Why don't men understand that no means no?

Question

GoodManDave · Accepted Answer

SOME men. I would say sexual type stuff (kissing, etc), I have always backed WAY off if a woman has said no to something.

With rejection for a date... sometimes a no has SOUNDED like an "ask again later." Rarely, but it has happened. Even with a "No," unless they go for personal attacks, with a simple, kind, respectful "no." (rare) I still might try at a different time, if it seems like things have changed. Usually, I get such a rude "no" that I will never EVER ask again. It's not because I'm clueless or a creep, it's because some girls will keep sending out mixed signals, like flirting after a "no."

To me, a lack of signs IS a sign... whether a girl is playing games, or just is flighty... to me, it's a sign that either I don't want to mess with that, or at least that she's not interested.

But even then, people aren't always clear about it. The girl isn't flirting... is she not interested, is she extremely subtle about flirting, or is she just not a flirt?

Some of the signals can get crossed, whether on purpose (playing games), or on accident (she plays with her hair not to flirt, but because she plays with her hair)... I had a girl who was OBVIOUSLY flirting (sneaky head on my chest, head on my shoulders type stuff)... and she wasn't the least bit interested. But when she DID say "no" it at first felt like "not this time, but later." When it was actually a "hell no, loser!" I got those clues pretty quickly, but even by then (circumstances), it was a while into the "friendship."

I've had girls who would flirt just to get me interested and it was a "hilarious joke" at my expense. So sometimes girls (and guys too... I can think of one who is terrible at flirting boundaries) aren't that clear. And some girls will keep acting interested but give a "no." or sometimes the relationship will seem to change... and you're not always sure if that "no" from three months ago still stands. I'd probably ask, but try to be clear..." That's not me being a "creep" or being oblivious... though at times, I've probably gotten that for even fairly innocent stuff like that... the few times it's happened.

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

The vast majority of men understand that "no means no".

But here's the problem: women often don't say what they mean, and often don't say anything at all, and expect men to somehow read their mind.

Pick ANY random day here and read all the questions from women, and you'll find many instances of women saying "a guy asked me for a date and I rejected him, but I really like him and want him to ask me again!" or "he was trying to have sex and I pushed him away, but secretly I was horny and hoped he'd do it anyway."

Men deal with those mixed messages from women CONSTANTLY - and many women will admit that they DON'T KNOW what they want or how they feel, and that they want the MAN to make the decisions. Men struggle with this constantly - on one hand, being told that they're unattractive if they aren't decisive and dominant, and on the other hand, that they need to listen to what women say (even when women admit they often don't mean what they say).

Despite all that, MOST men get it right virtually every time, even at their own expense.

Now, are there men who are selfish, narcissistic, and completely uncaring - who just do what they want? YES! And the rest of us don't condone them or respect them. But here's the thing: many women continue to CHOOSE those men - often over and over, and even despite knowing that a man has a reputation for hurting women and even despite being warned against him. You can't blame the whole of men for the choices that some women make.

Should men communicate more? Yes - many men struggle with this. Should women be less afraid to say what they really think? Yes - many women struggle with this. And between the two of those, communication often breaks down. Men and women are VERY different about a lot of things - more than most people like to admit - and we don't always understand the other's perspective, and without communication to bridge that gap, mistakes can be made. In most cases, there is responsibility for that on BOTH sides.

Lipsticksmearer · Accepted Answer

I just watched an interesting video on YouTube about this actually.

Essentially, one of the factors could be entertainment and movies they have grown up with. The video used the filmography of Harrison ford as an example.

Indiana Jones- indie kisses and lasso's women who have explicitly said 'no' to him
Blade runner- he basically forces himself into Rachel and forces her to give him consent under threat of violence even after she's given no signals to say she's interested in. - while romantic music swells in the background.

The president is a raging misogynistic arsehole who's supposed to be an example and leader for the men &a women of the country who's been accused of sexual harassment and jokes about grabbing women's privates. While the media plays it off as jokes and not a serious offence.

I

btbc92 · Accepted Answer

Well other than the usual answers given, if you have no boundaries set for yourself then they will take it that you're not as serious as you try to make it out. It's like raising a child or training your pet. Don't say it's okay to do one thing one day, and wrong to do that the next day. They won't understand that and will feel that you are very contradicting. It is better for that person to be angry at you for standing your ground than for you to be a people pleaser in the relationship because you're 'scared' they would walk. This issue is a lot of guys say that when we as women say no, we actually mean yes. This reverse psychology is due to unassertive women constantly doing this to guys, and now it's becoming the norm.

