rejection can lead to a boost in confidence but only because they wish to prevent it in the future.

sizedoesnotmatter · Answer

i couldn't read your article cuz your beatuful boobs has confused me

Anonymous · Answer

It's not fear of rejection.. It's just that my game is shiite.

medical2523 · Answer

Not gonna lie my ego is too fragile one rejection in person and I'm likely to call it quits on dating for good

Xylem · Answer

I can't accept 'rejection' about anything. That's why.

Keyspirits · Answer

I AM ONE UGLY DUCK. I rather not risk rejections :c

Anonymous · Answer

This is so bullshit. Why don't females ask guys out?  I go to the pub to drink and nothing else. God are not making girls right like he used to do...

YoungManInfamus2 · Answer

I know I'm ugly so I'm not going to hurt myself by trying to ask out a girl I know that's going to reject me

Steve4783 · Answer

Because most women are confident or at least know how to act like it.

Noxifer626 · Answer

Shy people are born like that. It's personality, it's not like I can control it.

happymike16 · Answer

because a lot of people are mean about it these days, but I might your pretty

Anonymous · Answer

Most guys know their limit, I like to stay in my league. Most other guys realize this as well.

coolchick4 · Answer

Really pretty girls are intimidating, or so I've heard. :-)

funguy128 · Answer

I would approach you, but it all depends on the mood I'm in.

Why are guys so shy these days?

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Why are so many guys shy?

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