My boyfriend won't let me touch his phone?

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why he's so protective of his phone if he has nothing to hide. We've been dating almost a year and a half and he still to this day won't even go to the bathroom without bringing his phone. When I ask why he does it he gets mad and tells me I don't trust him. How am i supposed to when he's that shady and secretive with his phone? I just don't understand.

[spring]

I can think of a few possible explanations:

1. He's a private person
Some people are just naturally more private than others. It could be that your boyfriend simply doesn't like sharing his personal space, including his phone, with anyone else.

2. He doesn't trust you
This is a more worrying possibility. If your boyfriend doesn't trust you, it could be because he's hiding something from you or because he doesn't think you're trustworthy. Either way, it's not a good sign for the future of your relationship.

3. He's afraid you'll snoop
Even if your boyfriend has nothing to hide, he may not want you to snoop through his private messages and photos. He may think that it's an invasion of his privacy, and he doesn't want to give you that level of access to his life.

4. He's been burned before
If your boyfriend has had a previous relationship where he was betrayed or hurt, he may be more guarded now. He may not want to let anyone get too close, including you.

5. He's got something to hide
This is the most obvious possibility, and unfortunately, the most likely one. If your boyfriend is hiding something from you, he's probably not going to want you to have access to his phone. He knows that you'll be able to snoop and find whatever it is he's trying to keep hidden.

If your boyfriend won't let you touch his phone, it's definitely a cause for concern. Talk to him about why he's so protective of his privacy and see if you can get to the bottom of what's going on.

[Unoe602]

being with someone in a serious relationship... even saying that sounds funny to me... what is a serious relationship? im here because of the "serious 3 year relationship" i am in or should i say dealing with.. i was with someone who i was in love with and who i knew was in love with me... this sort of thing wasn't ever and never would have been an issue because we were both in love... what am i doing here on this site looking for an answer that i already know... maybe to say to anyone who is reading this that when two people are in love wether you are a man or a woman this type of thing is not even a thought in your mind... there are no questions because it is mutual love for one another... we come looking for answers to help us get through something that we hold onto for whatever reason. maybe im wrong but i think it must be fear that keeps us holding on. learning to let go is hard... it is hard to do for most people who are in love even when the love is not reciprocated. it is ok to have fear. thats why when you do anything that requires strength it feels so good.. my opinion is that the answer to quite a few of the questions on this site and sites like it is that the love is not mutual... is that good enough for you? if you like all humans need to feel loved then the answer is no so do something about it and be strong... it will feel great especially after dealing with bs that doesn't feel good at all. ..

[spartan55]

Finally a pink user is the voice of reason.

[vonasaurus]

i say end it~ you obviously don't trust him, and he's clearly got something to hide. if my man was exhibiting the same behaviour, i would find it very suspicious and assume that he had less than noble intentions.

i understand wanting privacy; growing up, i never had any, so my adult self craves it. when my man's computer broke and he asked to use my laptop, i gave him my password... but i felt exposed and vulnerable. like, i knew he wouldn't go through my stuff, but i like having a safe space that's mine and no one else's.

that said, trust is earned~ it's a privilege, not a right. and i would end it with this guy if he isn't willing to work to earn your trust or even put your mind at ease.

[Southern_Shorty]

Truthfully, I don't see the problem with allowing someone to view his/her phone. If you have nothing to hide, then what is the big deal? I have no problem giving my password/code to the guy I'm serious with. Keyword is serious. Not just a passing person I'm dating. I don't expect even just a regular friend to do this.

Trust is such a huge part of a relationship, so if we are struggling with that, I am hesitant as to what other issues would be a problem. Even if he doesn't have something to hide, it still gives that impression that he's trying to be secretive.

[Anonymous]

This is pretty much EVERY GUY.
You shouldn't need to touch his phone. What purpose does that fill?
The "If you have nothing to hide, you shouldn't be worried" mentality is a bullying tactic, similarly used by the government when they spy on us. It's a childish mentality.
Wanting personal privacy does NOT equate quilt.

Knowing that females will take non issues and make them into issues, he is justified in not wanting to have that bullshit.
You know yourself that you want to go through this phone, look through his texts, scan his photos and emails specifically looking for something to get upset about. WHY? Why do you (women) need to police him, why do you need to search for things looking for any opportunity to start an argument?