Makeuphoarder · Accepted Answer

Unfortunately, some feel they are entitled or like they own you. I've known men that say they shouldn't have to ask for sex , they just take it. I guess that can be a turn on at times but if a female really doesn't feel like being touched/is not in the mood/tired and they say no. No means NO! If you ignore us and continue even though we have communicated we will feel disrespected and disgusted. Please have some self control and understand that our bodies belong to us and we have the choice and the right to say NO! Please listen.

Frosteh · Answer

Because there's a certain proportion of women who say no when they mean yes, and actually enjoy the danger of interacting with a man inside of that context.

And men have absolutely no idea which women are like that and which aren't. And so it's a very dangerous leap of faith. Sometimes things get pushed a bit too far, and she enjoys that immensly. And sometimes the moment is misjudged and obviously that doesn't end well at all.

Now OBVIOUSLY this is a risk for men, and typically its why men will escalate slowly pushing the boundaries to tease out exactly if she really means no or not. Men also have testosterone which allows for risk taking behaviour. I'm not advocating doing any of this because it is a risk and if you have misjudged then you're in extremely serious trouble. But y'know some men take that risk and it pays off and they feel king of the world.

I get that it's a really serious issue for women who are genuine in their communication. But it's not lack of education or done completely without reason by men, so I hope that sheds some light on why.

To lighten the mood here's a related joke - NSFW

thatguyfromtoronto · Answer

I think there are different aspects to all of this, I remember a few girls I knew in the past where I got into an argument with them and they said, "Don't talk to me anymore!" and I wouldn't, a few months would go by and I would email them to apologize for anything I said that may have hurt their feelings. Most girls responded back to me by saying, yeah, I was expecting you to respond to me a few days later not a few months later.

I think what is also portrayed in movies where a girl or woman pulls away to see if he will still pursue her is a very stupid move females do. I understand females do this to see if he is truly worthy, example if she says "I'm fine, but she really isn't", I don't get why certain girls/women do that, just be straight up and honest, don't beat around the bush.

I guess that plays a factor for guys when no means no. Sometimes in a guy's mind, he thinks you're playing hard to get and he should try harder, sometimes it's his own sexual urges and raging hormones. Do I condone those actions when a girl says, "NO MEANS NO", no I do not condone those actions if a guy still pursues her in that sense. If a girl or woman says no in a firm tone of voice and not in some playful, flirty banter, smacking his arm kind of no then obviously it's a huge difference.

If a girl or woman said no to me, then I would take the hint and say fuck it, she doesn't like me, move on and walk away from her. Yeah, it hurts but not everyone is going to like me unless I was some handsome, rich, tall movie star.

bluelantern · Answer

Because a lot of men think they're entitled to things that aren't theirs (your body) and when you tell them they can't have it, they get offended and need to demonstrate how "masculine" they are. And sometimes they're just assholes that think if they keep pushing, you'll give in and let them do what they want. Either way, they're jerks and you should find a new guy

Anonymous · Answer

Because no does not always mean no. I was with a woman and as we started to fool around. We were making out, then I started to feel her up and then started to put my hands down her pants and she grabbed my hand and told me no. So, I respected that and just stuck to making her out and feeling her tits. Later we got into an argument because she wanted me to finger her and to fuck her and when I told her I stopped because she told me no, she told me she wanted me to keep persisting and make her change her no to a yes. So, whenever a woman tells me "no", I have no idea what the fuck that means.

Canuck37 · Answer

I'm a guy that takes women seriously when they tell me no.

But I've had a girl tell me, many years back, that she wanted a guy to pursue her. That she was upset that I didn't keep trying when she told me no.

And when I hear things like this, I start to wonder "what am I supposed to do about that?"

I have still continued to take girls seriously, and their "no" means no. The risk of sexual assault isn't worth the benefit of discovering that a few women didn't actually mean the "no."

normalice · Answer

because there are a whole lot of movies and romance novels out there that tell us that sometimes no means "yes, but I want to watch you put some effort into it, first". And girls tend to react to these movies and romance novels as though they are, indeed, romantic. So, it's a mixed signal thing. Guys don't really have a barrier between fantasy and reality - we don't fantasize anything that we wouldn't like to actually do. Girl's have that barrier. So our 'fantasy' signal is easily mixed with our 'reality' signal, and seeing things like this makes us think that a girl who says no is only trying to give chase.

Or he could just be a prick. It varies..

SnowyOwl · Answer

Because they subconsciously know they are physically stronger than females and even if we resist them, they know we don't stand a chance and they can get their way anyhow.

Many guys also subconsciously don't like to accept that they don't have full control of everything. Saying they dont have control of an outcome is like threatening their masculinity. Some sort of superiority complex.
A social injustice that is culturally neglected, still in 2017.

