How to deal with jealosy of my fiance's students?

[Anonymous]

My fiance is a University professor and he likes to be perceived as a "cool professor" and also helps the students apply for scholarships outside class, this last part is not his duty but he does it because he wants.
Lately this situation is making me feel jealous especially when I see young girls dressed provocatively around him or when I hear the stories he tells me to the point that I wish he had another job.
How do you think I should deal with this?

His stories are about his colleges flirting with students. And how his students love him. Like for example he told me one girl nearly cried in his class because it’s the end of the year so they will not do anymore lessons with him.
He told her that she can come to his class next year too. He also tells me how some students were dressed provocatively. And an email a student sent him saying something like thank you professor you’re so good and smiling emoji. I think he loves the attention and being a “cool professor”.

These girls are acting inappropriately and immature. Their clothes alone are very inappropriate for university. His stories are also about his colleges flirting and he also suspects sleeping with students. He also tells me that some students are sluts and make him uncomfortable because of the way they dress.
He tells me without me asking.

My reaction is trying to play it cool at first, but it’s difficult to hide my feelings forever.

I’m not comfortable to tell him that there's something that bothers me because he isn’t doing something which can be considered as cheating. What can I tell him that I want to change if there isn’t anything he’s doing? I worry about the fact that all our lives he will be a professor and when I’m older too.

Some girls will try to seduce a professor just for the grade. And they dress very provocatively in a way that no one in a job place dresses.

When I knew my fiance he was a nerd phd student. He was shy and didn't know his value.

[JustAnj]

What does he major in? Also please talk to him about what you feel. Do not jump into a marriage with the capability to communicate.

This is really important, you need to express what makes you uncomfortable, you need to be able to trust that your future husband is going to be capable of working with you and understanding were you come from to help you both develop a secure bond. Situations like these will come into your life at a constant especially when married.

If you are afraid of being vulnerable with him why are you marrying him?

[JustAnj]

Without the capability****

[Fynix]

Well I have two things to say in his defense.
One, he stated that their provocative dressing makes him uncomfy, signifying that he is not interested and that he is, in fact, looking down on them.
Two, he actually told you about this himself. No man smart enough to be a professor would tell you about the girls around him if he was thinking of cheating, because it'll make it easier for you to catch on if he's doing something bad.

My advice? Talk it out. Not in a way that blames him, just a nice calm chat, or jokingly say "why don't you go sit with your provocatively dressing students instead :/" yk just throwing a few signs that its making you a little uncomfy. Wishing you all the best ^.^

[Asker]

Not that he's not interested, but it's normal that he feels uncomfortable because he can't look at a student's body while teaching. He has to force himself to look elsewhere.
I think he is telling me these things to make me jealous. He has never had so much attention from girls and is overwhelming for him. He does't know how to react.
I have already told me things like "do you think students sent these emonji to every professor?" I teach at University too and I told him if one of the students sent me this I would ask myself "what I am doing wrong" and act colder with them next time. And I would not tell my fiance about it.
I've also told him while feeling jealous that if I was a student I wouldn't like this "cool professor", I prefer more serious one.

[Fynix]

My advice? Give him more attention than they do🤷🏻‍♂️

[Loth2770]

Have faith in your fiancé. If he’s worth marrying, he will have the willpower to not be seduced by anyone else.

[Asker]

I know, but it will be easier if he was doing another job and didn't have this temptation.

[spartan55]

@asker
What makes you think there won't be temptation at other jobs? There certainly will be.

[Asker]

@spartan55 But not like in his profession. Students are so irresponsible wear short tops showing their belly in class and shorts. No one dresses at a job like that. Not married coworkers. And he is in a position of power and needs to give them grades. Every year has the possibility to know new young girls. We all know that the more successful a man is the more women want him. But with his job this is out of proportions. It would be far better for me if he had another job. I’m suffering.

[Loth2770]

It is inappropriate of girls to wear that kind of clothing in class, I agree with you. However, it would be even more inappropriate for you to ask him to leave his job over what amounts to a trivial issue. If he wants to leave, that’s fine. But if he wants to stay, he has the right to, and you can’t rightly deny him that. Regardless of whether or not you are trusting by nature, you need to trust him.

You shouldn’t be upset that he tells you about these things, as it shows he trusts you. Trust in a relationship can’t be one-sided, or else the relationship will inevitably fail.