Imagine if every thing you did and said to every person you knew was constantly being fished through with a fine tooth comb looking for every possible chance to give you shit and try and control you... you would not want to be in that relationship would you.

[Asker]

It's just so weird to me! Like the fact that he's not willing to just show me who he's been talking to makes me assume that he's talking to someone else. I have invested so much time and effort in to our relationship and I would let him see my phone at any given time because I want him to know that he can trust me. Being secretive isn't good for a relationship. I understand that everyone needs their privacy. But when you can't show someone you've been dating for a while now who you've been talking to, then it just seems like a dead end. I need that reassurance. And I worry and stress out so much about this it's ridiculous. I fully understand everything you're saying. But if I just drop it it's always going to be in the back of my mind and I don't want to have to deal with that forever. I love him and I wish he could be real with me like I am with him. I just don't see how that's so hard.

[Opinion Owner]

It's a matter of principle. You shouldn't want to see and since you do it causes defense.
Your paranoia is your own personal issue, it's your lack of trust or self esteem. Accusing him or openly not trusting him will become a self fulfilling prophesy. Being overbearing isn't good for a relationship, not trusting is not good for a relationship. Being secretive is human, he shouldn't have to tell you every single thing. You don't own him.
Again he shouldn't have to show you because you shouldn't be asking. Why do so many women feel like they are entitled to these invasions. If you need reassurance, then you have issues not him. You shouldn't need to be constantly reassured.
Trust is faith. If he screws up then you have a reason to doubt, until then you have no reason. He is being real with you he just simply wants a little privacy. He may have porn on his phone, it may be something completely pointless but that he knows you will spaz about so he doesn't want you to see it.

[Asker]

He did lie to be a few months ago. It was pretty bad, but I love him and I accepted his apology and we moved forward. I told him I was having doubts and that's why I asked him to show me just something on his phone to know he wasn't hiding anything from me. That's when it blew up. I'm not making this a big deal for no reason. He lost my trust, and never tried to gain it back. When I just need that reassurance that I can trust him, that should be his chance to show me that I can. Not make me wonder and worry about it even more. I understand both sides, but I feel like just showing me would fix all of the problems. I'm not going to judge if it's porn or something. I just feel stupid if he is cheating and it sucks that I can't even know that for sure.

[Opinion Owner]

Well in a case where he has lost your trust because of something like unfaithfulness, I have to side with you in part. He should be more willing to prove to you that he can be trusted. But I still don't fully agree with invasive tactics and demands, I do understand the justified paranoia and he should at least show you any specific item which would put you at ease. Not hand his phone over to you, but if you think he is being bad with another girl, he could open his phone messages and at least go to the specific person and show you that he is not being underhanded. (That being said... he can delete messages so even if you don't see what you want to or expect to see, your paranoia will continue to assume the worst.)

[TripleAce]

Seems like he's playing hard ball.. however sometimes there's just stuff thats not necessarily negative towards you, his girlfriend, but rather just personal to him.

He shouldn't have to worry about you going through his phone, that's wrong BUT he should also alleviate your suspicions by simply letting you see his phone and that nothing is in there worth snooping around for. Maybe a together type thing or when he's pretty much right beside you

[Asker]

But how do I get him to do that? I've tried everything. He's not giving in. He even said "if I did have something to hide, I would have deleted it already and just let you see my phone. I just don't want you going through my phone."

[gabemichales]

you dont necessarily need to see his phone just say hi to him when you see him on his phone a few times just to be sure and if he frantically fumbles to turn of his phone and put it in his pocket he's hiding something if not than he's just protective of his phone

[Mesonfielde]

Well you shouldn't be snooping about with his phone. It's an invasion of privacy.

[IMuser]

Give me 3 reasons why should I allow you to use my phone. I will give 3 for not allowing:
1. Some information which is to be private between me and my family OR me and my friends exists on which you have no right to interfere or know about
2. If I give in today, you will eventually become obsessive about keeping a track of me, like share your location, share this etc. This is annoying as fuck and I refuse to let this happen
3. This is plain insulting me: why do you have the urge to act like my mom, checking everything? I am someone who has the ability to determine what's right and wrong for me, sure I might discuss with you but at the end of the day, I am able enough to take the right decisions.. (this is not the most logical point but yes, it counts as a point)

[madhatters4]

well trust isn't built by you snooping through his stuff. although being fair him being so provincial about his phone certainly should raise a red flag.

you shouldn't have the expectation that your boyfriend prove his honesty by letting you snoop. trust is something you have to have, not really have proven to you. he could let you look through his phone but then 3 months later does he have to do it again? i mean does it become some routine sort of thing like a parole officer?

if he gives you know reason not to trust him, aside from not wanting you rooting through his phone, i think you need to just trust him

[MayeMay]

I read through the opinions people had on this and someone said that "It's his property, not your buisness." In a way I agree but at the same time I do not.

