I don’t get this guy’s behaviour? Is he trying to be a friend or not?

[Tubby-123]

really confused at a friends with benefits behaviour. I think he’s keeping me on the back burner just in case his current relationship goes wrong, but I bad for thinking pessimistically. a habit he was helping me with as a friend. (The habit was totally engrained, I didn’t notice until he pointed it out) We where literally friends with benefits for a few weeks, hung out in person once. He then decided to tell me he was going to stop our friends with benefits agreement as he met a girl he wanted to explore a serious relationship with. Which was no problem for me as I couldn’t offer him a committed relationship Since Telling me this, he has spoken to me online pretty much constantly unless he’s been with this girl. I was happy to be regular friends, respect boundaries etc. On his part he has continued to flirt strongly or drop innuendos through out our conversations. When I call him out on the behaviour he tells me he doesn’t know what I’m talking about he’s a good guy. He has stalked me online found out lots about my life, compared to me who doesn’t have the time to do this as I work a busy job. Our conversations tend to be him asking me lots of questions about me and me learning little bits about him. He will tell me he holds his cards close to his chest. He won’t tell me things as small as his girlfriends first name. He told me she’s got a child with another man who she still owns a house with in title. He also told me the other man also comes to pick up his child earlier than agreed and says he still owns the house so comes and goes as he pleases. He cheated on her multiple times and they have been very off and on. I have ignored this guy’s messages and he will send message after message until I answer. (Yes I know I could of blocked him but I thought backing off would just be the normal thing to do) This guy has said to me blatantly morals is the only thing stopping him. It was just bad timing, he and I would of been something if timing was different.

Updates

+1 y

Due to my new attitude of being positive I don’t want to ruin a friendship if it’s just previous pessimism effecting my thought pattern, but I also don’t want to be dragged into a messy situation
I disagree with it being something if the timing was different.
I was in a long term relationship previously to this experience so I don’t have much dating experience so I’m trying to learn from the situation.
The last red flag, I forgot to mention is he told me he was meeting her parents next week

Updates

+1 y

After telling me, he only just decided he was going to make her his official girlfriend… that seems very fast. I’m just worrying on the other side of things the situation isn’t as seems and another girl is being disrespected.

[spartan55]

Yeah, he's a real 'good guy', fucking a married woman. His 'morals' are stopping him from what exactly? Having sex with you too? He is SO full of shit, and you are wasting your time with that shitbag.

[Tubby-123]

This other girl isn’t married. (So he says) he even said he didn’t know if he could cope with the child and situation etc. She was apparently in a long term relationship and got sick of her partner cheating multiple times. He is her attempt at moving on but the relationship with her child’s father doesn’t seem over to me as they are still connected financially.
He is basically saying because he’s agreed to be with her it’s the only thing stopping him trying to be around me.
I have said to him multiple times if your so punch drunk in love with her why are you chasing me? That’s what makes me think he wants a fail safe.
I have even had him say to me drunk, I know what your doing, you think if you stay around Long enough you will be my girlfriend. Which I said no that’s not the case. I work away most of the time I couldn’t give a new relationship the time it needs to grow as my job is so busy I don’t look at my phone from one day to the next at some points

[Tubby-123]

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I do appreciate your help

[spartan55]

Sure thing, I just see too many red 🚩 flags with that guy. Isn't one of the main advantages of friends with benefits supposed to be no hassle?

[Tubby-123]

Yes 100% supposed to be no hassle.
He has said to me he doesn’t want to continue with that side of things which is no problem at all. His behaviour of talking all the time flirting etc has happened since that conversation. He will literally go from saying I’m meeting her parents next week to. Flirting explicitly sexually. Saying it was just timing and the fact he decided to go all in with her etc.
What is a major red flag to me is he said he’s only decided he’s being exclusive with her recently but has also said about meeting her parents. Which to me makes me think 🚩🚩🚩 his time lines don’t make sense. He also tells me about me being pessimistic and I should give things the possibility of being positive not always pessimistic.
My old pessimistic attitude would say, he cheated when getting with someone else. Or he’s not as confident in the relationship as he’s making out and he’s hoping I’m on the back burner.
If he was happy to be my friend he would of told me his girlfriends first name at least. Hiding her proves he has something to hide.

[Tubby-123]

I can’t remember what I have and haven’t mentioned. I also had from him. I know what your thinking, if you stay around eventually you will be my girlfriend. It’s not going to happen

[spartan55]

Okay, you are focusing on stuff that doesn't matter. He tells you all about the new girlfriend, but you are bent out of shape because he won't tell you her first name? Come on, really?

