Overly clingy and emotional, grounds for breakup?!

[Anonymous]

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 months now. He treats me really well. He's one of the nicest most genuine guys I've met in a while. Or maybe I've just been dating one loser of another. However I'm a pretty tolerant person, and definitely a tolerant girlfriend. I am also a bit of a tomboy -- I'm independent, NOT clingy, do my own thing, etc. I'm not emotional or expressive. That's just my nature. But he's very much the opposite. Even our friends can see that he's the "girl" in the relationship! Most guys would be mad at that comment but he seems to like it!

When things started off, it immediately became very intense. I've already met his family and friends, and he has met mine. There is one thing I appreciate a lot about him which is that he treats my family really well. But as for the 2 of us, I don't feel we have very much in common. He's the 'safe' guy, he doesn't take risks, not much sense of adventure, etc. Meanwhile I love traveling, I want to try new things, I want to DO stuff! (He is a homebody generally content with staying at home watching a movie) We haven't gone on a real date in months.

Now I feel like there are 2 routes I can take -- I can tell him how I feel and try to change the guy, or I can just break it off sooner or later. He basically tell me that he'd NEVER break up with me, and that I was his SOULMATE. Wow. He is willing to do whatever I ask. If I want to go out, he'll take me out. But I feel like I'm dragging him out, I wish he'd like some of the things I suggest. He is always happy and nothing ever upsets him. Sometimes I wish I was able to see the real him.

Anyway, he is a really good guy -- but is he the guy for me?

Updates

+1 y

wow, so this is quite the response!

Yes I realize that we are very different people. But I'm just wondering if it's me and I didn't give him enough of a chance. Maybe it's me because I can't seem to keep a guy for more than 6 months. I want to give him a chance and not be petty. There are qualities that I DO like about him -- he's a positive person, and I'm usually cynical by nature. I think it does me some good to have someone like that in my life. But I'm just not sure if that's enough.

Updates

+1 y

I have expressed my frustrations so now he understands that I need my space. I told him he should have his too, and he agrees. He *is* a very emotional person, and that isn't going to change. I told him that I'm not, and he's aware of that too. None of the things I mentioned are dealbreakers when I weigh the pros/cons. I may need to work on my patience, my last long term rel'n was 5 years ago. He's a great guy and I'd be giving up a lot if I called it quits. I'm willing to try.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever talked to him about this before?

I'm in my early 20's but I had a boyfriend a lot like this a while back. It was painfully similar to your situation over all. He was emotional, affectionate, always called me first, wanted to meet my parents and got upset when I told him it wasn't going to happen because they refuse to meet anyone I'm not engaged to, said "I love you" wayyyy before the thought entered my mind and it just went down hill from there. I learned to love him as a PERSON more or less, but never as a boyfriend and admittedly, I was HAPPY when we broke it off. I even tried to force myself to love him for a time because it hurt me to see him hurt when I couldn't make myself say "I love you" back, and let me tell you, that does NOT work. It makes you feel fake, like a liar and like you're slowly suffocating and betraying both yourself and the other person with the deception.

Talk to him about this, in the most delicate way possible. See how he reacts. If you think there is hope for mending things, that maybe this is a lot of miscommunication, then try it, it sounds like he is a great man and I think you're right for having second thoughts about just ending things. Maybe he's been holding things in too. But if not, then don't feel guilty about ending things, marrying a man you do not love will be a mistake you both will probably end up regretting.

[Asker]

You're right, he's a great person. Your situation sounds like mine except I'm 29. Priorities are different when I get into my 30s. He has told me time and time again that he's willing to do whatever it takes to make me happy because I'm his girl. But if I express any doubt, he's willing to leave me alone, case closed. And yes, I do need to talk to him, but he hates 'talking', he hates confrontation.

I thought I loved him but maybe with these doubts, I really don't. But he's not my soulmate.