Yes, it is his phone and he has the right to say weather or not you get to touch or look at it. But if he is hiding the screen from you, that means he is mostlikely talking to someone and he doesn't want you to know. It would be wrong to do that and I feel you, being his girlfriend, should have a right to see who his is talking to if you have suspensions of him cheating.

[AleDeEurope]

What do you want his phone for? Why are you so desperately in need to get your hands on his phone.

I understand that it's weird that he's so protective of his phone, but it's also weird that you wanna snoop on it.
Both you and him have a big trust issue. You don't trust him. He doesn't trust you. First you gotta solve that.

[Asker]

The only way to solve that is for him to gain my trust. I've already had a reason to lose his trust in the past.

[AleDeEurope]

But he doesn't trust you either...

[Asker]

Okay so what do you suggest?

[AleDeEurope]

You both gotta sit down and talk it out. Talk about why neither of you trust the other. You're both adults, so resolve this like adults.

[Asker]

Talking doesn't help. Actions are what is going to help this situation. He says he trusts me. I'm the one that doesn't trust him. Why can't he just let me see his phone instead of me having to make the decision to leave him because he won't let me see what he's hiding.

[Tom-collins]

I wouldn't like it if my fiance look at my phone. I have nothing to hide. I don't cheat on her, but at the same time its mine. If she needs to use it I let her, but I wouldn't want her snooping (I would see that as her not trusting me. I'd be annoyed too.)
by the way I always take my phone with me everywhere I go. You gots to be creeping on social media when going to the bathroom. Plus if you run out of TP you better have your phone on you if someone is out of earshot lol.

[Asker]

He can't even got the the fridge from the couch to kitchen without letting it go of it. It's crazy how much he's on it... Isn't that a huge sign?

[Tom-collins]

I dont think so, as long as he doesn't appear to text everytime or most of the time he gets up. Now you did say 'without letting go of it', if he literally holds it in his hand and doesn't toss it in his pocket, that'd be a red flag to me. Another red flag is if you two are sitting on the couch, he gets a text and shoots up to go to the bathroom or another room.

My thing is if he was cheating on you, there are cheating apps out there that appear to be just a harmless app (looks like a calculator). They hide texts from certain numbers, and he could just delete his history if he was using a dating site. So he could have all of that on his phone, and allow you to see it, without you being the wiser.

Have you seen what he's like around his guy friends? Does he act the same way around them?

[AprilR]

Huge red flag!

[Red_Arrow]

He would not be that secretive unless he had something to hide.
Guess you will have to make a decision about continuing with him. Even if I had something on my phone that I wanted to keep hidden, in the situation you describe I would just take whatever was bad off the phone and let you see whatever was left on it. Then later I could put the other stuff back. Guess he is not very bright.

[Asker]

Thank you!! He's just making the whole situation worse by telling me no over and over again. Making me have worse and worse thoughts. I didn't even care THAT much until he freaked out about.. Now I really feel like there's something he's hiding.

[iambola263]

My husband was acting strange, constantly walking away or going upstairs to use his phone then puts it down as soon as i'm in the room with him. Gets annoyed when asked, At first I thought he was watching porn, and later I started having second thoughts, this got me worried about what he could have been hiding from me. I resort to use the expertise of a techie ( DcipherBlaze at, G mail, com ), to help snoop through his device and provide me with proof that my instincts were right about him being a cheat.
Well, I wasn’t wrong after all, the techie delivered proofs to me on my device, where I monitored my husband’s phone remotely from mine, he was shocked when I provided him with evidences about his cheating ways.

[spartan55]

If he is cheating on you there should be other factors aside from his phone that would be present. How his time is spent, expenses, stories not always aligning etc. Basically pay attention to what he does. This is a better indicator of cheating, phones can be scrubbed fairly easily.