[Tubby-123]

I’m not bent out of shape over the name specifically. I’m bent out of shape because it’s one extreme to the next it goes from being 😍 over the girlfriend (which isn’t a problem, as long as he’s happy and all of that jazz) telling me the latest update on there relationship. To then attempting to flirt with me very explicitly sexually. If the shoe was on the other foot in my mind. If there was nothing to hide, saying general information about your significant other shouldn’t be a big deal or hidden? That’s a red flag 🚩 but he’s also brought up the fact I’m very pessimistic etc which I agree with and struggling with getting a balance of protecting myself from shitbags and not being a negative Nancy.
So overall I was looking to see if I should still trust my gut or not.
Deep down I think the time line is off and he has cheated on her in the early stage of a relationship and wants to keep me around just in case it goes wrong with that baby daddy drama etc.
But because he was nice enough to help me with an issue, I think the optimist wants to see it maybe I’m wrong so it’s an internal battle.
I think I was looking for others to tell me my initial thoughts where correct.
I think he’s used my “flaw” to manipulate me to keep me around. So I would be aww he wouldn’t do that etc

[spartan55]

I think you are probably pretty close to what he is doing.
Remember something: 'protecting your feelings' does not mean you have to be negative Nina. People show you who they are early on, and it's something to really focus on.

[Tubby-123]

I tend to find previously with my pessimistic attitude. I tend to work out peoples behaviour patterns quite quickly and listen to there words and compare and contrast to behaviour. So if something doesn’t make sense I will ask someone if I feel there motives don’t seem honest.
I called him out directly for a few hours and he spent hours trying to persuade me he wasn’t like that. Then has gone to this behaviour. So the fact he has spent all that time investing into this relationship generally is odd considering he’s so 😍 over this girl. I feel like it’s more the puzzle of putting it together bothers me rather than him as the person. Which some may say is pointless but if I was in that other girls shoes I wouldn’t want to be treated that way.
I don’t know if I should let her know or keep my mouth shut. He said he thought our conversations would lessen but they haven’t so far.

[spartan55]

Please resist the urge to contact his girlfriend. You have no idea what he said to her, it's just not worth it.
How did you have so much to call him out on (3 hours!) And why were you doing that anyway? You said you didn't want a relationship, right? Don't make it seem like he spent all this time with you. He was trying to keep that ass warm for when he wanted it.

[Tubby-123]

He told me, she doesn’t know anything about me. He doesn’t think it’s a good idea. 🙄 So I said, if you have genuine intentions to be my friend I understand if you can’t hang out and grab a coffee etc because it would make her feel uncomfortable (that was my way of letting him down gently) he said she can trust him like he trusts her with her baby Dad. So it doesn’t need to be brought up for the moment. I asked him direct questions repeatedly like. If your so in love or moving in that direction with this girl why are you still flirting with me and messaging me so much. He would ignore or deflect the question. Then we would end up off on a tangent. Then I would manage to bring him back to the question.
I did it because he told me he wanted to be genuine platonic friends and said to me about being negative etc. So I was try to give him a chance and addressed my issues with him directly. I told him directly to leave me alone and ghosted he then proceeded to message etc to try and convince me he’s a nice guy I had it wrong. But little things keep nagging at me. I 100% don’t want a relationship, I was open to a friendship but it feels very stressful and I wasn’t sure if it was my attitude changing or my gut instinct causing it. He would try and talk to me and have debates etc but some of that was no doubt deflection to avoid answering my questions. I don’t doubt he was trying to keep Ass warm as you put it. He’s said morals is the only thing stopping him. But is it a case of Boys will be boys and flirt if they know some attraction has been there before and will be a friend or is he hoping I am a back up viable girlfriend if/when this girl fancy’s going back to her baby dad.

[spartan55]

That guy shouldn't be yappin about morals, he seems to have very few.

[Tubby-123]

I agree, also randomly. I asked him if he knew my last name ( I didn’t tell him it) and he was able to tell me my name as well as other info you would only get from my social media. He then admitted he looked me up during tinder days… he would of really had to search as I put very little online. I mean look at friends pages etc.
I have 0 interest in stalking him online as I’m uninterested in the details of his life to that extent. Im not a big fan of social media anyway. So I said to him do you want to tell me about your life basics etc. Friends with benefits you obviously don’t invest, but I was attempting to give some effort to make friends. He told me he didn’t want to tell me anything just in case I found him online and messaged his friends or called his work basically causing issue in his life. Even after we became regular friends.
Again 🚩🚩🚩
I finally got him to give me a little information because he said he wanted to prove he did care about being friends and he gives me “mega amounts of his time, which is an investment and care” so the information was to prove that also.

