Why have I suddenly become the last resort? I feel like I am taken for granted. Advice please?

[Anonymous]

So, my and my boyfriend have been dating for a little over 14months. Our relationship was 10/10 for the first 7-8months. I've never been so loved, or so happy. He was honestly the PERFECT boyfriend. He lived about an hour away, and drove up every week to see me. We always went out and did stuff, he was always put me before his friends. He was spontaneous, and romantic. Just absolutely perfect.

We began to seriously discuss our future. He wanted to get married someday/have kids/ect. And actually decided to move up to Austin where I live, just to be closer to me. That's when things began to turn around.

He moved in with 2 of his best friends, who are twins. And are extremely negative, and are both single. If we have a fight, they're not positive about us, they tell him to just dump me and to be single with them. He began drinking a lot. And spending more and more time with them, and less with me.

I started feeling neglected, and brought it up to him frequently.

He would apologize, and tell me that that's not how it is at all. I am his #1, and always would be. And even though he told me, he still didn't treat me like I was.

We began to fight a lot. Mostly because he would blow me off for his friends. If we had plans, he would ditch me if something else came up. Eventually he told me that he couldn't commit to anymore days, because he didn't want to hurt my feelings if something else came up. Basically, he said that he would call me last minute, and if we were both free, then we could hang. Which wasn't okay with me. Its not fair to at all, and I feel like I am less important then everything else he has going on in his life.

I'm not a nag or anything, I don't need to spend every minute with him, but it hurts when he tells me that he isn't willing to pick me over his friends..

What do I do?

I know speaking to him about it doesn't work, I've tried many times.

I love him to pieces, and if he treated me right then everything would be perfect.

Is there anyway I can get him to treat me better? Or do I just give up. I am just so sick and tired of giving my all, and not getting anything back.

[Anonymous]

I live in San Antonio. I lived in Austin. I also have been in your shoes as a guy. Well for one drinking and going out was a bad thing! Do you realize what..., going out is? Do you have a car? Go down to six street. In some of the bars you can see guys have sex with girls and girls dancing on bars... In San Antonio... It's trashy. I don't mean to hurt you but... You can't know a person in a year. You can only know a person over years.. People change in a day. What drugs are he on? In one day with some drugs it's over. In one days he could have a std. Not saying any of this has happened... Next time look for red flags. I mean moral ones... Don't be eager. Look at the bright side at least if it doesn't work out, your not pregnant and without a father to raise your child. Now if you want him back luciaa is correct. But what you have consider is who is he now. He doesn't want to hurt you... What is he saying? You have to met him on his level. I've met girls who have lost everything and got older all my life. I pay attention. You can but don't always put your eggs in one basket. I would date you in a heart beat. I want marriage. And I'm older. And I live in San Antonio. You want marridge. I'm not trying to hook up but the number one reason why girls turn from dating guys your age is because they act just like him. Guys more older are stable. Boys don't get it. Men do. The percentage of relationships that make it go up with age. Right now what you need to do is be the one who everyone wants. Not for him but for you. But realize it's all about having the same spiritual sexual vision and total transparency for communication to happen if you want a lifetime marriage. Most women marry nice guys. You can only know a guy if you've been in his shoes and his mind all his life. You to know his wild side now. In other words you have to now find out who he's become and what he's thinking now and been and seen before you can really meet him at his level. Then see if this is what you want to marry and have as a father for your baby. In order for true love to be you have to be 100% transparent. And you have to love what comes out over a lifetime. No nagging. No complaints. That's why marriages fail. Look up magnetic attraction. It's transparency on levels. So yes you can get him back but unless your willing to meet him at his spiritual, emotional and sexual level and he chooses you to talk to about marriage once again without being you hurt bring up past and nagging at him, or with you playing games with his head, well you might end up anther fatherless statistic...

[ArtistBboy]

Let's recall what's going on:

- He says your his number one, but doesn't treat you that way

- You feel neglected and have already mentioned it to him

- Your in love with him.

Your booty blind.

Think of it - why the hell would he treat you wonderfully and undeniably - then move up there to be close to you, only to ignore you and treat you like an outcast? His friends obviously have some influence in his life.. Don't get me wrong, it's great for guys to have buddies, but the whole negativity needs to stop if you guys want things to continue in a positive aspect.

My best advice on achieving a less negative appeal in the relationship: Stop harping on him and just see what he offers freely.. It'll keep you from wasting your energies to force him into doing stuff he otherwise wouldn't do, and it'll also show you his true colors (like if he even thinks about you more than twice a week)..

Love will always have quarrels darling, but you have to learn to compromise; otherwise things just won't work, and I understand your trying to compromise, but he's basically showing that he's unwilling to work with you. You've spoken about your feelings and the same stuff is just happening over and over.. That's like someone stepping on your foot, saying they're sorry, and then doing it again.. How much pain can you take?

