Why do guys act very interested and then cancel dates without giving a reason?

[ooo31410]

For several months I've been chatting online with a man who lives 2 hours away. During that time we had gaps in connecting until about a month ago when during a long chat he said he thought we had a strong chemistry, but had been cautious with each other and that he wanted to put that and any games aside and do something about it by giving a relationship a try. So we set a date. Due to scheduling conflicts on both sides, our date was set for 4 weeks out. The plan was for him to come to my city, which he readily agreed to do. During the last couple of chats, which he initiated, I commented that it looked like he had gone offline during the chats and he said no he was just invisible. He initiated the final chat with a comment about not having heard from me in a week. The chat was really sweet though. He said he was excited about meeting me and the chat ended very well, including talk of not just our initial date but also future dates. After that last chat I did not contact him for a week because of scheduling issues. The next week I sent him a couple of IMs, but he did not respond immediately as usual. I then sent him an e-mail and it was returned saying the account no longer exists. The service provider told me that he would not receive any IMs once the account was deactivated, but they could not give me the date of deactivation, which is understandable. I was just trying to determine whether he was getting my IMs and not answering them, or whether he was not hearing from me. We had met through an online dating service and I had previously noticed that he had taken his profile down. A few days ago I saw that he had put it back up. Had he not put his profile back up, I would have assumed he had met someone else. In the meantime, I did meet a couple of new men and had dates with them. I sent him an e-mail through the dating site asking whether he still wanted to meet and asked him to call me, because I had other dating options for the night of our date, although I really wanted to go out with Mr. Long Distance. I could see that he read the e-mails the day they were sent. Instead of going ahead and sending an e-mail cancelling the date, he took 2 days to respond. When he did respond he sent me an e-mail which said “This weekend isn’t going to work unfortunately. Let’s chat soon and come up with a time that does” with a smiley face at the end. Luckily for me, I accepted another date for the night we were supposed to meet, so I wasn't home fretting about the situation. He never contacted me again and offered no explanation for disappearing for two weeks which would have turned into disappearing forever but for the online dating site. Still, I admit that I'm pretty crazy about him and miss him a lot. The biggest thing is that I'd like to know what happened. Have I just been played pure and simple? I just want to know.

[GuyAdviceFromGuy]

"He initiated the final chat with a comment about not having heard from me in a week."

--Meaning, he wants to know why it takes so long to hear from you because he likes you.

"After that last chat I did not contact him for a week because of scheduling issues."

--Why would you do such a thing? It's like telling him you are not interested.

"I sent him an e-mail and it was returned saying the account no longer exists."

--If his account remained shut forever and he never contacted you again, that means he found a girl and its not you. However,

"A few days ago I saw that he had put it back up. I sent him an e-mail through the dating site asking whether he still wanted to meet and asked him to call me."

--Which is like saying that you are still interested because you spotted his account reactivation which is hard to do unless you look at his deactivated profile everyday. This is a very clear hint of interest.

"Instead of canceling the date"

--What date?

"He took 2 days to respond. When he did respond he sent me an e-mail which said “This weekend isn’t going to work unfortunately. Let’s chat soon"

--Doesn't mean anything, he could have been busy with work, but if he is reading your emails, then he is still interested. Because if he wasn't he would never read them. And 2 days is an acceptable time to respond, a week isn't.

"I accepted another date for the night we were supposed to meet."

-What the f*** does this even mean? You mean, another date as in another guy? Did you accept some other guys date on the day you were supposed to meet this guy you are questioning me about? Because if that is the case, then you made a really f***ing bad move.

"He never contacted me again and offered no explanation for disappearing for two weeks."

--Something happened that made him feel bad about chasing you, something made him feel like he should stop and he most likely has some ill feelings towards you.

My advice

-Never EVER continue chatting with someone continuously over a dating site for more than a week. You have to progress to personal email, then to texting, then to phone calls then to physical contact.

-Never EVER SPEND more than 2 days contacting someone back if you like them IT SENDS ALL THE WRONG SIGNALS

-Thirdly, you probably lost this guy, unless you can contact him in some way other than a dating site. If he has a number and you have it, you should call. Obviously being blunt on your part won't do you any harm because it was HIM that said lets put "games aside" Which he thinks that you were/are playing during this whole contacting back in forth after a week of hiatus. I don't know what he is going to say, but if he is still available, turn not to f*** up the date and really make an effort to make the date stick. Like call him everyday to keep going over the plan of the date.

Good luck

[ooo31410]

We chatted through IM and personal e-mail right after 1st contact through dating site, but he never asked me for my phone number. Finally he asked me out and we set a date certain. The date was put off for 4 weeks because both of us had scheduling conflicts. I don't have his phone number, but he has mine because I gave it to him & asked him to call me in trying to find out whether he still wanted to meet when he stopped responding to me. I'm off match 6/2, then all contact'll be lost. What shld I do?

[GuyAdviceFromGuy]

Don't close your dating account. Leave it open. He never deactivated his account, he just temporarily disabled it last time. He prob did that agin. IDK. If you have anything other than his dating IM and dating email address, like hotmail or yahoo address, send him a clear and blunt message. If you don't, leave the dating acct open and just sit back and wait. If he never contacts you, then I'm sorry but you have to move on.