[spartan55]

Thanks for the MHO! Are you done with that guy?

[Tubby-123]

You really helped me, so I wanted to reward your kindness as I really appreciate you taking the time to help when you didn't have to.
He gave me a fake last name,
One of my friends looked him up and found him. So I messaged him and said hi to him with his real name and just said bye. No long paragraph etc on Tuesday. He read the message very quickly but didn't reply.

[Tubby-123]

I did that so he knew he couldn't Manipulate me. Then haven't bothered since and I'm not bothered. We both know he hasn't replied as he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

[spartan55]

Holy shit, a fake last name? Aren't you glad you didn't stay 'friends' with that psycho? Who knows what you would have been dragged into.

[Tubby-123]

Yes! Like I mentioned before I asked him if he knew my name etc. He told me he knew it etc he had looked me up during tinder days (a few weeks ago) so I said to him prove you want to be my genuine friend and let me know your name and he told me a fake name. So now he doesn't have a leg to stand on as he obviously wasn't trying to be my friend. He continued to talk to me and I told him he kept his cards close to his chest. So I think he was trying to get to know me on the side as he told me he found me interesting etc and it wasn't easy to just stop talking. I think he was lining me up just in case because he's not 100% with that girl and her baby daddy drama. He was trying to keep me hidden and keep a pretence of being my friend. Keeping me in a odd middle ground, talking about his girlfriend so he's technically being friends but flirting and getting to know me just in case. He was arrogant and said we would be a thing if I didn't go for my girlfriend. I told him I had commitment issues and wasn't interested in something serious. He thought he would play both ends off against the middle and end up with who he saw as the best option for him depending on the circumstances. He didn't think I was intelligent enough to figure out the game

[Avicenna]

I have no idea why you're messing around with this cheater

[Tubby-123]

It’s not a
Conscious decision, it’s lack of dating experience.
We met originally on Tinder.
He told me he was dating multiple girls around me also. He also said he cut them off generally but found me interesting to try and be regular friends.
I wasn’t sure if he had bad boundaries.
Which I know shows my Naïveté but like I said I have little to 0 experience

[Tubby-123]

Thank you for taking the time to reply!

[Avicenna]

No problem. Now that you see how messed up the situation is, extract yourself from it.

[midnightmoon05]

how is this making you a quality woman for the next decent guy?

[Tubby-123]

Excuse me?
The quality of who I am as a person isn’t defined by any man. I am who I am. If another man doesn’t like me for who I am forget about him. I fail to see the relevance of what you have said that just to try and shame another women for her circumstance.
Not the best situation, but as I previously mentioned I didn’t know the situation and 2 consenting adults may do as they please. I also never suggested once I was looking to stay in this situation, but to learn from it and obtain actual advice to learn. Rather than be used by another women to feel morally superior!

[midnightmoon05]

You didn’t answer the question.

[midnightmoon05]

To answer… men… they know what they want.
The “man” who just want to f you and you let him… he will treat you just that…

[Tubby-123]

🙈I’m aware of said behaviour because we where friends with benefits…
So your point is irrelevant and stating the obvious.
I can’t figure out why he’s suddenly changed his behaviour acting as he has. After me mentioning I don’t want a relationship etc. I don’t want to be disrespect to another women, and before you say leave the situation I have tried politely and this behaviour pattern occurred. So I’m trying to learn from it and work out what he’s trying to achieve.

[midnightmoon05]

“Were” FWB… why do you know so much about his f… business…
friends with benefits has no value to the guy…
You are 29… what’s your plan for the next 2 months? Next two years?

[midnightmoon05]

If you have no self worth with what you want… you are only going to fall into other less worthy peoples meaningless life.
Find your purpose.
He doesn’t matter…
Move on, get healthy and hopefully meet a man who cares for you in the heart… not just sex.

[IncognitoBandito]

He seems he isn't sure what he wants

[Tubby-123]

He basically said he’s only trying a relationship with her because they had been dating for a while before he met me and they went well. So he’s giving it a shot, but keeping me around..

[In_Trance]

No he's not

[Tubby-123]

Not my friend?