Hope it helps,

~ArtistBBoy

[ArtistBboy]

How's the progress? Anything else I can help to clarify?

[luciaa]

Okay. Here's the news- believe it or not, I'm going to be more negative than the guys. Everything was great, but now it isn't. Although you would like to blame his friends, his behavior is his CHOICE. He is moving away and you feel it. First, he started hanging more with them, breaking dates with you, now- he won't even commit to a date to you - " Because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings when he breaks the date?" mmm. Now if that sounds like a load of crap. This guy is losing interest in you. It doesn't mean you aren't still fabulous, it means that he is not as solid as you had hoped.

Now here's the kicker. Talking, asking and crying will not help here. You need to walk away from this guy. Honestly, the only way you may wind up keeping him, is by making him want you and miss you. If you keep talking to him about this, it will only push him away.

Be strong, be smart. I know this seems screwed up, but this is a battle now, and you need to have a battle plan. Stop thinking with your emotions. Believe me, I have been through this dozens of times. Best of luck. xo

[blueeyes1385711]

I agree with Luciaa, this guy it taking you for granted because he knows you are waiting around for him to decide when he wants to spend time with you. He is taking you for granted. Don't make yourself so available. Start living your life, doing your own thing with your friends, go out have some fun. When he sees that your your own women and you are no longer waiting for him to come around, he's going to realize the mess he is making. If you two are ment to be it will work out.

[blueeyes1385711]

I lived this for 10 years, waiting around for my husband to come home, spend time with me make me an important part of his life, and he never did. He went out a partied and spent time with his friends while I sat home, waiting up for him, worring, sad and depressed. I did this for 10 years, I finally stopped living for him and started living for me & even though we are divorced I am so much more happy now. I wish you the best of luck.

[TekHouze]

Listen to the luciaa. Don't put up with the bullsh*t; get out while you can.

[ap1100]

She is correct up until talking about him maybe realizing he's lost a great girl and coming back. If you break it off and he comes back, DON'T take him back. It will only be his emotions and his ego talking and he'll eventually go back to his normal slacker behavior once he knows he has you under this thumb again.

[luciaa]

You know what, I have re read my response, and I am going to agree with ap100. In every class in my life when I have left a guy alone to figure out I was terrific and he did come back to find me, it was just because his EGO was hurting and he wanted to get me in his corner again. Usually that "Corner" still contained a major asshole who didn't deserve me. "Keepers" are guys you don't have to manipulate, or battle with. So much has to do with ego, ours and theirs.

[darlingkate]

The same thing happened to my relationship when I moved in with my boyfriend, similar to your boyfriend moving to be closer to you. But let me give you one piece of advice. A lot of people will tell you to talk about your feelings and simply let him know what bothers you in a calm, non accusatory manner. This will not work. Men are different from women, they don't respond to words, they respond to NO CONTACT. Simply pull away, don't be always available to him. Be out and doing stuff that makes you happy. He will notice you making less and less time for him and wonder what he did wrong to create that distance between you. Listen to me: if he ever calls you to do something last minute, even if you're free, pretend you're not. Either he gives you a couple day's notice, or you have no plans. He may act aloof at first, but trust me, it'll get him back to his best behavior in no time...remember...you have a life outside of him, you're not running to pick up the phone, you make him wait for you, and if he doesn't respect your time, he doesn't get to see you. It'll wake him up big time.

[ap1100]

This is manipulative and silly. The answer isn't to have "NO CONTACT", it's to end the relationship. Don't play some stupid game hoping he comes back to you crying. You'll be disappointed. (I know this first hand) Plenty of men respond to having reasonable conversations. If they don't, just move on.

[23tdmoss]

This is true.....so very true

[toulouse]

He 'acted' perfect now he's acting like himself., You are not liking the real him. He wasn't liking the way you want him to be. You both either compromise or move on. You can't change him anymore than he can change who you want him to be.btw PROBLEM things are not perfect because someone is acting exactly as you wish. This doesn't exist. That was a break down in waiting to happen. Its suffocating just hearing you call a person perfect.No one is ever going to be a 10. Its life. Life is not perfect.

[Anonymous]

I gotta be honest - I stopped reading about halfway through your question, but I think you rushed it. You're talking seriously about your future, and you've only been together a little over a year. I think it's much too soon for that.

I figure if you wanna get married, the two of you have your whole lives ahead of you to do that. What's the rush?

Also, something to consider - I've been with my boyfriend almost five years now, and let me tell you that at one year you still have a lot to learn about that person.

[SilverFox135]

Maybe you should read the rest of the question... then reanswer

[Asker]

Talking about the future wasn't the problem. If you would have read the rest of the question you would have known.Tons of people get married within a year or two years. Lots of people move in just after a few months. Everyone moves at different paces, just because you and your boyfriend move slower then we did doesn't mean were wrong. And we werent talking about getting married anytime soon, we were just talking about our future in general. But thanks for the advice anyway.

