My instincts tell me my boyfriend isn't being his true self when it comes to his sexual orientation. What would you do?

[MintyRaspberry]

Hi guys and girls,

I've been in a relationship with a man in his early-30s for the past year. Previously, we dated for a year and then broke up for four months because he said he wasn't over his ex-fiance. He came back to me multiple times to try to work things out, and eventually, after a lot of serious talking, we did. All together, we've been in a relationship for a little over two years.

Since our first month of dating and many times after, I've picked up on body language of his that seems effeminate. Sometimes it's in the way he walks, the way he waves his hand when he talks, and other times it's in his facial expressions. This threw me off but I was so attracted to him early on that I told myself it was no big deal and that maybe I was being judgmental. Since then, I've gotten attached. But still, I keep seeing these things and my instincts tell me he's not the straight man he puts out into the world. Early on, one of my friends told me she thought he was gay after meeting him. Her sister met him months later and thought the same. I found out that a (female) co-worker thought he might be gay after meeting him a few times. When we broke up for four months, my grandmother asked me if he was gay. After we got back together, I found out a male cousin had similar thoughts and is wondering WTH I'm doing.

I love my boyfriend and our sex life has no problems. He's moody here and there, and he's had past emotional issues, including anxiety and depression that he's been treated for.

Typically, he's a sweet, quiet guy when we're out, but whenever we pass by a gay couple, he ALWAYS makes negative comments about them. I've asked why it bothers him and he said it's "wrong."

What do you think and what would you do in this position?

[ChocoBrownieMonster]

Turn up with a dildo attached to you and wear a fake mustache, see how he reacts.

[MintyRaspberry]

I don't think that would help much!

[ChocoBrownieMonster]

Lol it would have him laugh at least 😂

[MintyRaspberry]

At least there's that? :D

[joshtheman]

I think he might be gay or a transgender woman deep down. He just doesn't want to deal with it. That is why he make negative remarks about gay couple when they pass you.

[MintyRaspberry]

Thank you for your reply. I've had the same thoughts. I guess I don't fully understand why he'd want to hide his true self his whole life (if he is secretly gay) while dragging someone else (me) into living his lie, especially in today's world where people of all sexual orientations are accepted (for the most part). It's deeply saddening and painful. My instincts just tell me that's what's going on here and that he doesn't want to admit it to himself. I must mention that he has a queer sibling, and his family is 100% accepting, so that further confuses me. I love him so much and don't want my world turned upside down years down the road if and when he does finally come out. I asked him if he was bisexual once when the discussion came up, and he said no and seemed annoyed that I asked him that. Perhaps I'm overthinking this completely and am being too suspicious, but I completely feel that something is off with him. I'd love to find a caring, sensitive way to further approach this!

[Anonymous]

To be gay means u wanna fuck another man. ‘Effeminate’ gestures don’t make a man gay wtf

[MintyRaspberry]

Thanks for your reply. You're right, and I truly didn't mean to come off as offensive. Apologies if I did. My instincts just won't quit. To go into further detail, I see it in his walk. He has a little hip wiggle to his walk and sometimes he trails an arm slightly behind him. Most times, it's just in his facial expressions. I also get the vibes that his best friend isn't the straight man he pretends to be either, and the two see each other often and my boyfriend rarely brings his friend up unless I ask about him. I also found pink anal toys hidden in a box in my boyfriend's closet. I know that isn't exactly telling, but I thought we were pretty sexually open but he's never told me about those. Sorry if that's TMI, just trying to give more detail! I sense something off in him, like denial, and at first I thought it was just me being a little judgy, but then when people close to me told me they thought he was secretly gay, too, it was surprising. I'm scared of being in a relationship with him for years, only to turn out as one of those women who winds up alone when her significant other/husband finally comes out as gay and leaves her. I love him dearly, so obviously this is weighing heavily on my mind.

[Opinion Owner]

I personally don’t believe that anyone is inherently gay, its a choice that he is making if this is the case. All u can do is be sexy and kinky as fk. If he likes anal play maybe satisfy that for him? Prostate massage?