Why does this shy guy keep retreating back to his shell? I can't fathom him?

[Anonymous]

Im 23 and he's 20 and shy/passive/introverted. We have like each other for about two years now. He lives around the corner. The first time we met he physically ran away from me so i suppose things have progressed massively since haha. We spoke online for the first year, just small talk, (alot of effort) even though i see him regularly in town or in the shop etc. I just smile. I knew when i was getting into this it was going to take some patience and over the last 24 months i have worked really hard to gain his trust and build his confidence and its working (slowly) but i am really struggling to relate to any of his actions right now. We'd be speaking online for a few ours.. conversation flowing nicely with the laughter and then he'd be cold and distant for the next few days. One day last month he asked me out of the blue he asked me to go round to his for a smoke. Shocked and delighted that he plucked up the courage i couldnt say no. Id put so much energy in for this moment. So i went round and we have a really nice night. Snuggling, kissing, cuddling (no sex) It was shocking. This was the longest we'd ever spent together in the flesh! Who was this confident man and where had this shy guy gone! He was everything i hoped he'd be. Funny. Very intelligent. Gorgeous. Then... nothing. No text no message nothing. Now when i talk to him he politely makes excuses like he's going to bed or he's busy. haven't spoke to him for two months now. This is awful, I've asked him directly whats up, if he's pissed off with me. He said 'i dont know' wtf! Its took me so much time to get him halfway out his shell and now he's crawled all the way back in. I know he likes me and he knows i like him. Weve been intimate, how is he still uncomfortable? How can he still not trust me? Should i try to move on? I told him when we first spoke online 'Dont worry I have a lot of patience' To which he replied 'Wont be enough for me :( ' That has planted itself in my head ever since :-/ could a fellow shy guy help me out here please?

Updates

+1 y

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for your advice. I messaged him today for the first time in a month... I got a one word dead end answer. Im going to have to let him go. Its not fair on me, torturing myself when he clearly isn't interested in me. I dont blame him

[KayReub]

Firstly id like to say well done for being patient.
1) He could be withdrawing because he sees the situation as 'too good to be true'. He's probably been in similar situations where the girl is intrested and he's falls for her realising she was all Talk.
2) Shy people dont like change even if they know it's a beneficial change and one that they want. Familiarity is comfortable. That's why it's better to be freinds with a shy guy and then take the next step. U should act like freinds with him and this will make him more comfortable around u. He appears to be flaky because he doesn't know u well enough.
3) There's too much pressure involved dating. Alleviate some of this pressure by going out as Freinds or with other people. He'll feel more comfortable.
4) Sometimes a guy wants a relationship but when a girl gives him the opportunity he doesn't want it. Imagine someone telling u that u can go on holiday Tommorow and it's paid for. You'd want to go but it's not the right time or you have other priorities.
5) tell him you guys can be freinds and see where it takes you.
6) You say he's a virgin and you clearly pity him. Shy people dont need pity I hope u haven't told him that he's shy or quiet or whatever. Because society sees shyness as a negative trait. Therefore your reinforcing his behavior as he is more conscious that you can tell he's going to be more shy and it goes on a downward spiral from there- Psychology 101.

[Asker]

Thanks this is really great advice! The best so far. Sounds like your talking from experience. Luckily i have never mentioned the word shy to him or the fact he's a virgin. I imagine he knows that i know, we dont need to draw attention to it. I dont pity him as such. Just think its a shame as he is so misunderstood. Im gonna give him some more time but im not going to put my life on hold. He knows where i am. Thanks so much

[sandy343244]

Kayreub says it, I used to be very shy when I was younger due to some bad experiences and was always afraid a woman was toying with me when things got good (that happened a lot to me).

I have been in his shoes, you both like each other so just be patient, don't push him, just encourage him a little at a time. He sounds like he is yours. It can take a lot to get over past experiences and shyness, it took me till I was 29 and met a lovely lady to really change me, he sounds decent and probably a little afraid to disappoint you

[Anonymous]

That special night was with a guy made confident with some alien substance running in his veins... something that's not normally there. The daily weird guy is the real deal and he knows what he is, been told many times and can see it in the mirror.

I'm afraid that if this was a poll, I would vote for mentally/emotionally damaged somewhere along the way and even has a correctional medical history to tell. I sense danger to someone not professionally skilled in mental problems that would know how to diffuse a dangerous surprise turn of events or recognize when things are going to be out of control.

If you still think him sane, then the best insight on someone so covert will not be GAG guesses. Better to become friends with his family & siblings, then get insight from them once they trust you. Yes, I realize they may not be handy but if you're not going to give up, then more hard work ahead getting this invitation.

[Asker]

You maybe right. Im beginning to wonder if this runs deeper than just shyness. All his friends has told me that he's never EVER been in this situation with a girl. I may of even been his first kiss? Im in over me head for sure!

[Opinion Owner]

Insight from friends is almost as good as family... so dig deeper, get to know them better... I hope this wasn't a waste of time for you, a dead end.

[gray_sailor]

I don't know how much this is going to help you but I offer it up anyway in the hopes that you may find it useful.

https://www.succeedsocially.com/shyguys

[Asker]

Thank you

[gray_sailor]

You are welcome. ☺

[Anonymous]

I don't get why he went back to his shell. I see nothing that might have done that. Anyway, after good conversation he went cold and distant. He took time to open & shy people don't get cold suddenly after opening; unless you do something negative. From this story I don't think you've done anything. So, I don't think that he likes you as much as you think.

[Asker]

Thank you. I didn't add that the poor lad is still a virgin bless him. So maybe he's pissed that we didn't have sex. I just didn't wanna scare him away with him being kinda fragile :-(

[Opinion Owner]

Nope. I don't think he's pissed off because he didn't get sex. He might be fragile but like I said earlier I'm finding it hard to believe that he likes you.
Anyway like the other anonymous user said, try to know about him from his family & especially friends... best friends. Do you know them? Do they know you?

[Asker]

I know a few of his friends. I see them around. They always make fun of him for liking me then they go all shy. I can't talk to them because they will tell him and im on eggshells as is it!

[Opinion Owner]

I'm not sure about the guy but I'm sure that you love him! I hope I'm wrong about him. He's lucky guy. Good luck :)
I wish the girl I liked had patience like you. She said she has patience but she didn't & now I've more layers around me.

[Asker]

I could love him if he'd let me. Aww thanks. Dont worry there's a beautiful girl blessed with too much patience out there for every shy guy :)
I can't help but think im still putting all this brain power in even now. I wonder if he even thinks about me :-/

[Opinion Owner]

Thanks ^^ I hope everything works out between you two :)