[Odin1793]

I think you should grow up - he's not your soul mate ? Look, soul mates don't exist, rather it's just a question that you find someone as compatible as you can, but there's absolutely zero guarantee that someone ultra compatible will turn up - which is why people settle. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship mind you if he wants to see you 24/7. You do sound immature tho, and one who thinks life is all about frivolity, and travel and adventure.

[Opinion Owner]

You were really helpful there, Odin. I'm sure there was a way you could have said that without belittling her.

[Anonymous]

IF you want to try new things, drag him along, maybe he has lived a life where he didn't go out much and did stuff so why he is like that, maybe he will grow to enjoy it.. If he complains and be negative about it, then that is where I would be concerned he is not right.. but if he is willing to do something crazy and just give things a shot, then I don't think it is a lost cause. Definitely continue communication, he may go away reassess things, you are willing to try, but he has to be willing to try to compromise his safety zone. If you want to go traveling and he just don't want to leave at all any time in the future and won't compromise then do you want to be tied down like that? you will suffocate.. you should discuss where you see yourselves in the future and decide.,

[AmberChick]

I think if you break up with him you will really regret it. Not saying that you should stay with him if you are unhappy. Just that you may not find such a sweet guy after this, and it will take you longer to find one... and you will be looking, believe me. So, I agree with best answer. You should talk to him. If you don't do anything, at least do that, so he knows what you're thinking and can decide whether or not you guys are compatible. He sounds like the kind of guy who is good for settling down with; if you don't want that right now, then let him know.

[Waggaman]

Hi there, firstly I would like to say that no-one on here will give the 100% correct answer. Only you can decide. I can, however give you my spin on things given that I'm in a similar situation to you.

I'm a risk taker and a fun seeker. I started my own business last year while having two kids and another on the way... very risky indeed when I left a $110,000 a year job to do so. My partner is the opposite. Very safe and also would prefer to sit in front of the TV rather than go out and meet some people.

Over the years it has been a source of a lot of frustration for me, however, on the flip side she is the ying to my yang. She offers a perspective that I wouldn't even consider and on a number of occasions they have turned out to be correct. I'm the type of person who will go and try something and work out how I'm going to do it while I'm doing it. She is they type of person who wants to know everything before she takes her first step.

Listening to her has stopped me from making some bad mistakes, even though I was really frustrated at the time. Now we go through every major decision together and find a balance.

That's what you need to find with your man, your balance. You will always be different from each other, what you need to work on is making those differences compliment each other.

[Asker]

This speaks very true to how we are. In being the opposite of how I am, he keeps me honest. I guess one could say that I like to cut corners sometimes (i.e. not putting money in the parking meter for a 5min stop) but he isn't the type to do that. This trait has gotten me out of trouble a few times. I also try to bring him out of his comfort zone to try something new. I guess I like the way we complement each other. It's good to see that something like that could work, even if it ain't easy!

[Waggaman]

A wise man once told me "anything worthwhile is neither easy nor fast". Work on it, put the effort in and the rewards will be there.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

[Anonymous]

You MUST tell him the things you wrote in this question. You have to tell him. You owe him this much. He deserves the opportunity to "change or get "fixed" Label it anyway you want. But if you break up with him, you're gonna break a nice guys heart. And a guy who doesn't only treat you well, but even your family. He's into you so much and you're lucky to have a guy like that. This is the real stuff. The other stuff you wrote is something that can easily be changed. Tell the poor guy. Give him a shot is love, don't just end it. I hope you listen to my advice. Cos, if you do dump him, you ain't ever gonna talk to him again, because he won't want anything to do with you. And you will miss him...a lot.

[Wowz1]

I completely agree. I am a lot like this guy, and I'd want you to be honest with me, because then at least we could discuss our feelings about the relationship and either find ways to make it better and stronger or break it off mutually and respectably. You owe that much to him. If he really is as much like me as I think he is, then that honesty will mean more to him than you can imagine.