[Confusedinthisarea]

Everyone is protective of their phone to an extent - some more than others. That doesn't mean he's hiding something though.
Honestly I think he was at least somewhat justified in getting mad, while I understand where you're coming from completely, trust has to go both ways. If it really becomes that much of an issue then talk to him about it, if he still says no respect it - it shows that you do in fact trust him.

[Asker]

I'm just tired of how unhealthy this is. I feel like he would literally rather break up than let me see his phone. It's ridiculous and immature.

[swampfawkes]

you are in the wrong on this, just because you are in a relationship does not mean that you must consent to be searched! Privacy is important. I have never allowed a girl to go through my phone or email. And I have never asked to go through theirs. And I have evn been cheated on and I still respect a girls privacy!

[Asker]

You were probably cheated on because you didn't know what they were doing behind their phone. If you were open with your significant other, then you would never have to worry about getting hurt. I'm standing my ground on this one.

[swampfawkes]

Lol a person deserves to be cheated on if they dont actively snoop to try and prevent it? Are you hearing yourself?

[Asker]

No. I'm saying that if you let your significant other wander and let them keep secret from you and never try to talk to them about it, then they WILL wander because they know they won't get caught.

[swampfawkes]

If you think that about your SO then you are dating the wrong type of person and have terrible judgement.

[Asker]

That's what this whole thing is about. You're finally on the same page, yaaaaay! Good job.

[swampfawkes]

You ever here the parable about putting a man in a cage and he starts to act like animal?

[Anonymous]

Because what is in his phone is none of your business. If he is guarding it you probably do not want to know what is in it either.

News flash, adults, including married couples, have privacy and boundaries. I would never let my girlfriend see my phone. I have private emails with my doctor, lawyer, and accountant in it. My bank app is on my phone, picture gallery, etc. I won't allow that personal information to be misused by a woman, just so that she can get what she wants.

[Asker]

But if it's causing me to have doubts. Then does that mean the relationship should just be over? This is something that can be so easy to overcome. The more he says no and won't just show me who he's been texting obviously makes me assume the absolute worst. And I'm supposed to just live with that? I've opened myself completely and made myself so vulnerable. It's hard to not get that in return.

[Opinion Owner]

everyone has secrets. You really shouldn't pry into other people's business. my ex got dumped for looking through my phone because I fell asleep and found her reading my texts. When I looked through my exes phone I found that she was planning to use me to take her to Greece so she could have anal sex with her cousin.

You might not want to know. If you cannot deal with him being private, you should either 1) grow up or 2) find a guy who is a pansy and you can bully.

[Opinion Owner]

you should never have opened yourself up so much before he did. Why would you allow a person who could violate your privacy to have all the information they want? are you a fool?

[Asker]

You just said you went through your exes phone.. So kind of contradicting? And she wanted to use you to have anal sex with her cousin... You must've been doing something right bud. Also, that's the reason why I want to know what's on his phone now. I don't want to find out something that you did way down the road. It's suspicious and not good for a serious relationship. It's not hard and not a bad thing to open up yourself to someone. That's what love is all about. Getting to be yourself and being a free bird and not having anything to hide from the person you love.

[Opinion Owner]

Dont be naieve. its a sick sad world out there. If you don't watch your ass, you might get damaged.

[Asker]

I'm just tired of the logic "You may not want to know" It doesn't make sense. Yes, I don't want to know. The good, bad, and ugly. Then I can know if I want to be with that person or not. Refusing to show me texts is basically saying that there is something I don't want to see and that if I did see it, I wouldn't continue dating them. So it's either you show me and I stop making a fool of myself if I find something. Or he's really not hiding anything and we continue a happy, open, no worries relationship.

[Asker]

*Yes, I DO want to know. I do I do. Sorry, typo.

[Anonymous]

I personally think it's shady. I feel like if a man or woman has to obnoxiously keep guard over their phone then they must be hiding something. I can understand that there are some things that you might not want people to see like pictures or you might not want them going on certain apps, but they have locks for those things. On top of that, I'm assuming you don't even know his password, so if you were trying to look through it, you wouldn't be able to even get into it.

[Asker]

I do know his password, but I don't know anything he does on his phone. I've even asked him if I could see his pictures WHILE he's HOLDING HIS PHONE and he just blows up and calls me crazy. It's down to the last straw. I can't spend my life with someone that can't be completely open with me.

[Opinion Owner]

It's not that serious for him to be yelling at you because you want to see his pictures. Why would he give you his password but doesn't want you in his phone? Giving someone your password to your phone is giving them access to it. He's the one who is crazy.