But there are many guys out there that know they shouldn't take advantage of their physical strength, because its better to be your girl's teammate, not her master.

Anonymous · Answer

Well, I think you need to break things down a bit more. Plenty of men (most in fact) DO understand that no means no. It's just a small minority that does not, but you do have to be careful.

It's also worth noting that you should break down the female side of this as well. There are girls for whom no means no, never. BUT there's also a number of times when no means not yet, or try a bit harder, or no but keep trying and it will be yes. Because of that there can be a lot of misunderstanding.

So what to do if you're a girl? The first thing is to try to keep yourself out of situations where you're alone with sketchy guys or with guys you aren't fully familiar with. Secondly, if you do find yourself thinking no, you need to make be VERY forceful and VERY clear and be prepared to leave immediately.

ATuairiscean · Answer

Is there any text to this question because I believe that a lot of these moral question fall into the "Depends" category or at least need to be analysed in a contextual sense. Any person who engages in sexual activity against another person's consent is guilty of sexual assault. A person who browbeats another person into reluctant sexual activity is morally reprehensible but not a criminal. The fact that it is in a grey area is more society's fault than anything else. Is it the old double standard that guys are just horny dogs who will just keep pressuring bringing themselves down and other guys who respect women by understanding no means no. Society has created this grey area that allows almost encourages this behaviour.

DanoMR98 · Answer

To be honest, this post is retarded.

Men as a demographic do not defend rape. It is already a crime, and it is one crime that liberals and conservatives both agree is the worst one, or at least in the top 3.

We could ask your title about any crime.

Why don't arsonists know that fire is dangerous?
Why don't robbers know that stealing is wrong?
Why don't gang members know that they are putting their communities at risk?

The answer to these three is because they don't care.

Why don't rapists understand that no means no? Because they don't care.

Rainie_ · Answer

Video might seem a bit long but it puts some real perspective into why some people might think its okay because its romanticised or promoted to behave that way, showing in media/movies that women DO want it despite saying no.

Goodwifie · Answer

I'd been on a few dates in my single years and I only had one bad first date experience.
I was on a picnic date and as the people around us left and there was no one else around he pushed me to the ground.
I asked him to stop and he refused, he only stopped when a passer by over herd my struggle and intervened.

Please don't paint all men with the same brush.

Chief16 · Answer

Ok, no means no. The kitchen's that way.

Daltron · Answer

Majority do, just some jerks don't care. All in all it really depends on what colors guys see, good guys are attracted by a certain breed of girl while other behaviour patterns attract jerks.

Some are clueless and honestly think it's a game and you haven't told him to buzz off you just want him to chase a bit, in this case it's just him being clueless and not a jerk. This would be rare, most of the time it's a jerks that doesn't really care about you.

Anonymous · Answer

Most men take a no at face value and leav eit. The others who are jerks and mentally incompetant don't because they're selfish and don't know when to give up.

Also to the people saying a women's no isn't always a no, when a girl says no I take it as that. If she's playing hard to get or doesn't really mean no it's her loss. I'm not going to risk raping, sexually assaulting, harassing and in general just disrespecting a woman because the odd one needs to grow up and stop playing head games.

Walrus_au · Answer

I don't want to do the 'not all men' thing here, but not all men.
I don't think it is a phenomina that is unique to men, nor universal to one or the other gender.

You see it a lot in egotistical jerks of both genders who think everything is all about them.

Natividad · Answer

I like challenges. Think of a car salesman. For example, one day on my way to work, there was a guy looking at trucks. Other cars salesman past him and told me to talk to him and see if he wants to buy a truck. Now really quickly if the other salesman thought he would actually buy they would have gone for him themsevles but they told me because i was still new. I hadn't sold anything yet. So i ask the guy if he wants a truck, he says no. He also said, "Im here getting my wife's car oil change and just looking i already have a truck". I then say it is okay, how much time do you have before the car is ready? He said about 25 mins. I then ask do you want to drive a truck why just look. We have 25 mins to kill anyways. Pick a color and ill get the keys. I do not want to go to the morning meeting anyways. He picks... short story short, we went to convice his wife to trade in his old truck for the new one. Sold truck. So see no means yes sometimes, if you are good enough. 😉

Sunburst223 · Answer

Plenty of men understand that no means no. For men who don't, it's usually because they were already a**holes to begin with. Oh, and here's a twist for ya, but men can be raped and sexually assaulted to. Sometimes, it's even by a woman. So shocking, I know.

