My boyfriend barely calls or texts me anymore?

[Anonymous]

Hey everyone, my boyfriend and i have been together for 6 1/2 years. we use to enjoy talking to each other all the time, now lately he’s been real crabby. i know he has his bad days and doesn’t feel like talking but it’s been a lot lately. so let me tell you that he has told me that i am real controlling and needy and clingy. i didn’t think it was true until i actually stopped and noticed my actions towards him and it’s true. when he’s hanging out with his friends and not me i call him like crazy to wonder why he’s with them and not me. i also complain a lot, complain about the past. he used to like girls bikini pictures and DM them telling them they are pretty and gorgeous and i hated it. i bring that up a lot and he hates it. now all he wants to do is be with his friends. he’ll hangout with me like two times a week and the rest he will be with his friends. when he’s with them they go out to restaurants, drink beer and have fun and when we hangout together we don’t do anything. sometimes when i call him he won’t answer me and when he does answer, he’ll answer with attitude. i’m real confused bc we are going on vacation tomorrow and i’m not really sure if he wants to now. i asked him what time he wants me over tonight or tomorrow and he doesn’t even respond.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s great that you’re acknowledging your issues, but honestly the damage on your part may have already been done and he’s drifting away. Clearly there’s been plenty of good times for you to have been together for 6 years, but those moments can be quickly and easily overshadowed by the bad things and drama when it happens too much. You are harboring a lot of insecurities, maybe from a bad relationship in the past or something before your current boyfriend, and unfortunately he’s had to pay for your emotional baggage, which is never fair. Even when he was liking bikini pix, dm’ing girls and all that, when you forgave him, that was you making a choice to let his indiscretions go, and give him a clean slate. Forgiveness. Instead, you still seem to bring these things up, on top of being clingy, needy, and all that. It can exhausting for anyone, so talking to you and being around you just may not be as exciting as it used to be because he always has to be ready for whatever mood or negative situation you may throw his way. Even if you have been trying to correct these traits, you’ve still spent more time in your relationship putting him through those things than you have trying to do better. I’m not saying this to upset or hurt you, but I also cannot lie in order to spare your feelings, because that isn’t helpful. Anyway, the most I can suggest is to keep working on yourself, and showing him that you can be that drama-free partner. But if the damage is already done and you’ve grown apart, then sadly you will have to accept that it’s too little to late and let him go.

[Asker]

i’ve actually spoke to him about this. wondering if he’s tired of me and wants to end things and he says no. i have tried my very best to try to stay calm and not be over barring to him but then there are times where i think too much and go ballistic. i think too much bc i know he is capable of getting another girl if he wants to. he has told me stories in the past where he had fcked a girl and once he got what he wanted he never spoke to her again and ignored her every time she called. and where he dated a girl and broke up with her bc he wanted someone else. so a lot of the time i sit and think he could get someone else if he wanted too, someone prettier, mentally healthier, more confidence and someone who will accept his freedom wholeheartedly and that freaks me out bc i want to be that for him not anyone else. and i let him down every time i go ballistic

[Opinion Owner]

I get your feelings, I really do because I’ve had them. Which is why I can tell you with certainty that if a man wants to leave, there is nothing you can do to make him stay. Going ballistic and all that out of fear of losing is just going to push him further from you. I understand that you’ve asked him if he wants to end things and he said no — on paper that sounds very nice. But at the same time, this is the same guy who screwed a girl and never spoke to her again, and broke up with a girl because he wanted someone else. Your biggest mistake will be believe you can be above that treatment. I don’t say this to instill doubt in you whatsoever, but just saying that you know what kind of guy you’re dealing with. So rather than drive yourself crazy with doubts and insecurities over things that haven’t happened and may not happen, just be present instead. Enjoy what good things are happening rather than worry about “potential”. If he wants to leave at some point, you don’t want to twist his arm into making him stay. You want to be emotionally stable enough to let him go without freaking out. If you are not that person, then start doing the work immediately to become her. To be that confident woman that can say “sure he can get other girls, but I can get guys too, I am also a prize to be kept”.

[Asker]

oh wow, i understand you. thank you very much. i think i freak out a lot bc i have an anxious attachment style due to my dad never being a good dad to me or my sister. sadly i have put that in my relationship and i absolutely hate it. i always wish i wasn’t so anxious and needy with him. i have friends and all, but all of them besides one has kids and are married. and his very best friend is single so he has all the time in the world for my boyfriend and vise versa. they work together and they’ll hangout together after work to drink beer or eat together. a lot of the times i wish he enjoyed my company as much as he does with his friend. when we hangout we’ll hangout at his house and like once a month we’ll go out to eat together. i know he’s an easy going guy, but i think you are right when he says he’s scared of what type of reaction i’ll have towards him that day. as i know i can get to be that easy going, confident girl i know i can be for not only him, but for myself too, it will take time and i’ll need a lot of patients for myself and for him.

[Opinion Owner]

Yep, and like I said, what matters and means a lot right now is that you have acknowledged what’s wrong and want to fix it. But make sure that this journey is more about you (like you said) and less about him. Because even if you two don’t work, you should still keep striving to be the best version of you that you can be. If he’s gotten to a place where he’s not confident in the changes you’re trying to make and he’s feeling fed up, then honestly he may not be the person for you. You want the guy who is going to uplift and encourage you to keep doing better. If he’s gotten past that point, then sure take ownership where you need to but also recognize the sort of person you need as you heal and grow. If it’s not him, then be honest with yourself about that as well. You are deserving of the right kind of love.

[spartan55]

Yeah, sounds like he's had enough of your shit to me. So, you recognize what your negative behaviors are towards him. Have you acknowledged and apologized for that? Have you offered to make an honest attempt to change those things? I'm sure there are things outside of this that your boyfriend does that need to be addressed too. Sounds like a serious discussion is needed.
I've been where your boyfriend is now, he has had it with you. Doing nothing will eventually drive him away for good.