Why won’t my guy friend take the hint that I will never hang out with him?

[Anonymous]

[JScofield]

If you don't ever want to hang out with someone, you're not friends. You just want someone to exchange text messages with? I honestly don't understand why that would be appealing. At least with someone I don't know all that well.

I can't know what your exchanges are like with him but is he a good guy? If so, telling him in person would make all the difference, believe me.

In the meantime, you definitely are leading him on, if you just don't respond to his proclamation of "like". He may not want to be just "text buddies", I know I wouldn't. The after midnight text you mentioned probably screwed with his head. Let him down gently but make sure he understands then let the man get on with his life if he wants more than you're willing to give.

[Asker]

He doesn’t want to date me, he just doesn’t want to be a text buddy. He probably wants to fuck. Our interactions aren’t flirtatious. I simply check on him and that’s it. He is saying you want to be friends yet you don’t want to hang out and that makes no sense

[Anonymous]

Because men do not like to play guessing games; if you want him to hear you, you must speak plainly and directly to him.

[Asker]

We’ve been friends for years. This is a special situation. I think he is interested in me and I don’t feel the same. I strictly want to be friends. That is why I won’t hang out.

[Opinion Owner]

I've looked further down the chat at other things that you've said im sorry but things like this: 'I risk him not talking to me anymore if I be direct' are just not OK.

If he is only in your life because he wants to be more than friends and you know thats not going to happen but won't tell him that because you want to be able to continue to extract whatever value you get out of effectively stringing him along, you're an asshole.

Just be honest and if he doesn't want to be part of your life on your term then you have to accept that.

[Asker]

I told him I want to be friends and nothing else. I told him I don’t want to lead him on. That is why I won’t hang out. He said he doesn’t want to date me. All of this Comes from him not wanting to be a text buddy. He wants more in a sense of meeting up and spending time together in person

[Opinion Owner]

Seems to me that neither of you are being honest.

You are probably right that he wants more than friendship but you don't want friendship, you want a penpal.
You have made it perfectly clear repeatedly in this thread that you do not tell him the truth because you don't think he will continue to give you what you currently get out of whatever this is if you are clear, so however you want to define this the fact remains that you are using this guy.

You are not friends.

You lie to him, you say things like maybe next week knowing full well you have no intention of following through with that.

I think the truth is that he wants to be more than friends and you like using him as an emotional tampon so that you can fuck guys who don't give a shit about you.

There is nothing OK about any of that.

[Asker]

How am I using him? He just wants to get in my pants and I won’t let him. Why would I go near him if that is his intentions. I don’t text him all the time and I don’t talk about other guys to him so I’m definitely not using me. We are friends. I invested three years in this situation. All the issues and fall outs and we always end up back connected. I don’t owe him anything and you and him are making it seem that way

[Opinion Owner]

Because you fucking LIE omg you have said as much.

[Opinion Owner]

Quote: If I give him a straight answer there is little chance he will continue to talk to me

[Asker]

I said that the wrong way. I meant to say if I was honest it would hurt him and he won’t talk to me. Anyway I am right in this situation?

[Opinion Owner]

Jesus Christ.

Right?

No you are not right, you are a fucking sociopath.

You aren't looking for advice on how to make yourself understood , you know perfectly well how to do that and have had many opportunities to do so.

You deliberately do not do that because you do not want to lose what you get from this guy.

You aren't trying to save his feelings, you don't do it because of what you fear it might cost YOU.

What you came here looking for were tips for how you can more effectively and efficiently exploit this guy; how can you continue to extract value but put less effort into doing it.

[Asker]

I don’t use this guy for anything. The only thing he provides is attention and I could get that from other places so obviously I care about the guy.

[Opinion Owner]

Mental gymnastics..

Do you not even see that you just completely ignore the fact that you lie to this guy constantly in order to get what you want?

[Asker]

You keep saying lying to get what I want, I don’t want nothing from him. You are making it seem like I have to do what he wants. I told him I’m only interested in friendship and if he doesn’t understand that then I don’t know what else I can do.

[Opinion Owner]

At no time have I ever said anything to suggest that you should do what he wants.

What I said is that you should tell him the truth.

Don't try and lie to me because it isn't going to work, if you didn't get anything out of it it wouldn't matter if he stopped talking to you.

But it does matter.

[Asker]

It honestly doesn’t matter if we talk because we haven’t the last 4 months. He blasted me so I guess he got fed up. He is completely wrong for doing that

[Opinion Owner]

So if it doesn't matter and you haven't spoken for 4 months, why are we having this conversation? Why did you post the question?

Oh he blasted you did he?

You think that maybe he had enough of you lying to him?

What a surprise.

But yet you think this is somehow his fault?

Its 100% your fault.

[Asker]

He is upset I won’t date him. Clearly he likes me. Why else would he bring up about being the only guy there for me? Why would he talk about how he was only good enough to listen to my problems? Why would he bring up how I use to text him after midnight saying I’m thinking about you? If he was a friend it shouldn’t matter if I did that. He was just plotting to win me over

[Opinion Owner]

Are actually mad or are you just such a narcissit that you can't bring yourself to see the truth of what you do?