[Opinion Owner]

yeah. and just look what she wrote:

"he treats me really well. He's one of the nicest most genuine guys I've met in a while"

[Opinion Owner]

communication is the key. communicate

[shyguy007]

You are clearly over this relationship. He sounds really boring and extremely clingy. Its only a matter of time before cute turns to annoying and nice to irritating. There is more to loving someone then just have them treat you well. Yes it is a key factor that there be respect, appreciation and acknowledgment on both sides. This guy obviously likes you more than you like him so end it before he becomes attached. Its important in a healthy relationship that one person doesn't see them self as more important than the other in the relationship. There are millions of guys that treat women well but its very rare to find someone who actually changes your life. You said yourself his a 'safe guy' you only hang on to him because you think you won't find someone who treats you better but this couldn't be further from the truth. I just broke up with a girl who had the same character as your boyfriend. I didn't see a future with her, she was boring, we didn't have anything in common and it just wouldn't have been fair of me to lead her on, she was a good girl treated me well but far from being soul mate material.

Relationships come and go and you have to take the experiences from each to better prepare for the next. Be honest with yourself, you don't love this guy.

The facts:

1. He doesn't make an effort to take you on dates.

2. You practically have to beg him to take you out.

3. He is willing to do anything you say and isn't adventurous like you therefore he doesn't

challenge you.

4. He is clingy and is proud to be the girl in the relationship. WTF!?

5.The relationship got serious (intense) right at the beginning.WTF!?

My question is where is the FUN in this relationship? like enjoying each others personalities, common interests and shared ambitions?

[_Karma]

I could not agree more with this.

[Odin1793]

All in all, you sound restless and immature for your age. Judging by your dating history that you mention, you're restless and a harsh judge of boyfriends and you may never be happy with any guy as you do sound like the kind of woman who's on the lookout for Mr. Perfect. I think maybe you're the type who wants life to be endlessly exciting and adventurous, which is indicative of a self obsessed and immature attitude. Let me tell you, real life is not like that, lots of the time it's just plain hum drum, about working and surviving, and there's nothing wrong with that. Let me also tell you that relationships are not endlessly exciting either, they're hard work if they're to last, and often very difficult.

That said this guy does sound like a girlie man, and way over clingy. Him wanting to spend 24/7 with you does not sound like a healthy relationship at all. But for a woman getting towards her 30s, at that stage you have to think about choosing - you can either have the independent lifestyle with lots of travel etc., or you can start to think about settling down to the marriage and family stuff - with the right guy of course - but you can't have both things at the same time. So by all means seek out a guy who's more suitable for you than this guy, but at the same time be aware there are no guarantees that a Mr. Perfect type will just turn up out of nowhere. If you wanted the marriage and family thing, you might have to settle for someone who's less than perfect in the next few years given you're approaching 30 now. Be realistic about your expectations of men - in reality being swept off your feet by some stunning, Mr. Absolutely Perfect rom com style doesn't happen in real life.

[Rockinroller]

You call her restless and immature, then go ahead and say that he sounds girlie and clingy? One unfortunately common misperception is that you have to settle and get with someone who you're bored with if they're a nice person. That goes with another misperception that says anyone who disagrees is looking for someone perfect. The truth is, this guy is needy and boring, and EVERYONE can, and ought to find someone who really makes them excited and is on an even level with them in security.

[Rockinroller]

My sister had a situation almost identical to this one recently. The thing is, he's boring to you. You've said through your two routes that staying with him as he is is not an option. Well, neither is changing him. He wants to be cuddled, he wants to have a mother instead of a girlfriend. If you've met his mother, ask yourself, does she wear the pants in his family? He probably grew up with that weak image of manhood imprinted in him. He might change someday, but only if he goes off alone. It will be impossible for him to change while he's in a relationship and he's "the girl" (you'd be surprised with how many guys actually are comfortable with this diagnosis...the guys who do want to be led and be the girl in the relationship.) So hopefully he'll find a nice domineering woman who likes to be in charge somewhere down the line, but he really only leaves you route left. Leave him, sooner or later, so you can enjoy the company and companionship of a man who takes care of you and treats you like a desirable, feminine woman.