KaseyRouqe · Answer

Because some guys don't take rejection well. I've had a few experiences with guys like that. But for the most part, guys respect the boundaries you set. Sure sometimes the might try to push it a bit, but that's just human nature. When you set them straight and upfront, some guys might even appreciate to know what to expect.

UglyKittenLovers9 · Answer

Because they don't know if you really reject him or just "playing hard to get". Because of that if you don't want him and he is being really clingy and bothering to you show your dangerous side to him. And even reject him so hard... That type of situation happened to me and really, the only way to get rid of them is being super harsh... Sorry boys 😅😅

Anonymous · Answer

I don't know if I'm lucky but I've never encountered men like that in my life. All the guys I know have always been respectful and protective of me. So it's wrong to paint all men in such negative light, when the vast majority of guys don't act that way.

RationalMale · Answer

Simple. When it comes to women, sometimes no means no. Sometimes no means "try again because I'm playing games with you."

It's just life. A lot of girls play games and reject you or dump you to "test" you.

RJGraveyTrain · Answer

Most men do, some either try to push it anyway or some suck. Lol. Women do complain when men aren't persistent. Except in cases of rape, obviously...

fabulouspancakes · Answer

Some men believe that "no" doesn't always mean "no." And apparently, some women do play hard to get and want a guy to persist after being told no. But you can't assume another person's desires, you have to take them at their word. If people wouldn't look down on women who openly expressed their desires, women wouldn't play those stupid games.

errorgoodnameunfound · Answer

MANY but NOT ALL men know no means no. Me understanding the word no is how me and my ex ended up together. She told me no at first. I said OK and due to that she was impressed and surprised. So much so that she got to know me and we had an awesome relationship. Broke up mainly because of going diff ways in life and especially because I moved. We talk still once in a while. Its a lesson I tell many guys wanting a relationship so badly. Hope it the lesson spreads.

Mattjb83 · Answer

The immature jackass guys think that if they got a no now that the girl was just not in the right mood, so try again later and maybe shell be in the right mood. Or maybe she just needs more time before it happens so try again later when she might be ready

ObscuredBeyond · Answer

I'll sympathize with this more when "sure, we'll get back to that on [x] date" means something other than "don't bet on it, and count on a sermon if you hold me to my spoken word."

If I don't keep my word, I'm painted as some horrific ruffian. If she doesn't keep her word, then no matter how much I'm screwed, I'm some horrific ruffian if I demand to at least hear an explanation as to why I got screwed over.

F* that!

Anonymous · Answer

In what context? Sexually? Ugh... Most men do know that no means no. I've never met a men that didn't. Why are you generalizing over a few assholes? There's no such thing as rape culture.

Anonymous · Answer

Women are manipulative by nature, they will lead you to do actions that will ultimately benefit them. A woman is more likely to lie about life altering situations than a man. Men resent it when women (insert mother/wife) catch their lies about not taking our garbage, or breaking diet and making it into a big deal. The resentment is real and is often slipped under the rug for a very long time. When they have enough of it they become numb and they are no longer on the fence about the essential goodness of women. They understand. When at this point a unsuspecting woman comes along who is not entirely sure of what she wants the man will then proceed to unleash his inner demons upon her. Rape is rarely without assault. The assault on women. When a man is raping a female he is basically unloading his resentment caused by a lot of women. It is basically an attack on a sex.

Bananaman177 · Answer

Every man is drowning and women have the only life preservers.

You're saying a lot more than just, "No thank you."

You're saying, "Sorry, you can just keep drowning. You're not worth saving."

How you can expect men to take that well is goddamned beyond me.

Prof_Don · Answer

Because sometimes the signal she is sending doesn't sound like an absolute "no". Girls can be so indefinite with their so-called "rejection " that we end up confused a f?

Dale1982 · Answer

Why don't women understand that men don't all think the same. What are we? Clones? Horny mental incompetents?

MoonTreexx · Answer

I dont think thats a "male" problem. Its a personal problem. If someone who happens to be a man doesn't know when to stop- we can't blame all men.

Norsie · Answer

How about this, you stop holding men to be at fault for not understanding you and you start chastising women who cannot figure out what the fuck they want; that will solve your problem of no- means no. Or better yet get off your lazy bum cowardly ass and ask a guy out.

hero-hero · Answer

Because we know that girls are extremely shallow and change their minds very easily. We also know that women's decisions are based mainly on their mood. We get different decisions about the same request with every mood change.. It is not our fault that women are extremely shallow , moody and crazy :)

None18am · Answer

Because women sometimes give men tests to see how confident and kind they are, however, that kind of throws us off because then sometimes a woman really means no but we remember that some other women said that and meant yes, so we get confused. The world is just full of confusing actions.

mamamai · Answer

Sometimes lack of intelligence and sometimes because some girls will say yes if you pursue them enough (certain girls).