I already knew what you had been doing and you said you didn't get anything out of it and weren't using him and its right in front of you how you have been telling him how you are thinking about him late, missing him presumably in bed and how he is the guy who is there for you, being used as an emotional tampon listening to your problems.

[Asker]

We have never slept together and I only told him I was thinking about him after midnight one time. So you are telling me it is wrong to tell my friend I’m thinking about him? Also I stopped talking to him about my problems because I didn’t want to use him like that. It is a problem that he would throw it in my face that he was the only guy there me. Friends don’t do that. I acknowledge that I made mistakes but we are not gonna make me out to be the bad person. That is exactly what he did

[Opinion Owner]

You are so manipulative.

You are not fucking stupid so im not going to waste my time explaining what you already know.

You want to talk about what friends don't do, ok let's put the focus firmly back on you, where it belongs; friends don't fucking lie and manipulate in order to get what they want.

[Asker]

You keep saying i lied but I clearly told you and him I’m only interested in friendship. I can’t get more direct than that. How is it manipulating and trying to get what I want if I genuinely was constantly checking on him. He agreed to be friends so I was being a friend

[Opinion Owner]

Look this is just going around in circles, you either understand what I am saying to you and are hoping to eventually break me, you won't by the way, hoping I will validate your behaviour or you are so invested in lying to yourself to avoid responsibility for your actions that you can't see what is right in front of your eyes literally in black and white.

[Asker]

I take accountability for my actions. I just know he is wrong in this situation. He wasn’t honest and he has ulterior motives to get in my pants. I spotted that so I’m not wrong

[Opinion Owner]

No, it doesn't matter what he has or hasn't done, that has nothing what so ever to do with you and your actions.
You have explicitly stated that you lie to him.

[Asker]

I’m done. I expected you to take this side because you are a guy

[Opinion Owner]

No, you are running away because I am forcing you to accept a truth that you can't cope with. I haven't taken his side at all.

[Asker]

Yes the truth is he doesn’t want friendship

[Opinion Owner]

See what you are doing? You are back to trying to blame on him just like you tried to put blame on me just now. Anything to avoid looking at yourself.

[Anonymous]

hope springs eternal. He probably has a crush on you. Either "woman up" and tell him you're not interested or get used to turning him down for a few years until he tires of it.

[Asker]

We’ve been friends for years. This is a special situation. I think he is interested in me and I don’t feel the same. I strictly want to be friends. That is why I won’t hang out.

[myhaiva]

A friend is someone you would hang out with. Simply tell you "acquaintance" that you won't ever hang out with him. Being direct is probably harsh, but I'd prefer it to "hints". At least I know the real thing.

[Asker]

We text all the time so we are definitely friends. I keep rejecting his advances to hang out so that is what I meant by not taking the hint

[myhaiva]

Are you giving excuses like "I can't today" or are you saying "No, I like texting to you, but I don't want to hang out"?

[Asker]

Sometimes I ignore it. Other times I say I can’t today let’s do it next week but it never happens

[myhaiva]

And there's the problem. Very few guys will take the hint. He's holding on fragments of hopes shattered over and over.

Give him a straight answer.

[Asker]

If I give him a straight answer there is little chance he will continue to talk to me

[myhaiva]

I've recently given up on someone like you 😂 I'm still not sure if she was giving excuses or not. I simply told her "look you know I wanna hang out. If you ever want to hang out, at that point, just tell me when. I'll keep on texting you, but I'm done trying."

In any case, unless he realizes by himself that he's wasn't time and energy, you'll have to give him a straight answer or keep leading him on.

[Asker]

I think he’s at his tipping point. He gets frustrated and says things because he doesn’t understand why I’m texting him if I’m not interested in anything? He sees it as I’m just using him for attention

[myhaiva]

What do you expect from him exactly? Can you answer that?

[myhaiva]

Would be much easier if you pmed me directly, I'd get a notification when you answer. But we can keep going here 😂

[Asker]

I don’t expect him to say things as if I owe him something.
Inbox me I’ll follow you
Username: wondagurl

[myhaiva]

I don't know how to add people by username 😂 I can't find the tab

[Asker]

I followed you

[myhaiva]

Yeah, you should be able to message me now 😂

[Gavilar1]

Women's hints are the worst for men, similar to a rubiks cube

[Asker]

It’s so obvious though. I told him you only think we are not friends because we don’t hang out together

[Gavilar1]

Just tell him the truth, and be direct. No phrasing or hints just honest direct response

[Asker]

I risk him not talking to me anymore if I be direct

[Gavilar1]

Do it, if he's a man then it won't hurt him
I asked a friend out and we still talk and hangout

[Asker]

I’m sure it won’t hurt him but he wouldn’t want to talk to me if I don’t want to hang out. He doesn’t want to be a text buddy

[jkm1864]

Well stop calling Him Your friend He is not He is an acquaintance.

[Asker]

We aren’t friends because we don’t hang out? For what it’s worth acquaintances hang out to

[Don-_-Don]

Why can't you just straight up tell him that you just don't want to hang out.

