Just an update on “the way an older man acts towards me.” Needing advice or just an opinion is good?

[Anonymous]

So as many of you know of and have given advice on the situation I have with this older man, I do have an update on the situation and need advice- again! So yesterday when I got to work this man, Ben, had come in like he usually does and we spoke as usual. During our conversation I just asked him how he feels about me and what’s his reason for some of the things he does. I don’t think I had ever felt so anxious but thanks to many of your guys opinions and advice, it made it a bit easier. He said he does have strong feelings for me. I did tell him it wouldn’t work because our age gap (I’m 18 and he’s 45) he seemed off during the rest of our conversation. He usually gets me to take his order and I’m not sure if he wanted someone else or one of the girls just went and took his order. He also usually says goodbye to myself and then girls and often has a quick chat with us before leaving but he just left without saying goodbye to me but said goodbye to everyone else. He never even looked my way. So I feel quite hurt by that. Or am I just taking things too seriously? I’ll be seeing him on Wednesday’s he comes in every second day. Should I speak to him about what happened? I’ve never been in this situation before as I’ve not had a boyfriend so trying to figure out the reason for boys actions are impossible for me. Any opinion or advice on the situation?

[Honestlove12]

You did the right thing by telling him and now that he knows what he was doing was wrong he probably feels embarrassed or bad. It's not a good idea to to bring it back up but if you do just tell him that your sorry for hurting his feelings but he has learn when to draw the line and respect you. Just keep in mind that not only would it affect you but also friends and especially family if they aren't that way with people. Sooner or later he'll start talking to you like normal. It's ok to feel hurt by telling him but now you know when a guy has pushed the boundaries to far. you are just 18 and need respect and men like that need to know what is not acceptable. Also you have plenty of other people your own age that you can meet.

[InfoBot]

His feelings got hurt, basically. He had this notion of a thing with a girl much younger than himself and you made him realise his worst fears, that he is too old for you and that he was kidding himself. So his ego has taken a bit of a kicking and he probably feels like an idiot. That said, he set himself up for it so it's his own fault. He should be pretty able to understand that your average 18yr old is not going to want a relationship with someone of his age. He had his time being 18, now it's your time. He is fully capable of being with someone closer to his own age.

[Asker]

I mean I would like to be with him but yeah the big age gap makes me think not many people would like that- friends and family. What would you think of a person my age dating a 45 year old? Also do I ignore him further on? Or go on as normal friends with him?

[InfoBot]

Ultimately it's about what you are comfortable with, that's the first priority. You're right that other people might not get it and might not approve, particularly your family. That is a bigger issue for some than for others. I've always been big on making my own decisions and I expect my family to support me, because that is their function. Yes, they have an interest in my welfare but once you reach adulthood they can't live your life for you and they'd be crippling you if they did.

It matters whether you feel that you are both compatible too. If you could move in similar circles, if he would take you places and involve you in his social circle. You clearly don't want a situation where he's too embarrassed to introduce you to anyone and only sees you behind closed doors. The age can be just as much of an issue on his side of things too.

[Asker]

That was very helpful! Thank you so much😄

[PunKin93]

If you like someone, you shouldn't let the opinipns of others get in the way. Life is too short for that bs. Just my opinion, you could be missing out on happiness, just doesn't make any sense.

[Asker]

Literally after reading what you had said, I decided to give this man a chance, he doesn’t know yet but he will soon. Life is short and I don’t want to miss out on happiness. So thank you for that

[PunKin93]

Yes!! So happy to hear! Life is too short, the reward is worth the risk. I hope all works out for you :)

[Geer73]

My guess: He is upset as he was having hopes you like him. He probably felt there was some connection and fantasized on being with you. Now you told him it is not possible he is disappointed and left without saying goodbye as it was too difficult to cope with his emotions. Anyway. I also read you do not have much experience in love and you do like him in a way. I think this is because he made you feel special and he wants you. That is a great feeling. But please, remember, this is pleasant from anybody in all age ranges. So soon you could have that same feeling for another guy that is closer to your age. He would also want you and make you feel special and it would be 100% ok and no doubts in your mind. My advice: Go for that person and forget this one for now. If you still see him every other day, just be nice and polite, but keep your distance and no physical contact.

[KhoryESM]

He left because you don’t feel the same way even with your age gap he’s hurt I’ve been through the same thing I got rejected by a girl I gave gifts too & it hurt a lot. But yea it’d be weird if you guys were together in my opinion but nothing wrong with that but yea the age gap is bad. He’s hurt cause you don’t feel the same way but I think you shouldn’t take it so seriously & try & forget about it I mean talk it over with your friends or parents beautiful Sarah & hope today was a good day for you

[Kromwell]

You basically let him know that you know how he feels and turned him down. His reaction is completely natural and I would advise against following up the issue on a later date. He'll bring it up if he wants to talk about it.

[Asker]

Thank you for the advice!

[logicalAnswers]

You did the right thing. But you still hurt his felings. Give him some time to lick his wound and he might come back. Or he will treat you differently from here on out.
Don't get too hung up on it. Things change in life and you can't let someone down so softly they don't hurt at all. And if course your dynamic will be different when he knows you are not interested.

[Asker]

It’s not that I’m not interested, it’s just if something happened between us, there will be so much back lash from my family and his. Not only that but there are several complications that come with it

[logicalAnswers]

Sorry. I didn't read your post the other day so i was not aware the was more than just a customer.

Speaking from own experience I dated a woman who was 38 when I was 18 for a couple of years. At the time I was very much in love and felt it to be the right choice. But now I regret spending that time of my life with her since it set me apart from my peers to such an extent.

[PipelineSurfer]

He's probably a little hurt too, but in the end he shouldn't be that way towards you. He should respect the decision you've made regardless

[PipelineSurfer]

Maybe when you get older your opinion will change, you're still pretty young. Because I like 10+ years older than me. But when they have kids the same age or older than me, that's when I draw the line...

[Asker]

Very understandable. Thank you for that

[nachosaresexy]

Hi! Just curious how this situation has turned out and if you're still needing any advice?

[Leglvr]

He is a bit freaked that you were astute to notice and forward by asking, prob by admitting his interest and that was out of his comfort zone

[Asker]

Would you imagine him talking to me anytime soon?

[dragon9669]

His feelings are hurt.