Christian-Frank · Answer

Why dont women understand that you can't categorize all men into 1 type by saying stupid shit like this?

Nyx_85 · Answer

No means no except when it means "Let's try the butt".  Wow what a loaded question. I'm guessing you've had some bad experiences. Sorry about that but it's not fair for you to go blaming all men.

fhziljio · Answer

There are a lot of women, who play hard to get and become angry, if you are not persistent. Simply, we never know what you mean, because women don't know, what they want.

FýrdracaDócincel · Answer

Can we stop pretending that's the case, please? We all know it isn't.

Xavixk · Answer

If you have been raped... I'm sorry for what happened to you, but try not to let that effect your views on an entire gender. Believe it or not there are a few men out there that aren't rapists

goku_dragnballz · Answer

It's because when girls say no. It means yes. 😹

And it's because girls always say no to everything. So it's just men want to do at least something. We get bored when we get "No"s to everything. Then don't crying to your BFF if he starts to cheat.

DefinitelySane · Answer

I'm horrified by the amount of men defending ignoring consent here.

Anonymous · Answer

well, I've met many women who don't get it either. One girl chased me for the whole academic year. I avoided her (would even change my route once notice her), started no conversations and only gave some shitty short answers, maintained no eye contact while talking and most importantly approached and flirted with other women in front of her

lv4lv · Answer

Why do women not understand that no, means no? I suppose the media brain washes most women to believe that men can't say no, or wouldn't. But why are we making this a gender thing? It's a person thing.

Svennedude2 · Answer

Don't tar every guy with the same brush. No means no to me. If he doesn't accept no, he is a potential stalker who doesn't respect your boundaries. Shut that person out of your life as quickly as possible.

didigo182 · Answer

Because a good part of women always say a "no" accompanied by a sarcastic smile.

Good part of woman who sai "No" to me a seriously way, I respected and never got close to them. But I think they're afraid of it: saying no and the guy (even if they do not like it) go away, forget about them and stop chasing them.

Lilypad1223 · Answer

Most of them do. It's a bit sexist to think that all men are the same in that sense. Yes, there are men who don't understand, but guess what... there are women who don't too.

PrincessBunBuns · Answer

Because men feel entitled to something at the sign of kindness. Anyone (including men) can say no and if you're stupid and keep pushing, then you're a cruddy human being.

Anonymous · Answer

Probably because the signal she's sending doesn't actually sound like a "no". In fact, girls I've asked out on dates have actually said yes to me when in actual fact they mean no. So if girls can't actually say no then why should we think she means no,

Anonymous · Answer

Yes, no means no and I would never cross that line. BUT why are there women out there who have "no... yes" fantasies of being dominated?

A few years ago a hooked up with girl who start moaning "stop" when I was finger hanging her. I of course stopped immediately and she then said "why did you stop?" She then said she usually says "stop" right before an orgasm.

I always take the safe route but some of you women are guilty of mixed messages in situations you should NEVER send hem.

allwomenwantme · Answer

because women are always full of shit. they say sth, they think other thing and do somethings totally different. add to this that their mind is changing on weather basis, works on a principle of feelings instead rationale and you get a complete chaotic system.

example:
what she says: "I only date guys who respect me and feel connection with and "
what she thinks: ?
what she does: gets fucked by local casanova in the toilet by using no condom

ever heard for "that's what she said..." ?

Anon85 · Answer

They do. But people can often see when you're being genuine or not. If a friend asks for a bite of my sandwich and I say ''no'', that doesn't mean it'll be a no if they asked again.

JSmuve · Answer

Because sometimes to some women no means "try harder".

Anonymous · Answer

The answer to this question is that women play games and do not say what they mean. They play hard to get, they test guys to see how interested they are, hoping they will be persistent, and the list goes on and on.

If women were honest and straight forward this would not be a problem. So go speak to your lady friends and see if you can work this out. Just let us guys know what you decide cos for now it's still a fucking mystery.

ManOnFire · Answer

While a lot of guys do know that no means no, still others also know that enough women have 'given it up' to feel like they can keep trying. It's a sad truth.

AOC24 · Answer

Why do women think that there is one personality that dictates all men in general? Lmao

howzit2015 · Answer

why don't SOME women understand that it is not okay to generalize an entire population of people?

GoodGuyBreakingBad · Answer

Well cause their immature and need to learn to grow up.

Why don't men understand that no means no?

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Why don't some men hear, "no"?

Why don't men understand that no means no?

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Why don't some men hear, "no"?

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