[Asker]

I don’t know. I feel the friendship will be done if I do that

[Don-_-Don]

That's just the price to pay for honesty. Besides, if you don't even want to hang out with him it doesn't really sound like y'all friendship has much value.

[Asker]

This friendship has value. We text a lot

[Don-_-Don]

I see, you're right in that case, it does have value. I still recommend with you be upfront with him about you not wanting to hang out in person, because what if he really hopes to hang out on day? The more y all talk the more he's going to waby to hang out. For his sake I think it would be best to just let him know if he's not getting the hints.

[Don-_-Don]

Sorry for bad grammer, I text fast and don't stop to fix mistakes🤦.

[Asker]

Sure I will tell him. He definitely wants to hang out. We’ve been friends for 3 years and I haven’t hanged out with him once

[Anonymous]

Because you keep conflicting it by calling him your friend. Is he your friend or is he just a guy you know? You don't typically avoid friends.

[Asker]

We’ve been friends for years. This is a special situation. I think he is interested in me and I don’t feel the same. I strictly want to be friends. That is why I won’t hang out.

[xkforcesc]

Have you tried I don't know actually telling him instead of hoping he decrypted the elaborate hyroglyph cypher you chiseled into his toilet bowel?

[Asker]

I told him I only want friendship but he wants to hang out

[xkforcesc]

You need to tell him that. You know what you've already tried does not work.

[Asker]

I already did. He said if I really wanted friendship I would want to hang out

[xkforcesc]

You call him a friend but that doesn't seem to be the right word for what you want out of this. Not everyone has to be a friend. It is perfectly ok to be acquaintances and treat it as such.

[Asker]

How Would I treat him as an acquaintance?

[xkforcesc]

Surely you've met people that you don't consider one of your friends? How do you treat them?

[Asker]

I text him not all the time so we are at least friends

[xkforcesc]

Talking to someone isn't the same as being their friend.

[Asker]

I guess we are acquaintances. I told him we are just friends

[asshole_]

Then you're not friends at all

LEAVE HIM ALONE

[Asker]

Why would I hang out with him if all that will do is lead him on?

[asshole_]

Exactly!

[Asker]

Exactly what?

[asshole_]

You just proved my point

[Asker]

I didn’t actually. He said he liked me so it is best to avoid That. It doesn’t mean we can’t be friends and text

[asshole_]

Nope

Guys and girls can't be "just friends"

I GUARAN FUCKING TEE IT

[Asker]

I see you say this everywhere but I’ve yet to see you say why.

[asshole_]

I shouldn't need to

It's pretty self explanatory

[Asker]

It’s not because all guys aren’t just thinking about sex

[asshole_]

Of course they are

[Asker]

Every guy is just waiting for a opportunity to fuck?

[asshole_]

Pretty much

[Anonymous]

guys can't be friends its not in our DNA. avoid this guy or just keep rejecting him.

[Asker]

That maybe true but I text him as a friend and I don’t know his intentions

[JaneDoe377]

Just say "I DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU."

[Asker]

Then he won’t be my friend anymore

[JaneDoe377]

Is he really your friend if you don't want to spend time together? 🤔

[Asker]

I don’t want to give him any idea or lead him on so I won’t hang out

[JaneDoe377]

Ok. In my experience, I enjoy hanging out with my friends. Sometimes sexual things happen with people. I mean do what you want, obviously, im just a fan of clear communication

[Asker]

So I should hang out with the guy? That is what he wants

[JaneDoe377]

Well if you want to then yes

[Asker]

He feels if I’m not interested in hanging out why text? He doesn’t the point in that

[JaneDoe377]

So he's only interested in being more than friends? If that's the case, I guess you need to decide if you want to be brutally honest with him about your feelings. It may hurt him but it's better than him always thinking he has a chance, if he doesn't.

[Asker]

It’s not about him wanting more than friendship. He doesn’t feel like it is a friendship because I keep everything to text. Basically he doesn’t want to be a text buddy

[JaneDoe377]

Ahh I see. Well I don't know. If it was me I'd just quit texting. But not sure that will help you

[Asker]

I think the situation will end if I stop texting

[rudramishra]

I assume he is in one sided love I Guess 😂😂

[Asker]

Not really. He said he didn’t want to date

[rudramishra]

Why would he admit it

If this is the condition then he might is scared of loosing you as a friend as he might be thinking that you both are just friends only nothing more than that

[Asker]

I think he admitted it because I was acting awkward and bitchy

[rudramishra]

I didn't know how a girl react as bitchy

by the way what do you do if he expressed his love for you

[Asker]

He didn’t express love for me, he said I like you

[rudramishra]

Actually boys do not know how to express his love to her girlfriend

As it's my personal experience and that can lead to break-up also as it happened to me

Personal advise don't leave him ever as boys don't know how to express their love

[CharlieDMX]

he's not a friend

[Asker]

How is he not a friend?

[CharlieDMX]

You don't want to hang out with him. Obviously he's not your friend.

Be direct with him. Tell it to his face and move on

[Asker]

I won’t hang out so I can’t tell it to his face, I told him through text