[YouKnowThatGuy]

Take two steps back. Take a breath. Now look at the situation. Here's a lot of confusion, mixed signals, wondering, etc. over a guy you haven't even met yet. Now don't get me wrong, I can certainly appreciate good conversation, flirting over an online dating service, and things of that nature. None the less though, this right here is a classic example of too much complication for a situation that doesn't warrant it.

When you started to not hear from him, that was the time to simply let it go and move on. When he took his profile down, that should have been it, case closed. Yes, you had plans, yes you were building chemistry, but all of that is irrelevant unfortunately. You were suppose to meet, you didn't. He did some sketchy things. There are too many fish in the sea as they say, to be worrying about one guy whom you have yet to meet.

Good on you for picking up other dates though instead of putting all your eggs in one basket. Those guys who you actually meet up with and keep to their plans? Those are the guys you should be dedicating questions about, not the sketchy guy who can't seem to give you clear signals whether he is even going to meet you.

Hope that helps a bit. Oh, also for future reference, please break the question up into paragraphs. It's proper writing etiquette for this online business =)

[ooo31410]

Thanks so much for the advice. It helped a lot! I was married for a long time and am new to online dating. I let the physical distance rope me into chatting for hours on end and swapping pictures for several months. Can you tell me about some of the things you found particularly sketchy so that I'll be on the lookout in the future? Thanks again!

[YouKnowThatGuy]

Well for starters I'm REALLY not a fan of internet dating to begin with. I can definitely understand it. Especially when you get older and social settings change (by change I mean bars and such aren't really the place to meet anymore). I think you miss out on a lot with online dating.

Now moving on from that, I think several months is WAY too long to be going without a meeting. A couple solid conversations over the course of a couple weeks is about as much as you should be waiting before

[YouKnowThatGuy]

you go out for coffee at starbucks or something similar. So the fact it was taking so long is an issue. Sure he's two hours away, but trying to build chemistry over the net is bad form for a romantic relationship to be built. Next is when he started to get distant contact wise. Changes in behavior like that, those inconsistencies, they raise red flags.

The big thing was when he stopped responding and discontinued his membership. That right there is the sinking ship. That's where it should have

[YouKnowThatGuy]

ended without question. No more contact, no more conversation. Be glad that somebody who was supposedly so interested in meeting you and thought you had chemistry showed his true colors. He clearly was saying one things while doing another. If you had such great chemistry, and he was actually interested, it probably wouldn't have taken 4 weeks to schedule a meeting to begin with. So when he disappeared like that, it became totally clear, he was taking you for a ride.

[sewfresh]

Yes, he sounds sketchy anyway. I would be grateful if I were you that he took himself out of your life. I tried online dating in the past and I never went months on end with talking to someone before meeting them. We would briefly chat on the phone a few times and then meet (at a public place). People that draw this out for months are usually married or in relationships and using dating services for entertainment.

[ooo31410]

Yeah, he looks nice and normal, but so did Ted Bundy and Scott Petersen! Still, I wish some guys would weigh in! Thanks for your feedback!

[Elisue]

I think you have been played. Maybe he's married and maybe his wife was suspicious, so he deactivated the account. He's being to dishonest and not open, so don't trust this.

[ooo31410]

Thanks for the feedback. I hope he is not married because I was married for 20 years myself and would hate for a man to treat his wife that way. Then again, maybe my ex-husband did the same thing, who knows? Anyway, thanks for your feedback. I really appreciate it. HEY GUYS OUT THERE, DO YOU AGREE?

[Quadrophonic84]

My guess is that he did meet other people, or possibly he wasn't as into you as you might think. I know it's hard, but as someone who has used online dating extensively, my advice is to just focus on other people. He definitely knows how you feel. I don't think he's playing you, this is just part of the cold nature of the medium. What feels like a connection might be nothing. You can't tell since you're not physically with the person. So much communication is nonverbal and people don't realize how little words can mean until something like this happens. This is what happens when there are no nonverbal cues to each other. Blame it on the computers that separate you (that connected you, ironically).

[ooo31410]

What an excellent point - computers both separated and connected! I am new to online dating after being married a long time. When I dated before, you met the person first and it was so much more simple! You are right - so much is nonverbal and I didn't realize how little words can mean until this. His words would give any female the impression that that he was into her. Any further feedback or advice would be greatly, greatly appreciated. Thank you so much!

[Quadrophonic84]

You're welcome. As for further feedback, just think of meeting people online as very shallow until you have actually met in person. You could spend years talking to someone online, even with webcams through Skype, but if it doesn't click for one of you, that person loses interest immediately and leaves the other feeling devastated. Basically anyone you only know through the internet (or on the phone) should be considered more of an "idea for a relationship" rather than the actual relationship.

[AustinMan]

Sorry. He's just not that into you. He had second thoughts and I recommend that you move on. If he shows back up and you want to pursue it, make him come to you and quickly as a token of good faith. Guys like the chase regardless of what they say. Make him invest in you by doing the work for a little while. If you're convinced the thing has legs, then you invest back.

[JusHavinFunInAZ]

Only players and/or wannabes do that... real men do not.