[Asker]

No, no you misunderstood me, I'm not considering asking him to leave his job. I know it's impossible as he worked hard to be a professor and was a straight A student and always wanted to become a professor. And likes it so much to be a "cool professor". It's just hard for me.

[Anonymous]

As long as he is a good man, don't worry about it, these girls must be kids beside him and besides the way he speaks to you about them tells you that he doesn't like them at all, he sees them as "bad girls", when you get older, don't worry because when He gets older, he will become colder and tougher with students, because he will see them as kids who do nonsense... I have never see a nice old professor, the nice one are always the young ones... The old professors see us as stupid kids... As long as he tells you about these stories means that he is loyal to you, if he wasn't loyal he would keep these stories as a secret

[Opinion Owner]

*seen

[Asker]

He's young as he's 33. I worry more about the future as I now feel still attractive at 28. But when I go through pregnancies, become old etc. I don't like that he's around young girls. And we women like older men far more then our own age, especially in positions of power like professor, boss etc.

[Opinion Owner]

Try to talk to him about these things in a calm way, without making him feel that you're jealous... Ask him what he thinks about all these girls doing, they're being playful right? In a funny way... Ask him what will happen when you two get older and all beauty and youth start to fade away... He may give you answers that makes you relax... Also you could ask a firend who has a fiance or a husband as a professor and how she dealt with these situations

[Alwayreckles93]

What are you going to know all woman your age are sluts home wreckers!

[Opinion Owner]

@Alwayreckles93 why? I never even go near a man who is in a relationship or married

[Asker]

@Alwayreckles93 we all were that age and at any age we will like older men and men in a position of power. Only doing a quick research on gag we can see how many girls even had a crush on their professor. And including me here when I was a student. But some girls take this further by flirting and dressing provocatively.

[AmandaYVR]

Wow this is a very difficult situation. I wish I had examples to tell you about to quell your fears but the ones that come to mind would all confirm them.

As someone else asked, what does he teach? And what grades of university?

You say you do not trust, by nature, so that's factoring in. It's not entirely believable that if he was in a different context (such as working with colleagues his own age) that no jealousy would ever crop up on your end. But you are absolutely right about students this age - they are often attracted to their professors. They are also testing out the influence and power of expressing their own sexuality, and will use it. That's what it is to be that age. They're going to say stupid things, make stupid mistakes, because they are now not under their parents' thumb, and so it becomes up to society to be the steady pace car around them.

You probably need to get to the root of why he tells you these things. Don't presume. Find out. You commented that he might be doing it to make you jealous. That's plausible but also debatable. He may feel so close to you, and so secure in your relationship (a dynamic that you have, in part, helped to create, so kudos to you), that he feels safe and confident enough to tell you. Maybe you are his closest confidante and it feels good to be able to speak honestly to you. If that's the case, you need to acknowledge that to him.

I don't want to freak you out, but there's also a chance that he tells you because he's trying to process their behaviour, and his own feelings, and by airing it out in the open he's exerting a level of self-control over himself. (That's a bit of a dangerous game, but it has decent intentions.) If that is the case, he needs your confirmation and support that he's thinking about their behaviour accurately, correctly. You could say something like, "Yeah, be careful there. They're probably trying to subtlely influence you so that you give them good grades."

Or maybe he genuinely is not finding their behaviour appealing, and sees it for the typical yet immature behaviour it is. The problem is, every single new crop of them will do this, and he will be tested, for a reaction, again and again. For them, it will be new every time. For him, he will see it happen again and again, and likely start to become more immune to it. And the older he gets, likely the wider the age gap between he and them, and eventually they'll be sexual beings, yes, but he will evolve past them even more, and the disparity between what they know and he knows, about life, etc., will become more and more apparent.

Is he a guy who generally wants to be liked? Does he have a hard time being honest, assertive, speaking his unpopular opinions and beliefs? If so, then this situation is not unique, so that's a point in his favour. But it's also dangerous, because it makes a person bend their beliefs, for the sake of being liked, popular.

Did he have a/or several bad teachers when he was being educated? Or a great one, who he admired and wanted to follow in their footsteps?