[Guytalks]

What do you want in a man? Do you even know what you're after? You said you are close to 30, it's about time you know what type of guy you want, seriously!

You said you never had a relationship that lasted more than 6 months and I'm guessing you had guys that were completely different than him. Do you think anybody can even please you?

You said you have a cynical nature? That's awful, cynical? To me it means you are a negative person, no wonder you can't seem to be happy in a relationship if it's always about you, never about you and your partner as a unit. I think you need to grow up, and fast.

Make up your mind. Not just for you, but for him too. No point wasting his time. As you read here, other girls would be delighted to talk to him.

[ericneo]

Wait so you like him but not even to be with him unless he changes who he is just for you? This is one of the most stupid things I have ever read, and is most likely why you can't seem to keep a guy for more than 6 months.

You get used to the guy then want him to change who he is as a person by the sounds of it. Guys will not change to be something that their not plain and simple.

If you cannot grasp that and that this guy wants to be in a comfortable stress free relationship with you while you want an adventurous lifestyle then the two of you should cut your losses now and break up and go your seperate ways, as you'll just start having a negative effect on each other.

[Asker]

I don't want to change him, that's the thing. I'd rather him be himself with me, but unfortunately that demonstrates our incompatibilities as people. Maybe I don't know what I want in a guy, but one thing I do know is that starting fresh in a new city excites me. I don't plan on doing this long-term, but I just want the experience. But if he can't grasp that concept, then perhaps we aren't a match.

I don't ever want a guy to change for me, but maybe I can't seem to have a relationship either.

[ericneo]

Oh really then what's this :

"Now I feel like there are 2 routes I can take -- I can tell him how I feel and try to change the guy, or I can just break it off sooner or later."

By the sounds of it you already don't like him anymore and you have no plans to stay with him long-term so why keep him when there are others who will accept him for who he is and be happy about it.

[Yeahhbro]

Well weigh in the good and the bad. You can't just leave him because things may be boring. The guy seems to be a good boyfriend overall and you have said it yourself, he may be obsessive though... he doesn't seem to have much experience with the girls as I can see lol. Like I said he might be obsessive, but he is save, a good boyfriend, he won't cheat on you and the like. Think further on the relationship when these things seem to be more important than just the heat of the moment. Plus I think we time he will mellow down trust me about this. Also just tell him straight up and tell him what you want, don't keep it to yourself, because he may think that what he is doing is right because he doesn't know any better.

[mbounds]

tell him to be a man. tell him it feels like you have another girlfriend instead of a man. definitely a little strange he would accept the he's the girl in the relationship comment. This guy the video games all day type? what does he do? I don't really know enough to give you a great answer. but trying to find someone with his good qualities isn't the easiest but his bad ones kinda suck. Maybe think about joining some type of league together. Bowling, softball, something really fun. Maybe try and get some friends toghether to go on a camping trip. camping is great

[planetearth]

There is a reason is is clingy you know. A lot has to do with the way you treat him believe it or not. The reason guys are clingy in the first place is because their girl isn't making them feel completely at ease and comfortable. I've been this way and it makes guys insecure as a result. You say you don't show emotion much. He sounds like he's making up for it by trying to get an emotional rise out of you by holding on too tightly.

[Phoenix52]

Probably not the catch you're looking for.

He's definitely the girl in the relationship, and you wear the guy pants. Many relationships manage to deal with this scenario, although it;s ultimately an unhealthy one in the long run.

This is why girls don't go after the 'nice guys'. They go after the jerks who are more interesting and will do the sh*t they want to do.

Despite your age, is this who you just want to settle down with? Search yourself and come up with your own conclusions.

[Asker]

I like nice guys, don't get me wrong. I just like the nice guys who like the things I like!

[devotedlyopinionated]

If you have to come here and ask this, he's not the guy for you. My friend had a boyfriend like this, really acted like the girl and she ended up being so unhappy because he was so obsessed and told her all the time that she was his soul mate because she paid him the attention he needed. Your guy shouldn't be yours, you clearly don't fit opposites don't attract that much. Don't just be with him to spare his feelings, he needs to get the message and you both deserve to find people that suit you!