[Asker]

He didn't give me his password. He just puts it in in front of me all the time.. I just feel like everyone thinks I'm crazy, but who would want a relationship like this? I can't just wonder all the time and never know. If he would just prove to me one time that he has nothing bad to hide then that would help a lot. I don't see how someone would rather break up with their girlfriend than to let her see your phone one time. That's just a huge red flag to me.

[Opinion Owner]

Did he tell you that he would rather break up with you than let you see his phone?

[Asker]

Pretty much. I asked him if he would rather break up with me or just let me see his phone right then and he said "Bye"

[Opinion Owner]

Oh well then leave him alone. Apparently he didn't have good intentions in the first place if he was able to say bye just like that. He evidently didn't like you as much as you liked him. Good riddance. Don't talk to him anymore.

[genericname85]

maybe he acts shady cause you're nosey. maybe he has "something" to hide but that's not always just cheating. he might have other things he just doesn't want you to be involved in or just wants nobody to know. give him his privacy. if you can't trust him, stop wasting time and move on.

[Dandeus]

I have absolutely nothing to hide. There's nothing on my phone that I'm ashamed of and I do not cheat. But if a chick asked to look through my phone? That's as good as an accusation and a sign of distrust. You don't ask to look through someone's phone if you're not looking for something you expect to find. I'd refuse on principle.

[Anonymous]

He is probably cheating or at least knows that there is something that will for sure upset you if you knew.
Same happened to me and he was still talking to his ex who was trying so hard to take him back.
It was mainly her running after him so I gave him the ultimatum if it he wants me then stop talking to her all together and block her or I'm leaving. He choose me.

We are now married with 2 kids so that worked for us.

[Anonymous]

My ex was the same he was glued to the third g always placed it face down etc 2 Years later when I grabbed and ran when the phone e was unlocked I found out he'd Bern chat to g to exes and others!!! Big red flag yes we all like our privacy but this k of how you are with your phone and your friends ds or anyone else who has nothing to hide are they as private about their phone probably not!!@

[bdoran22]

I feel like he's hiding something, could be another girl, or it could be some nasty humor between his friends. I have a friend who sends me nasty picture that no one should see. Do you trust him in other things.

[Asker]

I mean he's with me all the time. When he's not, he's at work or he's working out. But when he comes home, it curved wrist so I can't see what he's doing and everytime he gets up to do something, the phone goes with him just so it's out of my reach. He doesn't understand that the more he acts to try to hide things, the more curious I will be. It makes my head want to explode. I've told him all of this. He doesn't ever respond in a senseable way. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[bdoran22]

It sounds so small to him but drives you nuts, I have little things like this in my relationships before too. Whats he say back to you. Your a women, hold off sex till he shows you the phone and if he goes more then a week something defiantly up. hold off more then normal so if you have sex onces a week you will have to go longer. Like no sexual favors.

[93stepsawayfromhome]

Bullshit logic. That you don't have anything to hide doesn't mean you can't want to keep your phone to yourself. What's yours is yours and only yours to keep. If your relationship depends on you having access to his phone, you should first ask yourself why you're so paranoid.

[93stepsawayfromhome]

If you're hinting at cheating, I would never cheat, it's against my moral values, yet my partner will not access my phone, full stop. I need some privacy, even in a relationship, I don't want to see their personal messages either.

[zorro8888]

Why do you need to see his phone so badly?

If he has never given you a reason not to trust then it really just falls on his privacy.

[Asker]

He lied to me a few months ago and I found out. He didn't cheat. But he lied to me pretty big. That made me lose trust. But he says he loves me and wants me to trust him, but yet he won't let me look at his phone to see what he's been up to.

[zorro8888]

Then tell him that.

[Asker]

I have. I gave him an ultimatum. He's thinking about it now I guess. I know he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. But I don't know what he's going to choose. To be more open and honest with me, or to just end things. Because I can't keep doing this.

[zorro8888]

First off, don't give people ultimatums. It pushes them into a corner and they'll never give you the right response.

You talk to him as an adult, make your feelings and reasoning known and act accordingly based on his response.

[Asker]

I have tried to talk to him and have an adult conversation. But he just tells me to stop and that he doesn't want to talk about it. I'm over trying to have serious conversations with him. He needs to make a decision straight up.