He's not leaving his profession. He's going to notice the attention. He'll age, it'll become very familiar to him, and temptation may be less over time. Intellectually he probably already knows that these girls can't ever offer him what you can, with your history, your love, your life experience. He'll probably get his ego stroked on a regular basis. That'll be hard for you. If it's too hard to handle, you might have to tell him, "I'm happy you feel good about yourself, but I'm not sure I want to keep hearing about young girls flirting with you. And maybe you should draw some limits with them, so they don't get the wrong idea. After-hours help, being one of them."

[Alwayreckles93]

Younger woman are all sluts you are right younger woman dress all like hookers. Young woman have no class. I bet you look way more beautiful and much more younger then the stupid younger girls. You fiancee needs a reality check and to grow up that he isn't 20 anymore.

[Asker]

I still look good but I worry about the future as men like 20 something girls no matter their age

[Alwayreckles93]

I'm 29 my ex-husband he is 30 left me for a 21 year old. Yeah I see what you mean. Your fiance needs to appreciate you and stop worrying about being the cool professor is he still stuck in highschool? He needs to stop with the whole oh my students my student. Normally if you think about it university is the real world younger people enter and your fiance needs to let the student girls to worry about their own priorities. Small story I have a learning disability it was hard my freshman year of college none of my professors helped me when I asked a question my professors would tell me welcome to the real world this is college highschool is over. Something with my friends that went to college with me. So I had to get tested at age 19 for ADHD turns out I did had ADHD which made things a lot less complicated. No professor help me I did things on my own. So I am very surprised and shocked that your fiance is even helping these girls And why girls? Why doesn't he tell you stories about guys or him saying oh this little dude this and that. Yeah I would be worried to if I was in your shoes too. Feel free to message me if you need help or someone to talk.

[Asker]

Thank you for your support. You need to follow me to send you a message. I just followed you.

[Alwayreckles93]

Okay you got it girlfriend 👍❤️

[spartan55]

If you don't trust him then why are you getting married?

[Asker]

I'm not sure if I trust him. I'm by nature a very distrusting person. I'm very jealous about his student, not female colleagues or someone else. I know a lot of girls have a crush on their professors.

[Alwayreckles93]

Younger woman are nothing but useless ttrash.

[spartan55]

@asker
You are not ready for a serious relationship yet.

[Alwayreckles93]

Maybe her fiance is the one who isn't ready for a serious relationship if his flirting around with much younger woman that aren't even worth crap. She 28 for God sake muchature then a stupid 21 year old slut that's

[Alwayreckles93]

Breaking marriages.

[spartan55]

Wow, you take bitter to another level.

[Asker]

What does it mean to be ready for a relationship? What I’m doing wrong?

[spartan55]

'Ready' meaning mature enough to trust your fiance, knowing what you can, and cannot control. You admit you aren't a trusting person. If that's truly the case then marriage is definitely not for you.

[Asker]

I think I have a reason to worry otherwise I would be jealous of his coworkers too or any other young woman he sees on the street, but only students. It’s also his position as a professor. Girls might flirt just for the grade. And most young women genuinely like older men and in a position of power. If he wasn’t their professor they probably wouldn’t even notice him.

[jahaims]

Jealousy is an immature emotion. You either trust your partner or you don't. If you don't trust don't be in a relationship

[Asker]

I don’t know how to trust him. He at least should not tell me these stories. I never tell him when when someone tries to flirt with me or anything that can make him jealous.

[jahaims]

If he is too immature to grow while in a relationship, save yourself the time and leave him.

[Anonymous]

Seriously? What is wrong with you?

[Asker]

I don’t know. Why you say what is wrong with me? I’m suffering. I know that men will always like girls in their early 20s while we women like older men.

[Opinion Owner]

Your way to immature to be getting married.

[Asker]

Why? Wouldn't you feel jealous if your wife was around highly desiderable men who also act inappropriately. And if she told you some details of their interaction. Also you have to understand: a man in a position of power like professor, boss etc is highly attractive for women like beauty and youth is for men. You are not in my position to know how I feel.

[Alwayreckles93]

Well Woman your age are all sluts bouncing from different man. At least asker isn't a slut and she is faithful. I bet she looks way much younger then the stupid younger woman out there. Woman your age have no class at all they're females not ladies. I would had reported it to the university. No I am not a Karen I follow the rules and do what's right when I see someone breaking the rulers I reported.

[Anonymous]

What subject does he teach?