[Armada]

All these people telling you to break up with him are stupid as f***. Don't listen to them. He sounds like he really cares about you. Talk to him. He WILL change to keep you. Sounds like someone that will do what it takes to keep you. If he doesn't change to your liking then leave him. If he does then you will be one happy woman. I honestly can not believe the amount of people that are telling you to leave. This is supposed to be an advice forum?!?

[mikewnaz]

i think you need to put up with his clingyness and learn to love that he wants to be there for you. you'll meet jerk after jerk who isn't clingy but twenty years from now you'll want a guy like this guy. he respects your family too. stick with him. answer my latest question please

[LilRedHead]

Perhaps you can do something unusual that's homey? LIke nature things or a carnival, haunted houses, something like that. Don't just break it off because he's not adventurous. Explain what how you feel about the situation and be open and honest. Honesty is best. If after a while you're still not happy with the situation then come to a final conclusion. But give the guy a chance! He sounds like a really nice fella'.

[Diablos]

when I first read it. I thought it said 5 year relationship and then I thought what a huge B%%%%%. then I re-read it and it said 5 months. and then I was like O my bad. lol.

but yea 5 months is a little early for soul mate talk imo. tell him to shape up or move on.

[cutybrittany]

AHHH I have been in this relationship, he broke up with me and then he will say I am the crazy one. I loved him and you need to set some ground rules so be careful. You need to ask yourself that. My ex was a mama's boy and didn't show his true self. and he still is like this

[MachineMan]

To be honest from the way you describe him I don't see you too being very happy together in the LONG run. Opposites attract yes but in things that are compatible, like spontenous with organized, i.e. two attractive qualities, not adventurous and boring.

[probabilist]

sounds like a bind. I broke up with my last girlfriend (and moved out) because she was just too clingy - I couldn't take it anymore. I want someone who can be independent of each other but still enjoy being together. Best of luck in your decision making.

[Anonymous]

Trying to change him wouldn't be fair to you or him.

Cut your losses and break up with him. This relationship doesn't sound like a good fit for you and clearly you aren't happy.

Just be careful that this "really good guy" doesn't turn into a stalker when you end things since he thinks you're the one, his soulmate, etc. You said he's intense and that could be a double-edged sword.

[knowmeyourself]

exactly!

[Asker]

I don't like changing people either. I've told him I needed space. We were seeing each other 5 days a week. In fact we'd be seeing each other 7 days a week if I wasn't busy on the other 2 days. He wants to see me 24/7 so I try to be there for him. But I feel like I've been losing myself because I see him so often.

I told him that I may need to find a job elsewhere because I can't find one now. His first words were, "please! don't go!" + if I did go, he said we're done. He had a l/d are that ended badly

[Opinion Owner]

Sally-Thanks. :)

QA- Definitely not a healthy relationship... You really need to break up for both your sakes and make sure you date someone more independent next time.

[Asker]

Having said all that, I feel like if I had different goals in life, I'd want a guy like him -- Someone who'd never cheat, always be there for me, would want to grow old with me. (If I wanted to start a family that is). I'm 30 this year so I'm starting to think about that other stuff, but at the same time, I've lived in my current city all my life. Things are feeling stagnant and I want a change. I guess I feel torn in my own life's goals, it's just a shame my partner can't share them.

[Opinion Owner]

I understand to think "well, maybe if. . ." but your circumstances and wants out of life are very different right now. Maybe, down the road, you two will reconnect and be in similar places. But as of right now you seem to want different things and aren't compatible because of that. You feel smothered and he feels insecure.

[Quadrophonic84]

Sure, you can break up with him for that. But don't ever complain about not meeting a nice guy who treats you well. Ever.

[jcmrq]

Amen !

[Asailum]

If he's overly clingy and emotional, you don't need to ask anyone if its "ok" to breakup with someone whose weak. Clingy people are naturally repelling, and that's exactly what your feeling. Dump his ass and find someone strong.