[Opinion Owner]

I didn't thoroughly read the rest, but I read enough to get the picture. I stand by what I said. And just to clarify, I didn't say you were wrong - just that I don't think it's smart.

It's also not totally about when you plan to get married - I think just that you two have brought it up is too much. And maybe I'm making too big of a deal about it, but your question makes it sound like the convo about marriage and his moving close to you were connected.

[Opinion Owner]

"We began to seriously discuss our future. He wanted to get married someday/have kids/ect. And actually decided to move up to Austin where I live, just to be closer to me."

You also state you were discussing "OUR future." So which is it, were you discussing the future of you two? Or just the future in general? Because your question and your comment contradict each other.

[Asker]

No, they weren't at all. And we were talking about OUR future in GENERAL. We weren't talking about getting married and having kids in a year or two. More like, 'I can see us being together someday, and getting married.'

We were both on the same page up until he moved up and things changed.

I discussed the fact that we were talking about the future to show how serious our relationship was.

[ap1100]

I disagree. You can know someone relatively well after a year if you are spending lots of time together and talking on a daily basis. Plenty of people I know have gotten engaged after 12-18 months and seem to be doing fine years later. To me, it's the guys who date you for year after year after year, afraid to commit, that will eventually find a reason to not commit because it's so easy being noncommital. Is that what you want? Do you want to be his free booty call while he wastes years?

[Tamikaze]

I think he has truly become very comfortable with you and is taking you for granted. You may not need to completely break it off with him, but you do need to re-prioritize your life and focus on yourself, friends and family and leave him as very much a side deal. The point is that you cannot just sit around waiting for him to wake-up and change his attitude but you may not be quite ready to tell him it's over. I realize this is difficult advice and usually it is easier to change up your life after you have ended and grieved the loss of a relationship, but it is essential that you find other ways to fulfill yourself or you should just end it with him.

[Guacamole]

The relationship has evolved - or, to your mind, devolved. In other words, the honeymoon phase where the other person is PERFECT (that's how you know it's the honeymoon phase -- he/she seems perfect and you think "this is the person I want to spend every second with for the rest of my life) is over.

From what you write, it seems you are now much more emotionally invested in this relationship than he is. That's not good, because he will probably continue his recent behavior and you won't like it any more than you do now. I wish you luck, but I'd say the prognosis is lousy.

[jimi_s]

I think he is a bit of a push-over who got influenced by the jealous friends. I think his so called friends are jealous of the fact that he has a girlfriend and they don't. People do that especially boys in your age bracket. I know because I was one a teenager. A real asshole at it too! Anyway, my advise is to show him ArtistBoy's answer yo your question to him so that he know that it is not just you that think that he has made a grave mistake but everyone else with the right mind. He need to see that his friends are not really friends. Sometimes it takes a while to do so. Even the old farts like me...

[Anonymous]

well I started having a problem sort of like this? I felt like the guy wanted to not hang out much with me. So I just said to him, fine be that way. I will not ask you out anymore. I will not care to do anything with you. We can be together, but I will just go find other friends to hang out with. Now this is because he just wants to be lazy and stay home all day. It's not due to drugs and not due to his friends or going out too much. I would have a problem with that stuff. Just let him know you need him to tone it down or he isn't for you.

[Bluemonk]

"I know speaking to him about it doesn't work, I've tried many times."

This pretty much tells me you should break up with him, not that nothing else supports that idea lol.

Its just that open/honest communication are key to keeping a relationship healthy. If he's treating you like crap and purely unwilling to try and solve the problems the relationship has, then he/the relationship is no longer worth your energy.

[browolf]

It's a shame for sure, that he's allowed peer pressure to negatively influence and ruin a good thing. You should certainly break up as love isn't enough by itself. The whole calling you last minute thing is ridiculously unreasonable.

[sunwolf94]

I'm really sorry, but he's not the person you fell in love with. He's been influenced by the alcohol and the friends. He's not him.

I think it's best if you move on before you get too hurt. There are better guys out there. I promise.

[girloncue]

he's going down a crappy track. it's time to get rid of him or have a bunch of his old friends and you give him an intervention. either way I would pick leaving him.

[thtguy]

Give it to him straight. tell, him that he needs to chose, it may be hard, but tell him that if he can't spend time with you and mean it, then you are gone. Don't make it mean or angry, but be clear and firm. Remind him of how it was and how you wanted it to be, just plant those seeds, and let them grow. He listens more than you think, but you have to tell him to cut the crap.

[Anonymous]

it seems your allowing him to walk all over you he knows how you about him...does he feels the same way about you..don't continue to be his doormat ..you deserve to be love and appreciated.

[kikibaby]

Start distancing yourself from him